Dec 14, 2013

Adulthood Beyond Adulthood


I've been busy lately.  Finishing everything and starting my carreers.  I have to somehow sell my comic this month, reedit old scripts to possibly film, and get ready to start auditioning for things.  I've luckily assembled a wonderful circle of friends down here as well as some old friends.  Without them I couldn't do or wouldn't do most of these things.  So I'm lucky and I'm trying to make it all pay off.  


Some theories are sort of simple.  Like, if the audience knows where you are going with a story part, then hurry the fuck up to the next unexpected part.  Going through dull scenes we all know the content of before they happen is a waste of every bodies time.  Just cut it as short as possible and go to the next part with new information or actual plot progression.  If you dissect the last thirty or forty minutes of the Hobbit, for example, you will see minutes go by of stuff we are just waiting to happen, that we know is going to happen, padded out with a lot of posturing and pointless fighting(because we are only waiting for Thorin to confront the main antagonist and they take about 25 minutes to consummate that, mainly running around the country side or hanging out on a tree trying not to fall off when they can just casually walk off at any moment as Thorin eventually does[thus I call it padding]).  


I was never really happy at school, but I was plenty curious.  My solution was to find out more about my own interests, which when let to roam turn out to be really varied.  It's made me collect reference books on art and just random things like design, architecture, science, history and other stuff.  Most of my books are heavily illustrated, even the history ones.  I have pictorial history's of eras and wars, timelines, books filled with timelines and charts, timelines of inventions, etc.  I have books of cross sections of cars, planes, castles, ships, even anatomy.  Plus a lot of anatomy books and theory.  Clip art books.  Books of quotes, psychology books(I read a lot about how the brain works because a bunch of my idols were weird mentally).  I read swaths of certain genres over a large spans of time.  I was studying fantasy just to get in the mind set of doing my own(which is different thanks to seeing what was out there, my favorites were George R.R. Martin who got me into fantasy in the late nineties, then Joe Abercrombie whose characters are just the best ever).  I'm read science articles every day for the last few years in preparation of doing my science fiction comic(plus I've been catching up on great novels like Spin).  And now with acting I have to read scripts and examine their every word and beat(at least of the scenes I am in, or have to direct).

The point is to get better.  To know more.  The point is to make stronger, more original work. The point is that who ever is smarter, more clever, and has more information should be doing the job.  I'm perfectly happy to defer to geniuses.  But anything less just seems like a waste of time.  And if I ever want to be great I have to try.

The Hudge

I was meeting my roommate to go apartment hunting.  It was the coldest day I've been through in L.A. So I was wearing four layers which I never do(undershirt, shirt, then a buttoned shirt, then a jacket).  It was so cold I ordered apple cider.  It was 9 in the morning and I'm not a morning person.  My roommate said it was a nice coffee shop in the middle of the neighborhood we both liked and wanted to look for apartments in.  I was in the little front room and had no idea that this place had a bunch of room a in the back and was gigantic. 

A guy peaked in, then came back with two friends.  I thought his leather jacket looked nice and since I was wearing my own, which I love I looked at his.  Too many zippers and too bulky.  This was what I was thinking.  And then I noticed that the girl with him was really cute, but she had a hat and big coat on so I could barely see her.  These were all black.  

Since she was cute I checked out her boots which were knee high sexy things.  She had my attention.  And then she turned and I saw she was wearing jean cut offs and was extremely cute and I smiled at her.  She sort of politely smiled and then went back to talking to the guys she was with and ordering.  

I even thought in my naive ego that I was cooler than the guy she was with(takes a lot to impress me) but couldn't figure out how to talk to her in this little room.   We politely looked at each other as she scooted past and at that moment it occurred to me she looked like a famous person.  But I looked down and just thought about it, and that was when my roommate walked in.  

My roommate ordered and then she showed me how big the place was, me we walked past the girl and her friends in a secluded part of the back.  As me and my roomie got into the car she said "did you see Vanessa Hudgins back there?"  And I yelled, "I fuckin knew it!  God, I wanted her so badly.  I thought she was all normal and shit and..."  Pretty sure I became incomprehensible around then.

There was another time that I was in line to buy pot and the girl behind me I'm pretty sure was a super model(Josie Moran).  Or last week when I was behind porn stars to get coffee in my own neighborhood.  It's weird out here.  Because if I meet any of these people in private life I don't tell those stories(because that's between friends).  Some of my best friends are beautiful people on ads in stuff but that sort of stuff is personal.  When I see famous people just out in the world it's different.  Like once I was shopping and I saw the lead from Sons Of Anarchy because I'm pretty sure he lives close to me(I live in a tiny apartment but as you'll see from the next story, lots of famous people live here in this crowded part)

You got mail

I forgot if I mentioned this, but a few months ago I got some mail for the former tenant if my apartment.  I didn't open it, but from the things it said on the outside it was obviously important(but the kind of thing the tenant would also know through email or phone).  I knew he found out whatever it said inside, so it wasn't the biggest deal if he got this so I never found him and gave it to him.  

Then about a week later I was talking to an friend I've had for decades.  He mentioned a conversation he was having, and because he thought I knew the guy he mentioned his full name.  Something sparked in my brain and I realized the only time I ever heard that name was when I said it in my head after getting that envelope for him.  So, in shock, I said wait a minute, what was this guys name?  And it was the same guy.  I asked why my friend thought I'd know his name in the first place, and he told me because the guy was an up and comer and stuff(he works in the smart branch of entertainment as this guy, that's why they were hanging out).

