If you like poetry, I'm going to the poetry night at Yellow Wood cafe in Alamo on thursday around 6:30. It's fun, there's really nice people, and we read interesting things out loud. I think tomorrow I'm gonna bring a scene I wrote for childSTAR that I've been working on with my friend Marissa(who I met previously but got to know at Poetry night). It's funny and painful and sad. It's explains how the movie feels better than anything I've filmed so far. In short, Brooks Laughton/me will be there. Only thing is you have to like Poetry and writing and stuff. You don't have to read anything if you don't want, you can just hang out. I've done that sometimes(last time I had poetry that I read. I had never written poetry or read any aloud before. This week I know I'm bringing at least one).
I'm putting out three episodes in a row of August within a week. Mainly for continuities sake. The whole comic(so far) is available for view on the right hand side of the screen. Or at this link. I'm trying to get the next episode out in two or three days(it's possible). Here are the tight pencils for this one(the rough is down below.
Sorry I'm late.I promised this would be out yesterday. My friend came over, I told him I'd draw while we watched a movie I'd already seen(I'm not gonna draw while a movie I haven't seen is on). I get a call at like 10 that my swedish girls are in Walnut Creek(the town I live in) and want to meet up, and I've basically never hung out with them outside of San Francisco or Tiburon so....what the fuck, girls or comics? Girls win every time. Funny thing was I was a total mess and kind of fucked up. I think I'm supposed to hang out with them tonight in Walnut Creek again. I have no idea. I forgot. I'll call them or something. The best thing about this group of girls is that no matter how many I hang out with or take pictures with there are always more. They weren't even in the pictures I posted the other day.
I feel like it's my birthday a little bit. We passed 10,000 views. I'd make a birthday horn sound right about now but my neighbors are probably already annoyed at the sound of me typing at 1:30 AM (people say I type on the lap top the way people used to type on a typewriter, Keon said that he keeps expecting to hear a ding at the end of my sentences). After I finish the August stuff I'm going to be doing super hero sketches to advertise so more people come here(every comic guy despite whether they are into indie stuff or any other genre still love to see even indie artists draw superheroes). Not that I won't be writing about the same things.
During this episode I remember just being really low again since the all time worst earlier in the story(in the still unseen Binge portion of the story). I don't know what I was thinking. I probably felt like I did my last job and was ready to go and die, or I just wanted to talk to the girl and couldn't. I think I also thought she was pissed at me. I know that I was just trying to put it all out of my mind. I know that I just hated everything and didn't want to think of anything, I just wanted to sleep until I forgot, sleep until it was all over. I didn't care what happened after I finished that story. I said my piece and I was done.
I was both in denial consciously and self consciously totally wracked with guilt and self doubt. I knew what I did was crazy. I knew it wouldn't mean anything to her or anyone else. But I guess I said I have to make a statement of my stupidity and my self awareness of that stupidity at the same time before I went somewhere where no one would ever find me or think of me again and go totally Leaving Las Vegas on some girl's ass(as in she takes care of me while I drink myself to death, really I am a cheery guy, I totally don't talk like this in person, but whatever, I'll be appearing at the laugh hut on Wednesdays and thursdays, hope to see you there).
This is why I'm putting out three in a row, otherwise this transition would seem like a really worthless episode(even though it's setting up some future things). After that I think it's five in a row I'm shooting for(because the last one is pretty insane, craziest thing I wrote in August so far). This is leading to a story that does have a sort of conclusion of its own within August. And then leads to the last long ass chapter after August(probably 30 or more pages).
I'm really trying to get these pages done but I have some meetings this week and possibly next that are so important and cool I unfortunately cannot speak about them. So I've been working on proposals and artwork associated with these proposals at the same time. Plus I'm still working on shooting stuff for my current job. It's busy, but a good kind of busy.
The other week I gave out my card to a couple of people. And after I thought about it, I realized, all the people were women. Now, aside from one woman who I gave it to because of some comic business stuff, I realized I always give my card out to women and generally they are women I like(one of them, a girl named Kaitlin at starbucks, and no, not that one, but I almost asked her to come with me to the club but chickened out because I am totally lame). And then I realized that 90% of my audience on here are women. Most of them I actually liked at one point and most of them I have mentioned on here. A lot of them mentioned by name.
And it's funny because I still hang out with these women and when the subject of this blog comes up the first thing I always ask them is if I come off as an insane idiot. And usually they say no(aside from my whole muse thing which is usually the first question they ask me). I think they are just being polite. But whatever they hang out with me regularly so I can't be that bad.
Elayne said I made it sound like I am drowning in women. An ex of mind said I was a man whore. And the truth is, I had some naughty nights and everything but generally all the hot girls I hang out with are friends of mine. And because of that I am never making a move(otherwise we wouldn't be friends very long). I just think it's funny that I make a big deal about being single and not meeting anyone while constantly being surrounded by girls I at one point liked a lot and would have gone out with. I think the biggest reason I became friends with all these girls is because it took so long for them to know me, and then they found out I was pretty different than they first thought I was.
I was hanging out with my friend Cara(spelled your name right this time) who found herself in one of my stories about another girl I met from my blog(I met this girl in person first but we only ended up talking because she read about herself in my blog). It was me and Ryan and her and like I said in that old entry she's cool because I can make her laugh constantly and she's up for anything. It was funny asking her what I sounded like on my blog because we don't know each other well. I think I come off meaner on this blog then in person.
Then the next week my friend Jaime(she works in a hospital and I took a half hour once trying to convince her that nurses should give hand jobs) and she was telling me that she was sad that I wrote that no one cared about me, when I am surrounded by women who care about me. And she's right.
Generally I use my friends Jasmeet and Sarah as sounding boards whenever I say crazy shit on this site(which is most of the time). When I first met Sarah is in the August portion of my comic(and I meet her husband who is a really cool dude from Scotland, me and Jaime are supposed to go over to his house sometime soon). I always tell Sarah whats going through my mind when I write these unhealthy tomes to beautiful women. I ask her if I went too far or said anything completely fucked up(which I again do constantly and never edit out). And Jasmeet's practically my co-conspirator in my crazy shit. We met when I was her boss(kinda) at Mondo Gelato. She was seventeen and had a huge crush on me because I was the wild guy at work who was never boring(it could get boring there even though the job kicked ass). She's one of the most intelligent people I know and keeps me from going off the deep end when I am really down(her and Seirra really made me feel better when I was at my lowest during the holidays even though Jasmeet is in LA and Seirra is in Japan). All these wonderfully supportive women around me. And really, only by coincidence, all of them really hot. For real, every single one of them.
But you have to see it from my perspective. I say I like one person because I have met so many and she is the one who interests me the most(in a romantic sense and also in a personal sense). She is the one who stuck. She's my jam, son. I could meet more people but I kind of don't care. I do meet women and usually I find they don't have anything to offer me besides looks. The ones who have become my friends have shown that they are wonderful people who I like talking to, but I got over them because by the time they became my friends so much time had passed that I wasn't chasing them anymore(people like Elayne or Ayumi or a few others, all of them really good friends). Other people were always involved with their borefriends or one of my friends. So in a way it was always torture.
Like last night I went to a club(the Glas Kat) for that whole Bondage A Go Go thing(not the night in the picture). I went with Taylor and two girls I used to hang out with a lot more. Both of them I really wanted to go for at one point. But now, we've known each other so long that one of them is married(to another friend of mine) and the other has a girlfriend. But it was a blast to hang out with them and pick out girls we wanted to fuck. For real, me and the two girls were totally hot for this one chick I picked out, this girl was a white girl who had slightly fuck-me-eyes and brown hair(I am so fucking predictable, get used to it!!!). I spotted her across the room, in the fucking dark, because I, my friend have practically x-ray eyes when it comes to my type. So when she actually got on stage and did a semi-burlesque dance routine I was totally enamored. I pointed her out to my married friend and she was like yeah I want to do her too. Which made me laugh because I had no idea she swung that way. And then I asked which dancer my gay friend liked and she said the same one. I have good taste. Too bad this one also had a borefriend.
You see this is the average day for me. Hang out with some hot ass girls I am friends with, find another hot ass girl, and then discover she has a fucking dude, heart breaks, start again tomorrow. Hey, there was even a lot of other girls I was into there. And every time, a borefriend showed up(except in one case where this hot red head was holding another girl by a leash so I figured they were together).
So it's more frustration. I'm not desperate, otherwise I could get a girlfriend in no time flat(for real it's not like it hasn't come up a few times). It's that I actually want to like the girl a lot and like 95% of the time I come off weird(I must make the worst first impressions in history since it takes every girl from the bay area about a year before they like me at all, and then generally they really like me a lot after that, which is cool, but generally too late) or I don't make a bad first impression and they have their fucking dude(always said with disdain unless the dude is rad, WHICH IS SUPER RARE).
Anyway, I'm not down. My life is going pretty well. It's just that one thing. Girls. That one thing is really itching me. Oh, just admit it, I need to fuck! I love sex way too much to not being doing it constantly. I need naked women and some hot sweaty licking and fucking, screaming sex! I need to look at a girl's ass sleeping right next to me and just want to fucking eat her. I need to see a girl yawn and her ribs to stick out as she stretches. I forgot where I was, but I was with a friend and I said to her as some girl walked by that I just wanted to take a bite outta that ass. Then I looked at my friend and kind of laughed, embarrassed, and said, oh sorry. Like I've said before I become totally fucking retarded without sex. And right now I am negative IQ points. It's like Flowers For Algernon over here.
A
P.S.:My friend Jaime told me there was a picture of us on the Bondage A Go Go myspace page so I looked it up and I surprisingly don't look like a complete douche. I vaguely remember one of the girls in the one of the others pictures shut my drunk ass down hard when I tried talking to her. I remember laughing and saying "ooookay." The other photo was from early november when I was partying with the Swedes at some house party. There was about five more swedes hanging around that are not pictured. It was cool because it was just me and my friend Danny with all these girls at some point. The drawing is kind of a picture of an ex. It will be when it's inked. Shouldn't think about her. Probably because she's in the next episode of August. Which is the next post. Next week of posts to be exact.
"The muse in her purest aspect is the feminine part of the male artist, with which he must have intercourse if he is to bring into being a new work. She is the anima to his animus, the yin to his yang, except that, in a reversal of gender roles, she penetrates or inspires him and he gestates and brings forth, from the womb of the mind."
"Andrea del Sarto, an Italian painter born in 1486, was famously married to his muse, Lucrezia, whose features so closely approached his ideal that he made all his female figures in her likeness"
This article seems to paint the muse as manipulative. http://litlove.wordpress.com/2006/07/27/the-artists-muse/ I'd like to mention unlike these examples there are plenty where the artist and muse never spoke at all. Salvador Dali got a sexual thrill from showing audiences his sexually charged pictures of his muse, his wife Gala. It's pretty clear he never even had sex with her.
At first it was all about her beauty. Then it became all about how special she is. Then it became about what she meant to me and how she inadvertently helped me out of one bad situation and then directly helped me out of another one six months later that no one could give me any real advice on but her. That was when I was hooked. That was the point she wasn't just an ideal but something more. My muse. Thats why I think of that Beatles song "She Said, She Said". Like there is a wisdom in her that was ethereal.
I thought it was funny when I realized recently that my feelings are kind of split. The part of me madly in love(I know, I know, I already covered this) with the actual person. And the part that wants to keep a distance. The part that wants to just see her as this angelic form of light. It's crazy. And I'm crazy. Then I had the realization. I started calling her a muse for a reason.
Because these things happen(to paraphrase Magnolia). They happen to artists. We specialize on some specifics in our art and those specifics can be embodied by someone. Mine are a mix of the sexual person I am and my personal fetishs. Razor like, seductive eyes, thin but shapely bodies, brown hair, sharp features. It didn't have to be like that, I've liked plenty of girls with big round eyes. I've liked plenty of girls who were not super thin(not that I even have anything against girls with some weight I just haven't dated a girl like that yet but I've been really attracted to a few) but I obsess over my fetishes which is different.
An artist need to be driven to be doing art that very well might not make money for a long while. You need to be obsessive. You need to have a will to never give up. All of these traits lend well to mad love. To just gouts and gouts of passion. It is the only way to survive as an inspired artist instead of a guy who just draws well.
I had a muse once. And we were madley in love. We only cared about one thing. Us. And when that ended I was so lost. My life went down the tubes. And then after a few years I met my current muse. She was a friendly girl and in retrospect I am sure she knew I liked her at first sight. I vaguely remember walking into the coffee shop, her asking what I'd like and that moment of just frozenness where I just looked at her with no intelligence. I saw her and my mind was frozen. And I think I smiled, acted like a human for a fucking second and snapped out of it. I told her my order but I must have lingered in that small subtle and indefinable way because she kind of had that knowing smile like she knew she blew me away and was flattered. After that I was in everyday. And we did kind of share that weird smile like we wanted to know what was up with each other. It was all friendly and my art stepped into high gear. I found out she had a boyfriend and it just fucking burned. Like a mental burn. Just stinging and sizzling. Fuck, I'm still mad about that dude. Don't even know why.
It was funny this one guy at this barbecue asked me about the origins of my comic and I told him how much I liked her and how unreasonable I was about my feelings and not giving them up no matter what anyone said. Then I mentioned how I never really hung out with her other than once. She was single. And I had a girlfriend. And truthfully, even if I didn't, even though I had healed so much, she was still too much for me. My self worth wasn't quite there. Now I think of us as equals. But back then she was still something no one should touch. The guy asked how about when we first met. I said at her work, but she had a boyfriend. And the invectives that came out of my mouth. That mother fucking shit. Fuck that guy. And so the guy was like, oh you knew him. I was like no. But fuck him. He aint me. When we switch places I'll fucking shake his hand. Till then fuck him. Then this dude was laughing. And I lightened up and said, no seriously, I love her and she is so sweet so fuckthatguyIhatehim( I was kidding but method acting is easy when you mean it).
In one of the articles I read the question was asked, if the artist never met this muse, would he ever had been successful? Would he ever reach the heights he did? My answer is no. She made it worth it. And nothing else would have, I might not be here at all. I needed her. The inspiration because of who she was, how she was, all that. It inspired me to go on. And her outside beauty was the closest I could ever get to the person she was inside. I settled for that. And now knowing her better. It is so hard to look at her. She is too bright. All of a sudden real feelings of romance spring.
When I was a kid and just started drawing I realized one day that I could possibly recreate some girl I had seen. This was before the internet, before social networking, before everyone had cellphones. This was when you saw a beautiful woman and that was the the one and only time you would see them. They would fade into memory. But I could draw them. I could make them real in some sense. Real for me.
I brought this up the other day in conversation and my friend said he never heard of that. I said I thought all artists thought about this when they created art work. A song could sound like the feeling a woman gave you. A painting can feel like the moment you saw her. Words could recreate the way she bit her lip and smiled modestly. Maybe other artists think like this. Maybe it's just me.
I try to recreate her on paper. If I can get the slightest feeling it is her, the slightest true line, I would be happy.
I cannot kiss her. I cannot hug her. I cannot hold her hand and look her in the eyes. All I can do is sit at my drawing board and try to capture one true thing. Just one.
And maybe for a second it can almost feel real. Almost feel like she is with me. Almost like she feels the same way I do. Almost feel like it is her eyes looking directly into mine.
That is the power I want. This is the closest I can get.
And it never works. All those hours. All those slow precise brush strokes. Not one was good enough. Not one made her real. Not one equaled the feeling of really looking into her eyes.
Sometimes I think ten years from now, if we never see each other again, we'll think of this graphic novel, these paintings, and we'll be with our significant other, and wonder what could have happened. What the other person really was like. What opportunities we might have missed. Did they mean what they said? Do they still remember me? Does it after all this time still mean something? If it ever did?
And other times I think of what an idiot I am. How presumptuous. How there is no way I'll ever know what she thinks. How maybe she is just a girl. Maybe she never felt that deep connection I felt. Maybe I am nothing. And will always be nothing.
What do I even want? A relationship? I don't know. To get married? Definitely not. To have kids? No. All of those things in the future, maybe. But not right now.
The only answer I can come up with is Passion. That's what I want. I want burning fucking passion. Is that love? I don't know but it sure feels good. I have passion looking at her, hearing her, everything. Just seeing her be so painfully shy and so fucking cute when last we hung out. I was so awkward and not myself and she couldn't barely look up. It took me forever to realize she was being so shy. At some point we were talking and she brightened up. Part of me saw a cute kid who was guarded and scarred but still innocent(in the same way as me). That was the part of her I loved. But also the part I wanted to heal. Probably because that was all I had done for so many years. The other part saw the incredibly sexy woman she was and how much power she could have over me with the slightest look.
