Dec 31, 2016


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Almost Muse 1.5, unfinished, when the time is right I'll finish it.

(I am still editing this.  Right now I am going to a bar on New Years eve by myself.  and the story behind that isn't even simple.  So what follows is my unedited rough draft as I work on it.  There is stuff I will delete and stuff I will expand upon.  All I got are eye blinks of time to let it all out like puke.  Gross, right?  This is all craziness so I have too adjust it but not will take a while.  This was what I could get out by New Years.  THIS WILL DEFINITELY CHANGE.  PLUS I'M ALREADYT TIPSY...)

Oh what a fucking month.  What a fucking year, really.  But that's LA.  Best and worst place.  A crucible.  And you either survive or leave.  But surviving is hard for everyone.  Trying to add artistic stuff into it just makes it harder.  But this is the place to do it.

So I got things to say.  Bad things, good things(maybe), just plain gray area things.

I guess theres a twist.  Just a twist in terms of recent life. I guess with everyone this long shit year. But at the same time I might have convinced my friends that I am truly crazy.  I find it funny but their like, dude, you're crazy, and I'm like yeah, you're right, but I do find it hilarious.  I know I sort of predicted the future on weird shit so I'm like, yeah, this is fucked up, but I said it way ahead of time, prophesy amount of time, so I don't know what else to say but it's funny that I'm only right in the worst ways.  Bad ways.  Ways I never want to be right.  But there you go.  I got some weird intuition.  If I could predict the future with anyone else as well as I can with my buddy, I'd be a literal psychic, but as it is I just know some people and the situations that happen based on clues I'd never be able to articulate.  So, for lack of a better word, I call it intuition.

What I'm doing here is sneaking out what little thoughts I'll let out, in the tiny moments I let them. But those windows of time are like 12 hours, maybe twice a month I'm like just let it all out.  But then situations change and people change and whatever you thought before is tempered by new information and new angles at old relationships.  That sentence was a lot of baggage in and of itself. And like I said I have only a window of time before my whole personality switches and I'm like fuck everyone else, I'm not talking about that shit.

That's why I haven't posted.  Life is complicated.  People are. I guess I am.  I feel simple in so many ways but then I know my mind seems to be going to places that people I meet are not.  Based on things I loved as a kid, moments in adult life, feelings, emotions.  So I'm a hypocrite as well as truthful.  An idiot, as well a someone trying to work complex systems of people and events to my own benefit.

Ugh.  Heres the story.  At least until I add shit next time I am not bashful(i.e.: I'm still editing and adding..and subtracting the stuff that is just too much, so catch it while you can).

The Dust Of Dreams

After the last post my relationship with that girl deteriorated.  I saw it coming a mile away, but still, that sucks. That story goes crazy places somehow.  That twist I mentioned. It was a bad argument and it was the kind that kills friendships but it was inevitable, especially once it went from weird friends to being treated like an ex boyfriend even though I never showed jealousy(because I wasn't).

 You know shit is crazy when(in the last minute and a half, at 2:45) four or five very attractive 18 year olds are talking about going for a hike right now, and I'm like, fuck that I want to sleep, fuck these girls, I'm going to my room to write pithy diatribes about my life(and I just finished working for eight hours at a bar).  This all sounds like I'm some sort of rich, suave motherfucker who's got his shit all together, or (rightfully so), one who doesn't.  At the same time I did allow my life to have space for fucking around with actresses and models(sounds like a fucking joke but this is LA. and it's really like that) and some weird paths intersected here, with weird motifs and tensions.  All the obvious stuff was thrown out for just fucked up twists everywhere.  When I explained the whole story to a good female friend of mine, she was like, well you asked for an interesting life, you got what you wanted.  And I said as I said of all this from the beginning, be careful what you wish for.  I got my wish but not in any way I wanted it. With all that came so much fucking grief.  So much adjusting and at times, nah, not adjusting because that ain't my thing.  Or maybe it's only the outside that adjusts.  And that fools everyone, but my center stays the same.

Glitter Dome

These are the shows I'm on: Mistresses(I'm a Grifter, lol, the crew were really nice to us extras and seemed to try to give us all good shots, I'm ordering drinks for a bunch of dangerous people, still laughing), Better Things(I really like that show, I think I'm in a montage during a concert scene behind the main actors, I don't see how the camera would have missed my face, but who knows I haven't seen it), Love(so ironic it hurts, I'm a crew member in the last episode of season 2, I think. My buddy is also on one of these last episodes, but not the same scenes), The Ranch(with the cast of That Seventies Show and a 2000's crush who I didn't meet because I had nothing to say, while I we were both alone at the coffee/food area), Girly Boss(?, I don't think you can see me anyway, I think I'm a blurry shoulder), Vengeance(I think this is a super hero one where I was in a smocks and mask so I don't think I could point myself out because there was like a hundred other people dressed the same), East Los High(I was in a wedding scene, working for like four days), Roadies( I think I'm a dot in the crowd.  My friend was more prominently on this show, I actually really want to watch that episode), Toast(I was so hung over and sleepy during this .  Thats the truth.  I pretended to talk to this girl for like four hours.  It would have been fun if I wasn't fucked up).  The Battle Of The Sexes(I think thats the title.  A movie with Steve Correl and Emma Stone.  I play a Carl Sagan looking mother fucker on the sidelines of a historic tennis match.  I'm just an extra but maybe you can see me.  They had to keep resetting a shot, so everyone had to go to their original positions after about a minute of shooting.  For some reason I was the only person out of 300 people who had walked like a hundred and fifty feet every take.  In order to not be a shitty extra, I busted my ass back to the original position.  So in this arena filled with hundreds of people, the director, all the way at the other end of the auditioriam thanks me through the loud speacker for hustling because it was saving everyone time.  Also I almost got laid later for no apparent reason.)

I think I was on one or two more but I actually forgot.  Somethings missing.  I know I was on two shows

The Chain Of Dogs

This is the part where I work for two murderers.

Lord Of tragedy

And with all that, it was at this last minute I have convinced my best friends, people who have known me for decades, that yes, Adrian is fucking crazy.  And I don't exactly disagree.  I am currently living with her again.  After six months.

At one point I told her that I had to tell a random person who would never see or meet her that , just in case, this girl living with me was my girlfriend.  She said, yeah that makes sense, I'll tell the neighbors I'm your girlfriend.  I wanted to smile so fucking bad , I was like, every dude is trying to get with her, I'm gonna look so fukcing rad, until I realized, wait a second, despite all this crap I don't want anyone thinking she's my girlfriend.  No.  That time passed and we's out, dude.

The Malazan Tales Of The Fallen

This Fucking Year

Now Wait For Last Year

I went out new Years eve.  It was the first time I'd really been out not to catch up with old friends or hang out with my young friends(I hung out with my male and female roommates a lot, both 18 and 19, so thats why I didn't go out, plus I was broke). I met a (I'm sorry this was so fucking platonic, but ...) gorgeous lesbian.  We hit it off(I think she thought I was bi because I am so open minded but I m
very solidly through biology very heterosexual, I just don't feel the need to stop people from being happy, so like what you like, my opinion is shit compared to what you like).  We talked for hours and she moved us around in the bar(her girlfriend turned out to be the bartender who I crushed on two years before) so I was like okay, this is rad, this fun woman taking me around out of nowhere to meet new people is rad(I met the lead singer of a band I knew from the nineties because his jacket caught my eye and I decided to ask him about it.  He designed it so he was very happy at the compliment.).  I didn't get her number but then hung out with her girlfriend(at work so that sort of doesn't count) but no one was there so we ended up talking(never mentioned her girlfriend who I was there for, though). [parenthesis are are over the  place and fucked, lol].

Mortal Sword

It's obvious I'm in the middle of a huge transition in my manner based on me breaking out of my little shell and discovering life is sort of good to me out here.  Like unrealistically so.  The dust of my dreams lying atop all my nightmares.  A world too crazy to be real.  But at the same time every story you ever heard.  And my fucking ass somehow is in it.  Deep.  Like opposite life.  Alternate reality.  And I have to be cold steel.  Once I was hot steel, angry and ready to just slide through people like butter, now I'm cold steel, removed, deliberate, precise.  Not a bloody gash but a perfect incision. And its scares me.  Scares me to have any power after never having any.  I'm still clueless, I'm still sort of weak.  But I know my true self does what he wants regardless of destiny or what people think I could ever do.  It is about being the truest you possible.  Never being weak to the outside and being strong for your inner self.  Surpassing what others thought were impossible obstacles.  I might have.  I don't believe it but the truth is I am now spoiled and can't see the forest for the trees.