Then about two months after that I went to a show about half a mile from my apartment and this guy performed(Whitney Cummings also performed that night and called me and my friend rock stars in a joke.  And I missed seeing Chris Rock like a complete fucking idiot because I came late[which was why Cummings made the joke, and no I don't know any of those people]).

Now, I understand the contents of the letter.  I think the former tenant was shopping his show around and THE major cable network was courting him, but it didn't happen, and instead was picked up by another network.  I only know this because now this guy who was living in my shitty little apartment last year at this time, just a few weeks before me, has commercials with his famous friends showing all the time.  I can't help but wonder based on that time I saw him and his friends on this show if any of them ever came to this medium sized studio without a view.  It sort of weirds me out. And then I think, shit Im not even trying to get a show within a years time.  I have other ambitions but still, it's a bar that seems impossible to reach on one hand(again, I'm not exactly trying to get on a show anyway, I'm mostly interested in movies, and that's the sort of acting I specialize in, but I mean the success), on the other hand its a little encouraging that a guy who is probably rich now, loved in my sad little place I'm moving out of in January, just a year ago.  Some things are possible.  And were all just humans anyway.

It's creepy seeing his face on billboards and on my tv in his own room.  I try to avoid it.


I was talking to a class mate who said he just became legal as a joke.  I said happy birthday, are you 21.   He said no, 18.  Which just made me freeze and say I'm 20 years older than  At the same time the best friend I met out here is just a little older so I should be used to it.  I think I'm just getting into the career part of my life.  The uncertain period is sort of ending.  I basically just either do or die, no other option.  That is an era of someone's life.  And it is a maturity.  At the same time a lot of what I am doing I could have never done sooner(except if I was with the right girl as my copilot, that's why I was so picky).  I still worked at it constantly.  And now that I'm older it just seems that those eras happen at different times for different people.

The people I've met out here are basically on the same journey as me, that's why they are all ages and from all over.  I look up to my friends regardless of age because they have qualities I am working on.  Like deciding on my roommate had everything to do on the fact that she had the same basic goals in life as me and reflected the energy I needed around me.  Another girl who was like 18 asked me to be her roommate a week before and I said yeah.  At first.  Then after about a minute I said maybe...I don't know.  And she was confused so I had to elaborate.  I said I don't think that would be a good idea.  And she asked why, so I said it, I told her, well I'm a man and you're a woman, and I'm single and your kind of single and one night we get drunk and...I basically told her I'd go for it in a second in the most polite way because as delightful as that would be(and holy crap would it be), I felt skeevy about it because she wouldn't think it would happen, but like I said we'd both be weak one day and then all of a sudden I have a girlfriend(I didn't say that last part to her).  

Even when deciding on my roommate I was strangely picky.


On some level I need to publicize like crazy.  On another I'm going to need to distance my self from all sorts of online things.  I can't read about my own work.  Not for a while at least.  Reviews positive or negative can stop me or redirect me from doing what I want to do/have planned in both my stories and carreer.  At the same time my whole goal is to connect with the audience and give them something to look at and speculate.  I don't really know how to deal with that.  My comic is episodic and multi volume.  My characters are supposed to be playing on archetype in strange ways.  If I explain it all it could be bad.  Plus, I'm not exactly putting easy, junk food stories out there.  I make things to be reread or rewatchable.  In fact I make them to be enjoyed more in the reread. With comedy I put in jokes that are supposed to be funnier the second time because you know that they are set ups for stuff you didn't know on first view.  With my science fiction stuff I put in all sorts of clues to future stuff that pay off more on reread(I hope).  How do I know if its working or not if I don't read what people think?  I'm still going to write the story I plan to write, but if I read reviews by people who misunderstand or think I'm doing some stupid shit, or even think I'm doing something great but want something I know I am not going to eventually give, it could change what I write if it affects me enough, so I have to be careful.  I'm making a singular work, not a consensus one.  


I've been reading the science fiction book Spin by Robert Charles Wilson.  I was looking for good science fiction to inspire me while I finished editing my science fiction comic.  I guess I read his Chronoliths a long time ago, because I forgot how good Wilson is. Chronoliths was an original take on time travel(monoliths from a future conqueror appear in the present, leaving everybody wondering if or when this future event will happen, and how that affects all the time in between).  I'm almost done with Spin, and I love it.

I actually think the back cover gives a little too much away.  But, regardless of that, I'm surprised how many ideas are explored and how unpredictable it all is.

The premise is that the Earth has been put into some sort of field by unknown forces.  So everything on earth happens at the same speed as we all know it. But outside the field, everything seems to be going a hundred years a second(or something like that).  Now solar events we would never have to worry about are within our life span.  The question is why this has happened. And what can be done with this situation.  And Wilson has thought of everything.

Basically I'll just mention two plot points that happen in the first two chapters. Everything from there just escalates.  The first chapter takes place far in the future.  Like billions of years(I don't know).  4 times 10 to the 9th power.  Whatever that date is.  But things are not that different.  And the main character decides to take a Martian drug that will take him to the adulthood beyond adulthood.  But the Martian drug isn't alien.

Then the next chapter takes place in the present.  Three friends hanging out at night.  Then the stars go out.  And they never come back.  The sun comes up.  But it isn't real.  An astronaut crash lands that night, but he's been up two weeks longer than is possible.  He experienced more time out there in a few seconds of our time.