I have the kind of passion that could meet those eyes now. I'm 100% again. In my art work. In my words. And lately those words I have written, those stories have finally payed off. In order to become a writer or artist you have to have more passion than anyone else. Any amount of surrender will stop you forever. So you have to have a passion so strong that nothing can stop you. And even then I have so much more passion in my heart, that it eclipses my passion for art and writing. It wins over the other two. It burns like cities on fire. I have that for her.
I know I'll someday fall in love again. Maybe this new girl will be my new muse. Maybe it will all go away. The graphic novel. The girl from my comic. My feelings. Just gone from years of never seeing her again. From being with this new woman. And this whole thing, this whole house of cards I built will just collapse in on itself and be forgotten.
That makes me deeply sad. To think that this means nothing. People say I won't let anyone into my heart, but the truth is I want to. I want to badly. If only to lose myself and spend time away from this situation I cannot change. My greatest asset is that I know exactly what I want but it is a curse also. Because sometimes you cannot have what you want. I do feel better because we are friends now, but...on the other hand I may never see her again. So yes, I wish I met some person who was nice and smart and liked me and maybe I could forget. But then again some people are irreplaceable.
Maybe I do see her again. And the truth is, it will be my guard that is up. Sure, I'll be friendly, I'll chat. It will be friendly and normal. I'll make jokes like I always do. Be the little clown I always am. And just like the stereotype, I'll be hiding my sorrow. Playing through it. As long as she's laughing she'll never know I'm crying inside. Thats why when people who know me see this blog they always can't reconcile that I am this way in my writing but the opposite in person. That is my defense. My facade. The outside me. The inside me is this comic. This blog. But I would still do it. Put up the comedy act. And honestly it would all be worth it just to see her smile again.
I think of all the stories of Davinci and Mona Lisa. How that one painting, those subtle paint strokes, how that amounted to centuries of meaning for billions of people. When I die this might be the one true thing that lasts. The one true thing that I ever did. And yeah, it may just mean something to only me for now. But this is all of me.
Yesterday there was a gun fight a few hundred feet from me. Two people went to the hospital. It was in Alamo, my home town that I just moved out of. I was at the coffee shop with beautiful women(Natalie and Marissa, and some other friends), and we were reading some poetry and discussing things. I never even heard the shots, but I saw all the lights reflected out the window. Natalie left for a moment and came back to tell us that their was some gunfight outside. I walked outside later on, not the least bit worried, and found that the police cordoned off the area only about one hundred feet from my car.
I've had to film all over the bay area this week. It's been really beautiful. I went to Coit Tower, Twin Peaks, Ocean Beach, the Cliff House and on some really cool piers. I'm going to the Legion Of Honor today(not on a date...).
I have a huge announcement but I'm pretty sure I can't legally say anything for a while. Has to do with publishing and me walking into a bar. Publishing buys me a drink, I say give me a double, and publishing offers me a deal instead. A publishing deal.
I think I had a breakthrough in my art the other day. It was like something snapped in my head and all of a sudden I was a better artist. You can judge for yourself. And free sketch to whoever can tell me what famous person I am trying to draw in panel three(extra credit if you can figure out what the context is). Leave your comment in the comment section. I get a lot of e-mails about posts but not a lot of comments. At the very least you have a better shot than anyone else if you're wrong but you at least said something down there.
I wrote some parts of the rest of the Thought Balloon Man graphic novel(no deal on that yet) and some "plot points" came up that I totally forgot or I never considered as plot points. I used quotations because these things really happened but they were in some storytelling sense very convenient and very shocking. I realized I never said several of these things on the website and lots of people didn't know that about me. And how it changed what people may think of me and my feelings for the girl in my comic(why I hold her in such high regard and why other things happened in my life; girlfriends, the muse thing, little bits of destiny, shit like that). Plus there is some crazy sex and some really graphic shit in there. So the last chapter of the graphic novel will definitely be a wild ride.
I just realized the other day I had written a bunch of posts in the middle of the night or after drinking or just in my melancholy moods I get in over the last few months. I looked them over. Some of them were super sentimental. Some were way too open. The only thing I know is that I better get those out soon so I can bury them before any discriminating reader who may not get internet at the moment can find them and read them and know what I really think of her. They deal with ex's, muses, road trips, and graphic sex. So I think I'll do a blow out before I start putting out the new episodes of August. Excuse me for a bit while I post all of these crazy ones in a row. Hey, at least the site may read as wild as it did in the summer time.
This time of year is hard for me. Basically everything after Halloween is hard for me. For 6 years now its been pretty much torture. My mom died right before Halloween in 2003. So in a way that holiday marks the end of fun for the year in my mind. It's distracting enough that I usually can get into it. But after that its over and I have Thanksgiving next which is hell.
Thanksgiving is me trying to give my sister a family. All by myself. And really, I've never been completely alone on these holidays, but it feels like it. I think I needed love. And I reached for it on Thanksgiving and Christmas more than usual because I felt the crushing weight of not having family for thousands of miles. And trying to raise this kid. Trying to make her happy. Luckily she is a very well rounded smart girl who was happy with what little I could provide. She never complained. So, my self loathing at my parenting and what I was not able to provide was my own doing.
Doesn't matter. I still really get depressed every thanksgiving and christmas. Last year I had a girlfriend during those holidays so it was better. But this year, no girlfriend. I'm living alone. My friends have scattered. Yeah, it's hard.
This thanksgiving as the week went on I just got worse and worse. I got sick, I wasn't eating enough, and I couldn't work at all. I missed a ghost. I longed for a girl who doesn't care about me(an ex).
People don't know about my whole thing with these holidays. It was pretty bad, but my friends Jasmeet and Seirra made me feel better. They always support me and give me the love that only female friends can. And thats what I needed I guess.
Thank you guys, and thanks to my sister for being there and being so great. Next post is about some of what I've been up to. And yes it will be lighter. I think.
Adrian
PS: This is a new page from August. I'm shooting for having three episodes done by late next week and posting them one after another. So you get a week of August comics. That's the plan anyway. That's an ex's ghost kissing me on my head(she's alive, she just ain't present).
I spent 10 minutes today obsessing whether Danny Devito knew Andre The Giant. Or maybe they are like the Hulks mind. Like Bruce Banner is super intelligent and the Hulk is all moronic. It was his id. So like once I read a comic where they split Bruce Banner from the Hulk. That's Danny Devito and Andre the Giant.
Then after a while I realized Danny Devito was Andre the Giant de-biggened. Like the process they did to shrink Sean Astin and Ilisiah Woods If you've seen them in person you'd know what I am talking about. Those little runts can run between your legs and tie your shoes together and play fucking little man jokes on you.
Whatever the case may be Devito is wider than he is tall. I saw them this summer when I went to Comicon. His hands were like baby hands. You can fit a half dozen inside your hand and they are soft as cotton and clammy as halibut.
This article by one of my favorite comic artists, Kevin Nowlan, says some rumors I had never heard before about Ferris Bueler and Cameron are the same person like in Fight Club. Go over to his site to see another one.
I did this video on my little digital camera. I should have used the two or three high quality HD cameras available to me but I had no camera man and needed to get this out on the quick(no idea why). So my sister came over and I told her to just point and shoot and I'd be saying some weird things. I said this is not me this is the character talking. I never fucked Kimmie Gibbler or did a speed ball with Gary Busey. Anyway she was a sport.
I actually cut this down from 9 1/2 minutes. Thats nuts. Thanks to Taylor for talking some fucking sense into me. It's still probably too long. But I cut out about 45 seconds where I told a story about running over a dozen of Rosie 'O Donnels dogs and weeping. I probably did about 15 minutes worth of usable material. 50% of it was scripted, and the other 50% was made up on the spot. That pretty much held true to the finished version. Almost the whole last half was improvised. I know I shot some of this later and I can tell I lost like 8 pounds(I'm on a diet). Thats weird.
Everyone who was concerned last couple of posts, I was just fine, I just missed someone and wrote those in the moments I was feeling it most. I've been having a pretty good time besides that. And here I am on Thanksgiving putting up a post. Need to go over to my family friends to eat.
Thanks everyone who invited me to eat at their places, Taylor, Curtis, the San Leandro crew, others. It is a hard time for me because the only family I got is my sister so it's nice to know I got people who care about me on a lonely day like this.
Not "in love". "On love". And I have a bunch of opinions on love. I've only been in love once. Just once. For a long time with someone that loved me back. I have never no matter who the person was and how much I felt for them, ever loved anyone else. It's not impossible for me. And I guess thats why I used the word love so liberally last time. I am not in love with anyone right now. Not even the girl I like so much.
To me love is a reciprocal thing. It's about abandoning yourself to someone. Because you trust them and would give them everything. And vise versa. Love is not a one way thing. Love is shared. It's sharing everything you got.
And really I haven't felt that way about anyone in almost ten years. It's not like I haven't had any deep relationships in my life. I have. I have felt so strongly for some girls. Some girls have said they loved me. And I couldn't lie. I couldn't tell them that. I couldn't pretend that we could be forever. I couldn't pretend that I would do everything for them.
Now this leads into the dicey territory of my strange feelings for someone. And before I get into that, I have to get into another subject: self awareness. I think some people who read this blog assume I am not self aware of the craziness of the things I say. That they just come out without any realization of the repercussions or the implications of my mental state. I am perfectly aware of how obsessive I seem to be. I am perfectly aware that it is true and I am saying it out loud(in a manner of speaking). The reason I do it is because I don't give a shit what people think of that and I think it is interesting. It's interesting to see what I was thinking at 4 AM drunk off my ass after hanging out with models. The fact I was thinking about someone long gone instead of all the ass I saw. I say all these things, in sometimes the crudest way as a means of trying to display the inner me. The true fucked up inner me. The part we all hide.
That first 9 pages of Thought Balloon Man were not about showing how good I am, it was about showing what goes on in my mind and how awkward I really was(past tense, by the way). Showing good things about myself is boring and self aggrandizing. I sometimes tell a little bit but really its kind of lame to say shit like "I raised my sister and brought her up to be an outstanding woman". So I don't(well, except just now). Sometimes I make a small mention about something good I did but never without going into the opposite side, the bad side.
Remember, I have to spend hours on any page of comics I do. Many hours contemplating the message and it's meaning. Questioning myself and my motives and my feelings and my sanity for expressing any of it. There are crazy parts and there are sane parts. There are boring parts and funny parts and tragic parts. All those things, all those parts are in service of trying to construct an epic. I know it seems small now, but after you read Binge(the preceding chapter to August) and Antropodermic Bibliopegy(the final chapter, and yes it means something) you'll understand the epic-ness claim. All these parts create a post modern tapestry of my mind during a tumultuous time.
So yes, I do feel too much toward someone. It doesn't change that I do just because I know it. I know the reasons and I know how those reasons changed my view of things and made me into a better person. In that sense I feel strongly for this girl. Mix that with being extremely attracted to her. Mix that with an artistic attraction to her as a person. Her looks, how she is, her kindness, her personality and how they make her into this person is what makes her my muse. It goes beyond any one thing, it is a totality. I have a long post about just the concept of being a muse coming up soon.
But...that isn't love. It is close. It is an understanding. Of something real, and of something "spiritual". Like seeing some ones soul. But seeing a soul doesn't mean I know her. I don't know so much about her. I probably know her less than any one else who knows her. Everything else is the decoration on top of that soul. But I "get" her. And that saved me at my lowest.
There is no reciprocal love in this situation. There is friendship. But we all know that is completely different. I said love casually about her last post and what I really have is the possibility. Like I said up top about giving, I could give her everything. And I could accept everything from her without judgement and without pain. That is why I used the word. But in my drunken state it just seemed like love to me. But in actuality it is just a possibility. A wish. A hope.
Even I think it's crazy to say I am in love. This is big, but it is different. Something I have never felt before. That is why I make such a big deal about it. Why I write about it. Why I read about it. Sure, it's obsessive. It's weird. But it happens. I'm not the only one. It's been recorded for centuries. It's just something different. Hard to explain and hard to understand.
I obviously decided not to delete the post. No one gave me shit about the post. I just read it over and couldn't let myself sound like I don't understand what I am saying. Like I simplified love. I would never do that. No one knows how stupid I feel when I write anything personal. I constantly kick myself for being so stupid. But it is the real emotions I feel, stupid or not. And that is something that someone should cherish instead of trampling over or letting die. Even when it hurts worse than anything.
A
P.S.: This is a failed painting of the only woman I ever loved. I did it about a month ago and the paper sucked so I didn't finish it until I needed something to post with this today. It looks a lot like her. All my drawings used to look like her. She's in the next episode of August. Which is almost ready to go.
The only joy that can come out of the following is that of morbid curiosity and ironic retrospection.
I am writing this at 4 AM on a saturday after hanging out at some expensive VIP table with free booze and after getting in for free to a huge event at Yoshi's in San Francisco. I was in the VIP/special person's line(and yeah I am laughing too). I was as good as any hot girl there based on that simple fact. But it left me empty. Like my soul didn't accompany me into the place. I'm hanging out and dancing with literally the hottest girls possible and I don't really care. Somewhere out there I have feelings for this woman who has a boyfriend. So much more beautiful than any girl here. And no matter what I tried I will never be good enough. That hurts like torture. I have feelings for this woman I used to love. A woman who used to love me. This woman who has a boyfriend(I assume) and wouldn't come out to see me unless I was in a coffin. And no amount of models can change that.
I got fuck me eyes tonight from at least three astonishingly hot girls. One with brown hair wouldn't even let me go. Her boyfriend carted her around like a prize turkey and I checked her out. We locked eyes and she was so into being hot she just eye fucked the shit out of me. She wouldn't even let me out of her sight until her head couldn't turn anymore. I luckily knew that this was bullshit. I could have been anyone.
Another girl was the asian model du-jour. She knew it. Every dude talked to her. But she was still a little surprised when she caught my eye. Like she never was considered hot until this night. I kind of appreciated that innocence. But it only lasted as long as the time it took for some player dude to scoop her up.
The last one was the russian model chick. I saw her all night. Every time there was some fuck head hitting on her. All I wanted was her cute little flitery eyes on me. She had a really innocent look to her. Blond and about 5 foot 1. She was just the atypical hot russian. Of course she was american. I met her a previous time at another club(and no untill this job I wasn't hanging out in clubs, and never in the VIP section, so this never happened before). She was in my ring of friends(which consisted of two out of about seven guys so lets not blow this out of proportion). One dude was one of the best looking guys I'd ever seen. Basically a model. If I had even the slightest gay inclination this would be the guy I'd fuck, hands down. Another guy walking through the same place was the "hot dude" on Daisy Of Love(hard to explain, he was the dude who was really into Johnny Depp and I actually think I got laid because I watched that with a girl once, she was really into him). Somehow I ended up talking to her and she was pretty sweet and cute even though I knew all the previous shit mentioned. We talked for like two minutes. Maybe three. She was nicer than I would have thought. Considering every guy had hit on her. And I didn't want to be the next useless dude to hit on her so I talked for a bit and something came up so I left and went on to what was going on. I'm not stupid. She was probably a hot chick who was there for coke and free booze(hey I was there for the free booze, too, and, oh yeah, my job, but I've seen what coke does to girls), I know not to think too much of these girls. Somehow I know that.
And all it does is bring me back to the only ones who ever mattered. The ones who really cared. The ones who actually "knew" me. I just wrote that and felt my eyes getting all hot. All this water rushed through me. My eyes involuntarily tearing up. I write this like it's a story but it's happening right now for me. Like I can pretend my view of things ever really existed. In fact my denial of my fantasies is the only thing that protects me and damns me. I say "oh yeah she really actually understood me and maybe saw the real me". That is the fantasy. The only thing that saves me is the fact it isn't true. The fact I am an idiot. The fact I am not anything but this artificial thing I made up in my head. This comic book version of myself that tells every exacting truth and is in reality left on the cold hard floor with no one to ever care about me again(I say this and even it sounds like bullshit, but seriously, I don't know one girl who really loved me in years, I don't and this is a fact, I was useless no matter what I knew, no matter how funny, or how nice or how polite, I was a nobody[and no I am not talking about my friends, I am talking about romantic love]).
The truth is if I died, no one would care in any way that wasn't artificial. No one would have ever talked to me and really loved me. Me above the others. Just me.
