Nov 2, 2014


*I edited lots of this way later so I just put an asterisk before the stuff I added.  See, I just did that.  You're already reading an edit, sucker.  No going back.

*I should put a disclaimer or something that I try to write these things very thought like with as little censoring as possible.  So sometimes I'm crude and stupid, like we all are in the back of our minds from time to time.  With contradictions and evolving ideas half thought out.  And shitty sentences.  This ain't an English class.  I save the proper stuff for my screenplays and characters.  This is dumb dirty thoughts.  And sorry for all the edits.

I'm going to just ramble a bit and get some random stuff out, so just tune out if you don't like personal stuff because I'm just going to conversate through some shit here like I know what I'm doing.

Still having this year of huge ups and downs.  I think I'm dizzy with it all.  With every bad thing a good thing happened but it was always soured.  I'd be broke and then get one of my dream jobs.  I'd do things I thought I'd never do, let alone be paid to do.  Then more shittiness.  Up and down, again and again, and not in the sexual way.

*Lets see, since I wrote this about two weeks ago I had to pay the union on my job, which made my rent check way too close, then my car broke down, then I bought a new one by trading it in, then I lost my phone( it was broken anyway and I had to buy a new one on Monday), then I finally got my big check for storyboarding, after that shit week of doing all the previous stuff with no money.  See what I mean.

I will get to these great stories someday I hope, but lack of inspiration has killed my writing.  So I'll explain what I can, but the detailed versions will have to wait for some other day I guess.


I have been working a bunch of completely different and unrelated jobs.   It's been painfully boring at times and crazy at others.  I did random jobs like driving people and working at a deli.  The driving people was interesting because how many random people I'd be stuck in a car with.  The deli job was interesting because it was one of the busiest in LA and I had to serve famous people every other day.

The trick is to pretend you have never seen them before in your life.  It works perfectly except the one time someone from the Office came in and I forgot the side characters names were the same as their real names, so when they guy gave me his order I looked at him weird for a second because it was his characters name.  Anyway, this pretending you have never seen them in your life came in handy the two times porn stars came in.  I remember I was talking to one and thinking, "oh, this is what she looks like when she isn't all sweaty and covered in goo"(For some reason I went PG there).

It's really disconcerting serving roast beef to a porno star.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe because I have to serve it I see it's just raw meat.  And for some reason I swear all the famous people eat roast beef.  Some of these celebrities are still alive today because of the roast beef I've served them.  Fucking sickos.  I mean I'll eat roast beef, okay, but you have to admit, its sort of fucking gross.  And serving it to porn stars just ruins something deep inside.  It's just one step too far.  It's one too many things for me to imagine going into their mouths.  It makes you think it must all be just meat to them.

I would eye fuck people when I got bored.  Didn't matter the age.  I'd just look to see something I find attractive and look as deeply into their eyes as possible and listen.  But about 50% of the time I swear there was this "is he? he is! oh." kind of look.  This is in all of like 3 seconds but it was like a little game I'd play at work to pass the time and alleviate the bullshit of serving customers.

*The best were girls in their forties.  That millisecond of naughty recognition.  And really this is all of a few seconds and then I just finish their order like its nothing.

Today for example my twelve year old crush came in.  Like from tv.  I was in love with her.  She was blond and her hair looked all soft and she'd wear those fucking fuzzy sweaters that look like heaven mist because underneath were boobies(I said I was twelve, right).  Anyway, she's beautiful still and she has a great personality.  And I seriously drop everything to help her when she's around.  It's funny.  And I don't think she's acted recently so I don't think she'd know I'd recognize her.  If I run into Jennifer Connelly I think that will  finish off the twelve year old crushes.  Also one of Jason Stackhouses ex girlfriends on True Blood use to come in and really, she was ridiculous pretty.  But I never talked to her casually.

*We served Chopped Liver at one point and it made me want to fucking puke.  I love 99% of the food there but that shit was torturous.  Every part of me hated every other part of me for volunteering to taste it.  I told my buddy later when I had to put it away, and grab it with a glove, and then recoiled in horror, I said, eww that feels like a hobos tit!

While that boring shit was happening I did art jobs on the side.  Some were pretty well paying.