I got exactly what I wanted in terms of great storytelling, characters, and well thought out worldbuilding.  The novel moves pretty nicely and always has a new interesting plot point that is unexpected and genius.  We live in a culture where people think one idea is great, knowing that once it is used up they have nothing else, but we have Robert Charles Wilson over here coming up with an idea a minute, never relying on stretching one concept thin, ready to move on to the next cool thing he came up with(the thing I loved about Breaking Bad).

Comic Love

I saw an artist I really like on a commercial during Saturday night live.  Raphael Grampa was spotlighted in a vodka ad about him as an artist.  That was cool.  

The Fifth Beatle is a graphic novel that debuted at number five on the best seller list and it has art by an old favorite who rarely does stuff, Andrew Robinson.  It looks gorgeous.

I'll be showing more stuff once this comic is approved.  I hope people like it.


Nov 8, 2013


Edit: this is a photo after I did all the perspective I was just bullshitting in the older scan.  And it's about 25% inked(I still thought it might be a failure, but since I'm writing this after having finished it I'm happy with it).  I'll put up the finished one very soon.

I'm in that really really frustrating two weeks finishing my comic and making corrections(or perfecting).  I want to show it so bad but it's not done yet.

Its a sort if fear of embarrassment, fear of failure(even though after about a week it can be published no matter what), fear of what happens next, because on some level, this is all I got to give(in the epic science fiction arena, and honestly I still have two or three unrelated science fiction epics knocking around to do(although not multiple volumes like this one), not to mention my fantasy epic which is also huge, but is more about history and time.

I'm going to be emailing to some of all time my idols I have met and have not met for advice first, then if they like it a review or something.  It's intimidating but art he same time like I said if I see a separation between them and me then I will never be one of them or their equal.  

Confidence of Line

Part of what both speeds me up and slows me down is the confidence/certainty or where to put the line.  I noticed, and always predicted, part of the solution is the simple amount you draw.  The more you do it the more you know where everything goes and the faster it gets.  I'm refining my style and the lines are just getting put down easier.  I was saying my fear of things was going way.  All the horribleness in my life made fear a little more ridiculous.  And I notice I don't really fear anything anymore(except women...because I'm a fool).

In order to make these last few edits, thes last few fix ups, I have to be absolutely certain where everything goes and put those lines down with that passion and direct action.  Art can be like that.  Just abandonment of everything but love of the line or color or whatever you like.


I finally did that short term memory for class.  I was really thinking I couldn't pull it off but the class was laughing pretty much the whole time so I think I did it right.  Basically I pretended I was at home trying to read and listen to music.  I'd turn on the music, groove to it, sit down to read, forget it I put it on, get frustrated at all the noise and get up and turn it off.  Then I'd sit down again try to read, get frustrated that there was no music and got up to turn it on again, happy to hear it.  The I did it again.  Then my partner came to the door, so I went to turn it off, but did that and forgot he knocked so went back to sit down.  Then when he knocked again I answered happily, then checked my book that said who everybody was because I forgot, and would close it furious after what I pretended to read in there.  To me, the fun of it was getting really emotional about one thing, then blanking out, returning to calm, and then suddenly remembering and getting mad or whatever again.  It was really fun.  

Now we're doing scenes and I get to play Oscar from the Odd Couple.  So I'm really excited about that.


I'm probably moving only a few miles away somewhere in Hollywood(where I already live), but I wanted a bigger place and could only do it with a roommate, so when a friend asked I jumped at it.  I went so far into anarchy with my life I could just a little order.  Plus my roomie is probably the most vivacious woman I have ever met. I need that energy in my life.  I've been looking for that.  She's been a model in a few of my drawings so she's been my temporary muse at times(not full muse, you crazy, that's way too passionate for friends).  So I look forward to having that extra energy and ambition around me to help propel me intellectually and professionally.  Plus, my friends here are all people I want to help in anyway I can, and they help me, so we have coinciding goals in life.


Because of everything I have not even thought of romantic stuff.  I've been busy and grieving(from what I mentioned last post).  It's all way easier for me here, but I'm still scarred from my old life because those people really didn't like me.  I'm a little agoraphobic because of that.  Even when people like my acting or art the first thing I think is they are just trying to be nice.  I don't believe it.  I don't enjoy it all the way.  People told me a million things that amounted to nothing in my past, so good things are always looked at with a suspicious eye by me.  

Despite all that I still use that as my main means of connection with people.  My main way of communicating who I am.  I guess I'm a little different in real life.  I am practically monkish most of the time.  Although I am still consistently forward towards almost every French girl(there are few exceptions, mainly those few I am friends with).  Its ridiculous because even in my head I'm thinking what a cliche I am to myself. But whatever I can't help myself.  There are all kinds of other beautiful women all around.  And the rest of this place is rife with beauty so, I'm not hurting.  I'm just still looking for someone my speed with that joy d vivre(I never said I could write french).  I'm fucked up that way.  But it's a glorious way to be fucked up. 

This just happened

I went to CVS to go buy some cleaning supplies and kitty litter.  It's about four blocks diagonally from me.  I walked inside, saw an indie actor I liked in some movies a few years back.  I forgot his name.  I went down one aisle and he went down the same and then I started feeling all uncomfortable because I know who he is and I'm trying to ignore him.  So I went to another aisle.  And the. He went down the same.  I tried to remain focused on buying shit and finally got in line, thinking all this.  Then Jason Segal walked in(he wrote and acted in  my favorite romantic comedy in many years, Forgetting Sarah Marshall).  So there is instant irony for you.  Happened ten minutes ago.