Whatever, it all sounds like bullshit even to me. Cry like a baby all you want. The girl you loved is living with some dude you never even saw. And the girl you love is not even in the same fucking day as you. She is literally farther away than anyone you ever met. She might as well exist in a different century. And somehow her love for another man who is with her in this place is a worse insult than any time can place on you. There is no way to be farther removed than that.
Maybe I should delete this. I am proud of my honesty but it stings to see it the next day and hate the truth that I had in my head. My inner most thoughts. I wish I thought something dishonest. Something just simple. I hate my thoughts. I hate the fact I know more. I hate the person I am. I wish I was stupid. I wish I was just some guy. This feeling, this thinking gets me nowhere. No one gives a fuck. I sometimes think a simple sleep and never waking up is the best thing that could ever come of all this life. No one would ever know it even happened. Just a light that went on in the darkness and disappeared before anyone saw it.
So it was an eventful week. But...it was more innocent than it sounds.
I have been working everyday on a pretty big project. I went to a club and got in for free, got free drinks and danced with some models in the VIP section. All because of this job. So working everyday just isn't so bad sometimes. Still a lot of stuff I have to stay hush about. Someday I'll recount how I got it and the years it took to get there.
On friday I went to party with the swedish girls. As always I met a new one. I liked her and we talked for a while. Because of where I was sitting I had my arm around her for like ever and wanted to kiss her because her eyes were super sky blue with really cute eye shadow that perfectly matched them. At one point I almost did kiss her but then realized we were in the middle of a conversation with people all around us and that would have been crazy awkward. Plus she was below my (fake) cut off age of 22. I never know with these girls because I met most of them at bars where they weren't carded. So I didn't know most of them were 20. I act like that is so cool, but the truth is it would be weird. A little. I mean I kind of don't need to give a shit, but sometimes I pretend to. Usually its only if they give a shit and most of the time they don't. I usually gravitate towards the innocent ones because I strangely relate.
Anyway when it was really late we all went to sleep downstairs. I was going to sleep on the couch but the bed full of four women was waaay too tempting to pass up, so I got in and cuddled up to my friend D like I was in love with her or something(I may have been in my drowsy state, she is extremely cuddle worthy). It's funny, because in that bed were one girl I felt up, one I slept in the same bed with(but nothing happened), a cute one I never touched(but should have) and the one I wanted that night. But there wasn't enough room so I fell off and ended up on the couch again. On the L shaped couch next to me was the girl that was laying across my lap in this post from a few weeks ago. So I was pretty happy that night.
The next day, saturday I got in an argument with an ex from a while back. She insisted on texting me and I said just call me. She said she didn't feel like it and kept texting me so I said it's been years and the best you could ever do is text me. That isn't good enough, I deserve more as a friend like a call. It's the bare minimum and she couldn't even do that. So I said I wouldn't read her texts anymore and if she wanted to talk to me again she could call. She said she would not. I demand more from my friends than bare minimum and I give back way more than that. So thats over. Even the girl in my comic with all the crazy shit I've pulled understood that. She treated me like I mattered even if we could never be together. But this girl refused. This girl that knew me for well over a decade couln't do one single thing more for me. So I am done. I should feel sad, but I know I am only ending a cycle of abuse towards me where my feelings can be taken advantage of. I don't accept that anymore from anyone. I'm not asking to be treated better than anyone. I'm asking to be treated as a human being.
Later that night I got lost in San Francisco trying to get to the Bottom Of The Hill(a club) to see my friend's band Mister Loveless. I got there late but I saw them play. I ran into Taylor and he introduced me to a cute girl he was talking to. She introduced me to her cute friend. The friend had the name of a famous criminal so I made a joke about it(something about us doing crimes together with some sexual innuendo going on). She laughed and told me all about the various nicknames she gets. She was really pretty but I knew like half the audience so I went and talked to a bunch of people(including a girl who I was sure was super pissed at me because I called her sexy once, but then I guess I seemed more annoyed by her than she was with me because she hung out for a bit when I was trying to give her her space and not talk to her). When I was all alone a few minutes later the girl I met earlier came up to me and just started talking my ear off. I was already planning on flirting with her later so this was a surprise when she came up to me in the middle of all this to talk. And she was like one of the funniest girls I've ever met. She was hilarious. Rarely do I meet funny girls. And even more rare are they so beautiful. I guess when I went up to talk to her I was super confidant because I was like singing in my car before coming in. So we talked and mostly she was talking while I was laughing. I am so used to being the guy who (tries to) makes people laugh so this was new. After a while everyone was getting ready to leave so I got her number.
This led to Sunday. I texted her and we were talking/flirting. I really liked her. I texted the swedish girl I met friday out of obligation but she never answered, which is for the best since I had way more chemistry with this funny girl anyway. But yeah, the swedish girl got two texts. And if you have read this site for the last few months you know two is probably all you get without answering. Then I erase you from my phone and forget you exist. I've wasted so much of my life trying to convince girls they should like me or trying to make them get to know me I no longer can even tolerate it. I'm the most fun and I am interesting. If they don't want that then what the fuck do they want. I went out with a millionaire the other day and he was having a bad time too.
On wednesday I texted the girl and she never texted me back. I asked her out and everything. I had previously asked her out and she said she was busy. I thought after our chemistry that it was no problem but now I was totally being denied. I felt like shit. Maybe she was busy or whatever. Didn't matter. She didn't answer and I felt like a fool. I erased her number. I didn't ever want to feel like the fool who pursued a girl fro a long time ever again(read my comic for the prime example). I thought she "got" me. I thought we were perfect for each other. But nothing. So, I gave up on her. I'm not going to beg. I'm not going to text her over and over again. Shit, I never even called her.
This is the one you all would have rooted for me to be with. She was cute, funny, intelligent, in her early twenties, and extremely quick witted. Very few girls have ever made me laugh like she did. This may have been the first girl where her sense of humor was more attractive to me than anything else(but I stress she was really good looking, but this week I've met models and stuff so looks were not my first priority).
Oh well. She should have tried harder. She should have tried at all. All it took was a yes via text. All it took was effort. Something very very few girls do at all now. And I am done with girls who won't try at all. Those ones now mean nothing to me as soon as that text, phone call or whatever never happens.
I deserve better. The only way I'll get better girls is by not accepting this kind of shit. So I'm done with bullshit. Quality women will not treat me like trash. My girl friends know that they have more fun with me than anyone(even their own boyfriends). That is one thing I do really well. So pass me over and miss a great time with a person that will always make you feel good even as just a friend. It's your loss. And really, it ain't my loss.
That is three women I've written off that week. Not a regret in the world for doing it either. Playing bullshit San Francisco games only makes me worse(a worse person, feeling worse, and perpetuates the bullshit). One of these girls I've known for almost two decades. And I don't want to know her even a day more if she can't even make a fucking phone call.
It's gonna take a little tiny bit of effort to keep me around(phone call, hang out with me once every few months). That's all.
I'll be a real man. I'm done with bull shit.
Adrian
P.S.: The pics are stuff from a journal complete with notes. The first girl is real. The second was supposed to be fictional but I am stupid and can't change my ways so it ended up way too close to someone I know. I changed the hair to black but then it just looked like an ex and her combined. There's just go to be a better way.
P.P.S.: All this stuff actually happened not this last weekend but the weekend before. Look at how patient I was. I'm so impressed with myself. (Get over yourself, already)
I am doing a reading of a story I wrote at Yellow Wood cafe in Alamo, CA after 6 PM. It will be in Thought Balloon Man. Maybe even the last chapter. Originally it was just a blog post but I liked it a lot and decided it worked great as a final chapter. But this is the only way that you'll hear it for a while. I haven't been in front of an audience of strangers in a long ass while(many years?) so lets see how nervous I get.
I went to Bondage A Go Go at the Glass Kat on Wednesday. I was the only person wearing plaid. In my defense I only have two plaid shirts and they look exactly the same so I only wear one. And that is rarely. Also in my defense I was wearing a leather jacket and had spent years with a goth girl so I wasn't completely unfamiliar with this whole scene. And as a pale mother fucker with black hair I at least was born in the appropriate attire.
I saw this red headed girl whip her girlfriend(she kissed her tenderly after but not sexually maybe they were not a couple). She was kind of thick set and short and it looked good on her. Plus of course a corset never hurts. And she had a little bit of an Olivia Thirlby thing going on with her cute ass face. I have to admit all that whipping and spanking got me pretty hot. I left before my boner set in. I wanted the red head pretty badly. And her joy in spanking was really a turn on. I just imagined what it would be like to spank her(wow, the perv is unleashed). I've spanked plenty of girls and even gotten extremely good reactions from doing so but it's never been my thing. After seeing these girls go at it though, I know what is on the docket next time I get a girl. Damn it was really hot. Another girl tied up and was just getting whipped all over and when her dude was done she looked so horny I got jealous of her dude. She looked like she was going to tear him apart.
Bondage never really did it for me. I am a little tough/manly in bed(really the only time I am ever tough) and get a little wild. So it's not like I never did it, it's just never turned me on. It was always for the girl's benefit. But I don't know, something in me must have just snapped because now I think its really hot after watching these hot ass girls do it.
I noticed that for the first time ever yesterday I was colder than everyone else. I am always hot. Like always just fucking boiling. I hate sweating and I totally sweat at the slightest temperature change. But last night I was in a room with two other dudes and they had t-shirts while I wore my jacket. Then at the club Taylor was in his wife beater undershirt. I was wearing my warmest leather jacket and dancing. Didn't sweat at all. I wasn't even very warm. My body temperature is fucked.
So next week I'm going, will be a little tipsy and I'll dance to Depeche Mode and Cure and whatever else they make me dance to. Plus I like goth/emo girls so I am in good company.
You know, I actually obsess over that little counter on the side of the screen. When it goes up by a lot and I haven't posted I start to get really stressed out. I feel really bad that people are coming to the site and I haven't posted. It's so nice that people read all this stuff and care and look at the art. I hate letting people down. Plus I want that thing to hit 10,000. I think I celebrated 5,000 in the summer of '08. So things have been moving along nicely.
I was invited to read a story at the Yellow Wood cafe in Alamo on thursday. I'm pretty sure I work around 10(we'll have to wait and see). The story I know I would read is a really personal one about a certain aspect of the world(sounds vague but it is very specific). It is an emotional post I never put up about a distance between me and some one I care deeply for. I'll put it up probably when I leave on vacation. But for now if you want to hear it in person I'll give you the heads up on Thursday whether or not I'll be performing.
I'm gonna try to follow it up the next time with a reading of the first chapter of Thought Balloon Man when I call that girl. It's a funny thing to read out loud. I've had a fun time in the past reading it.
Bad news is I have to reshoot my Brooks Laughton thing. The good news is it will be reshot in HD(the original was on my fucking small camera).
I want to draw comics so fucking bad its like an ache. I just want to draw so many of those little boxes with all that shit going on in them. To tell a story in that beat by beat way that comics do. I want to just sit down and draw like ten pages in a row. It's really fun when it just flows. It's like a perfect beat when it does. It feels like the way my thoughts work. I think August 13th and the first chapter(Things We Did And Didn't Do) had that rhythm to them. I know Binge was written specifically with that rhythm in mind.
I'm almost finished with all the writing in August and the after part. Binge is done. I'm taking notes on my next one(about my life) and researching a fictional graphic novel about millionaires and coke whores(its sort of a crazy, funny, fucked up crime story). Plus I have this new scene I wrote for Brooks Laughton but I need an actress. I spoke with Paris and she's in another state so I need a new actress. Plus it can be a different character. Its another painfully awkward scene about romance(well, no romance actually). Don't worry good things eventually happen for that guy.
Anyway, next post is about my weekend which was pretty damned good. Finally met someone I like.
Haven't even had a chance to look at my new Brooks Laughton short. I had a few more things to film to make it complete(and man it could have looked like shit so maybe I have to film the whole thing over, I don't even know yet). I've been way too busy with a bunch of projects.
For Halloween I had the best plans ever but unfortunately at the last minute they were cancelled because of some circumstances that had nothing to do with me. They were great though. Unfortunately this has to do with work and people who are semi-famous so I can't say shit. Luckily I do get to do these plans again. Just not on Halloween.
Instead me and Taylor parked my car in Oakland and did kind of a bar crawl. We met up with his brother and some friends and then later with my pal Doug. There was a six foot tall black girl in a charlie chaplin outfit(but like really hot if that makes sense) that kind of blew my fucking mind apart she was so fucking hot. I didn't even want to talk to her because her fineness was just painful. I know at one point I was chatting up these go go girls when Taylor took off with his brother and friends. I told him I'd catch up. I finished talking to these girls and ran to catch up. I saw Taylor's brother was hanging out with a girl with an amazing body(she was wearing a skintight sequined dress) so when I caught up with them they had no idea I was behind so I went up to the girl with no idea who she was, put my arm around her and told her I'd been following her fine ass for the last block and a half. Then I saw her face and realized it was my friend who really wouldn't get that joke and her boy friend was right there. Luckily she hadn't seen me in so long she was just happy I came. Still, she was lookin' gooood.
Then after all this I was dropping off Taylor and we heard a party like two floors up so we went up and had a good time. I was dancing with myself when this woman grabbed me and we started dancing together. She was a crack head and I don't mean she was wearing a costume. But it was fun and I was going to stop dancing with her to talk to some hot girls that were there but guess what, Billie Jean came on and maybe I am going to sound crude in this next statement but an older black woman is going to want to dance to one thing above all others, Billie fucking Jean. So the dance continued and she started kind of dirty dancing me which was kind of cracking me up and disgusting me all at once. Hey, I went along with it so who am I to complain.
Anyway, there were a bunch of hot ass girls there but one caught my eye(mainly because she had the least clothes on and the best body). I pointed her out to Taylor but I was shy again and didn't want to talk to her for some reason. Taylor introduced us and it turned out I knew her from a bar she bartends at. He acted like he was trying to get me hired(which we both knew was bullshit) and me and the girl started talking and again, just like always when I do good I have no idea what I said but we were talking for like a half hour or twenty minutes and I could tell her friend was like what the fuck do I have to pull my friend away from this guy(that'd be me). I never really talked to her at her work because she never seemed friendly. Hey I am a guy and a girls perfect ass hanging out in cute little ruffly underwear with a really cool tattoo going down her spine makes me stupid.
I got approval from the girl(!!!) to write whatever the hell I want in my newest chapters of August/Thought Balloon Man/Binge. It's mainly really really personal to me and you'll never have a question of where my affection for her is coming from again after reading Binge. Mainly my own tragedies and concerns with women based on my own life experience(raising a teenager and having my heartbroken by a woman and losing sight of what I wanted because of death and stuff). The girl factors into all that in just that right time that made this a story instead of just a crush. I needed her at that time. I wrote it and now it's just formatting it and drawing it. Believe me the funniest and saddest stuff is still to come.
The cool thing is I am taking notes for my next Graphic Novel of Thought Balloon Man. It's related to this job stuff and nothing to do with Muses and stuff from the previous graphic novel(the one I still need to finish). That feels liberating. Different subject matter but still me thinking things and getting into weird situations. It's weird the moment I realized "oh wait a second, I just entered a whole new part of my life the other week and should start taking notes because everything is about to change". It will be a while but the notes start now. With the kind of things I am doing tonight and tomorrow
This description of comics from Cracked.com made me laugh:
Just The Facts
1. Although cartoons existed prior to 1827, "L'Histoire de M. Vieux Bois" by Rodolphe Topffer is considered to be the first comic book because it's about a guy and his voluptuous girlfriend killing people. 2. Many indie comics provide an alternative to superheroes' sex and violence with tales of masturbation and wimping away from conflict. 3. Comic books easily distinguish nerds from jocks--nerds read epic conflicts of good vs. evil, while jocks memorize decimal statistics about whichever team plays closest to their house. 4. After years of struggling, comics are finally respected as a valid medium for soulless businessmen to exploit.
Before the story: I have no plans for Halloween. I was invited to a few house parties but I wanted to be more social and meet new people. So if anyone knows of anything to do especially with new people or even if you don't know me give me a heads up. Castro is shut down this year(but I'd like to go to San Francisco) and I don't want to go to some ones house(although one of the house parties I was invited to was the place I went to where they had strippers oil wrestling while my friends band played so that isn't the worst place to end up, I wrote a post about it two years ago). But that's with old high school friends and people that knew me when I was in a band so it's weird. I'm friendly and polite...or mean and nasty if thats what you want. I prefer friendly and loud personally.