I did my first official Storyboards for a commercial.  Whether it is ever filmed is another story ,but I'm done with my part.  Basically I'm given a rudimentary 1 paragraph script of each scene and then have to bust ass making up stuff to give the director a sense of how it would play out when filmed.  Then they would base the shots around those storyboards.  I had to draw so fast I rarely erased anything and never used a ruler.  I drew the interiors of stores and the exteriors with cities all without rulers.  It was that fast of a turn around.  And not something for indecisive artists.  And just to be an asshole I inked the storyboards with crow quill pen, pretty much the hardest pen to do fast inking with, since you have to dip it in ink and draw precisely in order to not make the ink run.  But it makes better straight lines the way it cuts into the paper.


A buddy I met in an acting group was directing a music video.  He asked me to do animation.  I admitted I never had done that.  He said give it your best shot.  I try to rise to every challenge so I took the gig and had a blast.  He even let me direct the camera men on some shots I'd like to use to animate later when I was on the set. The set involved a bar I liked in downtown Hollywood and a few dancers were friends of mine so it was a lot of fun.

Making the animation was interesting since I'm not a trained animator like so many I have known.  It was a combination of efficiency and trying to maintain a style.  It was conveyor belt like, but you somehow have to keep some poetry in it.  The art of it.  It was fun and challenging and I was thrilled to make it for a friend and be part of a production like that.


I never did find out anything about my comic.  I knew that happens.  I knew that it sometimes takes a really long time for anyone to even see it.  But still it sucked. I can say I've really had to up my art game in order to do these jobs.  They are quick and not precise like my comics, but the energy and creativity it took came from my comic, and now is expanded and can be put back in to make even better comics.


But like I said it was ups and downs.  so no closure on that(story of my fucking life), but then I got involved for a kickstarter for a comic anthology I had contributed a Thought Balloon Man story to.  It actually got fully funded and then some.  I'm proud to be a part of it, and I am lucky and I hope people see it.  Heres a link to the kickstarter.  It's the one where I say I want to fuck everyone's faces with my comics.


I've had a really hard time writing.  Somehow I'm getting this out like a courier getting a secret message past enemy lines. And yeah I've been down about all of these things with bills and loneliness.  Except I wasn't lonely.  I have a lot of people in my life.  No lack of people who care about me. Even attention. I just don't seem to care.

The victories, the progression, the moments, they were alone.  Just like the defeats.  I had my friends there, sure.  Sometimes even people who liked me a lot.  But no one to share it with.  I get my dream "back up" job doing storyboards, and it doesn't matter, just another day, eat some crap and sleep.  Whatever.  That's not a life.  Those things above would be so entertaining, but they are not alone.  They are empty.

And I guess I have to put this in perspective for people.  I once took a day trip with a girl I was seeing to Bodega Bay in northern California.  Drakes Bay is my favorite place,  but I had never been to Bodega Bay where they filmed Hitchcock's the Birds.  Plus its really pretty and I have an obsession with beautiful seasides.  An obsession that runs really deep.  I enjoyed it.  She enjoyed spending time with me. But it felt empty.  She didn't share that experience.  She was along for the ride.  And no judgement on her, she wasn't into that.  That's perfectly fine.  But not someone I'm connecting with.  That's when I knew it wasn't going anywhere for sure.

I need experiences.  I think I'm now old enough to finally see I am really just a person who needs more stimulation than other people.  Luckily drugs are not my thing or we can figure out how that would end up.  At best like Charlie Sheen.

But I still need more stimulation.  I'm not sure if I was born this way either.  I think I developed it.   Out of boredom.  So chicken or the egg. Whatever the case, it's who I am.  How I am.  And the things I love involve a lot of stimulation(well, art, storytelling, living life to the fullest, and sex).  But those stimulations were missing something.

I had connections.  But those were with girls very different from me.  I liked them and I was extremely attracted to them.  One because she understood something about me that was real and true and she saw it and after that there was always a closeness.  But she was too different.  And again, not in any bad way, just I'd have to be a different person for her.  A person I'd never be. There's of course more to that but it's between me and her.

