Nov 2, 2014


*I edited lots of this way later so I just put an asterisk before the stuff I added.  See, I just did that.  You're already reading an edit, sucker.  No going back.

*I should put a disclaimer or something that I try to write these things very thought like with as little censoring as possible.  So sometimes I'm crude and stupid, like we all are in the back of our minds from time to time.  With contradictions and evolving ideas half thought out.  And shitty sentences.  This ain't an English class.  I save the proper stuff for my screenplays and characters.  This is dumb dirty thoughts.  And sorry for all the edits.

I'm going to just ramble a bit and get some random stuff out, so just tune out if you don't like personal stuff because I'm just going to conversate through some shit here like I know what I'm doing.

Still having this year of huge ups and downs.  I think I'm dizzy with it all.  With every bad thing a good thing happened but it was always soured.  I'd be broke and then get one of my dream jobs.  I'd do things I thought I'd never do, let alone be paid to do.  Then more shittiness.  Up and down, again and again, and not in the sexual way.

*Lets see, since I wrote this about two weeks ago I had to pay the union on my job, which made my rent check way too close, then my car broke down, then I bought a new one by trading it in, then I lost my phone( it was broken anyway and I had to buy a new one on Monday), then I finally got my big check for storyboarding, after that shit week of doing all the previous stuff with no money.  See what I mean.

I will get to these great stories someday I hope, but lack of inspiration has killed my writing.  So I'll explain what I can, but the detailed versions will have to wait for some other day I guess.


I have been working a bunch of completely different and unrelated jobs.   It's been painfully boring at times and crazy at others.  I did random jobs like driving people and working at a deli.  The driving people was interesting because how many random people I'd be stuck in a car with.  The deli job was interesting because it was one of the busiest in LA and I had to serve famous people every other day.

The trick is to pretend you have never seen them before in your life.  It works perfectly except the one time someone from the Office came in and I forgot the side characters names were the same as their real names, so when they guy gave me his order I looked at him weird for a second because it was his characters name.  Anyway, this pretending you have never seen them in your life came in handy the two times porn stars came in.  I remember I was talking to one and thinking, "oh, this is what she looks like when she isn't all sweaty and covered in goo"(For some reason I went PG there).

It's really disconcerting serving roast beef to a porno star.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe because I have to serve it I see it's just raw meat.  And for some reason I swear all the famous people eat roast beef.  Some of these celebrities are still alive today because of the roast beef I've served them.  Fucking sickos.  I mean I'll eat roast beef, okay, but you have to admit, its sort of fucking gross.  And serving it to porn stars just ruins something deep inside.  It's just one step too far.  It's one too many things for me to imagine going into their mouths.  It makes you think it must all be just meat to them.

I would eye fuck people when I got bored.  Didn't matter the age.  I'd just look to see something I find attractive and look as deeply into their eyes as possible and listen.  But about 50% of the time I swear there was this "is he? he is! oh." kind of look.  This is in all of like 3 seconds but it was like a little game I'd play at work to pass the time and alleviate the bullshit of serving customers.

*The best were girls in their forties.  That millisecond of naughty recognition.  And really this is all of a few seconds and then I just finish their order like its nothing.

Today for example my twelve year old crush came in.  Like from tv.  I was in love with her.  She was blond and her hair looked all soft and she'd wear those fucking fuzzy sweaters that look like heaven mist because underneath were boobies(I said I was twelve, right).  Anyway, she's beautiful still and she has a great personality.  And I seriously drop everything to help her when she's around.  It's funny.  And I don't think she's acted recently so I don't think she'd know I'd recognize her.  If I run into Jennifer Connelly I think that will  finish off the twelve year old crushes.  Also one of Jason Stackhouses ex girlfriends on True Blood use to come in and really, she was ridiculous pretty.  But I never talked to her casually.

*We served Chopped Liver at one point and it made me want to fucking puke.  I love 99% of the food there but that shit was torturous.  Every part of me hated every other part of me for volunteering to taste it.  I told my buddy later when I had to put it away, and grab it with a glove, and then recoiled in horror, I said, eww that feels like a hobos tit!

While that boring shit was happening I did art jobs on the side.  Some were pretty well paying.


