Apr 10, 2015

Chrystalis

Links

My art site is here:


My buddy Chad asked me to write again because he liked this site.  When I moved to LA two years ago, I knew no one.  I decided to go to school, acting school, and sure I became friends, with my first partner, then roommates with my second, but Chad and me, we seemed nothing alike.  And that's me being incredibly shallow.  Because he quickly made me realize one some weird level he was the only other guy who thought like me.  About art and will power and storytelling.  When I barely knew anyone he was my only friend who would cruise the long roads of LA at night and listen to music. And his whole family are just total sweethearts(his brother and me struggled to talk about the super massive, super confusing epic fantasy series, The Malayan Book Of The Fallen, but even we failed at explaining that..thing).   He is one of the best actors I've met and one of the funnest dudes around, and he's probably the most focused intelligent person I've met.  Since he reminded me to write again, getting me out of a slump for a second time(maybe more than that), here's his site: 



Last summer I needed a job and my buddy Glenda hooked me up.  Five days up at Lake Arrowhead doing sound for a horror movie.  I got paid, fed, and a bed.  And of course I had a great time hanging out and shooting and decorating and ducking blood spurts(I said it was a horror movie).  A met a bunch of new friends there.  Practically the whole cast and crew knew every Friday The Thirteenth movie off the top of their heads.  They really love that old style horror and it shows.  I always used to love the atmosphere of horror movies, especially eighties ones because I watched the late at night by myself on cable, hoping for scares(and nudity lets face it.  There wasn't even a fucking internet yet).  So actually being on a horror set, all dressed up like that was sort of fulfilling that experience.  Especially having to spend the night with scar mannequins everywhere, sometimes they were actually the main bad guy standing still between scenes scaring the shit out of us with that scary mask(he was a sweetheart in real life).  And yes there was a lot of cleavage.  

Anyway, here's a link to the website with a trailer:  http://www.allthroughthehousemovie.com

Game Of Thrones

I saw the first episode of the new season of Game Of Thrones a few minutes ago.  It's starting to get to some non book stuff which is different.  There were portions of the last season that were new(some white walker stuff) but most of it I knew well.  The Tyrion and Oberyn stuff was my favorite of all the books so I loved season four(which was half of book three).  I remember a lot of the stuff in the new episode from book four and some from book five, but there is definitely hints of some tangents from the books coming really soon.  I'm almost all right with the idea of the book and the tv shows to be different stories.  Whatever the case, I'm liking it so far.

Daredevil

Okay.  So Daredevil is fucking excellent.  It's what we comic readers see in our minds eye.  We don't see the dots of color as strictly dots of color, we translate them to more than just a few simple hues.  The static images move in our minds.  It's a different feeling from looking at a bunch of sequential photographs because your brain is doing more work translating the image to some strange form of reality in your own minds(not that photo comics don't work, they just usually do not).

Comic movies have long made the mistake of literally translating aspects of comics like garish colors or ridiculous costumes.  Batman Begins by Christopher Nolan helped start a new era of comic movies of a higher quality by doing the atmosphere literally, not the garish elements(that were really different based on artists, some like Brian Bolland drew nearly photorealistic Batman comics, so I don't want to demonize the comics as a whole).  We are not looking at these heroes and thinking smelly leotards and inseams and flop sweat.  We pretend thats not going on.  We pay attention to the scene, the action, the beauty of the art and the flow of all those boxes.  We never hear them talk yet we all have an idea what Batman sounds like regardless of any movie or tv show(I only saw the 1960s Batman as a kid, yet the one in the comic never sounded like Adam West in my head, or Michael Keaton, when that version came out).

Daredevil feels and looks like what we see in our minds.  Unlike the movie(and most comic adaptations), the cast gels together in a natural, slow way.  A status quo is set.  And thats important. It's the seeds of a tree.  The ones that become roots.  without this status quo, you have nothing to veer away from.  In the movie we get a friendship, a romance, and a villain.  And it all seems a little empty and fake.  Because it all needs to fit into 90 minutes.  The Daredevil tv show does not have this problem.  It's twelve hours.  All of it out at once on Netflix.  No need to quit because you don't want to wait another few months to find out what happens at the end of the season.  You can breeze on through and watch them all.

And with all that extra time, You'd expect fluff.  That soap opera, after the next commercial, watch the next episode bullshit that wastes your time on network tv.  Daredevil has next to no filler.  All those scenes build on each other and are useful to character development.  Not filling minutes or begging viewers to keep watching.  Its the all at once Netflix format.  It makes this show extra great.

The acting is great.  The Kingpin and his girl Vanessa's relationship is beautiful and scary.  Stick, Daredevil's mentor is fucking phenomenal.  Foggy and Karen are great, anchoring the show.  Matt is solid, somehow selling all this super hero stuff like it can really happen.  The fighting is realistic and brutal and great.  None of that Agents Of Shield patty cake bullshit for kids.  Hell, I think kids drink twice in this show without any moral lesson in sight.  It's a dark show.  But it is so filled with the joy of being a rich character in a rich world of stories. 


It is the definition of the term "earning it".  By the time Daredevil gets a real costume it feels like it is really earned.  But so does everything.  Just built and built, with so much more to tell, so why rush.  They don't. They do it right.  

Flesh And Blood(1985)

I saw this on cable when I was around eleven.  And it blew my fucking mind forever.  As in, it influenced my entertainment eating habits to their core.  I would have never read Game Of Thrones if a customer at the comic book store I worked at hadn't overheard me railing against fantasy books, and suggested that GOT might be my jam.  This was the mid nineties and the state of fantasy was a dumpster filled with old sea food.  So something different was needed.  I checked it out because I had exhausted my at the time obsession with science fiction(I had just read the best, too.  Hyperion, my favorite book, Use Of Weapons, the most confusing genius disturbing book, and Forever War, the best book about time dilation ever.  But what I wanted out of fantasy was not what was being advertised.  Mainly Tolkien derived, and at this point, beyond derivative and all the things people thought about fantasy.  What I wanted was gritty, realistic, and by that turn, sad, and not very magical.  Game Of Thrones was that.  But I was only looking for that because I had seen it in a movie once, and imagined it when I went to Europe.

And Flesh And Blood was the movie.  That's why I was obsessed with that sort of medieval realism.  Now it's old hat, but then it was the only one playing the game.

It is about a group of mercenaries traveling the countryside looking for anything, food, work, money, raping, pillaging, the whole horrible bit.  They are led by Rutger Hauer, from my favorite movie Blade Runner, the late great Brion James, also of Blade Runner and The Fifth Element, it even has the scarred nazi from Indiana Jones as a mercenary priest.  Also traveling through the country is a King looking to marry his son, the Prince, to a Princess, played by Jennifer Jason Leigh(who was in the original and amazing Hitcher with Rutger Hauer).  The Mercenaries, now betrayed by the kingdom run into the Princess, and some bad things happen and hard decision are made.  And yes, some Game Of Thrones kind of things happen.  Sex, sometimes not quite consensual, and either way, always kind of fucked up, many times sort of perverted and sexy is rampant in this movie.

I think this movie fucked my mind up.  I was just that age where sex was very appealing for the first time, and so was Jennifer Jason Leigh.  I mean one of the first scenes in the movie a maid seduces a knight to fuck him in the bushes to show the Princess what sex is.  Then they go up to a hill and find a   hanged man who has been dead for a while.  The maid tells the Princess that when a man is hanged, he releases his bowels and bladder and fruit.  That all seeps into the ground and makes mandrake root.  So they dig it up under the corpse and the maid tells the Princess that eating it will make you fall in true love with the next man she sees.  And of course that man is the Prince.  Romantic?  Sort of.  Then the mercenaries happen and love becomes very different.

The mercenaries then overtake a castle with the princess in tow.  It's all chaos and revelry.  And more sex.  They live it up.  Until the Prince arrives and lays siege to the castle to retrieve the Princess.  From there things get fucked up even more.

It was directed by Paul Verhoeven of Robocop, Total Recall, Starship Troopers, Basic Instinct, and Showgirls, all extreme movies in their own way.  Flesh And Blood is my favorite with Robocop coming up close, and Total Recall close behind that, but yeah I like the rest a little.  This whole movie has an overcast, muddy feel to it.  I mean that in a good way. You just know that time smelled like shit and no one ever cleaned or took showers(although there is of course a sexy bath scene in this).