And there was another.  Platonic.  Not in a bad way.  But I avoided her.  I was also super busy and had my mind on a million things.  I avoided her though because honestly she turned me on like crazy.  We met for some business, so I wasn't really thinking about the way she looks, but she looks good, okay.  After about five minutes I realized she was my kind of crazy and I decided to say what ever the fuck I felt, because thats how I speak to my close friends.  And she stared at me.  I sort of apologized, but in a way didn't, because thats the way I talk, I guess like this, but with dirty interludes.  So exactly like this.  It's different in person.  More broken and tangential.  I go on thirty minute long tangents and find ways to tie them to the beginning.  But I'm trying not to do that so back to the story--  She said that no one talks to her like that.  I think I did a sorry laugh and said whoops.  But she said, no, thats the way she talks.  So from there we were the best of friends.  But pervert friends.  Maybe because of how we talked.  But once, I was on her couch, and she was telling me a super dirty story.  That was nice.  I could handle that.  But then she saw a corner that had some stuff in it.  It needed to be cleaned.  But within that 2 by 2 foot square of floor, that woman bent over like she was doing a slow motion flip.  Like an aerobics expert(instructor didn't sound strong enough). Except in the shortest mini skirt I have ever seen in person.  I think this one figured out my weakness.  So this connection was really just physical.  And mostly on my part.  But I wasn't the only horny one.  I had a friendship connection but I was not emotionally into her past that(I love the gal, just not in that way). Regardless I could not stand up from that couch.  Some people have that effect on my pants.

*I still hang out with her, just rarely.  And the avoiding reason was the realization I was not ready for a woman like this, and we both knew it.  But we also knew I was really in the process of changing, and someday things would be very different.  And so I changed(I don't know, just I'm more me in some strange way, like that Nu- Hulk I once mentioned in a post, all himself but weird and strangely together).  And she mentioned it immediately.  So it's that sort of thing where depending on the weather shit might go down.

My work friend wants to set me up.  She's 18 and wanted to set me up with her friends.  I had teased her about my real age for weeks because she asked me if I was 25.  I eventually told her.  She tried to set me up with the bakery girl because the bakery girl looked like a frenchier Zoeyy Deschanel.  And you better believe I was on that shit at first sight, we had checked each other out a few times so I thought the game was on.  But as all women I know who don't act, she was so fucking taken.  I only know this because my friend went behind my back and said I thought the girl was cute.  After that my friend wanted to set me up with her friends and I said we need to make a ground rule, if they live with their parents I'm not dating them.  She said that eliminates all the girls she knows. I told her thats probably for the best.

*Well an important detail is already missing. The frenchier Zoeyy Deschanel was not just taken, she's engaged.  That's why I basically avoided her.  But, since my buddy blew that shit wide open, there is a very funny awkwardness between me and Fenchy over there.  Basically, what happened is that my buddy said her friend said Frenchy was cute.  Then my buddy came back and told me.  And I was like, wait who the hell else could you possibly be talking about? The only other dude here is in his fifties.  So I was all embarrassed.  From then on I haven't been to the bakery across the store from me, but her coworkers always come by and try to entice me to come over.  I'd think they don't know, except that Frenchy sometimes catches me taking a peek.  And sometimes I catch her. The other day we both did a double take at each other at the same time then started laughing.  But she's engaged so I stay away.  Even though I am intrigued by the lines on her.

And with all that I still felt like shit.  That wasn't what I needed.  Okay, what I needed, but not what I wanted.  I wanted more.  But the idea faded.  The one thing that could fuel me to do anything.  I've seen what inspiration can do when applied and nothing else works.  Not money, sex, and especially not comfort.

I had lost my sense of humor for most part after years of living in a shitty place.  Lost all hope, didn't smile, didn't trust anyone, and eventually didn't care.  I lost the people who loved me and understood me.

And then one day I turned my head and like opening an old wooden box, all the scents wafting out, sparking memories and emotions, it was like no time has passed since it was last opened.  Memories sweet, followed by the bitter aftertaste of the present.

The Box

I knew someone was coming in so I wasn't surprised, but the fact it was this person made me make this big goggle eyed wow face.  It was someone who really got me the first time we met, And that I was immediately into, but that was it.  She was gone faraway the very next week.  Another missed connection.  But the only one I really cared about since living down here.  I forgot my connection to her so I was amazed to see her round a corner more beautiful than ever(granted I saw her once before and she blew me away that time too).  And lets get this out of the way, I didn't know if she was taken but I suspected, and of course she was.  So it's that story again with me.  But still.

At one point I was sitting in one place away from her and I hadn't said a word because I didn't have the chance, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her.  She'd catch me and I'd smile, but it was no mercy I wanted her bad and would will my lust right the fuck into her form across the room.  But after getting caught and being all friendly about it by smiling it off a few times(seriously my eyes were eating her alive), I had to stop otherwise it would be staring.   Eventually I just got up, looked to the person sitting next to me who was oblivious to all of this and said, "fuck this, I can't stop looking at her, I need to change my seat or go crazy." and I actually sat out of eye sight of her because I just wasn't made to be friends with her, I want it all.