Since I have a bunch of short stories from about 11 of my different longer stories, I've been considering putting them together as an anthology, partially because I want to copyright everything soon, and publishing does that, and partially because I have the craziest collection of unrelated to weirdly related stories.  When I counted them all and laid out what I had to tell, I had everything from autobiographical to fantasy to history to horror.  Some of these concepts are still relatively original and I do t want to miss the chance to put those out there. I just need to figure out if I will have enough time to do this on the side(because my current comic comes first).


I'm trying to post more since I have things to advertise in the very near future.  I included sketches I made and concept drawings and throw away panels.  I'm finishing it all this week so I'm a nervous wreck of energy and exhaustion. But soon that may change to happiness.  Or at least closure.  The first one is the third draft covering made this week.  The lettering fits it(I know it doesn't look like that but the name goes down the sides and bottom and around the head of one character at the top).  I also included the second draft cover because I liked how the girl looked before I would have inked her hair(her hair is dark brown and since I moved on to a third version I never inked it).  One of these is a character design.  There's some sketches from class.   Another is a painting I am still working on.  It is in oil on an acrylic background.  That was inspired by someone.  I just do better work when I'm inspired in that way.  But my lack of desperation is so ridiculous I need to stop preventing myself.  Because art like that comes out of me.  

I'm doing better and completing some life long dreams here.  This is just that frustrating few weeks before I can even show this stuff really exists and it drives me nuts.

By the way, I don't know any girls named Amber.  Thought I should clear that up because it sounds like I'm in love with some girl named Amber, but realisitcally, have you ever met an unattractive Amber.  Didn't think so.  Maybe I shouldn't have cleared that up after all.


P.S.: these two dudes are just the cutest, and behind me is a bunch of pages from my comic.

Oct 12, 2013


Loss is the air that I breathe.  Success is the water that replenishes.  I may be fresh out of the desert, with the trees all around me, being miserable about things, but death puts that all in perspective.  I lost my father this last month.  It's too personal to write about here, so I decided to focus on living, which feels ridiculously selfish, but I have been dealing with my grief privately and don't feel like writing about it here.  

It does make me realize the legacy I am, with both parents gone.  It makes me realize why we live and go on and still try.  So I'm doing that.  And now I'm going to talk about other things because those are what keeps me going.  This is what I did since.

Books Of The South

I finally directed a short again after about two or three years. It was written by one of my buddies, a wonderful actor also, who I made a bad ass sister in the first short I wrote for the acting group I participate in.  And the cast was all female except for my pale ass(and let's face it we all know I loved that).  I also got to use green screen and figure all the angles to get that working.  It was a blast, and my buddy Taylor was my assistant director(the only guy I absolutely trust behind the camera with me in front of it, because when I direct myself I need to know when I'm shitting the bed).  I acted against fake holograms for most of it(until my wife arrived[!]).  And we all had to be diligent about staying in character while keeping our eye lines.  We've been talking about doing a sequel to the first short I wrote and some other shorts I wrote over the years.

With my good friends from the past I've been developing new shorts, and old shorts more personal to me, for my class at college, since we are basically bonded forever we look for any opportunity to work together.  One of my favorite shorts I ever wrote, a very passionate, very short, very violent horror story about people who really love each other.  It's gotten so I may have to make a short with all my screen actors guild friends to enter the union to make some more high budget shorts, with the goal of doing full length stuff, like the Brooks Laughton movie I was writing(I did a series of shorts with that character years ago).  Some of my best friends here are getting major work, things I'd watch even if they were not on it, and its really encouraging because we push each other to get better, even though some of us are practically famous while others are like me, just making sure we get as good as possible, as good as our successful friends are.  And none of us know it all.  All of us visibly improve in front of each other.


I am obsessed with writing that makes my brain feel like popcorn.  When someone is really creative and has stuff really thought out, the ideas hit you the audience one after another, leaving you breathless.  Great books are like that.  Great tv is like that.  Great movies are like that.  But only a few.  

All I want to do with my comic writing is make peoples brain into popcorn.  I want fun, but the ideas most of all to be what obsesses and hopefully makes you come back to look over it and read it again.  I'm not doing head in boxes comics.  I have to do art.  For me, for money/survival, for the sake of my comics.  I want to give everyone reasons to think about it after they read it.  To return to it.  To talk about it.  To wonder where it's all going.  It has a cast list, a detailed map made by me,  a back illustration, a preview of next issue illustration, everything I can do to make you look at it again.  Give you another thing to think about inside of it.  Hint to all kinds of crazy places I'm taking it in the future. And hopefully give people characters that inspire them or interest them even if I didn't have a detailed plot for them to live in(but I do).  New characters with new motivations and back stories.  The only derivative thing I have in there is some people in costumes, but that isn't even as super heroic as it might look at first.  None of it plays out cliche(I hate cliche).

I've been busting away at my comic.  6 pages to go(ten with the extra stuff(chapter title, cast list with map, back cover, possibly next issue preview image).  It's complicated, about really driven people and suicidal missions, has a lot of characters I developed for many years, and one over aching story that ends in ten issues(one character will be 20 years old next year, and I plan to debut him somehow, even though he is not in my main comic till years later[he's in it from the start but in disguise until later, which somehow isn't a spoiler]).  The first volume was written as a prequel about how the characters came to be, and how they met.  The second was the big stuff since they would be established characters at that point.  But since my prequel was in every way a first story, I gave it its own epic story, with the bigger second volume expanding all the dangling plot lines into something even bigger.  Now I can't even imagine doing the story without this first volume, even though the second will feel like a point anyone could start reading from. 