Society(1989)

I saw this movie this year.  I sort of wish I saw it as a kid.  I would have loved it.  Of Course it would have messed my brain up.  But as an adult, I love it anyway.  It is totally fucked up.  We need to get that right out of the way because this is not for the faint of heart, although it does have rather silly pre-CGI effects(doesn't bother me a bit because I watched plenty of movies before computer effects were everything).

I'm just going to mention the opening credits up front.  First off, the creepiest opening song ever plays, as unidentified slimy body parts slide over each other like flaps of snakes.  It's so creepy that you wonder if the rest of the movie will ever live up to whatever the fuck you just saw.  And it takes a while, but it sure does live up to it's weird promise.

This follows a high school kid and his fucked up rich family.  This all feels really eighties.  Almost after school special like.  Except every scene has some disturbing undercurrent.  But the main kids family is just weird rich robots the way they act.  And his sort of sexy sister is just fucking oblivious and weird.  The kid meets what has to be the hottest strange ass girl ever.  She is like the epitome of whatever Rico Suave would be into(I know this is going to sound wrong, but his taste in latino women would be really good, so this is somehow a compliment).  Between weird sister showers with body parts in the wrong places, and more weirder sex with more body parts in wrong places, the kids sister's stalker(huh) plays him a tape of the sister's debutante ball, which is the most disturbing hilarious dialogue.

Eventually the movie(spoiler for parts of the third act) gets to that coming out party.  And whoo boy does some crazy shit go down.  All the rich important people in town(Beverly Hills) come down and have something of a smorgasbord/orgy.  They call it the Shunt.  And one crazy old dude yells "I love the smell of the hunt!  And the taste of the Shunt!"  They then do some crazy gross eating/sucking/melting/merging orgy on this poor guy who for some reason has a very particular annoying face that makes you think it's creature effects the whole movie before you realize they only put creature effects on him at the end.

This all culminates in the funniest, grossest effect of the movie.  And then it just ends quaintly like it was any other Sunday afternoon.  The credits roll and they play an opera version of the creepy song at the beginning.

I've seen other movies with Brian Yuzna, the director.  This is his best(although he did work on Re-Animator and From Beyond, another favorite weird movie with similar fleshy effects).  It makes the whole allegory of the rich eating the poor into a more twisted reality than you'd think.

I somehow found it and saw it on Youtube.  I don't know how this avoided me my whole life, because I'm the kind of guy who worshipped Evil Dead , Dead/Alive, the Phantasm movies, and From Beyond.  I've never heard anyone mention it or anything.  But it's sort of a landmark for weird gory eighties movies.

Here's the whole movie:






Working on these

So.......from this point on I'm going to be name dropping like crazy.  I know it's lame and blah blah blah, but these stories don't work without a little context.  Oh, and I'm gonna talk from my id, so it will be dirty.  I mean no offense, it's just the thoughts that actually go in my head, not fact, not even opinions sometimes, just a momentary passing erata of random thoughts.  Usually dirty ones

Work

I work in a trendy neighborhood.  I never quite knew what that meant.  Now I sort of know. There a great comedy club on the next block, an infamous "celebrity center" across the street, and the road next to the store goes up to the Hollywood sign.  I used to live on the west end of Hollywood boulevard   past all the crazy shit, but only by about three blocks.  This is a few blocks up from the busy part in the neighborhoods by the hills filled with rich people.  

I used to work way out in a nice quit suburb twenty miles east but because of my car situation I transferred to a closer store.  That happened to be the Hollywood one.  There are shitty parts of the job.  Then there is everything else.  Like the constant ocular onslaught of half naked pretty people.
I keep saying how much I like legs and  oh my god I am in heaven.  Sometimes I laugh to myself at how over the top it gets.  Of course I have moments that break my brain and make me stupid.  One woman thought her jogging shorts were not hiked up enough apparantly because I found myself looking up at a quarter buttcheek(and me with my weird fetish, I guess, for shorts that show a little butt cheeks, I'm not going back on that either, not ever) and that was the most graphic, wonderful, spiritual,  half chubb tastic, thiiiiiing, I just wanted to--and whoops I forgot how to work.  I just went stupid.  Like wondering what sequence of events has to take place to make a sandwich, because those asscheeks over there, and then wondering what a fucking sequence was.  Just dumb fucking head board stupid.  

And I thought that was transcendent for some reason.  I'd still try to work, but then those butt cheeks, just dangling there like Chinese store ducks from a window. Then I'd be back to the sandwich.  It's lettuce and spinach.  Spinish.  How do you spell spina--back to the butt cheeks.  This is what wrong with men.  I mean I still would have looked and liked it like pervert if the shorts were cut that way, regardless of how bad the cut of it would be, but no, it was that lazy, pulling up your wedgie, and just not giving a flying shit.  I mean she was hot and all, and they were great legs.  But come on, I couldn't fucking think. I was almost frustrated.  

Another time I was eating my lunch out front when this woman walked by me, again with the legs, and then she sort of bent over a little, and I'm like trying not to move my head to tilt it like a fucking cartoon character, so I never know.  I never know if that girl was wearing underwear or not.  Not because I'm a perv in this instance(wait how many instances are there), but because she is.  She was only wearing a man's flannel shirt and sandals.  That's it.  No bra.  No shorts.  Just a shirt.  Not even fully buttoned.  I mean that's almost beautiful in its laziness.

Another time I met one of the all time greats of comedy(The Ben Stiller Show, Mr. Show), and star of the spin off to Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, Bob Odenkirk. I actually saw him a bunch, but didn't talk to him.  Then one day I looked up and twenty feet away, was Odenkirk walking towards me.  And when that happens you look back because your like hey that's Bob Odenkirk, and then you look down all embarrassed, and promise you will be cool to yourself, but you gotta look because that's Bob Odenkirk.  And then he is ten feet closer still walking towards you, and still looking you straight in the eyes, determined.  It took me a second to realize when he spoke that he was ordering some food.  After he came back for it, he apologized for messing up something and so to break the tension I told him that The Clash Of The Titans with Mr. Show and Kids In The Hall was my favorite comedy concert. He put that show on and it wasn't on TV, so it was like an inside thing and he just brightened up and even told me some tidbits about future stuff that I won't say anything about because that was private.  But it was so cool to talk to a long time comedy idol about comedy.

Another time, my current favorite stand up act, Bill Burr was just standing there when I peaked up from behind the counter.  Do you know how disconcerting it is to be cleaning stuff on the floor and to come up three feet away from Bill Burr looking identical to everytime he has been on TV for the last few years, looking you straight in the eye. We didn't really talk, and I was just afraid of doing something weird and ending up in one of his acts.  


Another time I was walking to work and the only other guy on the sidewalk of this neighborhood was Giovanni Ribisi, an actor I love, just walkin on by.  I think that was my first day at this location.

Once it was late and I was alone and a beautiful woman came in.  I took a fancy and hit on her a little, she sort of hung around.  And then I realized, shit, This is some Nickelodeon or Disney girl from ten years ago isn't it.  She looked different because she was in her mid twenties, and I barely recognized her anyway because I hadn't watched those channels in more than twenty years.  And now she's like a fucking woman or something.  And she's got my ass hitting on her.  Anyway, she was sweet.

And that kind of stuff happens about once a work day.  Some times more than once.  Rocks stars, kids of older rock stars, movie stars, sports stars, models, directors, the mayor, all those people come in all the time.  I didn't even know this but some people just shop on an almost daily basis.  Lots of them famous.  It may only be a small ten percent that are famous.  But it's like if you went to high school with them.  You recognize them and then wonder how they've changed, and then wonder if you should acknowledge them at all.

Anyway, today(Tuesday), I saw two famous women I consider among the most beautiful in the world.  I know that sounds silly, but how many other fucking times do I run into super models and actresses I lust after the most?  So here I am telling of the day's events.  The tales that follows will enchant your lives beyond description.  So don't shit your pants in excitement, okay.  Because these two stories might just be totally mundane.

I was working and Teresa Palmer, my dream Australian, walked right by me.  And she looked like so fucking normal.  I don't mean that as an insult at all.  I mean that like, she was just a real girl, like a full human.  She was all human scale, with shoes and bags of groceries.  All of a sudden she was girlfriend sized.  And still hot as all hell thank you very much.