Eventually, I talked to her and we caught up.  I forgot how sexy her voice was.  I don't know what it was about it but it was smoky and smart and direct.  I forgot that, but she didn't forget anything.  She remembered and she cared.  That was all I wanted.  And then she was gone again, far away.

But the box was opened.  I wanted to be kick ass for her.  I wanted to make money and be successful for her.  I wanted to make movies and have great little trips and vacations and romantic shit I thought I'd never understand again.  I wanted to be touching her at all times.  I wanted to paint a fucking wall with every color to capture one moment of the sun glancing on her skin.  I wanted.  

And it was then it became clear I'm just a closed box of pain and love.  And I can't open it.  I can be honest and open about anything, but that release of emotions, I haven't had that really, with someone I love in more than a decade.  I haven't even loved anyone in a decade.  I don't remember it.  I don't believe anything anyone tells me because I'm used to every word being empty.  No amount of reassurance works on me.  I'm broken to people's love because I don't have that one person I want to open up to on a real deep level.

And all my guy friends are pretty happy hanging out with guys.  I do it all the time, but I'm never very thrilled about it.  And in a way that's really insensitive to my friends.  But I'm just somewhat unresponsive because I'm holding some little ember of love smoldering and that's all I have, nothing else left to give.

The solution is love.  It's stupid mother fucking love. And the worst part is you can't make that happen.  It just does or does not.  And it's a two person thing.  No one loves me.  But even if they did, I don't love anyone.  I can even say that with a laugh because it doesn't hurt me anymore.  I'm numb.  There are people who feel strongly about me but we don't have that kind of connection.  Aside from that girl walking in, I haven't been interested in anyone in a long time.  And that fire just went super nova and puffed out all in the course of a day.  Back in the box.

And it sits there rotting in that box.  Or at best mummifying.  And with that love, trust, and inspiration, goes my desire to communicate.  

*This needs some more explanation.  I basically stopped wanting to entertain people when I left Northern California.  People I knew.  I wanted to disappear from their life because I just wanted nothing to do with the place.  I didn't want to share one more moment with people that didn't give a shit about me.  It felt like that's all I ever did.  So I stopped being funny.  It disgusted me.  It felt like whoring.  Like sharing some intimate part of myself.  And sometimes it still feels that way.  And in some way I think I could have just faked it and faded into nothing and let people think I'm fine and end suddenly be badly, or I could be honest with myself and not share my life with the wrong people.  

*Acting, drawing my comic, and making all these friends have made me communicate with very different people, and it's helped me recover from that.  But I've learned my lesson about talking to people in the past, it always ends in deep hurt and disappointment and regret.  So that stuff, it goes in the box not to be looked at or thought about. Sometimes strong feelings, sometimes even art or things I draw, sometimes even people, they go in. All I know is I won't draw, write or think about certain things until I want to open that box.  If I am happy again.  

*And realistically, why would anyone want to deal with my shit and my problems.  I can't give you a good reason.  I get why my friends might.  But girls?  Nope.  I'm not even sure these are big problems or just my loneliness and lack of want for people who don't totally enthrall me(because the ones that do make me superhuman).

I'm Trying

I'm somehow still here.  And lately things have been a little bit Californication(the tv show, I need my own version of season 6) so my complaints are weird.  But they exist.  I'm writing.  At least, I wrote this.  But I'm venting so I needed to.  Being quiet is worse.  I don't want to end up like Robin Williams.

So I've been trying to just work.  I worked out some teaser material for something to sell starring me, film wise.  My big issue with all this lack of inspiration is I don't want to write and that makes it so I don't make my comics or my potential films.  I'm the thing hindering my success.  But, like I said I'm trying.  And besides that there are good things.  Or at least distracting.


I'm living with three roommates.  One of them moved in recently and another is on my couch after moving out from an exes.  And the last I lived with here since January.  Three guys and one girl.  Our apartment is big so it works out and I have my own room and it is the biggest, so I'm happy.  We are all actors and we all met at our school.  Everybody is rehearsing all the time.  And then with musicians next door, its sort of one big party. all the noise next door and then I can go to my room which is nice and quiet.