I did my first official Storyboards for a commercial.  Whether it is ever filmed is another story ,but I'm done with my part.  Basically I'm given a rudimentary 1 paragraph script of each scene and then have to bust ass making up stuff to give the director a sense of how it would play out when filmed.  Then they would base the shots around those storyboards.  I had to draw so fast I rarely erased anything and never used a ruler.  I drew the interiors of stores and the exteriors with cities all without rulers.  It was that fast of a turn around.  And not something for indecisive artists.  And just to be an asshole I inked the storyboards with crow quill pen, pretty much the hardest pen to do fast inking with, since you have to dip it in ink and draw precisely in order to not make the ink run.  But it makes better straight lines the way it cuts into the paper.


A buddy I met in an acting group was directing a music video.  He asked me to do animation.  I admitted I never had done that.  He said give it your best shot.  I try to rise to every challenge so I took the gig and had a blast.  He even let me direct the camera men on some shots I'd like to use to animate later when I was on the set. The set involved a bar I liked in downtown Hollywood and a few dancers were friends of mine so it was a lot of fun.

Making the animation was interesting since I'm not a trained animator like so many I have known.  It was a combination of efficiency and trying to maintain a style.  It was conveyor belt like, but you somehow have to keep some poetry in it.  The art of it.  It was fun and challenging and I was thrilled to make it for a friend and be part of a production like that.


I never did find out anything about my comic.  I knew that happens.  I knew that it sometimes takes a really long time for anyone to even see it.  But still it sucked. I can say I've really had to up my art game in order to do these jobs.  They are quick and not precise like my comics, but the energy and creativity it took came from my comic, and now is expanded and can be put back in to make even better comics.


But like I said it was ups and downs.  so no closure on that(story of my fucking life), but then I got involved for a kickstarter for a comic anthology I had contributed a Thought Balloon Man story to.  It actually got fully funded and then some.  I'm proud to be a part of it, and I am lucky and I hope people see it.  Heres a link to the kickstarter.  It's the one where I say I want to fuck everyone's faces with my comics.


I've had a really hard time writing.  Somehow I'm getting this out like a courier getting a secret message past enemy lines. And yeah I've been down about all of these things with bills and loneliness.  Except I wasn't lonely.  I have a lot of people in my life.  No lack of people who care about me. Even attention. I just don't seem to care.

The victories, the progression, the moments, they were alone.  Just like the defeats.  I had my friends there, sure.  Sometimes even people who liked me a lot.  But no one to share it with.  I get my dream "back up" job doing storyboards, and it doesn't matter, just another day, eat some crap and sleep.  Whatever.  That's not a life.  Those things above would be so entertaining, but they are not alone.  They are empty.

And I guess I have to put this in perspective for people.  I once took a day trip with a girl I was seeing to Bodega Bay in northern California.  Drakes Bay is my favorite place,  but I had never been to Bodega Bay where they filmed Hitchcock's the Birds.  Plus its really pretty and I have an obsession with beautiful seasides.  An obsession that runs really deep.  I enjoyed it.  She enjoyed spending time with me. But it felt empty.  She didn't share that experience.  She was along for the ride.  And no judgement on her, she wasn't into that.  That's perfectly fine.  But not someone I'm connecting with.  That's when I knew it wasn't going anywhere for sure.

I need experiences.  I think I'm now old enough to finally see I am really just a person who needs more stimulation than other people.  Luckily drugs are not my thing or we can figure out how that would end up.  At best like Charlie Sheen.

But I still need more stimulation.  I'm not sure if I was born this way either.  I think I developed it.   Out of boredom.  So chicken or the egg. Whatever the case, it's who I am.  How I am.  And the things I love involve a lot of stimulation(well, art, storytelling, living life to the fullest, and sex).  But those stimulations were missing something.

I had connections.  But those were with girls very different from me.  I liked them and I was extremely attracted to them.  One because she understood something about me that was real and true and she saw it and after that there was always a closeness.  But she was too different.  And again, not in any bad way, just I'd have to be a different person for her.  A person I'd never be. There's of course more to that but it's between me and her.