Later I was working the counter, and for some reason, like a break in the shit storm of customers that come in the early afternoon, no one was in the deli, and my co workers all went to lunch.  This is a busy place with a lot of workers, so it's a weird moment when it's quiet.  This woman walks towards my section, and even forty feet away, I almost have to say Holy Shit, because this woman is that striking. Then I thought, well, she's not gonna come over here to, and sweet holy shit she came right up.  And part of my visual cortex just did not fully absorb the light rays coming from her face.  Like my brain said, no she isn't really that pretty, no one can be, your seeing shit wrong.  I swear my eyes could not take it.

I should say right here, that somehow, I don't know how I did this, I had the least awkward conversation I've had with fine girls here.  I mean I've really tamped most awkward conversations way down.  And I guess the only thought I could have was how every man ever can't function around this woman, for real, not a joke, it's fucked up I know, but I'm talking every man is just fucking eye locked on her and stupid as fuck.  So I was like, I don't want to be the millionth trip on this poor girl, so I'll just be...I'll just be.  Not gonna hit on her.  Not gonna start any conversations about dumb shit.  Just hang out with the super model.  While I'm just doing my job.   No problem.  And weirdly, it wasn't.  I talked to her a little, told her my favorite salad, fed her, she bought the one I said I ate for lunch, and then I sent her on her way.  Off you go, lass.

But, when I looked at her.  Like directly at her like a dumbo looks at the sun.  I swear to god, when she looked directly at me, her face was scary perfect.  Like almost impossible.  But at least I understood that on some level.  No, it was when she turned her face a little.  It couldn't have been as simple as just cheekbones.  It was something else.  Like the planes of her face were beyond my artistic understanding.  Like her face worked on more dimensions than the human mind can comprehend.  This girl surpassed sexual obsession into becoming some sort of living artwork.  I'd seen this before.  At least subjectively.  Twice.  One I went out with for many years, and very likely formed my taste in women, and another I didn't.  It's something intangible that I need to draw it to capture it.  The soul of it.  And when I don't it just hurts.  But that's another story.



Who the fuck is this girl?  That's what I thought.  How the fuck do I know her?  I totally recognize her but I can't place the movie or tv show.  Could she be just another crazy hot girl who happens to look like someone famous?  But who?  And then it dawned on me that in reality there is no fucking way in hell there is anyone else walking around looking exactly like this.  And if there were they would be the only other person in the world.  Probably not even on the same continent.  And if they were they would explode like antimatter at the mere proximity of each other.  No, this girl is the only one that looks exactly like that. But what show, what movie, who the fuck is this?  Then I culled from the deep pockets of my memory a second long snippet of a girl turning, with sheets, maybe wings, yeah wings were involved.  Oh, wait a second.  This is the main girl from the Victoria Secrets Angels ads.  She was so striking she could engrain a seconds worth of footage into my brain.  I just googled and found her(it took a pico second to recognize her out of all of them).  It was Alessandra Ambrosia.

Anyway, she was cool and sweet and just wow.  All these stories without mentioning the french model that comes in and melts my brains and pushes my buttons by rolling her r's and just being holy shit. But that was another day.

It should be said that the girl I flirt with the most and sort of have a thing for is a normal beautiful golden haired girl who wears normal but classy clothes.  You like what you like.  I didn't fall in love with the super model, but aesthetically, yeah, she was something to behold, and yes, fellow men, of course I would.

You'd think, with everything I said, that I must be some horned out loon at work, but I found out second hand how I am.  There is a thing called a secret shopper.  It's like an undercover inspector who rates stores and employees.  I found out the next day when my boss told me, and other people were talking about it.  I got a hundred percent.  I totally thought it was a joke for about a whole day until I saw the report.   Guess I did good once.

No car, so I've been taking the train and walking to work.  I pass a few hundred hollywood stars.  I guess I walk the walk of fame to work.  Weird.  Then the Hollywood sign blares at me, on my walk up to the store.  Starting to get a little sentimental for it, seeing it almost everyday.  


I hope we never meet(in fact I dream of it)

There is one celebrity I like so much I almost hope she doesn't come in because I saw her once before she was famous and nearly fell in love at first sight.  When I saw her on a TV show once, for about, half a second literally, I fuckin taped it.  She wasn't on that episode(and everything without her was horrible) so I had to wait, then I saw her and I swear, if you've ever seen a dog watch tv, that's what she did to me, just sit down, attentive, and stare in bewilderment.  The one time I saw her, at San Diego Comicon, way back, she was dressed as Jessica Rabbit, with long red hair and a red dress and almost the purtiest eyes ever(tied at least).  I remember just looking at her like what in the fuck, how is everyone else going on with their lives.  I demand answers.  This woman is a fucking golden goddess and people are just shambling along with their petty little lives.  I don't give a shit if you never heard of Jessica Rabbit, look, look mother fucker, look!  Anyway, I did write about her many years ago and said I could paint her forever, which I only say about less than five people in the world.  

The worst almost run in was when I lived on Hollywood Blvd near a famous comic store.  I saw a month old store event.  It was her, posing for artist in cool costumes.  The most painful missed thing ever.  That would have been my literal dream come true.  Then she was around because Chris Hardwick was going out with her for a while.  We apparantly run in the same circles a little bit so I both dread and hope beyond hope I get to meet her one day. 

Life

So I was broken-hearted.  For like a year.  Yep.  I'm dumb.  And really, it's over nothing.  not a relationship.  Just someone who doesn't want to know me.  Plenty of people in the world probably don't.  But for some reason it just hurt worse.

It's just me being overly sensitive.  Not like normal sensitive either.  More like just being hurt regardless of any sort of bad feelings(but of course maybe there are and again I'm just stupid).  I think I gave up on being rejected at some point, but that largely entailed me becoming introverted and alone.  I guess I just had enough of anyones judgement and retreated from it(into acting? See, I'm stupid).  And maybe even the slightest bit of reaching out was the only little tendril of hope/help/neediness I could extend.  But rightfully, who the fuck would want that in their life?

Which only reminds me what I already know.  Is that I kind of fucking suck.  I'm really good at a lot of things I love, and shitty at anything that anyone would want from me.  And just doodling alone or writing my little stories to show no one is really worthless of me all around.  In that sense.  I totally get it.  Do the things that other people like.  But I can't give a fuck.  I love plenty of big fun things.  I can't give them up because they're the only thing that keeps me going.  But doing it doesn't get me anywhere but alone.

That's the thoughts that juggle in my mind.  A wind tunnel of that.  Mainly from the past.  Because being honest, almost everyone here has been pretty good to me and I haven't had a horrible experience with anyone.  But since I lost my faith or trust in everyone it took me forever to even hear compliments.  And even today I still barely hear compliments.  They became meaningless without action in the past and that stuck with me.  I only acknowledge action.  Not words(which explains why I like forward girls).

But with all that I basically stayed in, except for work.  I figured if I was so fucking sensitive to nothing, then maybe I shouldn't talk to girls at all.  I wasn't interested in anyone anyway.  Aside from sexually.  But not in any girlfriend way.  I think I thought most would get in my way of doing the things I love.  Throughout  the few years I've lived in LA I started with no friends, then have a bunch, but don't hang out anymore.  I lost wanting to share.  I lost caring about communication.  I couldn't figure out who the fuck I'd want to talk to and why.  And of course I am a cornucopia of dumb pain, so again who'd want to know that shit.

I didn't really have any emotional connection with anyone.  I mean lucky fine ass girls keep showing up at my apartment otherwise I wouldn't have met anyone in my personal life.  But it's not like that's something I can depend on.