Glory Unwitnessed

Today I complained because a girl wanted to hang out at 2 AM and get drunk.  She flaked, but I don't even give a shit.  1. because I know she'll ask that again within days, and 2. I got other people in my life now.  18 year olds are fucking crazy and I'm fine with people at least closer to my age(truthfully, in their late twenties).  I work at a bar, thats whats going on with all this 2 AM bullshit.  Anyway the next night I come home thinking she isn't gonna be there, she's not going to have rent and ditch me hardcore, and she's there braiding her hair, dressed like it's 95 degrees and she's at the beach, but it's seriously half that, and saying she's been waiting for me to come home all night.  Platonic.  "Sleep down here tonight".  Platonic.  "Lets get really drunk".  Very loosely platonic.  I guess because of all the random life shit we've been through I'm just much more physical with her.  Which is fine, we're very close, but then  I don't know.   Lines are crossed.  I'm too old and moving on with my life to get stuck on these things.  The actual problem is how hard I have to try to just not respond to some things to keep it all kosher.  But when it isn't I don't say shit.  But yeah, you start touching folks and it's just easy to go into old habits.

The story behind the painting is that sometime early last year me and the little maniac were living together.  I was watching tv in the living room when she came home from an audition.  She looked amazing because that's what you do for auditions.  But she really wanted to smoke so I passed her the bubbler and she sat down.  I took one look and was like, oh shit, don't move, I have to paint you like right fucking now.  I'm something of a lustful painter when it comes to certain girls(muses) so I was in heaven.  It wasn't a posed painting, I literally said don't move and keep doing what you're doing and I sat where I was sitting and did all the preliminary artwork.

Days later now, I'm watching Laser Moon with my roommate(a youtube video because we watched the whole Star Wars trilogy together when the little maniac first lived here).  We're in my room innocently watching it.  She feels tired so I walk her downstairs because she's easily spooked.  We hear a noise.  I heard it, she really heard it.  And I'm like oh shit, now this is going to be like trying to make a baby sleep for the rest of the night after hearing what might have been nothing other then a next door neighbor shutting their door.  Then there was more noise.  Definite noise.  And really, the only solution is to just go downstairs.  So I did.  Out of the kitchen walks my third roommate who has been gone for weeks in which now my friend has moved back in.  And this roommate was there for months of drama and questions on what the fuck are these two to each other.  So when , down the stairs my old friend pops out, it was sort of a shock.  And also major WTF from her because she never knew us to be hanging out upstairs.  So it turned out to look extremely suspicious.  Plus it was fucking 4:30 in the morning.  My guilty grin at, okay , maybe I should have told you who moved in just looked like I was really guilty for getting my hand caught in the cookie jar.  It was a true Threes Company moment.


P.S.: Truth is you have to read almost the whole novel Deadhouse Gatres, one of the harshest most fucked up fantasy novels ever(cut half the novel, and you still have the Chain Of Dogs, a caravan of thousands of refugees trying to escape a jihad), to understand why I called this Felisin.  I told the only friend who would get the reference(a guy in a successful band , not the one I mentioned) who got me into the Malazan novels, especially Deadhouse Gates(because I didn't really like Gardens Of The Moon, the first novel, very much at all) and I met one of the most fucked up characters in fantasy, Felisin Paran. Apparently most readers hate her.  I was more on the fence.  But yeah, I told my friend, yo I lived with Felsisn, now I live with Shi'iak, the Whirlwind.  And he totally knew exactly what I meant.  I told him I may have methodded the whole rock star thing more than I thought because LA has become a living Neon Demon to me(the movie has elements that are so close to my life that are completely fucking weird).

Mar 14, 2016

Only Epic

Acrylic ink on gray tinted paper.

I just turned 40.  I feel younger than ever.  Not just saying that.  I look it, and am having quite a life.  Not a life I'd be living outside of LA.  I went full mid life crisis.  Lived like a rock star(way too much booze and pot) with the wildest young lady ever, quit my job the day before my birthday, went full time into art jobs and acting.  Starve if I have to.

You know life is complicated when it takes a year to write down anything about it.  And then you do and you have to delete it all because life ain't just you its others and you are not the only context in and of yourself.  So I try to write then say to myself wait a fucking minute, most of that shit you can't tell until way after the fact.  And I'm not living way after the fact I'm living in this moment, in this weird context, in uncharted territory which was my whole purpose, but now that I'm sort of here I understand the fullest meaning of be careful what you wish for.  

After a year of the shittiest living situations, I got a new roommate.  I've had a bunch, some friends, some new friends, some that hated me, but one that became a best friend.  And a muse.

And that's where I have to hold back like 80%-90% or more of the story.  I'm going to have to skim over the best, juiciest, funnest, and yeah even the shittiest parts.  I have to .  And it sucks, I don't want to but some parts of life are completely private, or just so shared that any personal tidbits are entwined with other people's. So in the spirit of trying to get something out I'll just tell the basics of what's going on now and a little on how we got there.  


And by little I'm talking just a peek.  But I swore I'd live epically and I achieved that.  So despite all the pain there is epic glory.  Things I thought would never happen but hoped, dreams I wished and forgot, lust I thought I'd have to leave behind, and the most unusual male/female relationship I've been in.

I'm at the end of this crazy portion of my life.  I'm sure there will be more because I've leveled up. Of course that was a painful leveling.  I say of course because my luck is not good to say the least.  Although things like luck play a crucial part in this part of my life.

I'm almost finished living with my Almost-Muse for six months.  She's moving because her life changed drastically(in the ultimate Hollywood sense).  This only has something to do with me because we became best friends during that time. But that was not expected by me, or her I assume. You see, despite her looks she seemed way too young so I treated her like family.  Plus what the fuck would a young super mutant of human genetics want to be friends with me for?  So I didn't let myself think about it too much.  But then we hung out way to much because we just lived the same way (up all night, sleep all day, be lazy ass cats, then work fucking hard another day and barely sleep).  On days off we'd hang out from like 1pm to 5am.  And obviously after a while I felt differently.  And she was the wildest, most different girl I'd meet and I only give a fuck about the wild ones anyway (as was proven by this story that's all I can hang with).   But we were friends. Regardless of that she was my muse.  Soon to be everyone else's.  I knew it, and so did everyone who met her. And I'd paint her all the fucking time.  Oil paintings for christ's sake.   But after a while we became super codependent.  I mean really.  Like fully for a short while.  And at that point, while I was polite, I was super honest about my feelings.  In fact I have never spoken so honestly to any woman in my life.  Mainly because people are afraid of true raw emotions even when said politely.  But she was exactly the same so you got two maniacs saying and doing whatever they want with no other care in the world but smoking pot, painting, acting, watching movies, and hanging out together.  There was a time where I'd get home from work at 11:30, get home at 11:50 and she would wake up then to hang out till the morning.  I even helped raise a pit bull she got from a shelter.  I love that guy(Han, as in Solo).

There was another time where I got frustrated and needed to not be around her because she was practically my half way girlfriend because we were so codependent.  A male roommate left because he wanted her and hated me because he thought me and her were going out(every man ever seems to respond to her which is crazy disturbing because she looks so young, but then again, look at my own reaction and realize while it sounds crazy the only reason we're still friends is because I wasn't constantly trying to get on her, although it's been six months of living together so it's not like I'm innocent either, but I was so good for a while you'd never believe it).  So I tried to keep my distance but we lived together so that was impossible.  Imagine having a beautiful up and coming actress/model soon to be Amber Heard type heartthrob argue that you have no reason not to hang out with her.  I constantly lost that fight.  But then after a few hours i'd be like, listen I'm going to my room, you can come, do whatever you want, talk, be crazy, whatever, in fact I encourage that, but I'm going to bed.  And I'd look at her like, now what you gonna do, honey?  

Hence, she became my Almost-Muse.  I try not to draw her anymore, but I have more than a half dozen paintings of her she posed for that I guess I should finish.  

Oil paint on cardboard.  About 20 percent done. Still working on this one.  My Magic Couch features prominently in these paintings. But that's where we made them.  Expert for that first one.  Which was inspired by a look.

Anyway, all that tension was resolved in ways.  But it was enough that when she started seeing someone she thought I was going to freak out or be a dick when in fact I was happy she found one of the few people who would be good for her.  I always wondered who that would be.  And I found out.  One of the most famous and good looking guys in the world.  A guy I actually admire and have a lot in common with(I knew this but as she told me about him I realized we had a shitload more in common, including being able to hang with this little maniac).

I'm only sad about the fact I'm not gonna hang out with one of my best friends anymore.  That was the wildest ride I've had with any friend. But I'm happy for her.  I was very protective yet free with her (I never told her what to do once, which every other guy did). Now I know she'll be okay.  And that was what I wanted most for her.

There is a lot of bad, sad stuff I'm skipping and all the best stuff is cut out also.  But this is where I'm at, where I was at, and where I'm going seems even crazier. If I were to sum it up, I found out that beautiful irrepressible nuevo hippies are my ideal living partner.  I'm having coffee with my first female roommate and her mind is gonna be blown.

People kept giving me advice.  All I ever heard was the sound of settling.  Eventually I just started telling people it is only epic for me.  Everything else is too fucking boring.  Most people looked at me like I was crazy or stupid.  Yet here I am in this weird epic life now.  And it's just more pain and more pleasure. But that's what I signed for.  Being normal is deadening. So only epic for me.