I can't wait to finish because then I can start showing preview images and color work and maybe start advertising.  This would still be at the least a month away if not a few.

Senior Year

I just started my second and last year at acting school.  My last day of first year was the day I got my bad news, and I still went.  Because it was the only thing that could possibly keep me from breaking down.  Because those people love me and I love them and we have a bond so I felt better with them around me.

Our first day we just learned about the new work.  The next day at class I volunteered to go first(okay I wanted to impress the teacher by going first and being really intense and scary, because I came in all jolly and nice). The next time I did a meth head.  I watched a bunch of YouTube videos(truthfully anything but too much is not enough, so honestly I didn't watch enough videos, but I've seen it in real life).  I basically tried to practice by imagining all my muscles were popping, straightening and contracting uncontrollably, and sort of not noticing, being completely not self conscious, because I'm sure it looks dumb as hell, at least to me, but my teacher seemed to like it so much I didn't need to bring it back to perfect it(everyone else had to).  So now I have to come back with another problem.  I'm considering having an extreme short term memory(Mr. Short Term Memory played by Tom Hanks on SNL is one of my all time favorites, but I'm not going to copy anything, so it would be about finding something different in that).  

But my other idea made more sense in a story, in a weird way, so I went with that instead.  It was the meth head character, which I asked my teacher if I could bring back for one last thing and she let me.  I did the meth head doing an impression of Michael Jackson's Bad.  It went over really well.  I basically came out all tweaked in a Hawaiian shirt and told an imaginary kid I'd show him how to deal with bullies, then I played the song, put on a leather jacket and started doing Michael Jackson moves  while scratching my nose nervously and just going all out crazy pointing and grabbing my crotch and whipping my head ain't her way, sometimes with a slap, and then kicking my legs al sideways like he does and punching my foot.  It was crazy, but it was supposed to be, then I got the knock, which meant I had to react to another situation, so I pretended it was my dealer and I owed him money, so I hid all my shit, and took my money out to give it to him, but it was my acting partner pretending to be my best friend, and he doesn't know I'm a meth head because he's been gone(this is the story we made up to improv within).  Since I hadn't seen him in a few months and I just finished dancing like Michael Jackson I was exhausted and excited, which made him not know I was at tweaker yet.  But then I quickly and nervously turned the music back on and showed him my dance, which he joined in on(they loved that part).  I think he was twerking while I was pumping my crotch in the air at him.  Then he told me he was getting married.  All he knew was that I would say know, but I hadn't said no yet.  That was when all the meth weirdness stuff came out, because I made up that I wouldn't go because then everyone would see how messed up I got since my friend left.  It was fun and I was totally exhausted by the end of it.  But I got good notes and my teacher gave me the idea to maybe do bipolar next.  I'm practically like that(though not really).  I was starting to think I might really be just a small tiny bit autistic(although I don't seem to be in that generational range) but then I came to the conclusion I just spent too much time alone and am strangely socially awkward(I say strangely because I seem to do perfectly fine when it counts, and with people I like, and I'm not  early as self conscious as I used to be from all this acting). 

That was all off topic, but it reminded me how our teacher sort of saw the relevance in Kanye Wests egotistical rantings, that thing that made me get this far, the belief that there isn't that much difference between you and your idols.  They are human.  Great, but human.  And human is achievable.  Godlike is not.  I don't hold any celebrity to that.  I have seen their human ways in real life.  Sure, they're all fucked in the head more than normal people, but so am I.  So the only thing stopping me is me.  If I let myself.  

I told my friend that out of all the arts I've done, acting is really the only one where the difference between giving 100% and 90% is an award versus okay.  In writing you can get away with 90%(you shouldn't but we all know you can). Same with comics.  Art.  Directing.  Every other little thing.  But Acting...90% just ain't genius.  It's really good.  But still far from great.  And its so noticeable.  


Its fucking awesome.  The online part is too.  Driving in LA has now become something I have to consciously remember is real because barreling along and running over idiots(I like calling them that because it's unnecessarily mean) and shooting everyone is way too much fun in the game.  I actually loudly giggly every fucking time I kill someone or run them off the road in the online part.  And then I get crazy pissed every time it happens to me, like its an affront to human dignity.  Then I go and chase down some random poor player and start giggling again.

Breaking Bad(no spoilers)

It was the kind of show, run the kind of way I only dream of.  Everything I write is finite, with a definite end.  I love making intricate plots(outside of my non intricate stream of consciousness autobiographical comics).  I try to bury the plot in character stuff to make it sneak up on you, so it doesn't seem predictable.  Breaking Bad had the great plot right on top, and snuck up on you with depth of character.   It was something that truly had as little compromise as possible.  It completely followed through with its characters and best of all, the consequences.  Consequences, real and horrible and inevitable.  Probably the biggest thing non storytellers who ruin movies and TV fear the most.  That's why this felt so different.  And luckily it was directed as well as it was written and acted.  It made it even better that Vince Gilligan is obviously a fan of westerns and stand offs and most likely worships at the altar of Sergio Leone(the first director who I truly saw a perfection of graphic storytelling in his Good, Bad, Ugly trilogy, and his perfect Once Upon A Time In The West).


I was inspired this week because a Geof Darrow comic came out, and he is one of my all time favorites.  I am obsessed with his art. Also Battling Boy, a rare graphic novel from Paul Pope one of the most unique voices in comics. I need to see stuff like that to remember how good comics can be.  Plus I bought the huge art book of Bob Peak, one of the all time best Illustrator/Fine Artist/movie poster artist.  His stuff makes my brain explode.  All these guys do.  And that's all I want anymore.  