Yeah there is more to the story of that girl I met on my couch.  Long story, meaningless now, but I at one point got drunk with her friend on Thanksgiving.  And those are not the only fine girls to show up.  When our lease ended, my roommates left, but I didn't want to go, so I got new roommates(my roomie found them, which was awesome, since it totally wasn't her responsibility, she saved me a huge headache).  My new roommates were hanging out with my neighbors.  They had a friend visiting from the middle of the country somewhere.  And they East Coast drink.  Since it was the friend's last day staying at our place  I said I'd Eat Coast drink with them.  When dumb ass that I am, I drank with them the night before, did too many shots, and woke up hung over.  I did the whole work day about to throw up.  I couldn't believe when I got home at 9 I was still hung over.  And they were waiting for me with more drinks.  So I agreed to take one shot, but then I said I had to turn in an art commission I did for someone over the internet, and I'd have to be fairly sober for that.  So they mixed me some strong ass concoction of whisky or bourban with maybe coca cola(the memory may have lost some things).  I promised to sip at it to get started, but I worked on sending my digital files to the employer(my friend, and technically I wasn't drawing anything, just converting photoshop files, - defensive much).  It took about forty five minutes.  Or maybe that was the drink.  All I know was that I downed the drink, took a very big bong rip, watched about ten minutes of some shit on Netflix, then remembered I was supposed to hang out.  So I collected myself(made sure my dick wasn't showing) and went down stairs.  By the end of the stairs I realized that maybe my motor functions were not all they could be.  So I slowed it down through the living room, got a proper gait going, walking almost like an upright hominid, made it to the chair outside, fell into it, sighed and took in the air while the five other people standing out there kept talking.  I tuned in and looked at who was standing in front of me.  My neighbors, my male roommate, his buddy, and some crazy hot person I never seen before in my life.  And I was instantly sold.  Then I caught myself.  I said, wait a second, you can't just totally fall for someone like that.  She's probably going out with one of these other dudes.  Chances are super high.  So I resolved to ignore her.  Which is of course is when she says, "I met your cat."  I couldn't figure out how this fox met my cat, since me and him are like peas in a pod, but only people who meet Oliver talk about him like that so I knew she met him, but since he was sleeping in my room at the moment I was still confused.  Anyway, she turned out to not really know any of them, I showed her the commission I just finished and some Thought Balloon Man pages(I hopefully caught myself before I got too eager), and she then went home to her apartment across from mine(?!, that was the thought in my head).  And then I realized how much I drank and smoked and went back to bed. I can't wait till she meets Monkey(my adorable ferret).

And just now(a Monday) I just saw her again.  Of course all of this is because she became friends with my female roommate because they are both dancers.  And the fact she is red haired has nothing to do with it.  Although she is cartoonishly what I'd like(I mean that in the way that it's too many little things I'd like stacked up, like a confection).  Shit, maybe I do have a red head thing.  There's a girl who comes into my work with red headed chin length hair and blue almond eyes.  And I can remember her like crazy.

And then at work, I was platonic with my friend, who was half my age(which is smoking age, so we're still good).  But when she got a new job everyone who worked with me constantly asked me everything about her, and after a while I realized, oh, to them, I was her workplace boyfriend.  We got along great, and if she was five years older, or I was five years younger I think I would have been crazy for her, but even though we got along and we understood each other so well, I was too old for her, and she had things in life yet to do.  But our connection was effortless and she was my style of wild.  Wanted to be a go go dancer.  In some way I have her to thank because I was extremely introverted when we met, and she was extremely extroverted, so she was in my face about stuff and forced me to come out of my shell, just by being fun.  A really great girl.

So things have not been all awful.  I don't have a car.  I need a new job.  But life isn't hopeless.  And I promised myself to get out more and maybe even date.

All I want is a good life.  I want to have wonderful people in it who constantly enlighten and entertain me, and I want to do that back.  When I changed my life it was about making it as good as possible.  Meeting the people I truly love.  I got to shake hands with Moebius and show my comic pages to J. H. Williams.  When I had nothing and knew no one I at least got to meet and talk to my favorite people.  And aside from my job which is usually just casual talk, I've got to meet great people(and I'm not talking famous people only, most are just great friends of mine, who are also very talented individuals).  I make mistakes and maybe try to reach out to people who are not like me and do not understand or like the kind of person I am.  And half the time I think maybe they are right.  I want to never make that mistake again, never be hurt again, but I need to have a life, I need comfort or care.  I can't live in neglect.  You only die in it.

And the saddest part is the only sweet whisper of happiness I have, is that The Girl Across The Way said I was hilarious today.  My feelings are so cheap considering how small and fragile they are.  Like I said, dumb.


Art

I did the painting up top for myself.  To be honest I may have had a little bit of a red head thing going on at the time.  I wanted to get that greasy sort of Frank Frazetta feel to the woman(every piece of art is sort of an experiment and a learning experience).  I ran into the woman who may or may not have inspired this.  I hadn't seen her in like a year.  I guess I got all growed up because  I was way more...something with her.

Film

I filmed a short with a buddy from class and Taylor.  It was improved for the most part(although I had a blast writing the funniest lines for my scene partner to say about my character, "his career like a corpse lying on the beach bloating in the sun.  A cadaverous heart, this former child star" all said in a broken german accent).  I wanted some footage of me with long hair to cut from since I look different in different scenes because they take place at different times.

I'm really trying to finish these scripts, but I've been struggling with motivation this last year.  It's four scripts.  Scenes, or short films, depending on how they are presented, from that movie I wanted to make.  I play the same character.  In one I am mugged and reference a bunch of my old movies.  Another is an emotional scene between my character and how tv show dad who is like a surrogate father to him.  And the one we filmed a part of(but not nearly enough)is about German documentarian who is doing a court ordered doc on my character.  And the last is a funny, not what you think, bunch of scenes of my character and his girlfriend getting caught by the paparazzi in a big scheme.

I hope to work on them soon.



Comics

I started drawing the next issue of my Science fiction comic.  So the two pages of the second thirty page issue.  I'm pretty proud of it.  I learned a lot the first go through and draw with more certainty and less effort to achieve stronger, even more detailed pictures.  The storytelling gets really fun in this one, and I get to introduce half of the supporting cast of crazies.

A little while ago I showed a large sampling of my comics to writers of a comic I did a while back.  We never met in person, so this was a first time meeting, and because of that I brought a sampling of all my comics(Talented, which I did with them, Thought Balloon Man, Super Humanity, Red Sands, and others).  I went through all my intentions I try to hide in every page, all the eye flows, panel sizes, shapes, relation to other shapes.  Their comic was the first where I started just doing totally different panel arrangements.  I went crazier in Thought Balloon Man, but Talented had a weird sort of psychological bent to it that worked well with claustrophobic moving panel shapes.  Finally getting a chance to talk about that was really fun and inspiring.

Learning To Fly

All I can do is keep trying.  I'll try to be good.  I'll try to care again.  I'll try not to get broken.  I'll try to let myself get broken.  I'll try to stick around.  I'll try to get better.  I'll try.

Ă…drian



Nov 2, 2014

Pagliacci

*I edited lots of this way later so I just put an asterisk before the stuff I added.  See, I just did that.  You're already reading an edit, sucker.  No going back.

*I should put a disclaimer or something that I try to write these things very thought like with as little censoring as possible.  So sometimes I'm crude and stupid, like we all are in the back of our minds from time to time.  With contradictions and evolving ideas half thought out.  And shitty sentences.  This ain't an English class.  I save the proper stuff for my screenplays and characters.  This is dumb dirty thoughts.  And sorry for all the edits.





I'm going to just ramble a bit and get some random stuff out, so just tune out if you don't like personal stuff because I'm just going to conversate through some shit here like I know what I'm doing.

Still having this year of huge ups and downs.  I think I'm dizzy with it all.  With every bad thing a good thing happened but it was always soured.  I'd be broke and then get one of my dream jobs.  I'd do things I thought I'd never do, let alone be paid to do.  Then more shittiness.  Up and down, again and again, and not in the sexual way.

*Lets see, since I wrote this about two weeks ago I had to pay the union on my job, which made my rent check way too close, then my car broke down, then I bought a new one by trading it in, then I lost my phone( it was broken anyway and I had to buy a new one on Monday), then I finally got my big check for storyboarding, after that shit week of doing all the previous stuff with no money.  See what I mean.

I will get to these great stories someday I hope, but lack of inspiration has killed my writing.  So I'll explain what I can, but the detailed versions will have to wait for some other day I guess.

Work

I have been working a bunch of completely different and unrelated jobs.   It's been painfully boring at times and crazy at others.  I did random jobs like driving people and working at a deli.  The driving people was interesting because how many random people I'd be stuck in a car with.  The deli job was interesting because it was one of the busiest in LA and I had to serve famous people every other day.