And there was another.  Platonic.  Not in a bad way.  But I avoided her.  I was also super busy and had my mind on a million things.  I avoided her though because honestly she turned me on like crazy.  We met for some business, so I wasn't really thinking about the way she looks, but she looks good, okay.  After about five minutes I realized she was my kind of crazy and I decided to say what ever the fuck I felt, because thats how I speak to my close friends.  And she stared at me.  I sort of apologized, but in a way didn't, because thats the way I talk, I guess like this, but with dirty interludes.  So exactly like this.  It's different in person.  More broken and tangential.  I go on thirty minute long tangents and find ways to tie them to the beginning.  But I'm trying not to do that so back to the story--  She said that no one talks to her like that.  I think I did a sorry laugh and said whoops.  But she said, no, thats the way she talks.  So from there we were the best of friends.  But pervert friends.  Maybe because of how we talked.  But once, I was on her couch, and she was telling me a super dirty story.  That was nice.  I could handle that.  But then she saw a corner that had some stuff in it.  It needed to be cleaned.  But within that 2 by 2 foot square of floor, that woman bent over like she was doing a slow motion flip.  Like an aerobics expert(instructor didn't sound strong enough). Except in the shortest mini skirt I have ever seen in person.  I think this one figured out my weakness.  So this connection was really just physical.  And mostly on my part.  But I wasn't the only horny one.  I had a friendship connection but I was not emotionally into her past that(I love the gal, just not in that way). Regardless I could not stand up from that couch.  Some people have that effect on my pants.

*I still hang out with her, just rarely.  And the avoiding reason was the realization I was not ready for a woman like this, and we both knew it.  But we also knew I was really in the process of changing, and someday things would be very different.  And so I changed(I don't know, just I'm more me in some strange way, like that Nu- Hulk I once mentioned in a post, all himself but weird and strangely together).  And she mentioned it immediately.  So it's that sort of thing where depending on the weather shit might go down.

My work friend wants to set me up.  She's 18 and wanted to set me up with her friends.  I had teased her about my real age for weeks because she asked me if I was 25.  I eventually told her.  She tried to set me up with the bakery girl because the bakery girl looked like a frenchier Zoeyy Deschanel.  And you better believe I was on that shit at first sight, we had checked each other out a few times so I thought the game was on.  But as all women I know who don't act, she was so fucking taken.  I only know this because my friend went behind my back and said I thought the girl was cute.  After that my friend wanted to set me up with her friends and I said we need to make a ground rule, if they live with their parents I'm not dating them.  She said that eliminates all the girls she knows. I told her thats probably for the best.

*Well an important detail is already missing. The frenchier Zoeyy Deschanel was not just taken, she's engaged.  That's why I basically avoided her.  But, since my buddy blew that shit wide open, there is a very funny awkwardness between me and Fenchy over there.  Basically, what happened is that my buddy said her friend said Frenchy was cute.  Then my buddy came back and told me.  And I was like, wait who the hell else could you possibly be talking about? The only other dude here is in his fifties.  So I was all embarrassed.  From then on I haven't been to the bakery across the store from me, but her coworkers always come by and try to entice me to come over.  I'd think they don't know, except that Frenchy sometimes catches me taking a peek.  And sometimes I catch her. The other day we both did a double take at each other at the same time then started laughing.  But she's engaged so I stay away.  Even though I am intrigued by the lines on her.

And with all that I still felt like shit.  That wasn't what I needed.  Okay, what I needed, but not what I wanted.  I wanted more.  But the idea faded.  The one thing that could fuel me to do anything.  I've seen what inspiration can do when applied and nothing else works.  Not money, sex, and especially not comfort.

I had lost my sense of humor for most part after years of living in a shitty place.  Lost all hope, didn't smile, didn't trust anyone, and eventually didn't care.  I lost the people who loved me and understood me.

And then one day I turned my head and like opening an old wooden box, all the scents wafting out, sparking memories and emotions, it was like no time has passed since it was last opened.  Memories sweet, followed by the bitter aftertaste of the present.

The Box

I knew someone was coming in so I wasn't surprised, but the fact it was this person made me make this big goggle eyed wow face.  It was someone who really got me the first time we met, And that I was immediately into, but that was it.  She was gone faraway the very next week.  Another missed connection.  But the only one I really cared about since living down here.  I forgot my connection to her so I was amazed to see her round a corner more beautiful than ever(granted I saw her once before and she blew me away that time too).  And lets get this out of the way, I didn't know if she was taken but I suspected, and of course she was.  So it's that story again with me.  But still.