I have to remember how far I've come.  Bad things will always happen, but good things happen too.  A year ago I got my hope back at that Morrisoncon convention in Vegas.  But I still thought I might never act again, let alone direct or write for screen.  I'm extremely happy with all the progress since then.  I've written, acted, and directed both myself and for other people. I know people who actually get me here.  A lot of people.  It was practically impossible to meet people like that for my whole life before now.  I thought my life was over last summer.  This summer I was happy and free.  Some of these projects will mutate or fall away, but I have a bunch of pokers in the fire.  Failure can happen a thousand ways but at least I stacked my deck.  I'll always lose some things but I at least have a few things I can win.  And those are amazing things.  

I even have to balance my time because I spend a lot of time prepping for class or writing for stuff to direct and act in, and working on my comic.  I'm so proud of the comic, and fairly confident of it's salability.  I actually have that as my priority.  It is as epic as I could get the first volume(and the first issue is the heavy dip into that goulash).  It really shows a side to my writing/storytelling that I can never do on screen without a hundred million dollar budget.  I get to do stuff with characters, stuff I wish I read from other authors.  Stuff that would take seasons to do on tv(and again, the first volume alone would be Game Of Thrones[but science/speculative fiction]sized budget, increasing every season).  They would never make that.  But if they did guess who I think should direct it in my fantastical future?  

My career course was set since before I was a teenager.  This was always my plan.  These paths are supposed to cross.  I don't believe in destiny except in reverse.  After you look back and put the pieces together and see the lines.  At least artistically they are going exactly like I dreamed as a child.  It's been ridiculous for 25 years.  But it seems a lot less so now.  I have a future.  I have hope.  

Now I just need to work on getting a new muse.  


P.S.: All of the drawings are of my friends from class.  I didn't draw any of the men because I don't give a shit about drawing men I know(even if they are great friends). So I sort of drew various girls who were my temporary muse for that moment.  I drew every girl in class.  Whoops.  

P.P.S.: I promise some comic art or film stuff really soon.  I know two shorts I starred in will be up in a month or two.  Plus I have that one I directed and starred in to edit.  And me and Taylor film test stuff or really short stuff all the time.  So something will be up soon.

Sep 7, 2013


An Annual Of Spin In The South

It's been a year since I moved south.  And it's been good.  Uncertain and stressful but good.  Actually more how I imagined and less like I realistically assumed.  But I have a weird way of being a realist, so there you go.  

My Twenty Foot Tall Head

I was doing shorts and scenes for my reel, what I need to show casting directors when they watch a tape of me.  Since I lost a lot of weight and look different I can't really use any old footage(by the way, all this pressure I am talking about is put on me by me and no one else, its just how I want to be an actor), so I needed a bunch of new stuff.  I had been working with a group of actors and writers and directors who do these things.  I broke in to that group as a writer(and from connecting on Facebook with a reader of this site, who made the hook up, David, thanks a bunch by the way).  I stayed later after one meeting for a short, when the next meeting was starting, I just never left my seat.  By default that made me one of the writers and very likely one of the actors, since everyone was busy and this was going to be for a 48 hour film festival.  

When that friday came, they announced the theme of our short at 7 PM. Drama.  I had spit about five or six different possibly filmable short stories(Buddy Cop comedy movie, 2 person Zombie movie, Super Villain movie with no effects, and a few more I forgot, of yeah a comedy horror about a clothes apocalypse, shit I'm going to keep remembering more) but none of them were straight drama.  The director had an idea, so me and my buddy brainstormed it and she wrote it and worded it(I say all this because I just sat on a couch drinking beer and yelling out suggestions, not really writing down one word). It became a short called Synchronicity(which is fitting for a title in my body of work, which in my mind is filled with the names of future projects I keep vague about, but have a certain and specific irony to my personal life).  But Thought Balloon Man is about synchronicity so it works and I wasn't even the person to name it.

With everything in place I turned out to be the lead.  So the next day I woke up at 7 AM read my lines, got ready, drank five hour energy, and went to the shoot.  Of course these always take about a hour and a half of set up, but you absolutely never know when they will need you so you just have to hang around and stress(or check Facebook, take pictures to post, text people between takes) .  And in this case the story involves me being suicidal after putting the killer of my son in jail, so I'm not playing the most chipper lad.  

I basically needed to keep myself on the edge of emotion.  Like that moment before you are about to break down, right before you cry or blow up or whatever.  Plus I got good at being emotionally devastated from practice in real life, so edge of emotion is like second nature to me.  And I almost feel like other actors don't get vulnerable enough to cry, so I said fuck it, that's my strength, I'll do it all damned day.  So I basically cried for almost ten hours.  

Part of the job is impressing directors, producers, etc..  And in my mind I have the added reason to network because I am a director(I figure I'm writing complex comics and shorts already so I'm not really looking for a job with that except part time maybe).  That's why I take the emotional prep and staying in character so seriously(emotionally at least, doesn't mean I can't eat a sandwich or somethingwithout sobbing).  Also for the record, I am not a sobber or a whiner when I cry, in fact I barely make any noises.  I just say that because crying can be lame if done wrong.  