P.S.: my storyboarding plus a few extras acting gigs for movies and TV shows.  They all pay way better than the normal job I had. I'm doing what I love on a small scale but doing it full time.  Can't say what I've done because of contracts, but one gig was with an extremely famous rapper.  
P.S.S.: I lost all the weight I wanted to.  I've been skateboarding every where.  In the hot sun.  I started last summer when I worked 2 miles away and then I was broke a lot during that time because I was paid shit and was super depressed a few times (about bad shit I'm cutting out of this).  And at the end I became my natural weight.  
P.S.S.S.: I got to start dating.  But who the fuck is gonna distract me now? I can't even guess. Do you even get how over stimulated I am.  I need some real sexy ass shit.  I'm fucked.
P.S.S.S.S.: not a complaint.  I'm sort of happy.  But this kind of life changes drastically, as every month has been for a year.  Almost there.  Almost very happy financially.  Almost truly getting my shit together.  Almost happy.  Almost muse... 

Apr 10, 2015



My art site is here:

My buddy Chad asked me to write again because he liked this site.  When I moved to LA two years ago, I knew no one.  I decided to go to school, acting school, and sure I became friends, with my first partner, then roommates with my second, but Chad and me, we seemed nothing alike.  And that's me being incredibly shallow.  Because he quickly made me realize one some weird level he was the only other guy who thought like me.  About art and will power and storytelling.  When I barely knew anyone he was my only friend who would cruise the long roads of LA at night and listen to music. And his whole family are just total sweethearts(his brother and me struggled to talk about the super massive, super confusing epic fantasy series, The Malayan Book Of The Fallen, but even we failed at explaining that..thing).   He is one of the best actors I've met and one of the funnest dudes around, and he's probably the most focused intelligent person I've met.  Since he reminded me to write again, getting me out of a slump for a second time(maybe more than that), here's his site: 

Last summer I needed a job and my buddy Glenda hooked me up.  Five days up at Lake Arrowhead doing sound for a horror movie.  I got paid, fed, and a bed.  And of course I had a great time hanging out and shooting and decorating and ducking blood spurts(I said it was a horror movie).  A met a bunch of new friends there.  Practically the whole cast and crew knew every Friday The Thirteenth movie off the top of their heads.  They really love that old style horror and it shows.  I always used to love the atmosphere of horror movies, especially eighties ones because I watched the late at night by myself on cable, hoping for scares(and nudity lets face it.  There wasn't even a fucking internet yet).  So actually being on a horror set, all dressed up like that was sort of fulfilling that experience.  Especially having to spend the night with scar mannequins everywhere, sometimes they were actually the main bad guy standing still between scenes scaring the shit out of us with that scary mask(he was a sweetheart in real life).  And yes there was a lot of cleavage.  

Anyway, here's a link to the website with a trailer:

Game Of Thrones

I saw the first episode of the new season of Game Of Thrones a few minutes ago.  It's starting to get to some non book stuff which is different.  There were portions of the last season that were new(some white walker stuff) but most of it I knew well.  The Tyrion and Oberyn stuff was my favorite of all the books so I loved season four(which was half of book three).  I remember a lot of the stuff in the new episode from book four and some from book five, but there is definitely hints of some tangents from the books coming really soon.  I'm almost all right with the idea of the book and the tv shows to be different stories.  Whatever the case, I'm liking it so far.


Okay.  So Daredevil is fucking excellent.  It's what we comic readers see in our minds eye.  We don't see the dots of color as strictly dots of color, we translate them to more than just a few simple hues.  The static images move in our minds.  It's a different feeling from looking at a bunch of sequential photographs because your brain is doing more work translating the image to some strange form of reality in your own minds(not that photo comics don't work, they just usually do not).

Comic movies have long made the mistake of literally translating aspects of comics like garish colors or ridiculous costumes.  Batman Begins by Christopher Nolan helped start a new era of comic movies of a higher quality by doing the atmosphere literally, not the garish elements(that were really different based on artists, some like Brian Bolland drew nearly photorealistic Batman comics, so I don't want to demonize the comics as a whole).  We are not looking at these heroes and thinking smelly leotards and inseams and flop sweat.  We pretend thats not going on.  We pay attention to the scene, the action, the beauty of the art and the flow of all those boxes.  We never hear them talk yet we all have an idea what Batman sounds like regardless of any movie or tv show(I only saw the 1960s Batman as a kid, yet the one in the comic never sounded like Adam West in my head, or Michael Keaton, when that version came out).

Daredevil feels and looks like what we see in our minds.  Unlike the movie(and most comic adaptations), the cast gels together in a natural, slow way.  A status quo is set.  And thats important. It's the seeds of a tree.  The ones that become roots.  without this status quo, you have nothing to veer away from.  In the movie we get a friendship, a romance, and a villain.  And it all seems a little empty and fake.  Because it all needs to fit into 90 minutes.  The Daredevil tv show does not have this problem.  It's twelve hours.  All of it out at once on Netflix.  No need to quit because you don't want to wait another few months to find out what happens at the end of the season.  You can breeze on through and watch them all.

And with all that extra time, You'd expect fluff.  That soap opera, after the next commercial, watch the next episode bullshit that wastes your time on network tv.  Daredevil has next to no filler.  All those scenes build on each other and are useful to character development.  Not filling minutes or begging viewers to keep watching.  Its the all at once Netflix format.  It makes this show extra great.

The acting is great.  The Kingpin and his girl Vanessa's relationship is beautiful and scary.  Stick, Daredevil's mentor is fucking phenomenal.  Foggy and Karen are great, anchoring the show.  Matt is solid, somehow selling all this super hero stuff like it can really happen.  The fighting is realistic and brutal and great.  None of that Agents Of Shield patty cake bullshit for kids.  Hell, I think kids drink twice in this show without any moral lesson in sight.  It's a dark show.  But it is so filled with the joy of being a rich character in a rich world of stories. 

It is the definition of the term "earning it".  By the time Daredevil gets a real costume it feels like it is really earned.  But so does everything.  Just built and built, with so much more to tell, so why rush.  They don't. They do it right.  

Flesh And Blood(1985)

I saw this on cable when I was around eleven.  And it blew my fucking mind forever.  As in, it influenced my entertainment eating habits to their core.  I would have never read Game Of Thrones if a customer at the comic book store I worked at hadn't overheard me railing against fantasy books, and suggested that GOT might be my jam.  This was the mid nineties and the state of fantasy was a dumpster filled with old sea food.  So something different was needed.  I checked it out because I had exhausted my at the time obsession with science fiction(I had just read the best, too.  Hyperion, my favorite book, Use Of Weapons, the most confusing genius disturbing book, and Forever War, the best book about time dilation ever.  But what I wanted out of fantasy was not what was being advertised.  Mainly Tolkien derived, and at this point, beyond derivative and all the things people thought about fantasy.  What I wanted was gritty, realistic, and by that turn, sad, and not very magical.  Game Of Thrones was that.  But I was only looking for that because I had seen it in a movie once, and imagined it when I went to Europe.

And Flesh And Blood was the movie.  That's why I was obsessed with that sort of medieval realism.  Now it's old hat, but then it was the only one playing the game.

It is about a group of mercenaries traveling the countryside looking for anything, food, work, money, raping, pillaging, the whole horrible bit.  They are led by Rutger Hauer, from my favorite movie Blade Runner, the late great Brion James, also of Blade Runner and The Fifth Element, it even has the scarred nazi from Indiana Jones as a mercenary priest.  Also traveling through the country is a King looking to marry his son, the Prince, to a Princess, played by Jennifer Jason Leigh(who was in the original and amazing Hitcher with Rutger Hauer).  The Mercenaries, now betrayed by the kingdom run into the Princess, and some bad things happen and hard decision are made.  And yes, some Game Of Thrones kind of things happen.  Sex, sometimes not quite consensual, and either way, always kind of fucked up, many times sort of perverted and sexy is rampant in this movie.

I think this movie fucked my mind up.  I was just that age where sex was very appealing for the first time, and so was Jennifer Jason Leigh.  I mean one of the first scenes in the movie a maid seduces a knight to fuck him in the bushes to show the Princess what sex is.  Then they go up to a hill and find a   hanged man who has been dead for a while.  The maid tells the Princess that when a man is hanged, he releases his bowels and bladder and fruit.  That all seeps into the ground and makes mandrake root.  So they dig it up under the corpse and the maid tells the Princess that eating it will make you fall in true love with the next man she sees.  And of course that man is the Prince.  Romantic?  Sort of.  Then the mercenaries happen and love becomes very different.

The mercenaries then overtake a castle with the princess in tow.  It's all chaos and revelry.  And more sex.  They live it up.  Until the Prince arrives and lays siege to the castle to retrieve the Princess.  From there things get fucked up even more.