At one point I was sitting in one place away from her and I hadn't said a word because I didn't have the chance, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her.  She'd catch me and I'd smile, but it was no mercy I wanted her bad and would will my lust right the fuck into her form across the room.  But after getting caught and being all friendly about it by smiling it off a few times(seriously my eyes were eating her alive), I had to stop otherwise it would be staring.   Eventually I just got up, looked to the person sitting next to me who was oblivious to all of this and said, "fuck this, I can't stop looking at her, I need to change my seat or go crazy." and I actually sat out of eye sight of her because I just wasn't made to be friends with her, I want it all.

Eventually, I talked to her and we caught up.  I forgot how sexy her voice was.  I don't know what it was about it but it was smoky and smart and direct.  I forgot that, but she didn't forget anything.  She remembered and she cared.  That was all I wanted.  And then she was gone again, far away.

But the box was opened.  I wanted to be kick ass for her.  I wanted to make money and be successful for her.  I wanted to make movies and have great little trips and vacations and romantic shit I thought I'd never understand again.  I wanted to be touching her at all times.  I wanted to paint a fucking wall with every color to capture one moment of the sun glancing on her skin.  I wanted.  

And it was then it became clear I'm just a closed box of pain and love.  And I can't open it.  I can be honest and open about anything, but that release of emotions, I haven't had that really, with someone I love in more than a decade.  I haven't even loved anyone in a decade.  I don't remember it.  I don't believe anything anyone tells me because I'm used to every word being empty.  No amount of reassurance works on me.  I'm broken to people's love because I don't have that one person I want to open up to on a real deep level.

And all my guy friends are pretty happy hanging out with guys.  I do it all the time, but I'm never very thrilled about it.  And in a way that's really insensitive to my friends.  But I'm just somewhat unresponsive because I'm holding some little ember of love smoldering and that's all I have, nothing else left to give.

The solution is love.  It's stupid mother fucking love. And the worst part is you can't make that happen.  It just does or does not.  And it's a two person thing.  No one loves me.  But even if they did, I don't love anyone.  I can even say that with a laugh because it doesn't hurt me anymore.  I'm numb.  There are people who feel strongly about me but we don't have that kind of connection.  Aside from that girl walking in, I haven't been interested in anyone in a long time.  And that fire just went super nova and puffed out all in the course of a day.  Back in the box.

And it sits there rotting in that box.  Or at best mummifying.  And with that love, trust, and inspiration, goes my desire to communicate.  

*This needs some more explanation.  I basically stopped wanting to entertain people when I left Northern California.  People I knew.  I wanted to disappear from their life because I just wanted nothing to do with the place.  I didn't want to share one more moment with people that didn't give a shit about me.  It felt like that's all I ever did.  So I stopped being funny.  It disgusted me.  It felt like whoring.  Like sharing some intimate part of myself.  And sometimes it still feels that way.  And in some way I think I could have just faked it and faded into nothing and let people think I'm fine and end suddenly be badly, or I could be honest with myself and not share my life with the wrong people.  

*Acting, drawing my comic, and making all these friends have made me communicate with very different people, and it's helped me recover from that.  But I've learned my lesson about talking to people in the past, it always ends in deep hurt and disappointment and regret.  So that stuff, it goes in the box not to be looked at or thought about. Sometimes strong feelings, sometimes even art or things I draw, sometimes even people, they go in. All I know is I won't draw, write or think about certain things until I want to open that box.  If I am happy again.  

*And realistically, why would anyone want to deal with my shit and my problems.  I can't give you a good reason.  I get why my friends might.  But girls?  Nope.  I'm not even sure these are big problems or just my loneliness and lack of want for people who don't totally enthrall me(because the ones that do make me superhuman).

I'm Trying

I'm somehow still here.  And lately things have been a little bit Californication(the tv show, I need my own version of season 6) so my complaints are weird.  But they exist.  I'm writing.  At least, I wrote this.  But I'm venting so I needed to.  Being quiet is worse.  I don't want to end up like Robin Williams.

So I've been trying to just work.  I worked out some teaser material for something to sell starring me, film wise.  My big issue with all this lack of inspiration is I don't want to write and that makes it so I don't make my comics or my potential films.  I'm the thing hindering my success.  But, like I said I'm trying.  And besides that there are good things.  Or at least distracting.