As for the story: I'm not in this place anymore, so I don't know if I would do this today. But at the time I definitely wouldn't have done anything differently. Not that I will never take a girl home I just met and fuck the shit out of her again. I'm just not as much in a rush to. The end of last year was all about hooking up for me. Now I still like to, but I am not in a bad place and actually want to know a girl a little better before gettin' down (insert swanky music).
I didn't have a great time on Halloween last year. I dressed as Two Face and went out to a few places with Elayne, Taylor, Sabrina, and another girl(I forgot). It was a little fun but I took it easy with the drinking and I think we ended up going to some boring places so I actually took off early and then went to a party where Taylor's brother was at(a local skateboarder guy's house). It was a little too chill for me so I stayed for like an hour and then took off.
But november 1st I promised myself I'd make up for Halloween. I said fuck the make up and decided to just make some random costume. I wore a suit, a tie, an eye patch, and my sword. I figured that pretty much said everything you needed to know. And last night there was no way I could get laid with half my face covered in make up. No one could kiss me. So no make up this night. I was determined to meet some half naked Halloween girl. I then went with Taylor and the girls from last night to some random dudes party in concord. It was super super sketchy with a bunch of meth heads and dangerous looking dudes. Plus we were in like the only neighborhood in this whole area that you'd get shot by gangs(they were all over the place, I passed them several times, maybe it was the sword that kept them off my back).
So we get to this place and guess what? We are the only people in costume. And I am the only person who knows anyone there(the host invited me at college). So I figure, I might as well be the life of the party and I just pretended that I was super cool and talked to everyone and tried to make everyone comfortable. The only really nice non dangerous person there was a girl. She brought a costume but wasn't wearing it because no one else was. We got her to put it on. It was the chick from Nightmare Before Christmas.
She was friendly so I started talking to her half blind from the eye patch. I offered her the booze we brought because no one wanted it(remember they were all on some sordid shit). We started drinking together. Somewhere along the way we noticed we're through half a bottle of whiskey(and it was big). She showed me a naked picture of her(and her friends for extra points). So I figured fuck it, go in. I moved in close and started trying to crack her up and just get in there right next to her. I conned her into looking at some picture on my phone and made her lean in and then I fucking went for it. About half an hour into making out in the backyard at three in the morning I realized I can't walk and can barely see. I finally figure out I need to take off the eye patch because I have no equilibrium.
The girls I came with took off after seeing my display of affection all over the back patio. So now I was at some strangers house with some girl I didn't know. Luckily Taylor could drive so I brought Nightmare Before Christmas home with me and at some point Taylor, me, and the girl were all on the couch watching Hanzo The Razor(a weird blacksploitation type samurai movie with massive amounts of weird sex and of course chopping of limbs and fountains of blood, it is a samurai movie after all).
After a while I smiled, grabbed the girls hand and said it was time to go to bed. I led her to my room and left Taylor with the fucked up japanese movie. I closed my bedroom door and just started stripping. She didn't hesitate and did the same. I made out a little more with her and then took the rest off and went down and after a while we got into it. Forty minutes later it was over(I think I have more endurance now than I did when I was younger, I guess I learned something from all that porn) and afterwards we went outside while she smoked. I showed her a rock garden about ten feet long in between some trees in my dark ass front yard and told her it was a creek(I guess I was still drunk, it looked like a creek but I live there so I know it's not).
For some reason I thought this was a great time to start fucking with her. Then I pointed at the main road(it was the main road that went through my town, Alamo). I told her about all the women who went missing and that they never found the killer. She got all freaked out and then I told her it could be anyone really. The only thing they know for sure were that all the women were hacked to pieces by a sword. She looked at me all fucked up and I totally started laughing. Probably shouldn't say fucked up shit like that to girls you just met.
I remember another time with that same girl a few months later. She was really stoned(funny story, she was smoking some stuff one of my sisters friends dropped and I "confiscated" what a great parent, huh, look at the stories I can tell now that I'm not legally a parent anymore) and we were in my bed and I don't know why but I remembered the serial killer story and got on top of her and started joking about it. I thought it was a great idea to follow up on that joke I made months back. But she was messed up so she totally believed me and thought I was going to kill her. I could see it in her eyes. I said I was joking and tried to make her feel better but nothing worked . She just decided I was a murderer and accepted her inevitable death. Anyway, she's not with us anymore so I guess it doesn't matter.
Only girl I ever met who was a more sexual than me. I need to meet more like that.
I am filming a Brooks Laughton short this weekend. It shouldn't take too long before I post it. Maybe a week or two tops. I have a bunch of cool pages for Tooth And Nail and I have written the final draft of the next few chapters of August. So there may be breaks in between the posts but the posts will be worth it.
I did this water color painting with water color pencils. You can see I crosshatched lightly and then used water to mix and lift the lines out. This was on beige toned paper so I could add white later on for highlights. I intended this to be some random girl and then I started to "fix" the eyes and next thing you know its the same specific eyes I always draw. My idea of perfect eyes apparently are this specific type and every time I draw normal eyes I end up thinking they look wrong. I'm idiotic/obsessive that way. I have a policy that I don't draw nude versions of people I know unless they specifically posed and that bit of awesomeness did not happen here, so this is some random girl I made up. This measures 10X7 inches. Kind of small for my tastes. Never gonna prove what a big cock I have if my paintings are that small(crossing arms and scowling).
I may have a real job. Still in the development phase and I can't talk about details. The details are very cool, though. And the people I am working with are extremely cool. Like the kind of people you hear about but thought you'd never meet. They are my bosses and the people I will have to meet with on a regular basis. I had a meeting on monday to I guess make sure I was the kind of guy they want onboard. I didn't know the scope of the idea and job, I thought I was just doing a little thing for someone. Anyway, this would make me an official director. I really wish I could say how cool it was meeting these people and swapping stories for another graphic novel and potential movie I came up with to do after Thought Balloon Man. They knew the real life versions of the ideas I was throwing out and gave me great story ideas. Anyway the details will have to remain vague. Sorry.
I made a comic just a few weeks ago about touching some boobs that belonged to some girls I was friends with. Well this weekend a girl who read that comic forced my hand onto her breast because she felt a little jealous. Me being just completely stupidly shy was all weird and laughing about it but smiling like an idiot. Then she said her ass was better so my hands also got a hold of that golden handfull. Now this was only accentuated by the fact her friend felt left out and forced me to touch her goodies(you know, jelly beans, croissants, tits, ass, that kind of shit). This was making me extremely horny of course but I was also incredibly fucked up which made me even more astounded at any kind of social graces I could possibly have to deserve this. Whatever charm I posses escapes me completely.
When I was drinking all the time last year I found I was really cool whenever I was hung over. I would be so fucked up the next day that I had some weird kind of animal magnetism. I was all rock starred out and I couldn't stand and it looked like I always had a headache(I did) and my voice was all smoky and fucked. I am not nearly that miserable now and I don't drink even a portion as much as I used to but this night I was very very fucked up, but still cognizant. So what ever mojo I have was on.
These girls gave me total points in the girl department because somehow I was talking to another girl I just met for a half an hour about going to Scotland or France with my next girlfriend(I don't think I was hinting because I wasn't talking about her, but I meant it) while this girl who looked like a hot Courtney Love(hey, it can happen) was giving me some serious fuck me eyes. Like take her outside and ravage her kind of eyes. Later on my friend told me I should have just said nice to meet you to the girl and talked to fuck me eyes which I agreed. I'm stupid but fuck it I still had hand fulls of golden honey by the end of the night.
Plus there was some band hanging out. I didn't know who they were but they had a bunch of hot groupies and one of them was like trying to take me away from the girl I was talking to in order to dance. I could barely stand straight so that wasn't exactly an option.
At the end of the night I said goodbye to the girl I was talking to and there was a total awkward moment where it was super clear I was supposed to ask her for her number but since I knew she lived in Palo Alto and I already have a little thing for a girl in Palo Alto I didn't get her number(it's a hassle trying to date a girl that far away and I'm still trying to hang out with the first girl from Palo Alto[the one I met in San Diego], and in other news I am going to her birthday party tomorrow). About three minutes after that is when I somehow became the Official Swedish Feel Up Boy(TM). If you're a girl I'm not sure you can properly appreciate just how fucking rad that is for me.
I went out with my friends last night to see my buddy Abbey who was in town for one night. I basically talked my poor friend Sabrina's ear off and told her everything I felt for the girl in my comic. Just spilled my guts. It was funny because she was giving me all this girl advice on how to get over her and feel better. So thanks.
Anyway I had a top secret vacation to one of the coolest cities in the world planned. Trying to see if I can fit it into my schedule and my friend's schedule(because she's moving away around the time and I am just getting off another vacation around the same time and without her I won't know how to do shit there).
Last year when I went back to college I became friends with a few girls there. My only goal besides getting better at art was to meet a shit load of girls and I did just that. The kind of girls that when I was 20-21 would have intimidated the shit out of me. I didn't care how hot they were I was older and more flamboyant(?) and was going to make them my friend(they almost always invariably had boyfriends, otherwise fuck being friend's, right). I actually noticed the other guys in the class were a little frustrated because I was totally in with these ridiculous looking girls(ridiculous as in crazy hot) and all I did was clown around, yet they were all trying to plug away at the same girls and having all this trouble.
I have no idea what I did right. I think it was just easy because I had been through all of that before when I was their age. And the funny thing was eventually I'd tell them how old I was and it only made the girls like me more. Girls are fucking crazy that way.
Anyway, one of them I hung out with a lot and she was super cute. Like just amazing. Half cuban and half phillipino. Weird combination but on her it was fucking great. She's in August towards the last half. I remember even showing her the notes last year where she appeared in the comic(I wrote it before we ever talked so she was called Hotexican in the script because me and another hot girl had a crush on her and wanted to know what she was, I said she was just a hot mexican, thus the nickname...extra side note, she worked at the coffee shop just a few blocks from where I currently live and where I got coffee with the girl in my comic last december and in an added twist Hotexican quit and was replaced by the other hot girl in that same class, Scandi[short for dirty scandinavian, a brand new racist word I was developing for really white perfect people, because she looked like some experiment in making the hottest white chick)that is the barista I was talking to 2 posts ago). Hotexican mentioned a show I should watch because I reminded her of the guy on it.
I've finally seen the show, and I've become obsessed with it. It was It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. The guy she compared me to was Charlie. Now I don't know if I should be offended but since he's my favorite character on the show I guess I can't. Anyway, through out the show he does all this stuff to try to meet the girl of his dreams. He makes a play(The Nightman Cometh) and a bunch of other weird schemes to spend time with this waitress that hates him.
So I'm eating my cereal and watching last nights episode on my DVR. Charlie's trying to see if hornets make honey. The other guys are trying to distract him so he doesn't find out the waitress is getting married because he is going to be too depressed.
That's when it finally hit me and I said, "Oh my god, I'm totally Charlie."
This is the scariest doll commercial ever.
The art is from a just completed commission. It's a jedi character from the Force Unleashed. And amzingly there is not one lesbian in the picture(actually I played that game and looking back maybe she was a lesbian, she did have a thing for her master...that sounds kind of hot). But no lesbians. And then I think of how much I miss drawing naked girls and I get back to my other commissions. But this was a good breather.
I may hire a model for the skin tones and lighting and anatomy fixes on my current paintings. $50 an hour. And most likely nude or half dressed. If you know any.
Favorite shows right now are It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Californication, and Curb Your Enthusiasm. I'll check out the new 30 Rock tonight if I stay in.
I'm still working on money for my movie and I have some good possibilities so I'm happy. I guess.
Adrian
P.S.: I'm sitting here saturday morning realizing the things I did since I posted(I'm talking Friday night) and thinking a post is in order for Sunday. Maybe I'll say something. It's on the edge of whether I should or not. I know my hands are golden and should never be washed. Plus I am still in mourning over my girl who left(who is most definitely NOT my girl, weep weep). But fun is fun.
I've been finishing commissions and starting some paintings. Right now they are mainly roughs but you can see where I'm going with it. The first pic is a painting that I've only done the background pencils on. Those will eventually be painted over. It stands at about three feet. You can see my 11X17 tight sketch for a painting right next to it along with my tiny lil Ipod.
The one after that is the rough to work out the anatomy and shadows on another painting. So basically I'd redraw this on a way bigger canvas.
Trying to stay in more. Not think about my feelings. Not drink too much. Get work done. Want to have a shit load of stuff done by the end of the year. Screenplay, Thought Balloon Man, the first issue of Tooth And Nail, and a lot of paintings so I can have a gallery show. I can do this.
I'll have that post about my shitty trip sometime soon. It's long and technical and needs all the details. Plus I need some accompanying art.
I keep telling you how boring I am when I don't talk about girls. But whatever, I am the american ninja of restraint when it comes to thinking about girls now(whatever that means). Gotta work and get some results. Thats more important. Right...
"Tell me, what is my life without your love Tell me, who am I without you, by my side"
-George Harrison "What Is Life"
I just want to say happy birthday to Courtni. Me and Courtni used to have this problem. When ever we saw each other we would get the most ridiculous smiles on our faces. Like we couldn't stop. It didn't matter how much we saw each other. If we were at a distance we would just start grinning like idiots. And then we'd come over and make fun of each other for it. It was because we were so happy to see each other. No matter how much time had passed. Thats the smile I want again.
This is a music video I made out of everything I filmed this summer. And unfortunetly I didn't film much(aside from the childSTAR trailer and the Brooks Laughton Cribs thing check it out in the side bar if you haven't). Lots of my friends moved away this year.
And just to make it clear, I do not smoke cigarettes. If you see the video you'll know what I'm talking about.
In the video you see almost all my friends who moved away this year(I also have a few friends who went away for a few months, Jasmeet, Eric, Chelsea, other). Paul I've known longest. We worked at a comic book store ten years ago and been friends ever since(Mendoza worked with us and later so did Taylor and Crack Mike). Okay, now I'm name dropping friends. Another good friend of mine, Elayne moved to New Orleans. I actually met her because she was the hot girl who worked next door to the comic book store at Baskin Robbins. I used to crank call her which I thought was hilarious since she was literally five feet away from me through a wall and had never met me. Then I later met her as a friend of Taylor. I got over her and became friends(I got to kiss her anyway in my music video many years later). My friend Holly moved to South Lake Tahoe. She used to flirt with me relentlessly and once I almost kissed her but I was seeing someone so I didn't. My friend Abbey moved to southern California and works on a huge two sail boat. My ex girlfriend moved to get away from drugs(and no I didn't do them with her) and she's been pretty good. I'm proud of her. My friend Amy I met along with all the Swedish Au Pairs. She finished her stint and moved back to Australia. I think there is also Mister Loveless in there somewhere and I know there is Daniel on the last Catholic Comb show. We were imitatiing our characters in childSTAR. Also towards the end is a picture of Taylor on stage for the film he directed(I'll get back to that in a minute).
Almost all these people moved either early summer or late summer. Some of these people like Paul and Elayne and my ex I spent all my time with. And without them life here has taken on a new degree of boredom. In a way this video is a tribute to them and all the fun times we had. I wish I didn't miss the great parts(the "dancer", San Diego, Winery, Various crazy nights)
On Thursday I was taking a depression nap(You know, like you can't stand being awake so you have to sleep and be unconsious to make it through the day...healthy) because I often go through a short depression after putting up really embarrassing and revealing posts like the last one. So Taylor calls me and asks if I want to go see his film open for the Oakland International Film Festival. I think he is fucking with me since I had no idea what film he was talking about. Then he explained how I brought a bunch of food for the set once. It turns out that this 8 minute movie made it as the opening movie for the film festival and had already won an award in New York. I was looking at Taylor like what the fuck how come you never mentioned this. We hang out like several times a week and he is my writing partner. Anyway after the first block of films showed he was invited onto the stage and they asked questions and I taped it. That is the part at the end of the video with them onstage.