It was directed by Paul Verhoeven of Robocop, Total Recall, Starship Troopers, Basic Instinct, and Showgirls, all extreme movies in their own way.  Flesh And Blood is my favorite with Robocop coming up close, and Total Recall close behind that, but yeah I like the rest a little.  This whole movie has an overcast, muddy feel to it.  I mean that in a good way. You just know that time smelled like shit and no one ever cleaned or took showers(although there is of course a sexy bath scene in this).


I saw this movie this year.  I sort of wish I saw it as a kid.  I would have loved it.  Of Course it would have messed my brain up.  But as an adult, I love it anyway.  It is totally fucked up.  We need to get that right out of the way because this is not for the faint of heart, although it does have rather silly pre-CGI effects(doesn't bother me a bit because I watched plenty of movies before computer effects were everything).

I'm just going to mention the opening credits up front.  First off, the creepiest opening song ever plays, as unidentified slimy body parts slide over each other like flaps of snakes.  It's so creepy that you wonder if the rest of the movie will ever live up to whatever the fuck you just saw.  And it takes a while, but it sure does live up to it's weird promise.

This follows a high school kid and his fucked up rich family.  This all feels really eighties.  Almost after school special like.  Except every scene has some disturbing undercurrent.  But the main kids family is just weird rich robots the way they act.  And his sort of sexy sister is just fucking oblivious and weird.  The kid meets what has to be the hottest strange ass girl ever.  She is like the epitome of whatever Rico Suave would be into(I know this is going to sound wrong, but his taste in latino women would be really good, so this is somehow a compliment).  Between weird sister showers with body parts in the wrong places, and more weirder sex with more body parts in wrong places, the kids sister's stalker(huh) plays him a tape of the sister's debutante ball, which is the most disturbing hilarious dialogue.

Eventually the movie(spoiler for parts of the third act) gets to that coming out party.  And whoo boy does some crazy shit go down.  All the rich important people in town(Beverly Hills) come down and have something of a smorgasbord/orgy.  They call it the Shunt.  And one crazy old dude yells "I love the smell of the hunt!  And the taste of the Shunt!"  They then do some crazy gross eating/sucking/melting/merging orgy on this poor guy who for some reason has a very particular annoying face that makes you think it's creature effects the whole movie before you realize they only put creature effects on him at the end.

This all culminates in the funniest, grossest effect of the movie.  And then it just ends quaintly like it was any other Sunday afternoon.  The credits roll and they play an opera version of the creepy song at the beginning.

I've seen other movies with Brian Yuzna, the director.  This is his best(although he did work on Re-Animator and From Beyond, another favorite weird movie with similar fleshy effects).  It makes the whole allegory of the rich eating the poor into a more twisted reality than you'd think.

I somehow found it and saw it on Youtube.  I don't know how this avoided me my whole life, because I'm the kind of guy who worshipped Evil Dead , Dead/Alive, the Phantasm movies, and From Beyond.  I've never heard anyone mention it or anything.  But it's sort of a landmark for weird gory eighties movies.

Here's the whole movie:

Working on these

So.......from this point on I'm going to be name dropping like crazy.  I know it's lame and blah blah blah, but these stories don't work without a little context.  Oh, and I'm gonna talk from my id, so it will be dirty.  I mean no offense, it's just the thoughts that actually go in my head, not fact, not even opinions sometimes, just a momentary passing erata of random thoughts.  Usually dirty ones


I work in a trendy neighborhood.  I never quite knew what that meant.  Now I sort of know. There a great comedy club on the next block, an infamous "celebrity center" across the street, and the road next to the store goes up to the Hollywood sign.  I used to live on the west end of Hollywood boulevard   past all the crazy shit, but only by about three blocks.  This is a few blocks up from the busy part in the neighborhoods by the hills filled with rich people.  

I used to work way out in a nice quit suburb twenty miles east but because of my car situation I transferred to a closer store.  That happened to be the Hollywood one.  There are shitty parts of the job.  Then there is everything else.  Like the constant ocular onslaught of half naked pretty people.
I keep saying how much I like legs and  oh my god I am in heaven.  Sometimes I laugh to myself at how over the top it gets.  Of course I have moments that break my brain and make me stupid.  One woman thought her jogging shorts were not hiked up enough apparantly because I found myself looking up at a quarter buttcheek(and me with my weird fetish, I guess, for shorts that show a little butt cheeks, I'm not going back on that either, not ever) and that was the most graphic, wonderful, spiritual,  half chubb tastic, thiiiiiing, I just wanted to--and whoops I forgot how to work.  I just went stupid.  Like wondering what sequence of events has to take place to make a sandwich, because those asscheeks over there, and then wondering what a fucking sequence was.  Just dumb fucking head board stupid.  

And I thought that was transcendent for some reason.  I'd still try to work, but then those butt cheeks, just dangling there like Chinese store ducks from a window. Then I'd be back to the sandwich.  It's lettuce and spinach.  Spinish.  How do you spell spina--back to the butt cheeks.  This is what wrong with men.  I mean I still would have looked and liked it like pervert if the shorts were cut that way, regardless of how bad the cut of it would be, but no, it was that lazy, pulling up your wedgie, and just not giving a flying shit.  I mean she was hot and all, and they were great legs.  But come on, I couldn't fucking think. I was almost frustrated.  

Another time I was eating my lunch out front when this woman walked by me, again with the legs, and then she sort of bent over a little, and I'm like trying not to move my head to tilt it like a fucking cartoon character, so I never know.  I never know if that girl was wearing underwear or not.  Not because I'm a perv in this instance(wait how many instances are there), but because she is.  She was only wearing a man's flannel shirt and sandals.  That's it.  No bra.  No shorts.  Just a shirt.  Not even fully buttoned.  I mean that's almost beautiful in its laziness.

Another time I met one of the all time greats of comedy(The Ben Stiller Show, Mr. Show), and star of the spin off to Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, Bob Odenkirk. I actually saw him a bunch, but didn't talk to him.  Then one day I looked up and twenty feet away, was Odenkirk walking towards me.  And when that happens you look back because your like hey that's Bob Odenkirk, and then you look down all embarrassed, and promise you will be cool to yourself, but you gotta look because that's Bob Odenkirk.  And then he is ten feet closer still walking towards you, and still looking you straight in the eyes, determined.  It took me a second to realize when he spoke that he was ordering some food.  After he came back for it, he apologized for messing up something and so to break the tension I told him that The Clash Of The Titans with Mr. Show and Kids In The Hall was my favorite comedy concert. He put that show on and it wasn't on TV, so it was like an inside thing and he just brightened up and even told me some tidbits about future stuff that I won't say anything about because that was private.  But it was so cool to talk to a long time comedy idol about comedy.

Another time, my current favorite stand up act, Bill Burr was just standing there when I peaked up from behind the counter.  Do you know how disconcerting it is to be cleaning stuff on the floor and to come up three feet away from Bill Burr looking identical to everytime he has been on TV for the last few years, looking you straight in the eye. We didn't really talk, and I was just afraid of doing something weird and ending up in one of his acts.  

Another time I was walking to work and the only other guy on the sidewalk of this neighborhood was Giovanni Ribisi, an actor I love, just walkin on by.  I think that was my first day at this location.

Once it was late and I was alone and a beautiful woman came in.  I took a fancy and hit on her a little, she sort of hung around.  And then I realized, shit, This is some Nickelodeon or Disney girl from ten years ago isn't it.  She looked different because she was in her mid twenties, and I barely recognized her anyway because I hadn't watched those channels in more than twenty years.  And now she's like a fucking woman or something.  And she's got my ass hitting on her.  Anyway, she was sweet.

And that kind of stuff happens about once a work day.  Some times more than once.  Rocks stars, kids of older rock stars, movie stars, sports stars, models, directors, the mayor, all those people come in all the time.  I didn't even know this but some people just shop on an almost daily basis.  Lots of them famous.  It may only be a small ten percent that are famous.  But it's like if you went to high school with them.  You recognize them and then wonder how they've changed, and then wonder if you should acknowledge them at all.

Anyway, today(Tuesday), I saw two famous women I consider among the most beautiful in the world.  I know that sounds silly, but how many other fucking times do I run into super models and actresses I lust after the most?  So here I am telling of the day's events.  The tales that follows will enchant your lives beyond description.  So don't shit your pants in excitement, okay.  Because these two stories might just be totally mundane.

I was working and Teresa Palmer, my dream Australian, walked right by me.  And she looked like so fucking normal.  I don't mean that as an insult at all.  I mean that like, she was just a real girl, like a full human.  She was all human scale, with shoes and bags of groceries.  All of a sudden she was girlfriend sized.  And still hot as all hell thank you very much.

Later I was working the counter, and for some reason, like a break in the shit storm of customers that come in the early afternoon, no one was in the deli, and my co workers all went to lunch.  This is a busy place with a lot of workers, so it's a weird moment when it's quiet.  This woman walks towards my section, and even forty feet away, I almost have to say Holy Shit, because this woman is that striking. Then I thought, well, she's not gonna come over here to, and sweet holy shit she came right up.  And part of my visual cortex just did not fully absorb the light rays coming from her face.  Like my brain said, no she isn't really that pretty, no one can be, your seeing shit wrong.  I swear my eyes could not take it.