Once I was walking through the living room and my female roommate was watching tv.  I went to the kitchen and for some food, walked back through the living room and heard her say something, but not to me.  I turned anyway and she was on tv.  Prime time tv on a cooking segment on a major network.  I was like "wait, you're...but" and she was just watching it to see how it turned out.  that kind of thing happens.  Then since Im starting to know so many people my friend gets cast in a short film and he says I know the lead.  Turns out to be this girl I drew more than a year ago when I did a shoot at this big rented out studio.  We acted in separate segments but hung out for the hours in-between our scenes.


*Ollie is pretty popular in this joint.  Like the apartment mascot.  My other pet, Monkey, stays in my room and act crazy in there when I let him out, but Oliver kind of rules the roost.  And since he talks to everyone they respect him.  He is like a gigantic super smart and aware cat. And me and him have sort of a father son relationship, except when we talk, it sounds like Han Solo and Chewbacca talking.  Arguments and opinions flying on why he can't eat my human food, with him countering with different questions and then getting pissed.  He has totally done that Lassie trick where he has asked for Water or Food when he is low in very complicated ways.  But yeah, my roommates are surprised that our conversations make a little sense.  They always end in a kiss and a hug.

The Couch

Even as I wrote the first half of this, my buddy on the couch brought a girl with him, and just left her here while I'm writing my blog and watching South Park on the couch.  And maybe I'm a slut and not just an eye fucking slut.  But of course I started telling her dirty jokes and making her laugh.  Something about dripping honey on my pajamas by accident, and then the next day thinking I jizzed myself.  And then going through my night trying to figure out what I did or if I had a special dream or something.  And then washing and nothing happening because it's dried honey.  And then I pointed to my crotch.  Yes I really said that upon first meeting her, and yes it went over well somehow.  She wasn't gonna forget my ass.  But she's my friend's girl so I was just flirting.  But I told him later, "Dude, you really gonna leave a girl I never met in a half shirt and tight everything on a couch with me?"  And that all happened in the middle of writing all this.

*Okay, an important note here.  I have rarely said anything that crazy to a girl(unless I knew them very well)especially the first time I meet them.  For example I have never talked in any manner like that with my room mate.  Some girls don't give a shit and give me a vibe and I talk very different.  Other don't and I talk like a normal human being like I do at work.


Maybe I'm just girl crazy and looking now that I have a breath.  Maybe I'm just searching for that particular sort of inspiration that works for me.  Honestly a few of these stories took place months back.  The box opening was a few weeks ago.  And the couch was a few hours ago.  And all these girls were different races.  Only a few of them white(I'm imagining people thought I was talking about all white girls).  Some of them I have drawn.

I did work on a script with my friend.  It was just finishing off a pretty detailed comedy outline I was working on.  A Brooks Laughton thing.  He's a character I made up that I wrote a ton of material for.  It got the juices going a little.  But I still need to write a bit more before we start working on filming it.  It's a long teaser for investors to make a bigger movie with actual money.  All I have to do is write it.  I have all the equipment and support, I just need to finally do it.

So hopefully when I get some time and happiness I'll get to my graduation week and how much fun craziness that was.  A great week in my life.  Plus a buddy gave me free head shots because he's building up his business so I have a bunch of pictures.


*P.s.: I saw one of my best friends down here on Greys Anatomy.  It was great because it was a moment in life where you see a friend and I guess because it was following the leads and they walking into a room and there he was, it had that feeling like if I turned a corner to see him like I have a hundred times before, except there he is on tv, looking exactly the same(because for some reason I just assume everyone will look different somehow) and acting like the character, but it's still him on some level, but still nothing like him.  It was just weird and awesome.

*P.p.s.: I bought a new car and it's pretty cool.  I'm lucky I brought my roommate because the owner was so in love with her he totally cut me a deal.  I was sitting there, like of yeah, she's pretty, sorry I have tunnel vision sometimes.  Anyway, the car is nice looking and fast.   Better than I thought I could get, but I had a nice car to trade in so it worked out.

P.ppps: I went to my friends Halloween party as Tony Stark.  I just bought an Iron Man glove and glowy chest Uni-beam thing to stick on my t-shirt.  I only knew the hosts, two beautiful twin actors, who I rarely draw because they look way too much like an ex of mine(who is also beautiful and aged at the same pace as me, as in she looks way young, even twenty years later).  I had to explain this to one of the sisters because she asked why I don't draw them much. I said it felt wrong.  

People kept passing me at that party, looking from my arm, with the glove, then to my glowing chest emblem, still in confusion, and then to my face and then they'd laugh and say "Oh, Tony 
Stark!"  It was fun.