I'm living with three roommates.  One of them moved in recently and another is on my couch after moving out from an exes.  And the last I lived with here since January.  Three guys and one girl.  Our apartment is big so it works out and I have my own room and it is the biggest, so I'm happy.  We are all actors and we all met at our school.  Everybody is rehearsing all the time.  And then with musicians next door, its sort of one big party. all the noise next door and then I can go to my room which is nice and quiet.

Once I was walking through the living room and my female roommate was watching tv.  I went to the kitchen and for some food, walked back through the living room and heard her say something, but not to me.  I turned anyway and she was on tv.  Prime time tv on a cooking segment on a major network.  I was like "wait, you're...but" and she was just watching it to see how it turned out.  that kind of thing happens.  Then since Im starting to know so many people my friend gets cast in a short film and he says I know the lead.  Turns out to be this girl I drew more than a year ago when I did a shoot at this big rented out studio.  We acted in separate segments but hung out for the hours in-between our scenes.


*Ollie is pretty popular in this joint.  Like the apartment mascot.  My other pet, Monkey, stays in my room and act crazy in there when I let him out, but Oliver kind of rules the roost.  And since he talks to everyone they respect him.  He is like a gigantic super smart and aware cat. And me and him have sort of a father son relationship, except when we talk, it sounds like Han Solo and Chewbacca talking.  Arguments and opinions flying on why he can't eat my human food, with him countering with different questions and then getting pissed.  He has totally done that Lassie trick where he has asked for Water or Food when he is low in very complicated ways.  But yeah, my roommates are surprised that our conversations make a little sense.  They always end in a kiss and a hug.

The Couch

Even as I wrote the first half of this, my buddy on the couch brought a girl with him, and just left her here while I'm writing my blog and watching South Park on the couch.  And maybe I'm a slut and not just an eye fucking slut.  But of course I started telling her dirty jokes and making her laugh.  Something about dripping honey on my pajamas by accident, and then the next day thinking I jizzed myself.  And then going through my night trying to figure out what I did or if I had a special dream or something.  And then washing and nothing happening because it's dried honey.  And then I pointed to my crotch.  Yes I really said that upon first meeting her, and yes it went over well somehow.  She wasn't gonna forget my ass.  But she's my friend's girl so I was just flirting.  But I told him later, "Dude, you really gonna leave a girl I never met in a half shirt and tight everything on a couch with me?"  And that all happened in the middle of writing all this.

*Okay, an important note here.  I have rarely said anything that crazy to a girl(unless I knew them very well)especially the first time I meet them.  For example I have never talked in any manner like that with my room mate.  Some girls don't give a shit and give me a vibe and I talk very different.  Other don't and I talk like a normal human being like I do at work.


Maybe I'm just girl crazy and looking now that I have a breath.  Maybe I'm just searching for that particular sort of inspiration that works for me.  Honestly a few of these stories took place months back.  The box opening was a few weeks ago.  And the couch was a few hours ago.  And all these girls were different races.  Only a few of them white(I'm imagining people thought I was talking about all white girls).  Some of them I have drawn.

I did work on a script with my friend.  It was just finishing off a pretty detailed comedy outline I was working on.  A Brooks Laughton thing.  He's a character I made up that I wrote a ton of material for.  It got the juices going a little.  But I still need to write a bit more before we start working on filming it.  It's a long teaser for investors to make a bigger movie with actual money.  All I have to do is write it.  I have all the equipment and support, I just need to finally do it.

So hopefully when I get some time and happiness I'll get to my graduation week and how much fun craziness that was.  A great week in my life.  Plus a buddy gave me free head shots because he's building up his business so I have a bunch of pictures.


*P.s.: I saw one of my best friends down here on Greys Anatomy.  It was great because it was a moment in life where you see a friend and I guess because it was following the leads and they walking into a room and there he was, it had that feeling like if I turned a corner to see him like I have a hundred times before, except there he is on tv, looking exactly the same(because for some reason I just assume everyone will look different somehow) and acting like the character, but it's still him on some level, but still nothing like him.  It was just weird and awesome.

*P.p.s.: I bought a new car and it's pretty cool.  I'm lucky I brought my roommate because the owner was so in love with her he totally cut me a deal.  I was sitting there, like of yeah, she's pretty, sorry I have tunnel vision sometimes.  Anyway, the car is nice looking and fast.   Better than I thought I could get, but I had a nice car to trade in so it worked out.