Last night I went out with my friend Doug. We went to a few lounges and clubs. At the second one there was this Brazilian dance thing with half naked Brazilian women. We danced and enjoyed it. Doug asked why I wasn't filming with my little camera after I explained how I liked to film stuff. I said(or think I said, I was pretty fucked)that it would seem like leering. Probably why he didn't film it himself(we were like two feet away). then this girl who I have to say, out of girls dancing in the last few months, this girl had the best ass of all of them. She was crazy and all over the place and she had low rise jeans and a little shirt that barely covered her ribcage. So she had a lot of mid rif clearance(from bottom of shirt to jeans). I look at this like signaling an aircraft to land. Anyway, Doug takes one look at her and sees the hottest girl in the whole club. I agree, and once she shaked that thing so did every guy there. He has balls and goes up kind of grabs her and they start dancing. Now this ass was an example of what asses are made for. Putting your drink on or doggy level sex. Some how I even dance with her a little getting a great inadvertant lap dance. But Doug, he wants that ass and he isn't even an ass man. He dances with her some more. This assmatic ass(it was making me assmatic just looking at it) is up against Doug just relentlessly smacking away at his gonads and right when she is all over him she whispers something to him. He laughs and says something back.
Later he says to me she said, "I'll give you a lap dance for fifty bucks." His reply: "I'll give you one for 100." Right then she breaks between us and grabs him and he says, "So, are you paying in cash...or..." Anyway, I salute his woman denying. Thats the kind of girl who you never want her number because calling her will be a pain in the ass and no matter how hot she is she makes up for it in being a pain in the ass. Hot in a club but all fucked once you leave. Actually me and Doug sort of dated the same girl and the reason that is is because Me and this girl went out I felt she was crazy and stopped answering her calls. She basically offended my sensibilities with such incompetant views on art I didn't want to talk to her. You have to be super fucking stupid to do that. I am way too open minded to get pissed about that. And she was super hot. Didn't matter. Then Doug got vibed by her and asked if he could call her(he knew I had seen her a few times). I said if you want to deal with that crazy bitch then you're welcome to her. He went out with her more and then found out she was a crazy bitch and dropped her. I kept her number so she couldn't blind call me.
I'm being mean. Later Doug said he liked girls 28 and over. I was all fuck that noise! But he explained how nice they were and then I remember how good my girlfriend treated me and how I wasn't the least bit used to it. And I thought about how older women are generally cooler. And they treat you like a human being. But no. I don't meet them.
I swear I am trying to go all samurai on this shit. Take my memory my feelings and ignore them and turn them into to art of some kind and forget. I think of a girl and I change the subject in my mind and pretend she doesn't exist. I try to paint. Sure it comes out just looking like the same girl again but fuck, I'm weak, stupid, and human. It's all right I can talk to her in e-mail and oh fuck you dumb shit you're doing it right now. It isn't even real until you can see it. Remember that. I can draw anyone all I like but until I see her in real life it aint real.
Jeez, I talk to my self in these posts too much now.
Aside from finishing the aforementioned childSTAR screenplay so I can hawk it around Hollywood(well, actually my friends would do the hawking) I need to finally finish this first issue of Tooth And Nail and the Thought Balloon Man graphic novel. This year. I don't know if that's possible but I am going to give it the old college try(or drop out of art college try).
So I'm taking a break. Sometimes that break will be a few days sometimes it will be much longer. It depends on what I have to show. I have a bunch of sketches now only because I was finishing commissions and also practicing my painting styles for paintings I need to produce for a show(not scheduled yet, just need to produce enough to make a show).
I don't stop. I keep moving. I look ahead. I find what I'm looking for and I take it.
I'm gonna get that smile back one way or another.
Adrian
P.S.: The art is me practicing with acrylic ink and the double shot one is of my failed pieces. P.P.S.:Next post is a long one about a fucked vacation I went on. It may be funny. P.P.P.S.:For about 10 minutes around 3:30 in the morning I really thought it was a good idea to name my tongue "Sweet Weasel", you know, to let women know what they're in for, in the sack. Heh heh, high five, brah.
A couple of things occurred to me while writing the last post. No one was making me happy. Maybe I couldn't be. Part of it was that I wasn't getting a huge deposit back for my last place(or getting very little back). Part of it was that no one was intriguing me.
My sister said that I was unhappy because I wasn't letting anyone in. But the truth is I was letting plenty of girls in. In my life as friends and as possible romantic partners. And a large part of my discontent wasn't because I wasn't trying. It was because as I said before people are basically boring. If ever there was someone who hated being bored it is me. And at the end of the day the only woman who I was still not bored with is gone. You can tell this has been brewing in my brain for the last few posts.
I'm of course talking about the girl in my comic. She's gone. Like thousands of miles away gone. Like no internet gone. So I can bring it up again. It would have been weird to do it earlier since I now consider her a friend. I can spill my guts and then cover it up with a bunch of posts before she gets back. If she comes back. And hey, finally with this distance and this friends thing I can get over her and the things I can't change.
I've said how beautiful she is constantly and I still stand behind even my most aggressive tomes to her beauty(I even put that up when I was dating someone). But, and this is where I have to wake up, I actually haven't talked to her in person since last december. We have only waved at each other once from a distance since then. I thought I saw her twice from farther distances. And even then I wasn't sure. Really we haven't looked each other in the eyes this whole entire year. And you already know how I feel about her eyes.
She may be the prettiest girl in my opinion, but my remembrances of her perfection have been skewed by my own distorted memories and artistic license. It's like when astronauts go into space. They have a limited supply of oxygen. And when that runs out it is filtered and then recycled into the cabin. Every time that oxygen gets less and less fresh. Or a tape played over and over until it doesn't sound right anymore.
That is what I see now. Not her, flesh and blood and perfect in her imperfection. No, I see an impressionist painting of the woman I was so in love with. I see lines and paint. I see my interpretation of an interpretation.
I think I'm forgetting what she really looks like. I had so much trouble drawing her in episode 13 of August. I couldn't capture her in my drawings anymore(as sick as that sounds). Months had gone by since I had seen her. I haven't even seen a picture of her. I was losing my muse.
And all I am left with, all I see when you strip away her beauty: The complex and interesting and nice person she is. She is still beautiful, perhaps even more so, even when I basically can barely remember what she looks like. Thats the only way I even know her anymore. A voice on the phone. When I first liked her I probably would have supposed that not seeing her would lessen my feelings. And with a lot of beautiful women the truth is it would. I would slowly care less and less. Because that was all they had. Fleeting beauty.
But as the mystery of her became stark reality I found a pain and sadness I thought mirrored my own in some weird way(hence the Beatles song I included). And sure that may have been me distorting the reality to fit my needs. Didn't matter. I found the bad things about her endeared me more to her. They made her from just some girl to someone who can overcome anything. I have always had a very intense attraction to strong women. To complex women. To intelligent women. And the fact that I saw in her all of these things plus a sadness I wanted desperately to fix made me a little obsessed.
At the time I couldn't really do anything for her. And she was strong and whatever was going on she fixed herself. Maybe I just assumed she was sad. I had to fix myself before I could ever know her anyway.
And now I meet all these girls. I should be happy. Other people would be happy. I'm not other people. I try to be attracted to them, I try to find something besides beauty. Something magnetic and special. And I just see a girl. Not something bad, not something to be discounted, but just something normal.
I know what I am doing with my life. I'm finally fixed. I'm finally who I want to be. I know how I am going to do it. And I am going to succeed through hard work and a hard will. And my first rule is always to go for broke. Don't be an actor, or a writer working under someone else. Be the actor, the writer, the director. Be the artist and writer to my own story and all the others I have yet to write.
And with that, I cannot settle for normal. I need the best. I need the greatest. I need someone to share that with that was great before I ever met them. I do not need someone who is the same as me. I need the yin to my yang. I need the opposite to me. The only good relationships I have ever had have been with girls who were nothing like me.
I unfortunately cannot have the one I chose. I don't know of anyone else who is that perfect storm of things I like. I actually don't expect to meet anyone else like that. I just don't see how. I had the world to give and now I think that is just going to melt between my fingers. Squandered on the wrong girls. Girls I am with so I don't have to be lonely. Girls I am with so I can forget what I never had.
When me and the girl in my comic talked she always gave me this goofy little smile. When we last talked I was smiling the whole time. That's what I want. To just have that goofy smile when I see someone. No one else gives me that.
I am going to spend some more time working on bigger projects from now on. I am going to post a little less. I don't want to have to finish a sketch in my sketch book so I can post it, and then miss out on finishing my graphic novel or a painting or my screenplay. So I'll post when I have something and sometimes that will be often and sometimes it will be in a long while. We'll see. I have one more post for Friday and that will explain what I plan on doing project wise.
Adrian PS: that's me unpacking my office on Monday. The painting was done today over the whole day. I was relearning how to paint correctly.. The words from the Beatles song "She said I know what it's like to be dead, I know what it is to be sad, and it's making me feel like I've never been born." Those are the ones that resonate in me.
I know I have better stories of back seat high jinx but this is the only one I have lately(I had a house and now I have a kick ass apartment, why the fuck am I gonna fool around in a car anymore...well except one time this year I was seeing a girl and she wanted to do it in the car and I refused because her apartment was literately like 20 feet away and there were too many street lights). Whatever. So this girl's head is in my lap. Taylor is driving Crack Mikes car. There is four of us in the back seat. Me, Crack Mike, and two young blond as fuck swedish au pairs. The girl I'm going for is laying across three of us, her head in my lap and I am stroking her hair and neck and ear talking to her about stuff. I could just bend my head down and kiss her. I want to. But at the same time I have two other people to my right so I figure that might be weird. I only drank moderately after the disaster of last night. This girl in my lap is so cute it occurs to me that she has really young features so I ask her when she was born. Bad idea. She says 1989. I guess I make an intensely sad face and she asks me what's wrong. I say nothing. But I know that is too young. Technically I saw a girl who was 13 years younger than me last year(it will be in a big episode of August so you can read that for the details). But it wasn't serious, it was just hooking up.
This girl, while I wasn't trying to be serious, was still just too young. The good thing about having nothing serious with someone that age is that you don't have to look for commonalities. You just look for fun. And at least that I have plenty of. And hell, the only thing I get better at with age is fucking, so I know I won't fuck as bad as any guy her age(and I never sucked so I'm surprised I got better). But this one was one of my swedish friends so I try to be a little more careful(and really almost all of them are 20-21, but generally I am just friends with them no matter how hot so it never was an issue...well except the last time, but that girl was 24).
I'm sitting here thinking I should just make out with this girl and say fuck it, but part of me feels really bad. I'm happy that for once I give a shit and am not thinking about recent girls(well girl singular). But of course I am with the wrong girl for me. I think about the girl I liked and wanted to bring home with me from that cowboy bar(the one from San Diego). How we had the weirdest things in common. How on some weird level we would be perfect for each other(and even then the girl was only 23) while she was still living here before she went back to school. But we're only friends now and on some weird level I am still a little hurt it didn't work out so I haven't really tried to hang out again. I'm just obsessed with this age thing because it's totally inexplicable how I never end up with any one over 25. Fuck it I don't want to anyway.
(I smell what can only be referred to as steaming reverse bacon in the other room and realize I have to clean the litter box right fucking now. Ewww. Okay, that's better.)
Anyway, I had a great time at Amber in San Francisco. It was my friend Aimee's going away party. She is going back to Australia. I told her she was in my comic where I touched her boobs. She asked if I drew her naked. I told her I've never seen her naked so I can't put that in there. It's all true. It was funny because today I got all these messages about that comic.
Somehow today I ran into the Jennifer Connely girl again(I told her she was stalking me) as I walk into the corner Coffee Shop in Walnut Creek and thenrun into a girl from college I used to call Brigitte Bardot(hottest girl in the sixties). She's actually in my comic at some point. And here I was feeling like shit because I'm not getting my deposit back from the last place.
I think I'm supposed to hang out with that 20 year old swede this week. I just don't know what to do with this one. I think I'll just let it go. Not call or whatever. Meet someone else. Don't think of the one I want(keep saying that). Fucking swedes!
I woke up on saturday at 8 AM on a couch in Oakland. My ass up in the air like some invitation I wasn't trying to send. I got so trashed at the Oakland Art Murmur(an open gallery thing) where I ran into a bunch of people from my home town(that jennifer connely girl I met last weekend and my friend from Starbucks Joanne and my friend from ten years ago Keegan and Gavin and other random people). This cool artist guy invited me to his show next weekend and wanted to check out my art when I gave the a girl my card. The art at Strangeco was rad but after a while I got fucked up and couldn't see shit(which is basically useless.
At that point I don't remember what happened. It's actually a blur. I have no idea how Taylor puts up with me. Somehow, and I really have to try to remember this I ended up in some bar(I think) and I think either Taylor was talking to some girl or some girl was giving him shit(I'm really confused on which one it was) so I started talking to her friend. Now you have to imagine how trashed I was here, that my memory is practically gone. And I'm only reconstructing the events based on what was in my phone. Somehow, I must have said something good because the pissed off friend doesn't stop the girl I am talking to from giving me her number which I can barely write down because my fingers are drunk also. She's telling me to call her and stuff.
The worst part is I can barely remember what she looks like. I had to search my phone to find her name. I have no idea what the fuck I could have possibly said or done to get this girls number. On some level this would be cool but now it happens more often so I'm fine never calling her. But does that make me a dick? I can't think of a good reason to call this girl. I don't even think I wanted her number, but I must have been flirting or something. I'm almost surprised I didn't get into a drunk makeout(give it another day). Seriously need to stick to wine. No more Wild Turkey.
My general not giving a shit about girls lately because of my ending my crush on the only one I cared about has just fucked me. I don't even care when the opportunity falls in my lap now. I don't even care when my life has gotten better and all my women problems have gone away. It's weird. I have this awesome place surrounded by super hot women and I'm actually successful with women I meet and I don't want it. I do, in theory, but I'm a chooser. I don't want what is available. I want exactly what I want. Not alternatives.
Face it, I'm not over shit. Go back to bed.
Adrian
P.S.: The art is from a comic I drew a few years back. It was to celebrate 24 hour comic day. I literally drew a 24 page comic in 24 hours with my friend Jonathan Chan. I was up for like 40 hours and in the last hour started seeing smoke everywhere and hallucinating.
I'm just a little down in the dumps. I haven't been dumped. But I've been to the dump three times in the last week. Thats sucks. Emptying out my house and thirty years of memories. I have pictures all over from my whole life. I found little letters I kept from old girlfriends. I found pictures I didn't know I had of me, my friends, and loved ones(forgot how hot the girl I loved was until I came across a pic, she coincidentally was pissed off at me today).
Sold some old books I had. Got $200. That was cool. Especially since it was for stuff that was taking up so much room but I really never cared if I ever saw again.
My weekend was painfully uneventful. Well, except for friday.
Friday, after promising to rip the shit out of the bay area I ended up staying in. It was super lame. I had spent the whole day moving all my boxes and furniture over to my new place. It took forever. Then I went to buy some beer at 7-11. I get to the stop light and look to my right. It's the girl from my comic. This time I am way more sure. And I had just received an e-mail from her like 30 minutes earlier. I didn't know what to say to it so I went and got beer. My first reaction was to honk. But I stopped myself before my hand hit the horn. I thought how stupid and awkward that would be. And from where I was it could possibly be someone else. So I let it go. I drove to 7-11. I then finished moving with this gigantic white guy and these two small mexicans. When we finished I offered them beers. The young mexican said he gets headaches so he doesn't drink anymore. The old mexican said he wasn't drinking if the young one wasn't(later I said to the girl in my comic that these dudes totally started acting like chicks). So I'm paying and talking to the white dude and I get a call from a weird number. It turns out to be the girl in my comic. We talk for almost an hour. Just normal stuff. Just about life and funny shit.
And see, thats where I have to be an ass and say me and her are friends and guess what? It means it's private. It means that now my feelings cannot be told. It diffuses the whole thing at least until she's gone and then hahahaha I can say anything I want!(that was an evil laugh) Well, maybe. I don't know. I see why we are what I said about special people and how everyone else is boring. She is endlessly fascinating. And it's not like I ever run out of things to say. But...careful what you wish for. That's why I quoted that Lou Reed song "Perfect Day". The lines "You're gonna reap just what you've sown" became painfully apparent. I have very strong feelings. And sure I can be cool and never talk about them again. With normal people. With her...I don't know. Here I am talking about it. So, I will try so fucking hard to not talk about it. My strong emotions were only a one way thing anyway. She has been a sweetheart and saw who I really was. I'm not going to ruin it.
But that is very funny. I've mentioned this before. After a minute or two of being around someone I've fictionalized I start to remember, oh yeah, we're not fictional characters with storylines and hollywood endings. We are real people. I both get a realistic feeling of connection and a loss of the objectification I have towards a fictional character. All that dramatic bullshit goes out the window. We are just two people. And I start talking like I do in real life. Not like some theatrical emo guy in my comic.