The trick is to pretend you have never seen them before in your life.  It works perfectly except the one time someone from the Office came in and I forgot the side characters names were the same as their real names, so when they guy gave me his order I looked at him weird for a second because it was his characters name.  Anyway, this pretending you have never seen them in your life came in handy the two times porn stars came in.  I remember I was talking to one and thinking, "oh, this is what she looks like when she isn't all sweaty and covered in goo"(For some reason I went PG there).

It's really disconcerting serving roast beef to a porno star.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe because I have to serve it I see it's just raw meat.  And for some reason I swear all the famous people eat roast beef.  Some of these celebrities are still alive today because of the roast beef I've served them.  Fucking sickos.  I mean I'll eat roast beef, okay, but you have to admit, its sort of fucking gross.  And serving it to porn stars just ruins something deep inside.  It's just one step too far.  It's one too many things for me to imagine going into their mouths.  It makes you think it must all be just meat to them.

I would eye fuck people when I got bored.  Didn't matter the age.  I'd just look to see something I find attractive and look as deeply into their eyes as possible and listen.  But about 50% of the time I swear there was this "is he? he is! oh." kind of look.  This is in all of like 3 seconds but it was like a little game I'd play at work to pass the time and alleviate the bullshit of serving customers.

*The best were girls in their forties.  That millisecond of naughty recognition.  And really this is all of a few seconds and then I just finish their order like its nothing.

Today for example my twelve year old crush came in.  Like from tv.  I was in love with her.  She was blond and her hair looked all soft and she'd wear those fucking fuzzy sweaters that look like heaven mist because underneath were boobies(I said I was twelve, right).  Anyway, she's beautiful still and she has a great personality.  And I seriously drop everything to help her when she's around.  It's funny.  And I don't think she's acted recently so I don't think she'd know I'd recognize her.  If I run into Jennifer Connelly I think that will  finish off the twelve year old crushes.  Also one of Jason Stackhouses ex girlfriends on True Blood use to come in and really, she was ridiculous pretty.  But I never talked to her casually.

*We served Chopped Liver at one point and it made me want to fucking puke.  I love 99% of the food there but that shit was torturous.  Every part of me hated every other part of me for volunteering to taste it.  I told my buddy later when I had to put it away, and grab it with a glove, and then recoiled in horror, I said, eww that feels like a hobos tit!

While that boring shit was happening I did art jobs on the side.  Some were pretty well paying.



Storyboards

I did my first official Storyboards for a commercial.  Whether it is ever filmed is another story ,but I'm done with my part.  Basically I'm given a rudimentary 1 paragraph script of each scene and then have to bust ass making up stuff to give the director a sense of how it would play out when filmed.  Then they would base the shots around those storyboards.  I had to draw so fast I rarely erased anything and never used a ruler.  I drew the interiors of stores and the exteriors with cities all without rulers.  It was that fast of a turn around.  And not something for indecisive artists.  And just to be an asshole I inked the storyboards with crow quill pen, pretty much the hardest pen to do fast inking with, since you have to dip it in ink and draw precisely in order to not make the ink run.  But it makes better straight lines the way it cuts into the paper.


Animation

A buddy I met in an acting group was directing a music video.  He asked me to do animation.  I admitted I never had done that.  He said give it your best shot.  I try to rise to every challenge so I took the gig and had a blast.  He even let me direct the camera men on some shots I'd like to use to animate later when I was on the set. The set involved a bar I liked in downtown Hollywood and a few dancers were friends of mine so it was a lot of fun.

Making the animation was interesting since I'm not a trained animator like so many I have known.  It was a combination of efficiency and trying to maintain a style.  It was conveyor belt like, but you somehow have to keep some poetry in it.  The art of it.  It was fun and challenging and I was thrilled to make it for a friend and be part of a production like that.

Comics

I never did find out anything about my comic.  I knew that happens.  I knew that it sometimes takes a really long time for anyone to even see it.  But still it sucked. I can say I've really had to up my art game in order to do these jobs.  They are quick and not precise like my comics, but the energy and creativity it took came from my comic, and now is expanded and can be put back in to make even better comics.

Kickstarter

But like I said it was ups and downs.  so no closure on that(story of my fucking life), but then I got involved for a kickstarter for a comic anthology I had contributed a Thought Balloon Man story to.  It actually got fully funded and then some.  I'm proud to be a part of it, and I am lucky and I hope people see it.  Heres a link to the kickstarter.  It's the one where I say I want to fuck everyone's faces with my comics.

So...

I've had a really hard time writing.  Somehow I'm getting this out like a courier getting a secret message past enemy lines. And yeah I've been down about all of these things with bills and loneliness.  Except I wasn't lonely.  I have a lot of people in my life.  No lack of people who care about me. Even attention. I just don't seem to care.

The victories, the progression, the moments, they were alone.  Just like the defeats.  I had my friends there, sure.  Sometimes even people who liked me a lot.  But no one to share it with.  I get my dream "back up" job doing storyboards, and it doesn't matter, just another day, eat some crap and sleep.  Whatever.  That's not a life.  Those things above would be so entertaining, but they are not alone.  They are empty.


And I guess I have to put this in perspective for people.  I once took a day trip with a girl I was seeing to Bodega Bay in northern California.  Drakes Bay is my favorite place,  but I had never been to Bodega Bay where they filmed Hitchcock's the Birds.  Plus its really pretty and I have an obsession with beautiful seasides.  An obsession that runs really deep.  I enjoyed it.  She enjoyed spending time with me. But it felt empty.  She didn't share that experience.  She was along for the ride.  And no judgement on her, she wasn't into that.  That's perfectly fine.  But not someone I'm connecting with.  That's when I knew it wasn't going anywhere for sure.

I need experiences.  I think I'm now old enough to finally see I am really just a person who needs more stimulation than other people.  Luckily drugs are not my thing or we can figure out how that would end up.  At best like Charlie Sheen.

But I still need more stimulation.  I'm not sure if I was born this way either.  I think I developed it.   Out of boredom.  So chicken or the egg. Whatever the case, it's who I am.  How I am.  And the things I love involve a lot of stimulation(well, art, storytelling, living life to the fullest, and sex).  But those stimulations were missing something.

I had connections.  But those were with girls very different from me.  I liked them and I was extremely attracted to them.  One because she understood something about me that was real and true and she saw it and after that there was always a closeness.  But she was too different.  And again, not in any bad way, just I'd have to be a different person for her.  A person I'd never be. There's of course more to that but it's between me and her.

And there was another.  Platonic.  Not in a bad way.  But I avoided her.  I was also super busy and had my mind on a million things.  I avoided her though because honestly she turned me on like crazy.  We met for some business, so I wasn't really thinking about the way she looks, but she looks good, okay.  After about five minutes I realized she was my kind of crazy and I decided to say what ever the fuck I felt, because thats how I speak to my close friends.  And she stared at me.  I sort of apologized, but in a way didn't, because thats the way I talk, I guess like this, but with dirty interludes.  So exactly like this.  It's different in person.  More broken and tangential.  I go on thirty minute long tangents and find ways to tie them to the beginning.  But I'm trying not to do that so back to the story--  She said that no one talks to her like that.  I think I did a sorry laugh and said whoops.  But she said, no, thats the way she talks.  So from there we were the best of friends.  But pervert friends.  Maybe because of how we talked.  But once, I was on her couch, and she was telling me a super dirty story.  That was nice.  I could handle that.  But then she saw a corner that had some stuff in it.  It needed to be cleaned.  But within that 2 by 2 foot square of floor, that woman bent over like she was doing a slow motion flip.  Like an aerobics expert(instructor didn't sound strong enough). Except in the shortest mini skirt I have ever seen in person.  I think this one figured out my weakness.  So this connection was really just physical.  And mostly on my part.  But I wasn't the only horny one.  I had a friendship connection but I was not emotionally into her past that(I love the gal, just not in that way). Regardless I could not stand up from that couch.  Some people have that effect on my pants.

*I still hang out with her, just rarely.  And the avoiding reason was the realization I was not ready for a woman like this, and we both knew it.  But we also knew I was really in the process of changing, and someday things would be very different.  And so I changed(I don't know, just I'm more me in some strange way, like that Nu- Hulk I once mentioned in a post, all himself but weird and strangely together).  And she mentioned it immediately.  So it's that sort of thing where depending on the weather shit might go down.