P.ppps: I went to my friends Halloween party as Tony Stark.  I just bought an Iron Man glove and glowy chest Uni-beam thing to stick on my t-shirt.  I only knew the hosts, two beautiful twin actors, who I rarely draw because they look way too much like an ex of mine(who is also beautiful and aged at the same pace as me, as in she looks way young, even twenty years later).  I had to explain this to one of the sisters because she asked why I don't draw them much. I said it felt wrong.  

People kept passing me at that party, looking from my arm, with the glove, then to my glowing chest emblem, still in confusion, and then to my face and then they'd laugh and say "Oh, Tony 
Stark!"  It was fun.

Jul 4, 2014


Man, I've just been having the best and worst time ever.  Looking for work, then acting, then being busy all the time, then helping out on sets, then all over again.  If anything the ironic part is that I'm way thinner and have to look at boobs all day in my misery.  

I did a week on a horror movie set.  That was fucking awesome.  I was paid, had room and board and free food.  And then I got to shoot a horror movie too.  I don't know if horror movies are bringing back the cleavage, but this one had an ample amount and I had to sit there all day doing sound for it.
The best part was when I actually flinched at a death scene. It's so not real when you are there because you see all the work and stuff put into it. I saw a fake throat glued on a girl with tubes of blood running behind.  Then the bad guy used gardening sheers for the job. All of these things were slow and not real looking(you'd only see about a second or two of some of these shots so that edits out the fake stuff).  But then they pumped the blood in and it squirted everywhere.  Up walls, toward the ceiling, everywhere.  and then a clot got stuck in one of the tubes so when the special effects artist pushed more out it squirted hard into the air.  And the whole time the actor was just making the worst gurgling noises ever.  So even I got grossed out.
One thing you find out on set is that there is a massive amount of downtime.  As long as you are not the crew.  I barely did anything because I only did sound and that was still a lot of work.  And the actors may only have an hour or two at a time but it's really physical and hard. Many times these poor actors were drenched in blood in forty degree weather.

At one point they cut the fingers of a fake hand in a scene with all this blood flying everywhere.  the girl was covered in mud and blood so she went inside to shower.  the director thought of a cool shot involving the fingers and tried to collect them but one was missing.  The actor was in the shower getting mud leaves and blood out of her hair when one of the fingers fell out.

This set was really comfortable because it was in a gigantic vacation home in Lake Arrowhead.   Actors and crew stayed nights.  There was like 8 other room that had people, so it was spacious.  And the only times I shared rooms were with other actors or special effects people.  It's funny because South California is the only place where you can have long conversations with people and hang out for a few days before even knowing that some are famous already.  
I've never been on a huge set.  In fact this is the biggest single set I've worked on.  I have been in huge studios with dozens of sets(last year).  Usually everyone is strictly relegated to their work mates.  As in crew stick with crew and actors stick with actors.  Sometimes thats a natural separation, sometimes it is imposed by management.  This was not that.  I'm the kind of guy who made do the sound guy job, but I'm not going to be known for that.  I like crew people, they are generally pretty relaxed but hard workers.  But the separation like I'm not an actor or the many other things I do is not something I'm gonna go with.  And on this set there wasn't any of that bullshit.  Just a nice cozy atmosphere of camping with friends and family(three people on set were family which made for a more comfortable atmosphere of teamwork).  

Anyway, there was a lot of crazy set dressing and hot women and boobs and blood.  It was a nice sort of information overload.  But then I had to do an acting thing that involved me staring and perving out about my partners breasts(I have two orgasms over them in the scene, so it was like that).  At first I did it, but felt a little naughty because its hard to shake the person you are versus the person you are acting as, sometimes.  I felt guilty sometimes, because of the amount I had to look at boobs.  Of course I got over that in like 4 seconds everytime I acted, but still.  Then the other day I'm in line and I catch myself transfixed by this women's boobs and I'm like oh shit, now I can't stop.  I'm still a butt and leg man all the way, but there has been some forced boob therapy going on here and I'm starting to fall for it.  