I should say right here, that somehow, I don't know how I did this, I had the least awkward conversation I've had with fine girls here.  I mean I've really tamped most awkward conversations way down.  And I guess the only thought I could have was how every man ever can't function around this woman, for real, not a joke, it's fucked up I know, but I'm talking every man is just fucking eye locked on her and stupid as fuck.  So I was like, I don't want to be the millionth trip on this poor girl, so I'll just be...I'll just be.  Not gonna hit on her.  Not gonna start any conversations about dumb shit.  Just hang out with the super model.  While I'm just doing my job.   No problem.  And weirdly, it wasn't.  I talked to her a little, told her my favorite salad, fed her, she bought the one I said I ate for lunch, and then I sent her on her way.  Off you go, lass.

But, when I looked at her.  Like directly at her like a dumbo looks at the sun.  I swear to god, when she looked directly at me, her face was scary perfect.  Like almost impossible.  But at least I understood that on some level.  No, it was when she turned her face a little.  It couldn't have been as simple as just cheekbones.  It was something else.  Like the planes of her face were beyond my artistic understanding.  Like her face worked on more dimensions than the human mind can comprehend.  This girl surpassed sexual obsession into becoming some sort of living artwork.  I'd seen this before.  At least subjectively.  Twice.  One I went out with for many years, and very likely formed my taste in women, and another I didn't.  It's something intangible that I need to draw it to capture it.  The soul of it.  And when I don't it just hurts.  But that's another story.

Who the fuck is this girl?  That's what I thought.  How the fuck do I know her?  I totally recognize her but I can't place the movie or tv show.  Could she be just another crazy hot girl who happens to look like someone famous?  But who?  And then it dawned on me that in reality there is no fucking way in hell there is anyone else walking around looking exactly like this.  And if there were they would be the only other person in the world.  Probably not even on the same continent.  And if they were they would explode like antimatter at the mere proximity of each other.  No, this girl is the only one that looks exactly like that. But what show, what movie, who the fuck is this?  Then I culled from the deep pockets of my memory a second long snippet of a girl turning, with sheets, maybe wings, yeah wings were involved.  Oh, wait a second.  This is the main girl from the Victoria Secrets Angels ads.  She was so striking she could engrain a seconds worth of footage into my brain.  I just googled and found her(it took a pico second to recognize her out of all of them).  It was Alessandra Ambrosia.

Anyway, she was cool and sweet and just wow.  All these stories without mentioning the french model that comes in and melts my brains and pushes my buttons by rolling her r's and just being holy shit. But that was another day.

It should be said that the girl I flirt with the most and sort of have a thing for is a normal beautiful golden haired girl who wears normal but classy clothes.  You like what you like.  I didn't fall in love with the super model, but aesthetically, yeah, she was something to behold, and yes, fellow men, of course I would.

You'd think, with everything I said, that I must be some horned out loon at work, but I found out second hand how I am.  There is a thing called a secret shopper.  It's like an undercover inspector who rates stores and employees.  I found out the next day when my boss told me, and other people were talking about it.  I got a hundred percent.  I totally thought it was a joke for about a whole day until I saw the report.   Guess I did good once.

No car, so I've been taking the train and walking to work.  I pass a few hundred hollywood stars.  I guess I walk the walk of fame to work.  Weird.  Then the Hollywood sign blares at me, on my walk up to the store.  Starting to get a little sentimental for it, seeing it almost everyday.  

I hope we never meet(in fact I dream of it)

There is one celebrity I like so much I almost hope she doesn't come in because I saw her once before she was famous and nearly fell in love at first sight.  When I saw her on a TV show once, for about, half a second literally, I fuckin taped it.  She wasn't on that episode(and everything without her was horrible) so I had to wait, then I saw her and I swear, if you've ever seen a dog watch tv, that's what she did to me, just sit down, attentive, and stare in bewilderment.  The one time I saw her, at San Diego Comicon, way back, she was dressed as Jessica Rabbit, with long red hair and a red dress and almost the purtiest eyes ever(tied at least).  I remember just looking at her like what in the fuck, how is everyone else going on with their lives.  I demand answers.  This woman is a fucking golden goddess and people are just shambling along with their petty little lives.  I don't give a shit if you never heard of Jessica Rabbit, look, look mother fucker, look!  Anyway, I did write about her many years ago and said I could paint her forever, which I only say about less than five people in the world.  

The worst almost run in was when I lived on Hollywood Blvd near a famous comic store.  I saw a month old store event.  It was her, posing for artist in cool costumes.  The most painful missed thing ever.  That would have been my literal dream come true.  Then she was around because Chris Hardwick was going out with her for a while.  We apparantly run in the same circles a little bit so I both dread and hope beyond hope I get to meet her one day. 


So I was broken-hearted.  For like a year.  Yep.  I'm dumb.  And really, it's over nothing.  not a relationship.  Just someone who doesn't want to know me.  Plenty of people in the world probably don't.  But for some reason it just hurt worse.

It's just me being overly sensitive.  Not like normal sensitive either.  More like just being hurt regardless of any sort of bad feelings(but of course maybe there are and again I'm just stupid).  I think I gave up on being rejected at some point, but that largely entailed me becoming introverted and alone.  I guess I just had enough of anyones judgement and retreated from it(into acting? See, I'm stupid).  And maybe even the slightest bit of reaching out was the only little tendril of hope/help/neediness I could extend.  But rightfully, who the fuck would want that in their life?

Which only reminds me what I already know.  Is that I kind of fucking suck.  I'm really good at a lot of things I love, and shitty at anything that anyone would want from me.  And just doodling alone or writing my little stories to show no one is really worthless of me all around.  In that sense.  I totally get it.  Do the things that other people like.  But I can't give a fuck.  I love plenty of big fun things.  I can't give them up because they're the only thing that keeps me going.  But doing it doesn't get me anywhere but alone.

That's the thoughts that juggle in my mind.  A wind tunnel of that.  Mainly from the past.  Because being honest, almost everyone here has been pretty good to me and I haven't had a horrible experience with anyone.  But since I lost my faith or trust in everyone it took me forever to even hear compliments.  And even today I still barely hear compliments.  They became meaningless without action in the past and that stuck with me.  I only acknowledge action.  Not words(which explains why I like forward girls).

But with all that I basically stayed in, except for work.  I figured if I was so fucking sensitive to nothing, then maybe I shouldn't talk to girls at all.  I wasn't interested in anyone anyway.  Aside from sexually.  But not in any girlfriend way.  I think I thought most would get in my way of doing the things I love.  Throughout  the few years I've lived in LA I started with no friends, then have a bunch, but don't hang out anymore.  I lost wanting to share.  I lost caring about communication.  I couldn't figure out who the fuck I'd want to talk to and why.  And of course I am a cornucopia of dumb pain, so again who'd want to know that shit.

I didn't really have any emotional connection with anyone.  I mean lucky fine ass girls keep showing up at my apartment otherwise I wouldn't have met anyone in my personal life.  But it's not like that's something I can depend on.

Yeah there is more to the story of that girl I met on my couch.  Long story, meaningless now, but I at one point got drunk with her friend on Thanksgiving.  And those are not the only fine girls to show up.  When our lease ended, my roommates left, but I didn't want to go, so I got new roommates(my roomie found them, which was awesome, since it totally wasn't her responsibility, she saved me a huge headache).  My new roommates were hanging out with my neighbors.  They had a friend visiting from the middle of the country somewhere.  And they East Coast drink.  Since it was the friend's last day staying at our place  I said I'd Eat Coast drink with them.  When dumb ass that I am, I drank with them the night before, did too many shots, and woke up hung over.  I did the whole work day about to throw up.  I couldn't believe when I got home at 9 I was still hung over.  And they were waiting for me with more drinks.  So I agreed to take one shot, but then I said I had to turn in an art commission I did for someone over the internet, and I'd have to be fairly sober for that.  So they mixed me some strong ass concoction of whisky or bourban with maybe coca cola(the memory may have lost some things).  I promised to sip at it to get started, but I worked on sending my digital files to the employer(my friend, and technically I wasn't drawing anything, just converting photoshop files, - defensive much).  It took about forty five minutes.  Or maybe that was the drink.  All I know was that I downed the drink, took a very big bong rip, watched about ten minutes of some shit on Netflix, then remembered I was supposed to hang out.  So I collected myself(made sure my dick wasn't showing) and went down stairs.  By the end of the stairs I realized that maybe my motor functions were not all they could be.  So I slowed it down through the living room, got a proper gait going, walking almost like an upright hominid, made it to the chair outside, fell into it, sighed and took in the air while the five other people standing out there kept talking.  I tuned in and looked at who was standing in front of me.  My neighbors, my male roommate, his buddy, and some crazy hot person I never seen before in my life.  And I was instantly sold.  Then I caught myself.  I said, wait a second, you can't just totally fall for someone like that.  She's probably going out with one of these other dudes.  Chances are super high.  So I resolved to ignore her.  Which is of course is when she says, "I met your cat."  I couldn't figure out how this fox met my cat, since me and him are like peas in a pod, but only people who meet Oliver talk about him like that so I knew she met him, but since he was sleeping in my room at the moment I was still confused.  Anyway, she turned out to not really know any of them, I showed her the commission I just finished and some Thought Balloon Man pages(I hopefully caught myself before I got too eager), and she then went home to her apartment across from mine(?!, that was the thought in my head).  And then I realized how much I drank and smoked and went back to bed. I can't wait till she meets Monkey(my adorable ferret).