My work friend wants to set me up.  She's 18 and wanted to set me up with her friends.  I had teased her about my real age for weeks because she asked me if I was 25.  I eventually told her.  She tried to set me up with the bakery girl because the bakery girl looked like a frenchier Zoeyy Deschanel.  And you better believe I was on that shit at first sight, we had checked each other out a few times so I thought the game was on.  But as all women I know who don't act, she was so fucking taken.  I only know this because my friend went behind my back and said I thought the girl was cute.  After that my friend wanted to set me up with her friends and I said we need to make a ground rule, if they live with their parents I'm not dating them.  She said that eliminates all the girls she knows. I told her thats probably for the best.

*Well an important detail is already missing. The frenchier Zoeyy Deschanel was not just taken, she's engaged.  That's why I basically avoided her.  But, since my buddy blew that shit wide open, there is a very funny awkwardness between me and Fenchy over there.  Basically, what happened is that my buddy said her friend said Frenchy was cute.  Then my buddy came back and told me.  And I was like, wait who the hell else could you possibly be talking about? The only other dude here is in his fifties.  So I was all embarrassed.  From then on I haven't been to the bakery across the store from me, but her coworkers always come by and try to entice me to come over.  I'd think they don't know, except that Frenchy sometimes catches me taking a peek.  And sometimes I catch her. The other day we both did a double take at each other at the same time then started laughing.  But she's engaged so I stay away.  Even though I am intrigued by the lines on her.

And with all that I still felt like shit.  That wasn't what I needed.  Okay, what I needed, but not what I wanted.  I wanted more.  But the idea faded.  The one thing that could fuel me to do anything.  I've seen what inspiration can do when applied and nothing else works.  Not money, sex, and especially not comfort.

I had lost my sense of humor for most part after years of living in a shitty place.  Lost all hope, didn't smile, didn't trust anyone, and eventually didn't care.  I lost the people who loved me and understood me.

And then one day I turned my head and like opening an old wooden box, all the scents wafting out, sparking memories and emotions, it was like no time has passed since it was last opened.  Memories sweet, followed by the bitter aftertaste of the present.



The Box

I knew someone was coming in so I wasn't surprised, but the fact it was this person made me make this big goggle eyed wow face.  It was someone who really got me the first time we met, And that I was immediately into, but that was it.  She was gone faraway the very next week.  Another missed connection.  But the only one I really cared about since living down here.  I forgot my connection to her so I was amazed to see her round a corner more beautiful than ever(granted I saw her once before and she blew me away that time too).  And lets get this out of the way, I didn't know if she was taken but I suspected, and of course she was.  So it's that story again with me.  But still.

At one point I was sitting in one place away from her and I hadn't said a word because I didn't have the chance, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her.  She'd catch me and I'd smile, but it was no mercy I wanted her bad and would will my lust right the fuck into her form across the room.  But after getting caught and being all friendly about it by smiling it off a few times(seriously my eyes were eating her alive), I had to stop otherwise it would be staring.   Eventually I just got up, looked to the person sitting next to me who was oblivious to all of this and said, "fuck this, I can't stop looking at her, I need to change my seat or go crazy." and I actually sat out of eye sight of her because I just wasn't made to be friends with her, I want it all.

Eventually, I talked to her and we caught up.  I forgot how sexy her voice was.  I don't know what it was about it but it was smoky and smart and direct.  I forgot that, but she didn't forget anything.  She remembered and she cared.  That was all I wanted.  And then she was gone again, far away.

But the box was opened.  I wanted to be kick ass for her.  I wanted to make money and be successful for her.  I wanted to make movies and have great little trips and vacations and romantic shit I thought I'd never understand again.  I wanted to be touching her at all times.  I wanted to paint a fucking wall with every color to capture one moment of the sun glancing on her skin.  I wanted.  



And it was then it became clear I'm just a closed box of pain and love.  And I can't open it.  I can be honest and open about anything, but that release of emotions, I haven't had that really, with someone I love in more than a decade.  I haven't even loved anyone in a decade.  I don't remember it.  I don't believe anything anyone tells me because I'm used to every word being empty.  No amount of reassurance works on me.  I'm broken to people's love because I don't have that one person I want to open up to on a real deep level.

And all my guy friends are pretty happy hanging out with guys.  I do it all the time, but I'm never very thrilled about it.  And in a way that's really insensitive to my friends.  But I'm just somewhat unresponsive because I'm holding some little ember of love smoldering and that's all I have, nothing else left to give.

The solution is love.  It's stupid mother fucking love. And the worst part is you can't make that happen.  It just does or does not.  And it's a two person thing.  No one loves me.  But even if they did, I don't love anyone.  I can even say that with a laugh because it doesn't hurt me anymore.  I'm numb.  There are people who feel strongly about me but we don't have that kind of connection.  Aside from that girl walking in, I haven't been interested in anyone in a long time.  And that fire just went super nova and puffed out all in the course of a day.  Back in the box.

And it sits there rotting in that box.  Or at best mummifying.  And with that love, trust, and inspiration, goes my desire to communicate.  

*This needs some more explanation.  I basically stopped wanting to entertain people when I left Northern California.  People I knew.  I wanted to disappear from their life because I just wanted nothing to do with the place.  I didn't want to share one more moment with people that didn't give a shit about me.  It felt like that's all I ever did.  So I stopped being funny.  It disgusted me.  It felt like whoring.  Like sharing some intimate part of myself.  And sometimes it still feels that way.  And in some way I think I could have just faked it and faded into nothing and let people think I'm fine and end suddenly be badly, or I could be honest with myself and not share my life with the wrong people.  

*Acting, drawing my comic, and making all these friends have made me communicate with very different people, and it's helped me recover from that.  But I've learned my lesson about talking to people in the past, it always ends in deep hurt and disappointment and regret.  So that stuff, it goes in the box not to be looked at or thought about. Sometimes strong feelings, sometimes even art or things I draw, sometimes even people, they go in. All I know is I won't draw, write or think about certain things until I want to open that box.  If I am happy again.  

*And realistically, why would anyone want to deal with my shit and my problems.  I can't give you a good reason.  I get why my friends might.  But girls?  Nope.  I'm not even sure these are big problems or just my loneliness and lack of want for people who don't totally enthrall me(because the ones that do make me superhuman).

I'm Trying

I'm somehow still here.  And lately things have been a little bit Californication(the tv show, I need my own version of season 6) so my complaints are weird.  But they exist.  I'm writing.  At least, I wrote this.  But I'm venting so I needed to.  Being quiet is worse.  I don't want to end up like Robin Williams.

So I've been trying to just work.  I worked out some teaser material for something to sell starring me, film wise.  My big issue with all this lack of inspiration is I don't want to write and that makes it so I don't make my comics or my potential films.  I'm the thing hindering my success.  But, like I said I'm trying.  And besides that there are good things.  Or at least distracting.

Apartment

I'm living with three roommates.  One of them moved in recently and another is on my couch after moving out from an exes.  And the last I lived with here since January.  Three guys and one girl.  Our apartment is big so it works out and I have my own room and it is the biggest, so I'm happy.  We are all actors and we all met at our school.  Everybody is rehearsing all the time.  And then with musicians next door, its sort of one big party. all the noise next door and then I can go to my room which is nice and quiet.

Once I was walking through the living room and my female roommate was watching tv.  I went to the kitchen and for some food, walked back through the living room and heard her say something, but not to me.  I turned anyway and she was on tv.  Prime time tv on a cooking segment on a major network.  I was like "wait, you're...but" and she was just watching it to see how it turned out.  that kind of thing happens.  Then since Im starting to know so many people my friend gets cast in a short film and he says I know the lead.  Turns out to be this girl I drew more than a year ago when I did a shoot at this big rented out studio.  We acted in separate segments but hung out for the hours in-between our scenes.

*Ollie

*Ollie is pretty popular in this joint.  Like the apartment mascot.  My other pet, Monkey, stays in my room and act crazy in there when I let him out, but Oliver kind of rules the roost.  And since he talks to everyone they respect him.  He is like a gigantic super smart and aware cat. And me and him have sort of a father son relationship, except when we talk, it sounds like Han Solo and Chewbacca talking.  Arguments and opinions flying on why he can't eat my human food, with him countering with different questions and then getting pissed.  He has totally done that Lassie trick where he has asked for Water or Food when he is low in very complicated ways.  But yeah, my roommates are surprised that our conversations make a little sense.  They always end in a kiss and a hug.