Anyway, I could say a lot more. I have a lot more to say about me and her and friendship. But I won't. Thats not for anyone else to know right now. We'll say I'm over it and assume I'm not lying since I never do. Unless I am lying. Which I would do on this one subject. So yeah...I guess it's not even an issue since I won't see her again(I think). I can not feel toward someone I don't see(theoretically) and actually move on. And strangely enough seeing/talking to her helped. Maybe. Fuck, I'm conflicted. But I made a decision on how I feel and I won't put it on here. It's personal. It was a hard decision.
It's weird when an actual chapter of your life is over. What do you do now? The answer is there is nothing I can do. And now I know it. I guess you go and do something else. And I don't know what that is. Being normal and boring isn't an option. And it's not like I can just start talking about someone else. Even my ex's are still pissed about my writings about this girl. I was never faking it and it was never "just some chick." And now it will fade into time like it never happened. Like it was never felt because it will only be in my memories.
Later that night friends were all busy so I ended up taking a bath in my new place. Yes, a bath. Like I was a woman. I even read a book. I'm surprised I didn't light a fucking candle. I can already feel my vagina growing.
Saturday I cleaned my house some more and then got real antsy. I called my friend Crack Mike(long story on why we named him Crack Mike, but it has nothing to do with him doing crack or butt cracks). We went to the Missouri Lounge in Berkeley. It's kind of hipstered out but whatever. I usually have a friend or two who shows up there and the drink specials kick ass. Anyway, I guess my cutting meals in half and spacing them out fucked me up inside because I had one drink special(tecate and tequila shot) and was useless. I wanted to meet some women and blah blah blah, but now I could barely speak. I have the very unusual(at least for a man) problem of getting less touchy feely and forward when I drink. I am so paranoid of doing something bad I just shut up(I mentioned a similar phobia two posts ago, they both came from the same girl). I was walking to the bar again and I see some hot ass girls. I recognize one from Facebook(she was in a friends photos and she looked like 1990's Jennifer Connoly and you probably do not get what a big compliment that is from me). I don't know this girl so I look around and there is my friend Natalie. I met her fourth of July 2008. I remember because that summer I chronicled everything for Thought Balloon Man. I barely knew her but she was cool and I was a fan of her blog which I really felt in it's own way mirrored my own(at least when I was really down, because she had beautifully sad poetry and stories about that general sadness that one has at certain points in their lives).
I'm gonna make an aside here because I have a theory about men and women and midlife crises. Society and our places in it have changed. We don't all get married and have kids at the same age as our parents. Things have changed. I've noticed that within the people I have known, the men have all gone through mid life crises a little after thirty. I've noticed the women have around the age 21-25(I assume because they are more mature they do it earlier). Maybe thats just around here or just a coincidence. But, I do feel that the girls I have known and their feelings at that age have mirroed mine at 32-33. I think that is a big reason I very coincidentally hit it off with that age consistently(usually I don't even know their age until later). We are technically different in years but in feelings about life and the uncertainty of future happiness, we seem to be in exactly the same state of mind.
So me, Crack Mike, Natalie, and her hot friends all go to the back where I snatch a cabana(is that what you call it) and we all talk about noodling and Disney movies. They are all celebrating Natalie's 25th birthday. I am really drunk and trying to hide it so these hot girls have no idea and thats kind of stupid because now I must be coming off as some dumb ass since I am close to functioning but really my eyes are half closed my gestures are all loose and I'm slurring just little bit and saying wildly sexual things about the Little Mermaid and Snow White. But whatever they were super nice and at least they were laughing.
The next night I confirm my new intolerance for alcohol when Taylor and I go to the city and I get super fucked up on 2 dollar mixed Soju shots at this great sushi bar around the corner from the Hemlock. Then we go to the Hemlock and these two girls give me and Taylor the eye and I'm too fucked up to even try to talk to them. I'm gonna have to not drink as much anymore. I can't handle it on this diet. Just wine for now on. Not even heavy beer. We ended up at some Thia restaurant where they were doing beer competitions and had a live band. I ate some chicken wings there like a fucking pig, like I'd never do in public. But whatever I was fucking wasted.
Worst thing of all: I think with all this girl drama or diffusing of the girl drama, losing my big crush to reality, I have lost any feeling towards anyone else. I didn't care before and now I care even less. I want to meet girls but only out of sexual desire and nothing else. They don't fascinate me at all(I am not including my friends here or the girls I met the previous night, but again that was just friends so I wasn't thinking of trying shit).
On one hand I feel invincible. I got what I wanted. I only wanted three things and in a sense I have those three things. They were all out there. They were all impossible in everyone else's mind but mine. I know I can make a movie. I know I can make comics. And I know I can get who I want. And I did(in some capacity at least/as friends). That makes me feel so powerful. But of course, there is more to it and I am still single and my feelings, my crush, and my emotions are at least temporarily put in their right place. Which is in a jar. I don't want anyone(or anyone I want is not available and no one can do anything about it). I hate being single. I hate not having sex. I get stupid. And yes I could take care of that rather quickly but I am and have always been really choosy. I don't like stupid girls and good looks gets you far with me obviously but if you're stupid and boring I eventually stop seeing beauty and see stupid and boring. If you play any games I'm even worse I just cut you out completely.
So all that puts me in a weird place.
I now live between two pairs of hot girls. For real. Totally attractive. And I can't really bring myself to give a shit if anything happens with any of them. In fact I almost have like a degree of repellence to them. "They aren't as good as so and so." Or "they like stupid dudes and don't even bother to see the wide world around them." Those thoughts go through my head. It's judgmental(and don't pretend for a second you don't do this from time to time too). I mean, when I've talked to them I take them as who they are, but I do not put anything else into it.
Sidenote: I was walking to my car and my neighbors always leave their door open. I am not a fucking perv so I never look in. But, the other day one of the girls is standing right there at the entrance so I can't help but notice. And she is just wearing a string bikini. I say hi(first time I met her actually), smile and keep walking. If I wasn't so exhausted I think I would have gotten light headed from the blood flowing from my brain to my cock. By the way, enjoy these last two paragraphs while you can. I'm sure I'll mention this site to them at some point and will delete this. I never delete shit but come on.
I'm in a state of confusion and loss of romance. Not broken, not hurt, really, just put off. Not even horny anymore. Just nothing. A guy alone in his apartment writing and wishing for a different future. The one I'm looking at for the rest of the year seems completely empty.
I felt kind of bad having that last post still up since I ended up talking to the girl I emailed(yeah the one in last posts painting sketches). Didn't want the little world I made on the internet to think I am still down about that or something. I plan on going out and tearing this town a new asshole tonight.
Fealing weird today and don't have the heart to unpack all my stuff. My apartment is awesome. I really love it. But I need to get out tonight. Get kind of drunk and forget the past and meet some hot woman(not a hoochie like I see in Clayton all the time). Here is something I wrote on Wednesday about my experience Tuesday. Lets hope tonight goes better than that day. The pictures here are unfinished paintings I found from 2008. I didn't have any nude models so I stopped. Maybe if I can afford one or have some girl come over(fingers crossed) I'll get them to pose. and finish these. Plus pics of my new apartment in Walnut Creek.
I was banned from Lucas Ranch and ILM for comments I said to a friend who worked there. Something about Lucas rape and some other horrible things I imagined he did. Thats actually true. Thus the THX lucas reference in my picture I took on Friday.
I've been so busy moving and going to dumps and throwing out half of my life that I haven't had a chance to do any art. I got to go out only one night(tuesday) and that was because my friend's Eric and Chelsea were leaving for Brazil(Chelsea was the model in my photos and Eric is supposed to be an actor turned porn star in my movie childSTAR which obviously was one of the funnest parts to write). Plus Taylor, my friend who was in the last episode of August helped me move all day so I bought him drinks and dinner.
And since this was the first time I got to be social in a few days I had this one thought on my mind. My friend Elayne kind of called my ass out for being a little bit of a player recently. I disagreed for the most part. But here I was and I wondered if I do player things. I was even wondering what I would say if I was a player. Just then a bartender walked up and I told her to put it on my tab I opened for Taylor and I a little earlier(I had worked hard that day and eaten very little so I was tipsy already). And I busted her on the fact that I had been there a lot and she didn't know my name. She got all embarrassed and then I let her off the hook since I never told her my name anyway. I asked what her name was. She said Courtney. I said oh shit. And she laughed and asked me why I said that. I told her because I went out with a Courtney once and it ended badly. She then said she never went out with an Adrian, maybe she should(maybe I should have asked her out right then). I said don't go out with Adrians. We treat you like shit and stay with you for seven years. She said she had only gone out with a guy for five. I said well the last two years are shit anyway. Then I ran out of things to say and let her go do her thing.
I turned around to see this brown haired hippy looking girl just chugging down this giant beer by herself. I told her to take it easy and breathe for a second. Whats your hurry? She made excuses about the beer and then I said don't worry I'm drunker than you, I shouldn't talk. Anyway I don't believe you for a second. She starts talking a bunch of shit and I start to wonder why I am talking to this woman. I mean she ain't bad but she is about forty(about twenty years older than most girls I talk to but really I don't care as long as they are not my age, girls my age are really a fucking drag) and not really my type and I'm thinking I don't want to talk to this one because she's a little weird. Her weird stripper friend comes around like I'm trying shit so I tell her fuck I need a drink and take off.
I rejoin my friends for a bit and get a little bored(I think I meet and talk to women so much because talking to dudes for more than five minutes is fucking boring, I don't care how rock star my friends are) so I eventually end up talking to the hippy again. I confirm she is weird and think I guess if I'm such a player I should be indiscriminate and just go for it. She rambles on about needing a beer after work and then tells me about her weird job and mentions her husband(and here I'm supposed to leave but she's getting drunk with me at 1 in the morning so it must not make a difference to her). I wonder what I would do if I was attracted to her. It's not that she is old, she is just weird with a weird fake boob stripper friend(who my friends think is hot but I don't) and that girl has some toolish long haired Yanni boyfriend with nikes on. I notice to my right this local celebrity I've seen a few times doing stand up. I make my friends laugh really hard about something(I forgot what it was) and the dude takes notice like he is some recruiter(he is actually and he hosts a stand up show) but I am not that shameless so I tone it down. His girl is super fucking cute/hot. Like hard to look at(cute/hot is my favorite, because just being hot is usually hiding all kinds of fucked up personality traits, but cute is hard to fake).
Anyway, I start to think about that player thing. If I was really a player I was with basically the only single girl in this whole bar. And she was pretty open. I remember touching her a little at some point and I don't know why but then I remember thinking oh shit now I'm like trying to get this girl and get her in close. My hearts just not into it. She really isn't that bad. But I have no feeling. I start to think why not get laid. That's what every girl I like is probably doing tonight. Might as well do the same. But no. The moment I notice myself getting closer I start to chill out and stop doing it. I don't want her. And I'm just not that much of a slut. I'm just not that desperate.
So now I'm all chilled out but pretty drunk. And I kind of want to not be talking to this one. All my friends who I will admit are way better looking and younger are all talking to each other. I just want to talk to girls. I'm not in some famous band or popular for whatever like they are but I have the one thing they don't: I don't give a fuck and just want to have fun.
I look at the hippy girl and for some reason I notice for the first time tonight she has some mark on her lip. I kind of look at it some more and it's like big and dark. I'm too drunk to properly scrutinize but I know I don't want that thing near me. I drink some more and then kind of hand her off to some other dude who was hitting on her earlier(hey, maybe it was her husband, that'd be fucked up and funny). Whatever the case is I don't want the herp. I've somehow avoided it this long. I've never caught anything even though I was stupid, and fuck I'm not getting that near my pubic throne, my dick is a pristine king.
I lose my taste for women after that. Taylor and I take off for another bar on foot. It's uneventful after that. And I'm pretty sure I am not a player. I don't have the heart for it(or lack there of). I guess I'm just really flirty. That's weird.
Anyway, fuck this shit I am getting a girl into my new bachelor pad this weekend somehow. Someone I like. I guess that's playerish. Doesn't matter. It needs to happen. I don't want to think about past girls this weekend. It gets me nowhere. Really. Nowhere at all. I will meet someone new and they'll have this whole bucket of fun dumped on them(not the greatest analogy).
I'm going to speak in riddles for a second and just say that I have had that Lou Reed song Prefect Day going in my head for the last 24 hours. A very sentimental song that ends with the lyrics that are resonating to me most because I think it may be truer then I'd like:
There is a side effect of not giving a shit. I realized it when I wrote the last post. I wanted to go out with one girl and I had asked two times without a reply. We had talked before that just fine. And this girl was super cute and just my type and we hit it off immediately. But after texting her twice with no reply(and the first time we talked for a while so I thought we were cool) I assumed she was a flake. In the past I would be crushed or desperate to get her back or whatever. But no, not anymore. In fact I went the other direction. Here is the qoute from last post of something I cut out:
"I have a phobia about talking to people too much when I first get to know them. I don't want to seem needy or say something stupid(well we passed that sign post about two years ago). It's both a phobia and a rule. I had a girlfriend who was hit on constantly and she would complain all the time about it so I heard every pathetic move men make. And to this day many years later I see every girl like they are her judging them for a simple remark or one too many phone calls or seeing right through their every action. So now, I make three phone calls. Two if they never answered. One more and we hang out and if that doesn't happen I never talk to them again. It used to be because I didn't want to look stupid and now a days I don't care if I look stupid I just am not going to beg. So I won't waste time on someone who doesn't care like I used to. They know I want to hang out from the first call. So if I have to call two more times and they still won't hang out then fuck em. And to be honest, I have met so many more girls who do get back to me and hang out by not wasting my time. A few posts ago I met a beautiful girl through doing just that.
That first comic was my third call to "name withheld"(August 13th was the fourth time I called her and that was just to tell her the comic existed,four or five months had passed). I have met girls I have liked a lot and never called them more than twice. That beautiful girl from a few posts ago I texted back and forth with a few times but after two other times with no answer I plan on maybe erasing her number, see, I just think fuck her if she doesn't think I'm worth it, because I am, she's the one whose worth I don't know(and fuck it to prove a point I just erased her number after writing this, thats how much I don't give a shit). I even took the girl from my comics phone number out of my phone last summer. I didn't even know who it was when she called me once. I've lost my desperation and while it is liberating to not give a shit, sometimes I do give a shit and want to talk but there is no way I'll break my rules and feel like I am begging.
My sister says that I changed a lot and now I write people off way too easily. And I tell her it's so I never waste my time like I did with someone I felt very strongly about for a decade who stopped really treating me right. So I assumed I didn't deserve being treated right. And I ended up making a self fulfilling prophesy. I was unhappy for years. My sisters existence was the only thing keeping me going. Last year I realized I don't suck and I deserve certain things because I treat people well and I want to give people everything so why should I not ask for a little bit in return This also goes for all of you out there who treat people a certain way, never accept less from people, you treat them well, they should treat you well. If they don't treat you well then they shouldn't be in your life, not as a friend or anything. I am the much much happier person I am today from demanding that from anyone I meet and they always treat me well now and vice versa."
This particular girl I am almost sure has never read this site because I never mentioned it and she only knew my first name. But she is one of my social networking friends so it's not an impossibility. I think it's kind of funny that I know about three girls who may even think that this is about them. The difference is those girls(if you are reading this) are in my mind, friends. This girl I wanted. And this was a girl I met like two or three weeks ago.
And that is a big difference. I don't give a shit how much I text, call, or whatever with friends. Why should they care, I am not trying to pull anything. The only time I am a little hesitant to call or text a friend is when I first become friends with them.
Anyway in the spirit of friendship and yin and yang and balancing my anger at one girl for flaking I decided to email a girl I totally wrote off really quickly. I consider her a friend but I still was so scared to talk to her and say something stupid(I mean it's bound to be something stupid so why be scared). She can either accept me the way I am or not. So maybe that is hypocritical of me. After all that about not trying too hard and not caring I am going to try this anyway.
We'll see. I still have a knee jerk reaction to flakiness. It's not only me who has to try. I'm busy doing cool stuff and having fun and I don't have any obligation to a stranger who doesn't feel the need to ever contact me. Rarely do I meet a girl who has much to offer me, yet in the Bay Area you are expected to bow down to the opposite sex. I used to do this and my life sucked. I'm the one with skills, a life, fun, interesting things to do, and friends who are not douche bags and are actually genuine. I can only think of one or two girls I have been into who have ever had a life I was interested in. Sounds mean, I'm sure, but really look at the situation. It is the truth. On the drop of a hat I can go and and do anything I want with anyone I want. And I am one of the least boring mother fuckers out there. That is valuable. Doesn't make me better, it just means I am not worthless and boring.