And just now(a Monday) I just saw her again.  Of course all of this is because she became friends with my female roommate because they are both dancers.  And the fact she is red haired has nothing to do with it.  Although she is cartoonishly what I'd like(I mean that in the way that it's too many little things I'd like stacked up, like a confection).  Shit, maybe I do have a red head thing.  There's a girl who comes into my work with red headed chin length hair and blue almond eyes.  And I can remember her like crazy.

And then at work, I was platonic with my friend, who was half my age(which is smoking age, so we're still good).  But when she got a new job everyone who worked with me constantly asked me everything about her, and after a while I realized, oh, to them, I was her workplace boyfriend.  We got along great, and if she was five years older, or I was five years younger I think I would have been crazy for her, but even though we got along and we understood each other so well, I was too old for her, and she had things in life yet to do.  But our connection was effortless and she was my style of wild.  Wanted to be a go go dancer.  In some way I have her to thank because I was extremely introverted when we met, and she was extremely extroverted, so she was in my face about stuff and forced me to come out of my shell, just by being fun.  A really great girl.

So things have not been all awful.  I don't have a car.  I need a new job.  But life isn't hopeless.  And I promised myself to get out more and maybe even date.

All I want is a good life.  I want to have wonderful people in it who constantly enlighten and entertain me, and I want to do that back.  When I changed my life it was about making it as good as possible.  Meeting the people I truly love.  I got to shake hands with Moebius and show my comic pages to J. H. Williams.  When I had nothing and knew no one I at least got to meet and talk to my favorite people.  And aside from my job which is usually just casual talk, I've got to meet great people(and I'm not talking famous people only, most are just great friends of mine, who are also very talented individuals).  I make mistakes and maybe try to reach out to people who are not like me and do not understand or like the kind of person I am.  And half the time I think maybe they are right.  I want to never make that mistake again, never be hurt again, but I need to have a life, I need comfort or care.  I can't live in neglect.  You only die in it.

And the saddest part is the only sweet whisper of happiness I have, is that The Girl Across The Way said I was hilarious today.  My feelings are so cheap considering how small and fragile they are.  Like I said, dumb.


I did the painting up top for myself.  To be honest I may have had a little bit of a red head thing going on at the time.  I wanted to get that greasy sort of Frank Frazetta feel to the woman(every piece of art is sort of an experiment and a learning experience).  I ran into the woman who may or may not have inspired this.  I hadn't seen her in like a year.  I guess I got all growed up because  I was way more...something with her.


I filmed a short with a buddy from class and Taylor.  It was improved for the most part(although I had a blast writing the funniest lines for my scene partner to say about my character, "his career like a corpse lying on the beach bloating in the sun.  A cadaverous heart, this former child star" all said in a broken german accent).  I wanted some footage of me with long hair to cut from since I look different in different scenes because they take place at different times.

I'm really trying to finish these scripts, but I've been struggling with motivation this last year.  It's four scripts.  Scenes, or short films, depending on how they are presented, from that movie I wanted to make.  I play the same character.  In one I am mugged and reference a bunch of my old movies.  Another is an emotional scene between my character and how tv show dad who is like a surrogate father to him.  And the one we filmed a part of(but not nearly enough)is about German documentarian who is doing a court ordered doc on my character.  And the last is a funny, not what you think, bunch of scenes of my character and his girlfriend getting caught by the paparazzi in a big scheme.

I hope to work on them soon.


I started drawing the next issue of my Science fiction comic.  So the two pages of the second thirty page issue.  I'm pretty proud of it.  I learned a lot the first go through and draw with more certainty and less effort to achieve stronger, even more detailed pictures.  The storytelling gets really fun in this one, and I get to introduce half of the supporting cast of crazies.

A little while ago I showed a large sampling of my comics to writers of a comic I did a while back.  We never met in person, so this was a first time meeting, and because of that I brought a sampling of all my comics(Talented, which I did with them, Thought Balloon Man, Super Humanity, Red Sands, and others).  I went through all my intentions I try to hide in every page, all the eye flows, panel sizes, shapes, relation to other shapes.  Their comic was the first where I started just doing totally different panel arrangements.  I went crazier in Thought Balloon Man, but Talented had a weird sort of psychological bent to it that worked well with claustrophobic moving panel shapes.  Finally getting a chance to talk about that was really fun and inspiring.

Learning To Fly

All I can do is keep trying.  I'll try to be good.  I'll try to care again.  I'll try not to get broken.  I'll try to let myself get broken.  I'll try to stick around.  I'll try to get better.  I'll try.


Nov 2, 2014


*I edited lots of this way later so I just put an asterisk before the stuff I added.  See, I just did that.  You're already reading an edit, sucker.  No going back.

*I should put a disclaimer or something that I try to write these things very thought like with as little censoring as possible.  So sometimes I'm crude and stupid, like we all are in the back of our minds from time to time.  With contradictions and evolving ideas half thought out.  And shitty sentences.  This ain't an English class.  I save the proper stuff for my screenplays and characters.  This is dumb dirty thoughts.  And sorry for all the edits.

I'm going to just ramble a bit and get some random stuff out, so just tune out if you don't like personal stuff because I'm just going to conversate through some shit here like I know what I'm doing.

Still having this year of huge ups and downs.  I think I'm dizzy with it all.  With every bad thing a good thing happened but it was always soured.  I'd be broke and then get one of my dream jobs.  I'd do things I thought I'd never do, let alone be paid to do.  Then more shittiness.  Up and down, again and again, and not in the sexual way.

*Lets see, since I wrote this about two weeks ago I had to pay the union on my job, which made my rent check way too close, then my car broke down, then I bought a new one by trading it in, then I lost my phone( it was broken anyway and I had to buy a new one on Monday), then I finally got my big check for storyboarding, after that shit week of doing all the previous stuff with no money.  See what I mean.

I will get to these great stories someday I hope, but lack of inspiration has killed my writing.  So I'll explain what I can, but the detailed versions will have to wait for some other day I guess.


I have been working a bunch of completely different and unrelated jobs.   It's been painfully boring at times and crazy at others.  I did random jobs like driving people and working at a deli.  The driving people was interesting because how many random people I'd be stuck in a car with.  The deli job was interesting because it was one of the busiest in LA and I had to serve famous people every other day.

The trick is to pretend you have never seen them before in your life.  It works perfectly except the one time someone from the Office came in and I forgot the side characters names were the same as their real names, so when they guy gave me his order I looked at him weird for a second because it was his characters name.  Anyway, this pretending you have never seen them in your life came in handy the two times porn stars came in.  I remember I was talking to one and thinking, "oh, this is what she looks like when she isn't all sweaty and covered in goo"(For some reason I went PG there).

It's really disconcerting serving roast beef to a porno star.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe because I have to serve it I see it's just raw meat.  And for some reason I swear all the famous people eat roast beef.  Some of these celebrities are still alive today because of the roast beef I've served them.  Fucking sickos.  I mean I'll eat roast beef, okay, but you have to admit, its sort of fucking gross.  And serving it to porn stars just ruins something deep inside.  It's just one step too far.  It's one too many things for me to imagine going into their mouths.  It makes you think it must all be just meat to them.

I would eye fuck people when I got bored.  Didn't matter the age.  I'd just look to see something I find attractive and look as deeply into their eyes as possible and listen.  But about 50% of the time I swear there was this "is he? he is! oh." kind of look.  This is in all of like 3 seconds but it was like a little game I'd play at work to pass the time and alleviate the bullshit of serving customers.

*The best were girls in their forties.  That millisecond of naughty recognition.  And really this is all of a few seconds and then I just finish their order like its nothing.

Today for example my twelve year old crush came in.  Like from tv.  I was in love with her.  She was blond and her hair looked all soft and she'd wear those fucking fuzzy sweaters that look like heaven mist because underneath were boobies(I said I was twelve, right).  Anyway, she's beautiful still and she has a great personality.  And I seriously drop everything to help her when she's around.  It's funny.  And I don't think she's acted recently so I don't think she'd know I'd recognize her.  If I run into Jennifer Connelly I think that will  finish off the twelve year old crushes.  Also one of Jason Stackhouses ex girlfriends on True Blood use to come in and really, she was ridiculous pretty.  But I never talked to her casually.