And still my favorite part is the preparations.  I mean it's fun being able to just look at random hot actors boobs, but I like how every time I work with actresses that ask me what they should wear and then proceed to show me the most dirty hot clothes ever and change into them and then I get to decide which is best.  Thats my favorite part, because thats just two people playing dress up off camera.
And somehow this has become normal in my life.  Lots of craziness(and this is cutting half of the stories out because they are too personal and about people who may someday be known or are already).  And best of all, and even more ironic, all of these scenarios were set about by women.  I didn't pick the part, the gig, the scene, or my partners.  It was always teachers and buddies, all female(except the last one scene I did because I knew me and the girl's chemistry would really work together, so I picked her, and it exceeded my expectations.  I didn't draw her for a while because she looked a lot like a beautiful ex of mine, side story.) The whole thing is always a bonding experiance.

So the other day, I was just super down about stuff and an ex acting partner of mine told me her husband needed an actor.  So we filmed at my apartment without dialogue, so it was all about being silent and funny, which is a nice challenge.  And filming at my house is basically the most comfortable thing ever.  Plenty of Adrian costumes upstairs.  My cat, my ferret, my artwork.  It's just comfortable. And the moment we started filming all my worries melted away.  Because acting is so much fun.  Plus the director thought I was 27 which gave me a good old laugh.
My comic is still in the approval process.  If it's rejected I don't know.  It all takes many months.  

The photos are from Lake Arrowhead.  The drawings are of a friend.  I drew on the backside of the drawing because I love the way the markers bleed through, and it was a second try at trying to accurately portray her beautiful skin.  The dancing woman was a sketch I found in faint pencil and just slathered some ink onto.

We'll see where all this crazy shit takes me, I guess.  So until next time.  It's Fourth of July and my neighbor is having a pool party in our apartment complex(he's a musician, and he kicks ass.  I found a blunt of his on the stairs and left him a note so we're buddies now, I guess.). I might meet up with my friends from school for the fireworks, at least that was the plan, but until then I'm going to this sudden pool party.  


P.S.: I stole the name of this post from a place in the Steven Erikson book "Reapers Gale".  That week in Lake Arrowhead was a refuge, so Refugium fit.  Plus I love the words Erikson makes in his most epically frustrating ten book series ever(finishing book 7 this week).  

P.P.S.: Billy Bob Thornton is the speaker at my graduation.  Last year it was Tom Cruise, and previous years were Hanks, Berry, Penn, Hoffman, and other masters of acting.  I took many years to be convinced on Thornton.  But eventually he became a patron saint becaus of his massive will to do the job.  He has a mystique about him that makes an Angelina Jolie love him.  He made himself.  And everyone saw it.  And that is something I want.  I'm old, ugly, and not one to be expected to get great things, but only giving up makes that true.  Thornton had all these problems and overcame them. I'm looking forward to meeting him or at least hearing him speak.

Apr 7, 2014


I've been doing commissions and character designs and fixing up storyboards for jobs while looking for more work.  That's to tide me over while work on developing my carreers(comics, movies).  Luckily I live in the right place(near a lot of the studios) and all that practice drawing hundreds of comic pages makes drawing storyboards and character design fairly easy for me.

But of course my main goal is to get my comic published and I have sent my pitch out.  Haven't gotten a rejection letter yet so we'll see what happens.  I'm been happy with it and don't really want to change anything except maybe redraw a page or two(but that would only take me a day or two).  I really feel I solidified something about my art with all the fixing and redrawing I did to make this comic.  I know "what is there" more when I draw things.


Luckily I got one of my scripts read and we're working on making a pilot or single episode.  It would be low budget but the people working on it are great and liked my pitch.  Since they had no idea who I wrote for the parts it was nice when I was having a sit down and they liked my explanation enough to figure out I was clearly one of the characters.  Because I guess that means the parts still mine.  I guess that wasn't changing but I had no idea.  So I'm doing rewrites and refining that.  It's a weird Adrianish(my friends will know what that means) sitcom with a goofy but dark way to it.  It has jokes I wrote that worked and people laughed at, but I knew they were inside jokes totally at my own expense(there is a little subplot about a girl my character made paintings of, for example, and that is just filled with jokes about the real me, but no one knew that).

I do have to finish the second script to my comic.  If it's rejected I just have to get it published somewhere else.  So no matter what I'll have to get those scripts done.  It's just so complicated and filled with stuff I have to put into every page that it is daunting to write.  But I have every scene plotted out for the whole first series.