I guess because of that I tend to not be very accepting of flakiness and putting up with girls games anymore. I am not playing a game so why should they try shit on me? Why should I accept that? I'll just go and find someone else. That's what I did in LA and San Diego and what I did when I got back. That was the outward change. And I am not going to take shit from anyone. I knew one or two girls in the last year who really tried to call me out on not taking their shit anymore and I basically let them know if they want to talk to me like that I will never ever speak to them again(I think I just said that precise sentence). Maybe that sounds like an empty threat, but if you have known me a while I really keep that promise. And so far only one person has ever made me shut them out(it was a guy and he earned my disdain even though he still is friendly towards me) and the girls I mentioned changed their tune quick. The cool girls are out there. I meet them more often now. That's why they are my friends. And it woke me up to how flaky and horrible most girls are in the Bay Area.
Should I listen to people who want me to have less? Who want me to accept defeat or think I deserve less? That would be stupid and crazy. You have to work for more to get more. And I want more than anyone I know. I want a girl who wants more.
"If you're a storyteller you might think you're without responsibility And you can lead your characters anywhere you want You have immunity
Have you considered the way People might react to all the things that your characters say? And are their actions hand in hand with what you want to portray? Are you sick? Are you crippled? Insane? Expressing the desires that daren't speak their name? Are you the one to be blamed?"
lyrics from the song "Storytelling" by Belle And Sebastian
Taylor wrote basically all of his dialogue. He wrote a sequel to the first Thought Balloon Man comic. It was basically everything he says in this chapter. I said I liked it but when I started writing August and the part after I realized it wouldn't work as the ending. Especially since I actually talk to "name withheld" and some form of us meeting would be in the last chapter( I say some form because I'm not sure if it is one time we had lunch or if it is a time in the near future or a time we spoke on the phone). So I decided that I knew me and Taylor had a long conversation about the the comic and the girl in it the day after I put the comic up but the details escaped me. I knew they closely mirrored what Taylor wrote so we looked it up and used the vast majority of it. I wrote my own lines and had him reply on the phone so what we changed was still in his words.
So in a sense this episode is written by Taylor. I only wrote about 5% of the words(all my lines) and plotted out what needed to happen.
Taylor is my closest friend and he is probably the only person who understands and supports me when I do things(comics, movies, girls). He is the only person who has read A Thousand Words and all my other stories. And he was the only person I could go to when I needed to get all this off my chest. We always thought it was funny that I was so into someone that he never even met. He basically would only recognize her by my comic(even funnier since he is friends with so many people she used to hang out with).
In other business the other night I got a call from a friend of mine whose friend I barely knew and I guess they were drunk and so the friend started telling me about how she was going through a break up when she met me and that me reading my comic out loud to her and her friends really made her weekend. That she never laughed so hard.
It was funny because it was that first episode where I called "name withheld" and before I read it out loud I was saying how not funny to read it was but I maintained that the way I said it out loud was funny, it was just the way you read it that made it so sad. Well I guess it is funny because we met once and she didn't forget me and now she was calling me and telling me how much she liked me and I was seeing the irony.
I didn't know what to say. She was so honest I had no where to go. I said I'd hang out with her and we'd get to know each other but right now I am honestly thinking about someone and am not ready for a relationship(I'm even starting to think I'm not feeling like dating either). I say all this because now I kind of understand what "name withheld" must have felt like when I just poured my emotions out on the internet. The irony is obvious and twists around itself.
Remember I said I wouldn't talk about someone until I had another episode of August. Well, heres another episode of August.
On the subject of "name withheld", the girl in my comic, I have spoken with her a few times about the comic and about "us"(not romantically, just friendship wise). Over time we have become something like friends. I say something like friends because we have a connection and I have feelings for her(friend feelings...I think) but I still barely know her. And I still have this weird sense of...I can go back and retype this and fix it later but honestly at the moment I am at a loss. I just don't know how I feel. It is strong. A strong feeling of something. But considering all the many possible circumstances(boyfriend's in her life, girls in my life, distance, who knows what else) I don't know what to do.
I go out. I meet all these girls. Sometimes it amounts to something, sometimes it doesn't and I am still left with how none of them make me feel like she does. How all that distance(long story) all those other people are just not us. I can go anywhere and there she is. There she isn't. I think about her. I shouldn't. I shouldn't even admit it. But I say how I feel so I think about her. And I understand how stupid it is since she doesn't think of me. I know we're friends and shit so it makes it worse that I would think about her. Why would I even think of her? Why not see what is in front of me instead of what is in my head? I feel stupid. I know she is special(by my standards). I know she is everything I said she was more than anyone. But she ain't here. I haven't seen her since I think February.
I think to her I am that guy who just comes up every once in a while when someone mentions comics or whatever. That she doesn't need to think about me. That I feel my feelings alone. And you know, maybe if thats all I am, a friend, an acquaintance, maybe thats for the best. I don't want to artificially be something I am not to her. I don't want her to be afraid of this blog or my comic or running into me or having to think about me. If it were any of those things I'd rather she forgot me. I wouldn't fault her for that. But to me, she is THE MUSE. She is the person I should always know. Should always have known. It's not ego. I am not the person that everyone needs in their life. Just a few. And a very real part of me thinks I'll never see her again(an even more possible circumstance for reasons I won't go into).
But I respect whatever keeps us apart. I respect her so I have to. I assume its a boyfriend(and shit I wouldn't let some dude near my girlfriend either if he said all this shit no matter how innocent, and by the way I actually just want to be her friend). But maybe its being busy. Maybe it's me. I am very honest and sincere(I mentioned this last post). It can be threatening and frightening. Most people get to know me a little better before I say anything like I have said to this poor girl. She has no context as to what kind of person I am. A stalker, a loud mouth with no social decorum. An idiot. I'm none of those things but yeah I didn't care what anyone thought about my embarrassing crush. I definitely never would embarrass her.
But this silence between us does make me sometimes think very little of myself. Not about everything else. I have my self worth. I have the love and respect of people that matter. I have a lot of friends. But when there are only three things you want and one of them isn't there, everything else almost doesn't matter. My comic, my movie are worth the pain and effort, but having no one I look to as my muse or my special someone(even as a friend) is one third of it all. It drives the other two. Having the joy of the two main goals in your life actually happening is great, but alone, without the right people to share it with it is empty. It is a hollow victory.
This may sound like whining, but I have every moment of my life when I am not telling anyone my thoughts. Every moment when I am having fun and out at places and normal. But here I don't put up a facade. Here I tell the truth. So yeah, this is what I think. I say these things against my better judgement since people come here to read these things who sometimes don't even know me. I love my audience and want to give them what they want. Even though saying these things is probably internet suicide. I know girls who like me read this and girls who don't like me read this so I know I should just shut up, but I am always going to be completely honest. That's why I humiliated myself with that whole recounting of that date I wanted to take "name withheld" on. It was me on that page. Not some filtered politeness. It was closer to the truth then if you met me in person.
I have a video coming out next week. It's just a bunch of shit with a bunch of friends that I filmed over the whole summer. Also after I move I am going to try to get August out more often. The next few episodes are one pagers or really short so for a while I may be a little quick until we get to the sex episode(no pun intended). And then some fast ones again until we get to the big episode shortly before the conclusion. That will star "name withheld", Courtni, and some naked girls and some stupid drunkeness.
Check out the little thing on the right. It is the whole entire Thought Balloon Man graphic novel(August too) so far. It has weird controls but once you get used to it is is the most enjoyable way to read the comic. Closest thing to reading it in real life I've seen. Click once to read it, and twice to see it better and you can adjust it to whatever size you feel most comfortable with.
I really wanted to draw the girl in my comic that was why you get that one Mona Lisa panel. I haven't drawn her in a while even though she is my favorite person to draw. I drew a sketch for shit and giggles. She shouldn't be so awesome. I shouldn't be such a passionate person.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. That old phrase takes many meanings this post but you'll have to figure it out(besides the obvious double entendre).
I had two posts ready to go. One about my sex name for my tongue(Kitty Lickster was a little too "on the nose", so I still haven't decided) and the other was the five page episode of August Part 14 which was about the power of storytelling on our lead characters(me and the girl). But I guess I wasn't feeling the effusive romance of August so instead I made a comic about a moment I had last saturday. I had a post where I mentioned this story and then decided it was better in comic form. I swear I wasn't nearly as depraved as I am in the comic. But when I drew the tongue and then the drool it made me laugh so much I said fuck ego, I'm just gonna leave it like that. And yeah that really happened. These are two of my Swedish friends and one Australian. I hang out with them all the time so this isn't as weird or out of nowhere as it may seem. I'm just not as lecherous otherwise no one would be letting me touch their boobs.
I do go through phases because of circumstances(that I won't go into) where I am not feeling the graphic novel. Sometimes I remember exactly how I felt and it is easy to talk about love and hope and how much I think a person is special. Then other times I have my heart hurt(not broken) all over again and I feel like a dumb ass. Well I was feeling the latter. It didn't hurt the art but it hurt the process of putting those words in my mouth. Whatever. It will be up sometime this week either way.
Other than that at least I still get to hang out with hot swedish girls all the time. That makes up for a lot of pain. Except the other day as they always do they brought along a new friend(they have an endless supply of Swedish friends). This player dude totally snaked the girl away from me after i had spent all this time making her laugh and charming her(well, trying to at least). On some level I admired his sneaky playerish ways. My problem is that I am very very genuine with girls. Not embarrassingly so but I am just myself and sometimes that comes off as just friendly and not romantic. Or I must be lying because no one else ever tells the truth or is sincere. Well, sincerity bites me in the ass constantly and I still fight to stay that way. It scares a lot of people. Even though it is innocent and I am not expecting anything back for it. Fuck it she was like 20 and even I consider that too young(well, sometimes).
Strangely enough I remembered my first real girlfriend's name(she was a cheerleader at Las Lomas) and found her on Facebook but chickened out and didn't friend her. Maybe someday. I haven't seen her since she was 15. Then I was looking at something one of my friends posted and the girlfriend I had after her commented(and she was a really bad girl) but I chickened out on adding her as a friend too. Plus before all this I texted the girlfriend I had after these two and we were laughing because my cat's tail was so short(her old cat, we went out for a long time if you're doing the math). And I got a call from another ex who was calling because she got a new number. Jeez. When I first started writing this paragraph I was just thinking of those first two. It must be ex girlfriend day. I'd like to think it was because they were all thinking about me, but two of them I just found coincidentally.
I guess it's easier thinking about what was then what will never be.
Oh well, more August next post. And I may be moving to Creekside in Walnut Creek. I find out tomorrow.
I found out the girl from the last post wasn't bullshitting me about writing Grey's Anatomy. It was funny because I think she thought I was going to ask her for all the spoilers and I wasn't because I avoid Grey's anatomy like the plague. I think I'm afraid my dick might crawl up into my body cavity or something if I start talking about Mcdreamy and Mcsteamy and Mcdonalds or the hamburgler or whatever Greys Anatomy is about.
I forgot if I mentioned how incredibly horny I was last month. Like just nuts. One friend told me it was because at the time it was a new moon. I don't know but I had a lot of work to do and couldn't go out and I needed sex like some kind of animal. I was in heat(still kind of am). It hadn't been even a month since the last time but I was just scratching at the walls. Porn didn't do shit. I know if I go another few weeks I'll be fucking stupid again. Sex for me is like the smart drugs were in Flowers For Algernon. Without it I revert back to some stupid Cro-Magnon intelligence and start to get all emo.
A girl texted me the other day saying she wanted me to make her cookies. Now for some inexplicable reason I assumed she knew I totally associate fresh cooked cookies with sex(I went through a period where those two were intertwined and I was doing both way too much). So naturally I immediately invited her over and was all ready for whatever. Rarely do I actually get the wrong signals from girls. If anything I usually am too retarded to understand when a girl is giving me signals at all. But this was one of those times when the girl just wanted cookies. But she knew how I was with her and I knew how she was with me so even if I was wrong there was still a good chance. Then she told me she had a cold and I said fuck it come over another time. Cookies without sex just ain't gonna do.
The thing about 'giners(vagine to the uninformed) is that when you see one for the first time you never know what you're going to get. It could be heaven or hell in those panties. I'm not a guy who goes straight to the sex, I like the whole process. I like escalating the whole thing before I even take out the Prestige(the mean son of a bitch in my pants). So I like a girl who is like at least trying to be the Megan Fox of vaginas down there. Just make it pretty. Pretend it's royalty. I'll do the best with my junk if you're good with yours.
And you're wondering how the fuck I know what Megan Fox's snizz looks like. Well, it's like looking at heaven. That has to be true. It just has to. From there you can only extrapolate that it looks like the most beautiful orchid with angel lips and unicorn clit between velvety clouds of god thighs. And do not fucking ask if it has hair. I am not going to be picking pubes out of my teeth(it happened once a long time ago).
Megan Fox's boyfriend is a few years older than me. Fact.
I had a more perverted post. Maybe next week I'll unveil what I decided to call my tongue. I think I'm losing my filter all together. I know a good part of me fears the fact that basically every girl I know reads this(I know about a dozen or more women who read this including the ones I write about all the time and only about three or four guys who read this, I'm not including the many people I don't know, but I love you all the same), but the other part of me says that as long as I am telling the truth I don't care what anyone thinks. So the next post is either about cunnilingus or it will be my August comic(with special guest star).
Remember in junior high when your hormones really don't make sense and you're not sure how to talk to the opposite sex and you go to the junior high dance and it's totally awkward and Danielle is dancing with him and it was really embarrassing because Heather told her how you felt and somehow your best friend Josh is totally scoring with the girl he just met who is now his girlfriend and that is all happening in two hours. Well, I had one of those junior high school dance kind of drama nights. That perfect mixture of elements that amount to something weird and itchy but funny feeling.
I went out with the girl I met down in San Diego on saturday night(she's from the bay area I just met her in San Diego). The one I was needlessly bitching about last post. I was going to make sure she totally understood EXACTLY how I felt.
We were meeting at some bar, from what I understood. In Fremont which is like a 40 minute drive away. It turned out to be this crazy country western club. She was there for her friend's birthday. I'm the only dude there with facial hair that wasn't a handlebar mustache. My hair would be considered long here. You either had a perfectly combed head of hair or it was shaved. My messy spiky head was way out of place, but I decided fuck it, I'm here for a girl I don't care about any of that shit.
I get there and she is wearing an extremely tight wife beater(I already said some words about her bountiful bosom which was insane this night), pigtails(!), and a cowboy hat. I mean she is fucking my eyes. So we have a good time for about an hour. Then I just come out and say it.
I said what are you doing after this. She said she was going out to with the girl whose birthday it was(who she also came with). Then she asked why I asked. I looked at her with a silly grin and said I was wondering if she would come back to my place. And then we had the "talk". We're just friends. Yep. thats the long and the short of it. She was really cool about it and she told me the reasons why(which were good reasons actually, and had nothing to do with me, but still, they amount to no me and her).
I told her with all those things going on in her life I really didn't want her to have to think about this. So we're cool. Of course about five minutes later I said I had to go put something in my car and I just went out there and sulked to myself for a few minutes. I just didn't want her to see my deflated look of sadness. I wasn't destroyed. I just lost all enthusiasm. I couldn't fake it. So I then regained my composure and walked back in. Totally feeling alone.
I went up to my san diego friend and asked if she wanted a drink. She said no so I went to the bar extra alone and ordered the stiffest drink I could. Then someone said "Adrian". I knew that I left my san diego girl behind me so I turned with that face on of no-way-did-someone-just-say-my-name. It was my friend Kara. She was friends with my friends in the sadly broken up band the Catholic Comb. She was shocked to see anyone she knew in the place. I told her how happy I was to see anyone I knew here also. We talked for a little bit about how awkward this whole thing was and I told her what just happened with the other girl. Then we parted company.
I hung out with my San Diego girl a little more. But that creeping feeling of sadness kept coming back. I looked over to the side and saw one of the birthday girl's friends. I basically just looked at her for a little bit. And I realized why the fuck am I not talking to her. The place was packed with hot girls, don't get me wrong, but this one had one thing all the others did not. THOSE EYES.