*We served Chopped Liver at one point and it made me want to fucking puke.  I love 99% of the food there but that shit was torturous.  Every part of me hated every other part of me for volunteering to taste it.  I told my buddy later when I had to put it away, and grab it with a glove, and then recoiled in horror, I said, eww that feels like a hobos tit!

While that boring shit was happening I did art jobs on the side.  Some were pretty well paying.


I did my first official Storyboards for a commercial.  Whether it is ever filmed is another story ,but I'm done with my part.  Basically I'm given a rudimentary 1 paragraph script of each scene and then have to bust ass making up stuff to give the director a sense of how it would play out when filmed.  Then they would base the shots around those storyboards.  I had to draw so fast I rarely erased anything and never used a ruler.  I drew the interiors of stores and the exteriors with cities all without rulers.  It was that fast of a turn around.  And not something for indecisive artists.  And just to be an asshole I inked the storyboards with crow quill pen, pretty much the hardest pen to do fast inking with, since you have to dip it in ink and draw precisely in order to not make the ink run.  But it makes better straight lines the way it cuts into the paper.


A buddy I met in an acting group was directing a music video.  He asked me to do animation.  I admitted I never had done that.  He said give it your best shot.  I try to rise to every challenge so I took the gig and had a blast.  He even let me direct the camera men on some shots I'd like to use to animate later when I was on the set. The set involved a bar I liked in downtown Hollywood and a few dancers were friends of mine so it was a lot of fun.

Making the animation was interesting since I'm not a trained animator like so many I have known.  It was a combination of efficiency and trying to maintain a style.  It was conveyor belt like, but you somehow have to keep some poetry in it.  The art of it.  It was fun and challenging and I was thrilled to make it for a friend and be part of a production like that.


I never did find out anything about my comic.  I knew that happens.  I knew that it sometimes takes a really long time for anyone to even see it.  But still it sucked. I can say I've really had to up my art game in order to do these jobs.  They are quick and not precise like my comics, but the energy and creativity it took came from my comic, and now is expanded and can be put back in to make even better comics.


But like I said it was ups and downs.  so no closure on that(story of my fucking life), but then I got involved for a kickstarter for a comic anthology I had contributed a Thought Balloon Man story to.  It actually got fully funded and then some.  I'm proud to be a part of it, and I am lucky and I hope people see it.  Heres a link to the kickstarter.  It's the one where I say I want to fuck everyone's faces with my comics.


I've had a really hard time writing.  Somehow I'm getting this out like a courier getting a secret message past enemy lines. And yeah I've been down about all of these things with bills and loneliness.  Except I wasn't lonely.  I have a lot of people in my life.  No lack of people who care about me. Even attention. I just don't seem to care.

The victories, the progression, the moments, they were alone.  Just like the defeats.  I had my friends there, sure.  Sometimes even people who liked me a lot.  But no one to share it with.  I get my dream "back up" job doing storyboards, and it doesn't matter, just another day, eat some crap and sleep.  Whatever.  That's not a life.  Those things above would be so entertaining, but they are not alone.  They are empty.

And I guess I have to put this in perspective for people.  I once took a day trip with a girl I was seeing to Bodega Bay in northern California.  Drakes Bay is my favorite place,  but I had never been to Bodega Bay where they filmed Hitchcock's the Birds.  Plus its really pretty and I have an obsession with beautiful seasides.  An obsession that runs really deep.  I enjoyed it.  She enjoyed spending time with me. But it felt empty.  She didn't share that experience.  She was along for the ride.  And no judgement on her, she wasn't into that.  That's perfectly fine.  But not someone I'm connecting with.  That's when I knew it wasn't going anywhere for sure.

I need experiences.  I think I'm now old enough to finally see I am really just a person who needs more stimulation than other people.  Luckily drugs are not my thing or we can figure out how that would end up.  At best like Charlie Sheen.

But I still need more stimulation.  I'm not sure if I was born this way either.  I think I developed it.   Out of boredom.  So chicken or the egg. Whatever the case, it's who I am.  How I am.  And the things I love involve a lot of stimulation(well, art, storytelling, living life to the fullest, and sex).  But those stimulations were missing something.

I had connections.  But those were with girls very different from me.  I liked them and I was extremely attracted to them.  One because she understood something about me that was real and true and she saw it and after that there was always a closeness.  But she was too different.  And again, not in any bad way, just I'd have to be a different person for her.  A person I'd never be. There's of course more to that but it's between me and her.

And there was another.  Platonic.  Not in a bad way.  But I avoided her.  I was also super busy and had my mind on a million things.  I avoided her though because honestly she turned me on like crazy.  We met for some business, so I wasn't really thinking about the way she looks, but she looks good, okay.  After about five minutes I realized she was my kind of crazy and I decided to say what ever the fuck I felt, because thats how I speak to my close friends.  And she stared at me.  I sort of apologized, but in a way didn't, because thats the way I talk, I guess like this, but with dirty interludes.  So exactly like this.  It's different in person.  More broken and tangential.  I go on thirty minute long tangents and find ways to tie them to the beginning.  But I'm trying not to do that so back to the story--  She said that no one talks to her like that.  I think I did a sorry laugh and said whoops.  But she said, no, thats the way she talks.  So from there we were the best of friends.  But pervert friends.  Maybe because of how we talked.  But once, I was on her couch, and she was telling me a super dirty story.  That was nice.  I could handle that.  But then she saw a corner that had some stuff in it.  It needed to be cleaned.  But within that 2 by 2 foot square of floor, that woman bent over like she was doing a slow motion flip.  Like an aerobics expert(instructor didn't sound strong enough). Except in the shortest mini skirt I have ever seen in person.  I think this one figured out my weakness.  So this connection was really just physical.  And mostly on my part.  But I wasn't the only horny one.  I had a friendship connection but I was not emotionally into her past that(I love the gal, just not in that way). Regardless I could not stand up from that couch.  Some people have that effect on my pants.

*I still hang out with her, just rarely.  And the avoiding reason was the realization I was not ready for a woman like this, and we both knew it.  But we also knew I was really in the process of changing, and someday things would be very different.  And so I changed(I don't know, just I'm more me in some strange way, like that Nu- Hulk I once mentioned in a post, all himself but weird and strangely together).  And she mentioned it immediately.  So it's that sort of thing where depending on the weather shit might go down.

My work friend wants to set me up.  She's 18 and wanted to set me up with her friends.  I had teased her about my real age for weeks because she asked me if I was 25.  I eventually told her.  She tried to set me up with the bakery girl because the bakery girl looked like a frenchier Zoeyy Deschanel.  And you better believe I was on that shit at first sight, we had checked each other out a few times so I thought the game was on.  But as all women I know who don't act, she was so fucking taken.  I only know this because my friend went behind my back and said I thought the girl was cute.  After that my friend wanted to set me up with her friends and I said we need to make a ground rule, if they live with their parents I'm not dating them.  She said that eliminates all the girls she knows. I told her thats probably for the best.

*Well an important detail is already missing. The frenchier Zoeyy Deschanel was not just taken, she's engaged.  That's why I basically avoided her.  But, since my buddy blew that shit wide open, there is a very funny awkwardness between me and Fenchy over there.  Basically, what happened is that my buddy said her friend said Frenchy was cute.  Then my buddy came back and told me.  And I was like, wait who the hell else could you possibly be talking about? The only other dude here is in his fifties.  So I was all embarrassed.  From then on I haven't been to the bakery across the store from me, but her coworkers always come by and try to entice me to come over.  I'd think they don't know, except that Frenchy sometimes catches me taking a peek.  And sometimes I catch her. The other day we both did a double take at each other at the same time then started laughing.  But she's engaged so I stay away.  Even though I am intrigued by the lines on her.

And with all that I still felt like shit.  That wasn't what I needed.  Okay, what I needed, but not what I wanted.  I wanted more.  But the idea faded.  The one thing that could fuel me to do anything.  I've seen what inspiration can do when applied and nothing else works.  Not money, sex, and especially not comfort.

I had lost my sense of humor for most part after years of living in a shitty place.  Lost all hope, didn't smile, didn't trust anyone, and eventually didn't care.  I lost the people who loved me and understood me.

And then one day I turned my head and like opening an old wooden box, all the scents wafting out, sparking memories and emotions, it was like no time has passed since it was last opened.  Memories sweet, followed by the bitter aftertaste of the present.

The Box

I knew someone was coming in so I wasn't surprised, but the fact it was this person made me make this big goggle eyed wow face.  It was someone who really got me the first time we met, And that I was immediately into, but that was it.  She was gone faraway the very next week.  Another missed connection.  But the only one I really cared about since living down here.  I forgot my connection to her so I was amazed to see her round a corner more beautiful than ever(granted I saw her once before and she blew me away that time too).  And lets get this out of the way, I didn't know if she was taken but I suspected, and of course she was.  So it's that story again with me.  But still.