The Couch

Even as I wrote the first half of this, my buddy on the couch brought a girl with him, and just left her here while I'm writing my blog and watching South Park on the couch.  And maybe I'm a slut and not just an eye fucking slut.  But of course I started telling her dirty jokes and making her laugh.  Something about dripping honey on my pajamas by accident, and then the next day thinking I jizzed myself.  And then going through my night trying to figure out what I did or if I had a special dream or something.  And then washing and nothing happening because it's dried honey.  And then I pointed to my crotch.  Yes I really said that upon first meeting her, and yes it went over well somehow.  She wasn't gonna forget my ass.  But she's my friend's girl so I was just flirting.  But I told him later, "Dude, you really gonna leave a girl I never met in a half shirt and tight everything on a couch with me?"  And that all happened in the middle of writing all this.

*Okay, an important note here.  I have rarely said anything that crazy to a girl(unless I knew them very well)especially the first time I meet them.  For example I have never talked in any manner like that with my room mate.  Some girls don't give a shit and give me a vibe and I talk very different.  Other don't and I talk like a normal human being like I do at work.

Now

Maybe I'm just girl crazy and looking now that I have a breath.  Maybe I'm just searching for that particular sort of inspiration that works for me.  Honestly a few of these stories took place months back.  The box opening was a few weeks ago.  And the couch was a few hours ago.  And all these girls were different races.  Only a few of them white(I'm imagining people thought I was talking about all white girls).  Some of them I have drawn.

I did work on a script with my friend.  It was just finishing off a pretty detailed comedy outline I was working on.  A Brooks Laughton thing.  He's a character I made up that I wrote a ton of material for.  It got the juices going a little.  But I still need to write a bit more before we start working on filming it.  It's a long teaser for investors to make a bigger movie with actual money.  All I have to do is write it.  I have all the equipment and support, I just need to finally do it.

So hopefully when I get some time and happiness I'll get to my graduation week and how much fun craziness that was.  A great week in my life.  Plus a buddy gave me free head shots because he's building up his business so I have a bunch of pictures.

Adrian

*P.s.: I saw one of my best friends down here on Greys Anatomy.  It was great because it was a moment in life where you see a friend and I guess because it was following the leads and they walking into a room and there he was, it had that feeling like if I turned a corner to see him like I have a hundred times before, except there he is on tv, looking exactly the same(because for some reason I just assume everyone will look different somehow) and acting like the character, but it's still him on some level, but still nothing like him.  It was just weird and awesome.

*P.p.s.: I bought a new car and it's pretty cool.  I'm lucky I brought my roommate because the owner was so in love with her he totally cut me a deal.  I was sitting there, like of yeah, she's pretty, sorry I have tunnel vision sometimes.  Anyway, the car is nice looking and fast.   Better than I thought I could get, but I had a nice car to trade in so it worked out.


P.ppps: I went to my friends Halloween party as Tony Stark.  I just bought an Iron Man glove and glowy chest Uni-beam thing to stick on my t-shirt.  I only knew the hosts, two beautiful twin actors, who I rarely draw because they look way too much like an ex of mine(who is also beautiful and aged at the same pace as me, as in she looks way young, even twenty years later).  I had to explain this to one of the sisters because she asked why I don't draw them much. I said it felt wrong.  

People kept passing me at that party, looking from my arm, with the glove, then to my glowing chest emblem, still in confusion, and then to my face and then they'd laugh and say "Oh, Tony 
Stark!"  It was fun.


Jul 4, 2014

Refugium





Man, I've just been having the best and worst time ever.  Looking for work, then acting, then being busy all the time, then helping out on sets, then all over again.  If anything the ironic part is that I'm way thinner and have to look at boobs all day in my misery.  

I did a week on a horror movie set.  That was fucking awesome.  I was paid, had room and board and free food.  And then I got to shoot a horror movie too.  I don't know if horror movies are bringing back the cleavage, but this one had an ample amount and I had to sit there all day doing sound for it.
The best part was when I actually flinched at a death scene. It's so not real when you are there because you see all the work and stuff put into it. I saw a fake throat glued on a girl with tubes of blood running behind.  Then the bad guy used gardening sheers for the job. All of these things were slow and not real looking(you'd only see about a second or two of some of these shots so that edits out the fake stuff).  But then they pumped the blood in and it squirted everywhere.  Up walls, toward the ceiling, everywhere.  and then a clot got stuck in one of the tubes so when the special effects artist pushed more out it squirted hard into the air.  And the whole time the actor was just making the worst gurgling noises ever.  So even I got grossed out.
One thing you find out on set is that there is a massive amount of downtime.  As long as you are not the crew.  I barely did anything because I only did sound and that was still a lot of work.  And the actors may only have an hour or two at a time but it's really physical and hard. Many times these poor actors were drenched in blood in forty degree weather.

At one point they cut the fingers of a fake hand in a scene with all this blood flying everywhere.  the girl was covered in mud and blood so she went inside to shower.  the director thought of a cool shot involving the fingers and tried to collect them but one was missing.  The actor was in the shower getting mud leaves and blood out of her hair when one of the fingers fell out.

This set was really comfortable because it was in a gigantic vacation home in Lake Arrowhead.   Actors and crew stayed nights.  There was like 8 other room that had people, so it was spacious.  And the only times I shared rooms were with other actors or special effects people.  It's funny because South California is the only place where you can have long conversations with people and hang out for a few days before even knowing that some are famous already.  
I've never been on a huge set.  In fact this is the biggest single set I've worked on.  I have been in huge studios with dozens of sets(last year).  Usually everyone is strictly relegated to their work mates.  As in crew stick with crew and actors stick with actors.  Sometimes thats a natural separation, sometimes it is imposed by management.  This was not that.  I'm the kind of guy who made do the sound guy job, but I'm not going to be known for that.  I like crew people, they are generally pretty relaxed but hard workers.  But the separation like I'm not an actor or the many other things I do is not something I'm gonna go with.  And on this set there wasn't any of that bullshit.  Just a nice cozy atmosphere of camping with friends and family(three people on set were family which made for a more comfortable atmosphere of teamwork).  

Anyway, there was a lot of crazy set dressing and hot women and boobs and blood.  It was a nice sort of information overload.  But then I had to do an acting thing that involved me staring and perving out about my partners breasts(I have two orgasms over them in the scene, so it was like that).  At first I did it, but felt a little naughty because its hard to shake the person you are versus the person you are acting as, sometimes.  I felt guilty sometimes, because of the amount I had to look at boobs.  Of course I got over that in like 4 seconds everytime I acted, but still.  Then the other day I'm in line and I catch myself transfixed by this women's boobs and I'm like oh shit, now I can't stop.  I'm still a butt and leg man all the way, but there has been some forced boob therapy going on here and I'm starting to fall for it.  

And still my favorite part is the preparations.  I mean it's fun being able to just look at random hot actors boobs, but I like how every time I work with actresses that ask me what they should wear and then proceed to show me the most dirty hot clothes ever and change into them and then I get to decide which is best.  Thats my favorite part, because thats just two people playing dress up off camera.
And somehow this has become normal in my life.  Lots of craziness(and this is cutting half of the stories out because they are too personal and about people who may someday be known or are already).  And best of all, and even more ironic, all of these scenarios were set about by women.  I didn't pick the part, the gig, the scene, or my partners.  It was always teachers and buddies, all female(except the last one scene I did because I knew me and the girl's chemistry would really work together, so I picked her, and it exceeded my expectations.  I didn't draw her for a while because she looked a lot like a beautiful ex of mine, side story.) The whole thing is always a bonding experiance.

So the other day, I was just super down about stuff and an ex acting partner of mine told me her husband needed an actor.  So we filmed at my apartment without dialogue, so it was all about being silent and funny, which is a nice challenge.  And filming at my house is basically the most comfortable thing ever.  Plenty of Adrian costumes upstairs.  My cat, my ferret, my artwork.  It's just comfortable. And the moment we started filming all my worries melted away.  Because acting is so much fun.  Plus the director thought I was 27 which gave me a good old laugh.
My comic is still in the approval process.  If it's rejected I don't know.  It all takes many months.  