We filmed all day and it was exhausting.  I always have a closing ceremony for a night I act(martini shots is what one friend got me into, it felt lke a good closing ceremony so I took it up, if there were women in my off time I would say fucking the shit out of them would be the after party, but instead it is usually a huge bong hit with two or three shots and saturday night live on my DVR alone, which in some pathetic way feels not empty, but my hands not touching woman always feel empty) after a shoot because I'm just done for the day, even when the day ends at 7 or 8.  I worked with a brilliant actor who I had previously seen in things.  He had some pretty genius theories on having an acting career, which is why he is successful.  Me and him hit it off and I'm sure well work together again(he loved my crazy six pitches at the meeting, he said I had something loose in my brain and that it was wonderful that way).  I felt that I made the impression I wanted.  

After all that, they still had to edit it in order to get it into the 48 hour Film Festival.  So it was a bunch of work.  Luckily I didn't direct or edit so I just slept that day. 

A few weeks later the festival happened at this big movie theatre in downtown Los Angeles.  Sure it's a film festival where most of the audience are the participants, but its still an audience.  Funny thing was I went to the wrong theatre and was almost late to get to the screening.  They were showing ours first.

I walked into the theatre, heard the first sentence, my own voice, through theatre speakers.  I started smiling.  I turned the corner and my big ass head was filling the entire movie screen.  Since I was on the side because I didn't have a chance to sit, I was shielded from everyone.  I could hear them laughing at the right parts.  My hands were over my mouth leaning against the side wall getting ready to wince at my acting, knowing that in this little area no one can see me writhe in pain at all my mistakes.  But instead, I ended up not wincing.  I was surprised that magnifying myself that big didn't make me look like complete shit.  I was thankful to the camera, the camera man, the cinematographer, the director, And the editor for making me look good(if I do, I know I looked as good as they can get me).  

It was just a weirdly out of body experience.  After this is all done I can put that as my first official IMDB credit.  Although I may be crew on some other project I helped on because I've done story boards for buddies movies and a all sorts of various stuff that may qualify in a weird way.  But this was the first that I was a big part of that I didn't write or direct.  And after that other people started writing for me, which in urn frees me up to write for my friends scenes and stuff. 

Writing Women

Through a weird set of circumstances I sort of am known as a dude who writes a lot of women characters.  That kind of came out of left field.  And lets face it, what the hell do I know about women?  Probably less than every dude I know since I can be like a hermit most of the time(you got to love emotional scars that should long be healed over, but whatever, at least they are healing).  But the first thing I wrote for that group had a lot of actors and I didn't want to do boyfriend/girlfriend dynamics, since my relationships have been shit and I have zero confidence with myself romantically.  Instead I focused on what it would be cool for these actors to play.  And somehow I lumped the female actors into a group of bad asses, which is funny because they are meeting men who are supposed o be bad asses, but are weak comparatively.  After that short, they all wanted to do a sequel, so I've been circling ideas for that.

But then at my school I also had a series of shorts plotted out for those actors, mainly the female ones because they approached me about writing something.  And with that, I want to focus on determination.  Not focus on traditional, stereotypical girl characters and motivations(which in most movies are just motivated around their men, and remember I don't know shit about relationships, so I don't focus on that).  I watched the Bedchel Test, a test most movies fail, where female characters are usually focused only on the male lead.  Plus I wanted to talk about wonderful women, not the cruel ones I've met in my life, those ones don't need a voice. Why not have female characters who can change everything themselves, where sex has nothing to do with it.

Utopian Ideal

My comic has three main characters(and a truck load of supporting).  One is a man suicidally bent on revenge.  The other a manipulative puppet master who wants to destroy empires.  And lastly, maybe most importantly, a female character who wants to save the world.  For her, I think of Neil Degrasse Tyson and Steve Jobs as character inspirations.  Her relationships are defined by her love of science, and how just like science, love has its highs and lows.  Every great invention has been used to do horrible things.  Science can be salvation but it can also be damnation. The field of physics and the millions of dollars spent on it led directly to the atom bomb.  Now imagine a woman who wants to make utopia, but knows fully well that it comes at an immeasurable cost.  See, I don't think that's cliche.  And how that reflects in her personal life is what the story is half about.  But yeah, somewhere in the future I left room for an epic romance.  Just don't know how those two will get together for that.  In fact I wrote that whole first volume and while there is mention and clues to her relationships and past, there is only one scene where romantic sparks fly, and that is only in a subtle way.  


Not really.  I realized on Labor Day that somehow along the way I stopped being awkward.  For the most part at least.  Still weird, just completely embraced it.  I'm happy with it for the most part.  Sure I need my female rocket sauce(i mean a good woman) to take me to a higher level, because right now I'm an aimless fireball.  But I sort of like the road I'm on enough, really a lot, and don't want to waste it on anything but passion.  It's how I view art and I made art my life, like people make things their religion.  Compromise, at least artistically is not what I'm about.  I want to make art, pure art, or at least as pure as I can get it from my brain to a piece of paper(or film).  So without compromise, without true fear I just told myself fine, I'll die this way, as whatever the hell kind of artist I am.  As long as I do it big and true.  That leaves no room for indecision or backing down, and definitely no room for desperation (that kills most art).  That puts me in the state of mind that I'm on a bullet train and I can't slow down if I ever want to get where I'm going, so you either need to come with or get the fuck off, because I'm going a thousand and miles an hour no matter what.  Really feeling that makes it hard to be awkward anymore.


The other day I acted as a Heroin addict(an impression I got from someone I knew) and my ex boyfriend is coming to try to get back together.  Had no idea  an hour before I was going to have a boyfriend at all, let alone played by one of my best friends out here, and had no idea two hours before that I'd even be doing that impression at all.  And the whole thing was a twisted version of something in my own life all reversed and distorted.  That's the sort of artistic truth I'm looking for.  However it mixes up, I like having a body of work that has some sort of poetic irony between my art and my life.