At one point I was sitting in one place away from her and I hadn't said a word because I didn't have the chance, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her.  She'd catch me and I'd smile, but it was no mercy I wanted her bad and would will my lust right the fuck into her form across the room.  But after getting caught and being all friendly about it by smiling it off a few times(seriously my eyes were eating her alive), I had to stop otherwise it would be staring.   Eventually I just got up, looked to the person sitting next to me who was oblivious to all of this and said, "fuck this, I can't stop looking at her, I need to change my seat or go crazy." and I actually sat out of eye sight of her because I just wasn't made to be friends with her, I want it all.

Eventually, I talked to her and we caught up.  I forgot how sexy her voice was.  I don't know what it was about it but it was smoky and smart and direct.  I forgot that, but she didn't forget anything.  She remembered and she cared.  That was all I wanted.  And then she was gone again, far away.

But the box was opened.  I wanted to be kick ass for her.  I wanted to make money and be successful for her.  I wanted to make movies and have great little trips and vacations and romantic shit I thought I'd never understand again.  I wanted to be touching her at all times.  I wanted to paint a fucking wall with every color to capture one moment of the sun glancing on her skin.  I wanted.  

And it was then it became clear I'm just a closed box of pain and love.  And I can't open it.  I can be honest and open about anything, but that release of emotions, I haven't had that really, with someone I love in more than a decade.  I haven't even loved anyone in a decade.  I don't remember it.  I don't believe anything anyone tells me because I'm used to every word being empty.  No amount of reassurance works on me.  I'm broken to people's love because I don't have that one person I want to open up to on a real deep level.

And all my guy friends are pretty happy hanging out with guys.  I do it all the time, but I'm never very thrilled about it.  And in a way that's really insensitive to my friends.  But I'm just somewhat unresponsive because I'm holding some little ember of love smoldering and that's all I have, nothing else left to give.

The solution is love.  It's stupid mother fucking love. And the worst part is you can't make that happen.  It just does or does not.  And it's a two person thing.  No one loves me.  But even if they did, I don't love anyone.  I can even say that with a laugh because it doesn't hurt me anymore.  I'm numb.  There are people who feel strongly about me but we don't have that kind of connection.  Aside from that girl walking in, I haven't been interested in anyone in a long time.  And that fire just went super nova and puffed out all in the course of a day.  Back in the box.

And it sits there rotting in that box.  Or at best mummifying.  And with that love, trust, and inspiration, goes my desire to communicate.  

*This needs some more explanation.  I basically stopped wanting to entertain people when I left Northern California.  People I knew.  I wanted to disappear from their life because I just wanted nothing to do with the place.  I didn't want to share one more moment with people that didn't give a shit about me.  It felt like that's all I ever did.  So I stopped being funny.  It disgusted me.  It felt like whoring.  Like sharing some intimate part of myself.  And sometimes it still feels that way.  And in some way I think I could have just faked it and faded into nothing and let people think I'm fine and end suddenly be badly, or I could be honest with myself and not share my life with the wrong people.  

*Acting, drawing my comic, and making all these friends have made me communicate with very different people, and it's helped me recover from that.  But I've learned my lesson about talking to people in the past, it always ends in deep hurt and disappointment and regret.  So that stuff, it goes in the box not to be looked at or thought about. Sometimes strong feelings, sometimes even art or things I draw, sometimes even people, they go in. All I know is I won't draw, write or think about certain things until I want to open that box.  If I am happy again.  

*And realistically, why would anyone want to deal with my shit and my problems.  I can't give you a good reason.  I get why my friends might.  But girls?  Nope.  I'm not even sure these are big problems or just my loneliness and lack of want for people who don't totally enthrall me(because the ones that do make me superhuman).

I'm Trying

I'm somehow still here.  And lately things have been a little bit Californication(the tv show, I need my own version of season 6) so my complaints are weird.  But they exist.  I'm writing.  At least, I wrote this.  But I'm venting so I needed to.  Being quiet is worse.  I don't want to end up like Robin Williams.

So I've been trying to just work.  I worked out some teaser material for something to sell starring me, film wise.  My big issue with all this lack of inspiration is I don't want to write and that makes it so I don't make my comics or my potential films.  I'm the thing hindering my success.  But, like I said I'm trying.  And besides that there are good things.  Or at least distracting.


I'm living with three roommates.  One of them moved in recently and another is on my couch after moving out from an exes.  And the last I lived with here since January.  Three guys and one girl.  Our apartment is big so it works out and I have my own room and it is the biggest, so I'm happy.  We are all actors and we all met at our school.  Everybody is rehearsing all the time.  And then with musicians next door, its sort of one big party. all the noise next door and then I can go to my room which is nice and quiet.

Once I was walking through the living room and my female roommate was watching tv.  I went to the kitchen and for some food, walked back through the living room and heard her say something, but not to me.  I turned anyway and she was on tv.  Prime time tv on a cooking segment on a major network.  I was like "wait, you're...but" and she was just watching it to see how it turned out.  that kind of thing happens.  Then since Im starting to know so many people my friend gets cast in a short film and he says I know the lead.  Turns out to be this girl I drew more than a year ago when I did a shoot at this big rented out studio.  We acted in separate segments but hung out for the hours in-between our scenes.


*Ollie is pretty popular in this joint.  Like the apartment mascot.  My other pet, Monkey, stays in my room and act crazy in there when I let him out, but Oliver kind of rules the roost.  And since he talks to everyone they respect him.  He is like a gigantic super smart and aware cat. And me and him have sort of a father son relationship, except when we talk, it sounds like Han Solo and Chewbacca talking.  Arguments and opinions flying on why he can't eat my human food, with him countering with different questions and then getting pissed.  He has totally done that Lassie trick where he has asked for Water or Food when he is low in very complicated ways.  But yeah, my roommates are surprised that our conversations make a little sense.  They always end in a kiss and a hug.

The Couch

Even as I wrote the first half of this, my buddy on the couch brought a girl with him, and just left her here while I'm writing my blog and watching South Park on the couch.  And maybe I'm a slut and not just an eye fucking slut.  But of course I started telling her dirty jokes and making her laugh.  Something about dripping honey on my pajamas by accident, and then the next day thinking I jizzed myself.  And then going through my night trying to figure out what I did or if I had a special dream or something.  And then washing and nothing happening because it's dried honey.  And then I pointed to my crotch.  Yes I really said that upon first meeting her, and yes it went over well somehow.  She wasn't gonna forget my ass.  But she's my friend's girl so I was just flirting.  But I told him later, "Dude, you really gonna leave a girl I never met in a half shirt and tight everything on a couch with me?"  And that all happened in the middle of writing all this.

*Okay, an important note here.  I have rarely said anything that crazy to a girl(unless I knew them very well)especially the first time I meet them.  For example I have never talked in any manner like that with my room mate.  Some girls don't give a shit and give me a vibe and I talk very different.  Other don't and I talk like a normal human being like I do at work.


Maybe I'm just girl crazy and looking now that I have a breath.  Maybe I'm just searching for that particular sort of inspiration that works for me.  Honestly a few of these stories took place months back.  The box opening was a few weeks ago.  And the couch was a few hours ago.  And all these girls were different races.  Only a few of them white(I'm imagining people thought I was talking about all white girls).  Some of them I have drawn.

I did work on a script with my friend.  It was just finishing off a pretty detailed comedy outline I was working on.  A Brooks Laughton thing.  He's a character I made up that I wrote a ton of material for.  It got the juices going a little.  But I still need to write a bit more before we start working on filming it.  It's a long teaser for investors to make a bigger movie with actual money.  All I have to do is write it.  I have all the equipment and support, I just need to finally do it.

So hopefully when I get some time and happiness I'll get to my graduation week and how much fun craziness that was.  A great week in my life.  Plus a buddy gave me free head shots because he's building up his business so I have a bunch of pictures.


*P.s.: I saw one of my best friends down here on Greys Anatomy.  It was great because it was a moment in life where you see a friend and I guess because it was following the leads and they walking into a room and there he was, it had that feeling like if I turned a corner to see him like I have a hundred times before, except there he is on tv, looking exactly the same(because for some reason I just assume everyone will look different somehow) and acting like the character, but it's still him on some level, but still nothing like him.  It was just weird and awesome.

*P.p.s.: I bought a new car and it's pretty cool.  I'm lucky I brought my roommate because the owner was so in love with her he totally cut me a deal.  I was sitting there, like of yeah, she's pretty, sorry I have tunnel vision sometimes.  Anyway, the car is nice looking and fast.   Better than I thought I could get, but I had a nice car to trade in so it worked out.

P.ppps: I went to my friends Halloween party as Tony Stark.  I just bought an Iron Man glove and glowy chest Uni-beam thing to stick on my t-shirt.  I only knew the hosts, two beautiful twin actors, who I rarely draw because they look way too much like an ex of mine(who is also beautiful and aged at the same pace as me, as in she looks way young, even twenty years later).  I had to explain this to one of the sisters because she asked why I don't draw them much. I said it felt wrong.  

People kept passing me at that party, looking from my arm, with the glove, then to my glowing chest emblem, still in confusion, and then to my face and then they'd laugh and say "Oh, Tony 
Stark!"  It was fun.