The photos are from Lake Arrowhead.  The drawings are of a friend.  I drew on the backside of the drawing because I love the way the markers bleed through, and it was a second try at trying to accurately portray her beautiful skin.  The dancing woman was a sketch I found in faint pencil and just slathered some ink onto.

We'll see where all this crazy shit takes me, I guess.  So until next time.  It's Fourth of July and my neighbor is having a pool party in our apartment complex(he's a musician, and he kicks ass.  I found a blunt of his on the stairs and left him a note so we're buddies now, I guess.). I might meet up with my friends from school for the fireworks, at least that was the plan, but until then I'm going to this sudden pool party.  

Adrian

P.S.: I stole the name of this post from a place in the Steven Erikson book "Reapers Gale".  That week in Lake Arrowhead was a refuge, so Refugium fit.  Plus I love the words Erikson makes in his most epically frustrating ten book series ever(finishing book 7 this week).  

P.P.S.: Billy Bob Thornton is the speaker at my graduation.  Last year it was Tom Cruise, and previous years were Hanks, Berry, Penn, Hoffman, and other masters of acting.  I took many years to be convinced on Thornton.  But eventually he became a patron saint becaus of his massive will to do the job.  He has a mystique about him that makes an Angelina Jolie love him.  He made himself.  And everyone saw it.  And that is something I want.  I'm old, ugly, and not one to be expected to get great things, but only giving up makes that true.  Thornton had all these problems and overcame them. I'm looking forward to meeting him or at least hearing him speak.




Apr 7, 2014

Quill





I've been doing commissions and character designs and fixing up storyboards for jobs while looking for more work.  That's to tide me over while work on developing my carreers(comics, movies).  Luckily I live in the right place(near a lot of the studios) and all that practice drawing hundreds of comic pages makes drawing storyboards and character design fairly easy for me.

But of course my main goal is to get my comic published and I have sent my pitch out.  Haven't gotten a rejection letter yet so we'll see what happens.  I'm been happy with it and don't really want to change anything except maybe redraw a page or two(but that would only take me a day or two).  I really feel I solidified something about my art with all the fixing and redrawing I did to make this comic.  I know "what is there" more when I draw things.

Writing

Luckily I got one of my scripts read and we're working on making a pilot or single episode.  It would be low budget but the people working on it are great and liked my pitch.  Since they had no idea who I wrote for the parts it was nice when I was having a sit down and they liked my explanation enough to figure out I was clearly one of the characters.  Because I guess that means the parts still mine.  I guess that wasn't changing but I had no idea.  So I'm doing rewrites and refining that.  It's a weird Adrianish(my friends will know what that means) sitcom with a goofy but dark way to it.  It has jokes I wrote that worked and people laughed at, but I knew they were inside jokes totally at my own expense(there is a little subplot about a girl my character made paintings of, for example, and that is just filled with jokes about the real me, but no one knew that).

I do have to finish the second script to my comic.  If it's rejected I just have to get it published somewhere else.  So no matter what I'll have to get those scripts done.  It's just so complicated and filled with stuff I have to put into every page that it is daunting to write.  But I have every scene plotted out for the whole first series.

Plugging

One of the best friends I have made down here is appearing on several shows soon.  He is one of the most driven people I ever met, and in my whole life one of the few who got me.  Plus ladies like looking at him.  Anyway, he is appearing on the Fox show Surviving Jack this week and next.  So watch it, because more ratings never hurt.  I think its a small part, but we've known each other since we both moved here and I've seen the guy do everything and I can tell you it's just the first of many roles.  Anyway, look for Chad, he's the jock guy(I think, I hope I didn't screw that up).  My whole idea for us working together is to show people exactly what this guy is capable of.  He's one of the few people I've met who I'm sometimes jealous of their acting prowess.  Where I do better the more scared or uncomfortable I get(somehow that works for me, maybe it's just that I like overcoming that),  he has a commitment I have rarely seen in any actor.  Also one of the most directable actors I have encountered.  This is just the start and I encourage everybody to pay attention, because one day it will be impossible not to.

Drawing

And for people who know a lot of comic artists, I sort of sketch things out really roughly with a gesture that I constantly redraw and refine, in that really scribble way that John Buscema called the "wandering line", which ironically is very different than the way most comic artists are taught, by Buscemas own book, How To Draw Comics The Marvel Way, the style where you draw a sort of mannequin armature and then build on that with cloths and stuff.  Burn Hogarths books do all this, and yes I own all these because they are still great for these qualities but I feel an artist should learn the wandering line method first because in the end it's what you see, the design, not the architecture, the under structure, that makes a good drawing.  

Having said all that it doesn't mean I do any of these things right myself.  I had to relearn gesture, and drawing what I see because of that training and I've seen others stuck in it, the looseness of gesture not present.  

So I draw with this wandering line which is really nothing more than a scribble of forms and gestures like a lump of clay that you play around with until it forms what you want.  When that molds into the shape I want(in these ones it's mainly people, or humanoid things)with the general feel and shape of the clothes and whatever they are holding, I scribble in all the major forms and muscles and then then shapes and forms in the clothing, like buttons, or armor, or different kinds of armor to make it exotic and not true to Earth.  That scribble only sort of hints at what the final thing will look like, but it has a bunch of shapes to turn into things like belts, pockets, vests, jewelry, masks, and whatever other shape looks cool and appropriate.

After I do that I go over the outline, something I saw in my various concept art books and when I saw J. H. Williams draw once, and it's a really great step.  It makes it more what you would see without all the logic of what's under the clothes(although the scribble gave a good idea of what is there).  Then I adjust it all to what is under the clothes.  

Then I go over it all to make it tighter and bring out details.  After that I start inking it(in comics, with a crowquil pen and brush, in sketches, storyboards and character design I uses pens, markers, and brushes for speeds sake).  I do all the thing lines first.  With crowquil pens I can vary the width a lot.  But with pens they stay very even, and I only use a few sizes, because I can adjust it later with a brush to flesh it all out.  

Then I scan it, or take a picture, and upload it.  For work I have to scan everything for absolute clarity, but I have a huge Mustek scanner.  Of course I draw huge, because I'm a dick, so while that could scan most comic pages, it still takes at least two scans for my normal comic pages.

And usually I do this while watching some tv.  When I write I listen to my iPod. 


Acting

I've been playing Eddie in Hurleyburley for my class at school.  He's basically a drunk guy who is constantly on coke and his life is falling apart.  My partner is my friend who I sent on a car ride to screw another of my friends.  But he went crazy and threw her out of her own car.  And now she's pissed, but I'm totally fucked up and selfish and unfazed by all this.  The whole scene we're both pretending to do drugs and acting crazy.  I did it today and was surprised at how not nervous I was.  I was still nervous, but after doing this at least every other class for a year and a half, I at least know how to deal with it.  And I remember how much more nervous I was.  So much more nervous.  It's that progress that really makes me feel good.  

But we only have a few more months of school and I know I'm going to bawl my eyes out at the thought of all of us not being in the same room together acting or just hanging out again after graduation.  I've made life long friends there.  Some of the best.  Regardless, it will always be the greatest when I see them on screen.

Adrian For Hire

So while I'm still looking for jobs while I work on trying to get this comic published, I am taking commissions and doing various gigs(Storyboards, Character design, writing, acting, directing, I'm editing this week, for example).  My art pay scale is $50 for a inked drawing with a few characters and and environment(9X14), $75 for a detailed drawing with environment(11X17), $150 for a painting(acrylic, acrylic ink, colored pencil, guasche, or watercolor), $300 for oil paintings.  The paintings take a little while, and the oil paintings take a longer while(oil paint takes a while to dry in general).

My art site will be update with samples(and I need to update the art page here too, I'll get to it).  The address is: www.adrianriveroart.blogspot.com

Me Out

I have more to say and that book review of the Steve Ericksons confounding but incomparably epic Malazan books.  Reviewing them is almost as hard as reading them.  Because explaining why I read them is for some reason really difficult.  There is a lot of stuff I did not like, but I still ended up somehow loving it as it went along and got more confusing yet made more sense.  And if ever there was an author who refuses to give you what you expect it is Erickson. And that's the double edged sword I can't seem to make a review into.

Anyway, I just need to get more art out there like a breath of air.  It's the art side of me performing.  Instead of the performing side of me trying to make art.  But they are a mix and something I can't seem to live without.  Which is fine with me.  


Adrian