My ridiculous single hood started to seem nonsensical.  Even to me.  Sure I know people who are very attractive.  As attractive as possible, really.  But a lot of them are friends.  And sometimes to be honest I want them anyway.  Once I was drinking with a friend and I let my guard down and started flirting with her a little, and somehow towards the end I found out she was on a show I wanted to watch badly(I bought it the week before but didn't watch it, and I haven't bought shit in forever, so I wanted to watch it that bad not even knowing).  I was even a little star struck, but that was all mixed up with being a little tipsy, having a beautiful woman in front of me, and crushing a little all at the same time.  It's hard to be totally star struck when you are around them as real flesh and blood humans, and they are all fairly normal(for actors at least, its a different kind of normal).

The other day I was talking with a friend at school when another friend poked around the corner to change.  So she's in a bra and underwear and I'm trying to talk sentences n'shit, but that breaks down, you know.  She said, "oh, I change in front of you guys all the time", and the only reply that made sense came out of my mouth instantly, "yeah, but it never gets old."  So I am visually stimulated folks.  

But a few of my friends, they saw that despite all my bullshit about art and relentlessness I am just devastated about women and my past life with them. That's my shyness.  My only shyness.  I have zero confidence with women, in life I'm doing pretty well with my certainty, but that doesn't work here(I won't get into it this time, but 90% of everything I do has to do with certainty that I can do it, from experience, not confidence, which is an illusion, so things that rely on confidence, like me and women, that shit I suck at).  

I guess in some weird stupid rebellious sense I decided if I'm so bad with women I won't even bother with them unless they are irresistible.  Like if I can't have anything I will then go for the best.  I guess that's anti-logic, but like I said its my train, you can either get on or be left behind. It's a good ride to a great destination. In a sense it makes me laugh at girls boyfriends, because honestly they seem pretty fucking lame to me most of the time, and I think, okay, this girl isn't ambitious enough if that's all she wants(most men just don't impress me at all).  

It's a mixture of my insane lack of desperation(to a painful degree) and having a clearer path.  I don't care to be set up with someone(even the gorgeous women they have out there).  Technically I'm not looking at all.  I mean it helps that I have a lot of eye candy around but it hurts too.

Descending The Ocular Abyss

Anyway, someone did get my full attention, finally.   And before we get into this, I have to be somewhat vague about cool details(like where, or what the person looks like, because you never know who might be famous, and sometimes you do and so you can't say shit).  And really I just met this person so I'm still talking to other woman and am free to do whatever the hell I want.  But those others didn't have this connection with me.   Sure she was in a bikini and ridiculous looking, ridiculous like two pianos crashing together(sorry for stealing that, Magnetic Fields) or fireworks in your house.  Awesome basically.  That oh-shit-I-only-see-that-in-movies, look, and situation(she was coming out of the pool holding a beer for gods sakes).   And yeah, her eyes were hypnotic.  Somehow I took my first chance to meet her and she was cool and we started just joking and talking and somewhere in there, my mouth was moving, the conversation was still happening, but whatever is in me tripped and fell right into her eyes.  And whatever she had in her was pouring out through her eyes right into mine.  Just a normal conversation.  But shit was on now.  You can't fall into me and let me fall into you like that and its just fucking over.  

And then her boyfriend showed up.  Or whoever she was with.  But she was clearly with him.  And me with my missed opportunities, I'm used to twists of the knife, this shits old hat for me.  So in some deeply held moral irony I laughed at myself and said oh well let it go. Easy to tell yourself but my body and long unused parts of my brain wanted one thing now.  Everything.  But no, move on.  

Except that didn't happen.  Seriously something like magnetic attraction, not conscious at all on my part, I mean the checking out her perfection with my eyes, sure, that was deliberate and intentional.  No, I'm talking about like somehow we just ended up near each other and would talk and laugh but it was like an old Thought Balloon Man comic I drew where the color would come out of our eyes and caress and entwine each other in spirals.  

And really, since she was so attractive, and since I hate desperation in myself, I was wondering if any of this was real, maybe I had just blown a conversation out of proportion.  We never once said anything actually flirtatious.  It was so weirdly unspoken.  And I swear, when her dude showed up we both, instantly and nonchalantly ignored each other(I didn't want to see that guys hands on my woman, so I just turned away and did anything else).  It was hilarious.  Because it was so perfectly timed and choreographed.  When that happened like two times I started to suspect maybe there really was more going on.  

And I don't know exactly how this happened but towards the end she actually got my number.  I think part of my brain returned to its lizard origins.  This didn't phase me at all, but some little voice in the back of my mind is screaming holyshitholyshitholyshit nowaynowaynoway peoplenevergetwhattheywant!!!  But then sometimes they do.  But we're talking still and she's cool so I guess I'll find out.

I guess I just needed to remember that.  Inspiration, passion, purpose, drive.  Or just lust.  I don't know yet.  But it's encouraging either way.  That's why I'm picky about who I see.  Because I don't settle.  And because of girls like these, who'd come at me like that.


Okay, I need to update this site, put up a bunch of artwork, start an Etsy store to sell stuff, edit my graphic novel to be released next years, edit my Thought Balloon Man short story, finish the first issue of my science fiction/Futurist comic, write two scenes for those short I want to do for class, write that sequel for my acting group, and write a short for Brooks Laughton(my character) with the whole new status of things in my life and ideas.

Busy, but doing things I love.