All you have to do is a random look at a few posts to know I am in love with a very particular look. And it's mainly in the eyes. I never see eyes like that. Except in one girlfriend I had and in the girl in my comic(they're different but similar). And this girl had those eyes. So I walked up to her and said I had a weird but totally innocent question. I even pointed to the San Diego girl and said "I came with her, so don't take this the wrong way, but I think you have the most beautiful eyes ever. I've only seen eyes like yours on two other girls in my life. So my question is what ethnicity are you?" She said she was spanish and english. I said how about french. And she said yes. Now you know why I must move to France(hot girls and great comic artists). She had brown hair and blue eyes(the blue eyes were throwing me off, the other two had greenish brown eyes). Anyway we talked for a little while and then I felt bad so I went back to my San Diego girl but some dudes were hitting on her so I went and talked with the girl with the eyes some more. She seemed pretty flattered from before and I guess I was incredibly forward with her but I am that way when I see what I want and I wanted her. She asked which girl was my girlfriend and I told her what just happened and she got really sweet and I started thinking why the fuck not get this girl's number and then of course she casually mentioned she had a boyfriend. Luckily I didn't ask for the number yet, but she must have known it was coming.
Fucking boyfriends. I am not kidding when I say I have a mental gag reflex when ever a girl says that. I find it fucking repulsive. Like you just showed me a picture of shit. Anyway I tried hard to hide my disgust and I was nice but I said I was going to get a drink and I did and then went back to my seat to sulk.
And that was when my friend Kara saw me and made me get on the dance floor and I suddenly had a great time again. She is one of those girls that I can make laugh consistently for an hour on any given day. And anytime I make a girl laugh I feel so much better.
Eventually my San Diego girl was leaving and she gave me a bunch of apologies about before and I realized how much fun I was having with Kara and what a stick in the mud I was towards my San Diego girl and I felt a little bad. I totally realized I was like two different people. A very happy guy, and a serious somber guy depending on who I was with.
I stayed there the rest of the night hanging out with Kara and ended up feeling fine. There really wasn't anything to feel so bad about.
Now for Sunday. Taylor called me and said he took BART to San Francisco. So I said okay I'll just meet you there. And went shopping and out to happy hour and then had sushi and then went bar hopping at ridiculously cheap bars. Eventually we we ended up at the Hemlock and Taylor met some really beautiful girls. But I wasn't sure how it was going so I kind of minded my own business. He introduced me and I immediately latched on to this Phoebe Cates in Fast Times At Ridgemont high looking girl(he said she looked like a black haired version of the red haired girl in Superbad that Seth liked which was strangely also true). Anyway we took off with them to another less crowded bar and danced to Michael Jackson(again with the dancing, for someone who hates dancing I sure fucking do it a lot) and then talked for like an hour. I was doing really well with my girl and then she broke the news that she was a writer on Greys Anatomy(?). She was so secretive. Probably because she must have heard me mention earlier something about being a writer. Maybe she was bullshitting me. But whatever.
A funny thing I noticed was she was so good looking that I actually didn't even know what to do with her. I was like am I supposed to make some move on her. I was even thinking, no there is no way she is into me. But then what the fuck is happening here(she was from LA and I do have some weird luck with LA girls that is inexplicable so maybe I shouldn't be so negative). The night ended in a hurry when I looked at the time and was sure we'd miss BART so we'd have to leave right then(fucking idiot Bart was running all night). So we left the girls.
Anyway Bart fucked us over so we ended up in downtown Oakland because it passed our stop. We went to Radio where a friend was bartending and got some more drinks. Then we walked like 20 blocks through downtown murder world Oakland to get to Taylor's place. Well we didn't get fucking murdered somehow and I got home. I look at my e-mail and there is like a bunch of awesome e-mails all of a sudden. Including one from the girl I just met in San Francisco( I gave her my card). I was dumbfounded. I really liked her but I just assumed we would never talk again. Glee, my friends, glee. There was another great e-mail in there but I swore off talking about the girl so that's all you get.
I guess that's a good weekend, huh? This same time last year I was doing a semester at junior college just to meet girls because I hadn't met any in like a year. My only rule was that I'd talk to every girl in every class and become friends with the hottest ones. And it was easy. I hadn't talked to anyone and was absolutely lonely just a week before school. I guess I never thought life was going to be so different in only a year.
"Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun. Shine on you crazy diamond. Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky. Shine on you crazy diamond."
-Pink Floyd
I wanted to put up a funny post but all I had was perverted ones or sad stories about my feelings so I put up this one instead. You got to spread these things out. I can't just jump into talking about Megan Fox's vagina(next post, maybe) or the first time my heart was broken. And then if I talk about sex and I have it today then all of a sudden its about a specific time so I get in trouble(not that I had sex today, but I am going to do my damnedest, I'm still a little hormonally horny from last month so no matter what I am hanging out with a girl today). That is a no no.
I spent an hour making spaghetti sauce the other day. I used sweet italian pork sausage(peeled and broken up), pre-made spaghetti sauce, fresh cut garlic and onions, green olives, green olive tapenade(a blend of olives, red peppers, spices, lemon juice, and other stuff), and a generous helping of red wine(burgundy). Then let it simmer for about 45 minutes(or at least until all the wine has cooked in and isn't visible and the consistency of the sauce is very thick). I take my spaghetti sauce very seriously. I learned how my mom made it just before she passed away. I always wondered why no restaurant I have ever been to has ever made a spaghetti with meat sauce as good as hers. Lazy I guess.
I was supposed to hang out with this girl I liked but she couldn't make it so I had the whole day with nothing to do(except work). So I cooked this feast for myself and then went out with Paul(the guy who plays my agent in childSTAR) and got really drunk. I basically have a rule that anytime a girl cancels plans with me at the last minute I get drunk and meet women that night. Its better than staying home and sulking. I'm not a alcoholic womanizer yet so I guess I'm not doing that bad(Don't count your chickens until they're hatched, Adrian).
I've had several girls tell me they want to take it slow because they have insecurities or they were very protective over themselves and their heart. And on one level I feel for them. But on the other, from my point of view, I hate the fact that they would tip toe with me yet jump in the pool(mixing metaphors, I know) with some other dude who would never respect them or make them as happy as me. It's insulting. For real. I get that and I don't like it and I don't want to play along.
My insecurity is that in the past I've been fucked over by this and left behind for some guy like I mentioned above. Those guys always get the girl immediately and have their way with them, while my respectful ass gets nothing. So when I get cancelled on, I assume like several times in my past, the girl is with someone else or doesn't give a shit about me. That is my insecurity. I may be wrong, I may be right. But either way I end up alone that night. So my fix is to go out and have a great time and since I am single I do that with some new girl. I'm not going to wait around for a girl. I picked her in the first place so if she doesn't respect that and thinks it means nothing then I will pick someone else.
I still like the girl. I still want to hang out with her. But I don't want to be hurt either. It's not only her feelings at stake here.
And just as a footnote, I am talking about the girl I speak to on the phone, not the one I e-mail(I had to add this just in case one girl was reading this, no one else will get it). We're still cool even though you never replied to the last e-mail. For now at least. Unless you were just fuckin' with me. Hmmm. ;) Technically I'm cool with all the girls I'm talking about here. I'm just over protective of myself and my feelings so I act accordingly, just in case.
Edit: I wrote the stuff before this on Wednesday and that night I went out and as I said got drunk and somehow met a girl who was just my type. It was so cool. I was totally crushing on her and went up to her and talked to her for a long ass time and then throughout the night we talked and she was so cute. Fuck. She had black and blue hair(it was kind of purple) and blue eyes. Man she was so cute. I said I liked the bear tattooed all over her chest with flowers all around her breasts and she was all its a wolf. I said I draw better wolves easily(and I meant it, I draw a whole bunch of wolves, but thats actually another story). She said I insulted her tattoo and I said no I didn't. And she looked all hurt and said yes you did. So I said, yeah, fuck your wolf and she started laughing. Girls are fucking weird.
One thing I realized was I went out, had some scotch(a gentleman's drink!) and got pretty drunk before I even talked to this girl. And usually I'm pretty shy so when I saw her hot ass I was surprised I ever got the courage(okay, I don't know what happened this summer but I got over my shyness I have to stop pretending I'm still shy). And when you make a pledge to go out and meet girls, rarely do you actually hit it off with one and even more rare is the girl just your type(my old semi-goth type, but my type nonetheless, still I think she was like 23-24). So that was kind of cool.
And then in retrospect I smelled of scotch(a gentleman's drink, yes, but it reeks because it is so strong) and I said so many stupid things. I was not smooth at all, yet the girl was so cool about all that and flirted with me anyway. This other younger better looking dude was hitting on her for a while and she still had more fun and talked with me more. :P
Edit number 2: Wow, that's gonna prove embarrassing. I talked to the same girl last night(thursday) and told her about this site. I really didn't think that would come back to bite me in the ass, but that, in addition to my non-editing myself decision can only lead to some really blush worthy conversation in the near future. Well, hi, thanks for joining us. Turned out the guy she was with knew me(an old best friend's good friend), he may be her guy(I hope not, but I am selfish so you can see where my point of view wouldn't support it, otherwise, seems like a good guy), and I am a total idiot sometimes. Apparently he recognized me from my movie but had never met me. That was kind of weird and awesome.
I went out again on thursday with my friend Paul and Taylor. We went from Van Kleef's to Radio in Oakland to meet Taylor's brother and Daniel(if you look at my pictures of my favorite person in my toolbar to the right he is the "hot" guy who is my best friend in my movie childSTAR). I "accidentally" ran into the girl I liked from last night. I say accidentally because I knew I'd see her even though it was a gut instinct thing(I seem to be pretty good, almost psychic, when it comes to gut instinct things, huh, I'm starting to think I have a gift). It was even a different bar than last nights.
Anyway she asked for my number after I had totally regretted not getting hers the previous night and we talked. I have to shut my fucking trap at this point so I don't get into more embarrassment of compliments or whatever. I was right, she's 23 by the way. I'm good at that.
I do have to stress I really want to hang out with my friend from before in the post and my other friend. This sounds like I'm onto the next girl. Truth is I don't know. I kind of think those other girls don't want me to like them anyway so if I was onto the next girl maybe that would be good. I know I'm just not waiting for anyone ever again and I don't stay home waiting for a phone call or a text or e-mail because that hurts. And this doesn't.
Today I'm supposed to hang out with the girl I was supposed to hang out with on Wednesday. So remember that when you read all this. I'm probably just an asshole.
All this crazy shit during the week and I don't have one plan for the whole labor day weekend. Whoopee.
I had a girlfriend who gave me a really appropriate nickname. Bittercup. I think she said something like I was really sweet and innocent but a little bitter at the same time. Like I had been around and hated it and somehow turned back into a kid who looked at the world for the first time again and loved it all when I could forget how much I used to hate it. I kind of liked that. Like buttercup but with a sharper edge.
I don't let things bother me anymore, but yeah I've been around. I remember she was the first girlfriend I had who was a lot younger than me(not the first girl I dated younger just the first girlfriend who was significantly younger). And I was over getting mad at girls when they were stupid. It always seemed useless. Didn't mean I approved of stupid behavior. I just wasn't going to be a twenty something year old average angry male anymore. And somewhere in there I did what frustrated her the most. I just seemed disappointed. She wanted me to yell. She wanted a fight. And I wasn't going to change her now or in the past. So I just didn't bother and just not say anything and just not talk and leave her. I can see how that must have been frustrating now.
I think half the time she would tell me she wanted to do fucked up shit just to piss me off and I'd just be like, "well if you do that then we're done. It's your life, I just won't be in it anymore." And then she wouldn't do it. And really at that point she had to do some crazy shit to turn me off. ie:porn was one of her ideas. I said "it would be fine if that happened before I was your boyfriend(I kind thought it was kinky) and I actually don't care but you can't be fucking someone else, bottom line, WHILE you're my girlfriend."
I was cleaning up my office and came upon this happy birthday card and it said Bittercup. I think I may have misread it and she thought it was funny so the name stuck. It made me laugh and I needed something to write on Wednesday so there you go. No one else ever knew about that nickname.
Weird story, I guess.
At least I'm not bitter anymore. But Buttercup doesn't sound right.
I had one of those confusing good weeks. Since that last sad post I was actually quite happy. I made the most of what I got.
This week I was cool for the most part, but last week, holy shit. I was going through some man hormones or something. I may have been happy, but I was miserably horny. Like horny as I've rarely been. And I had work to do so I couldn't go out and meet girls and whatever. It had been less than a month since I last been with anyone. But it felt like a year. I'm over it now, but wow. Even porn wasn't working. I'm aware I'm walking on land mines here since everybody mentioned reads this, so I'll step lightly. But come on, I'm Adrian. You know what's gonna happen. Too Much Information. You should have seen what I didn't post. Way dirtier. Maybe I'll post that next week or something.
I did hang out with one girl and it went well, but not that kind of well. So I was still sexually frustrated like crazy. In fact I think the hanging out with her made it worse(she was very open about sex so I got all kinds of stories that made me hornier when in fact anytime I go out with a girl I don't want to be horny until I get home and this night I was going home alone). And then to cap it off we went out this week and she was wearing pigtails(I'll paraphrase what I said in a comment earlier, "She was wearing pigtails so if she wanted to buy my soul right then she would have gotten it half off" or something to that effect). And then last night she tell me a story about her doctor and somehow I even turn that into some dirty fantasy. She says, "then she laid me down, put her hand on my face, opened my mouth softly and---". I'm getting all kind of hot lesbian images going through my head while trying really hard not to look down(cleavage to end all cleavage, my friend, in fact so good that the other girls in the bar were looking at it like they were pissed they never grew anything like that, and while I may not be a breast man, I appreciate rare gems when I see them, I'm talking about her beautiful blue eyes, pervs, no, seriously, tits to end the world here). Men are stupid and I apparently lead the charge. I had emotional blue balls I guess. 22 year old girls have an unnatural hold over me.
I got a nice e-mail from an old friend I used to talk about and it really brightened up my whole weekend. I think I spent most of Friday and all of Saturday smiling like a twit. I was just so on cloud nine. It's funny when you know only one person can make you feel that way. I'm talking friendship here, but still there are rare friendships that never happen. And that is because life sucks. But not in this case. In this case life is good.
My only gripe is she totally thought I called her or texted her and I would NEVER do that. Even though it was okay. I am way too shy and like I said last post I never want to be that guy you dread will contact you. If anything I call way too little. Any girl, really, until I'm good friends with them, then it doesn't matter. So I was like all weirded out that she thought I did....even though I really really wanted to contact her. I'm weird that way.
Plus my old friend Jasmeet came back so I got to call her. She's been crossing the world for the last few months.
These pictures are different stages from my last commission. The request was Tomb Raider and Power Girl. I probably was responsible for only half of the dirtiness. At least thats what I tell myself. This was done during that week.
I have the first 25 pages of childSTAR written and ready to go(of course I still have 95 pages to go, but another 20 is halfway written just not edited). Thing about me is I am fast. Why? Because when I got what I want I don't have to go and rewrite. All the time it takes isn't in front of the screen. It's when I am not writing and just formulating. The writing part is the fun and easy part.
Plus I'm trying to get a new August out by Sunday. And some other pages(dirty ones too) if I have time after doing commissions. All these things, why wouldn't I be happy?
I've been so busy working on a video game proposal for today I haven't had time to finish the comic. It will probably be up on Saturday now that I have more time. 12/18/09
If you like poetry, I'm going to the poetry night at Yellow Wood cafe in Alamo on thursday around 6:30. It's fun, there's really nice people, and we read interesting things out loud. I think tomorrow I'm gonna bring a scene I wrote for childSTAR that I've been working on with my friend Marissa(who I met previously but got to know at Poetry night). It's funny and painful and sad. It's explains how the movie feels better than anything I've filmed so far. In short, Brooks Laughton/me will be there. Only thing is you have to like Poetry and writing and stuff. You don't have to read anything if you don't want, you can just hang out. I've done that sometimes(last time I had poetry that I read. I had never written poetry or read any aloud before. This week I know I'm bringing at least one).
I was both in denial consciously and self consciously totally wracked with guilt and self doubt. I knew what I did was crazy. I knew it wouldn't mean anything to her or anyone else. But I guess I said I have to make a statement of my stupidity and my self awareness of that stupidity at the same time before I went somewhere where no one would ever find me or think of me again and go totally Leaving Las Vegas on some girl's ass(as in she takes care of me while I drink myself to death, really I am a cheery guy, I totally don't talk like this in person, but whatever, I'll be appearing at the laugh hut on Wednesdays and thursdays, hope to see you there).