One of the best friends I have made down here is appearing on several shows soon.  He is one of the most driven people I ever met, and in my whole life one of the few who got me.  Plus ladies like looking at him.  Anyway, he is appearing on the Fox show Surviving Jack this week and next.  So watch it, because more ratings never hurt.  I think its a small part, but we've known each other since we both moved here and I've seen the guy do everything and I can tell you it's just the first of many roles.  Anyway, look for Chad, he's the jock guy(I think, I hope I didn't screw that up).  My whole idea for us working together is to show people exactly what this guy is capable of.  He's one of the few people I've met who I'm sometimes jealous of their acting prowess.  Where I do better the more scared or uncomfortable I get(somehow that works for me, maybe it's just that I like overcoming that),  he has a commitment I have rarely seen in any actor.  Also one of the most directable actors I have encountered.  This is just the start and I encourage everybody to pay attention, because one day it will be impossible not to.


And for people who know a lot of comic artists, I sort of sketch things out really roughly with a gesture that I constantly redraw and refine, in that really scribble way that John Buscema called the "wandering line", which ironically is very different than the way most comic artists are taught, by Buscemas own book, How To Draw Comics The Marvel Way, the style where you draw a sort of mannequin armature and then build on that with cloths and stuff.  Burn Hogarths books do all this, and yes I own all these because they are still great for these qualities but I feel an artist should learn the wandering line method first because in the end it's what you see, the design, not the architecture, the under structure, that makes a good drawing.  

Having said all that it doesn't mean I do any of these things right myself.  I had to relearn gesture, and drawing what I see because of that training and I've seen others stuck in it, the looseness of gesture not present.  

So I draw with this wandering line which is really nothing more than a scribble of forms and gestures like a lump of clay that you play around with until it forms what you want.  When that molds into the shape I want(in these ones it's mainly people, or humanoid things)with the general feel and shape of the clothes and whatever they are holding, I scribble in all the major forms and muscles and then then shapes and forms in the clothing, like buttons, or armor, or different kinds of armor to make it exotic and not true to Earth.  That scribble only sort of hints at what the final thing will look like, but it has a bunch of shapes to turn into things like belts, pockets, vests, jewelry, masks, and whatever other shape looks cool and appropriate.

After I do that I go over the outline, something I saw in my various concept art books and when I saw J. H. Williams draw once, and it's a really great step.  It makes it more what you would see without all the logic of what's under the clothes(although the scribble gave a good idea of what is there).  Then I adjust it all to what is under the clothes.  

Then I go over it all to make it tighter and bring out details.  After that I start inking it(in comics, with a crowquil pen and brush, in sketches, storyboards and character design I uses pens, markers, and brushes for speeds sake).  I do all the thing lines first.  With crowquil pens I can vary the width a lot.  But with pens they stay very even, and I only use a few sizes, because I can adjust it later with a brush to flesh it all out.  

Then I scan it, or take a picture, and upload it.  For work I have to scan everything for absolute clarity, but I have a huge Mustek scanner.  Of course I draw huge, because I'm a dick, so while that could scan most comic pages, it still takes at least two scans for my normal comic pages.

And usually I do this while watching some tv.  When I write I listen to my iPod. 


I've been playing Eddie in Hurleyburley for my class at school.  He's basically a drunk guy who is constantly on coke and his life is falling apart.  My partner is my friend who I sent on a car ride to screw another of my friends.  But he went crazy and threw her out of her own car.  And now she's pissed, but I'm totally fucked up and selfish and unfazed by all this.  The whole scene we're both pretending to do drugs and acting crazy.  I did it today and was surprised at how not nervous I was.  I was still nervous, but after doing this at least every other class for a year and a half, I at least know how to deal with it.  And I remember how much more nervous I was.  So much more nervous.  It's that progress that really makes me feel good.  

But we only have a few more months of school and I know I'm going to bawl my eyes out at the thought of all of us not being in the same room together acting or just hanging out again after graduation.  I've made life long friends there.  Some of the best.  Regardless, it will always be the greatest when I see them on screen.

Adrian For Hire

So while I'm still looking for jobs while I work on trying to get this comic published, I am taking commissions and doing various gigs(Storyboards, Character design, writing, acting, directing, I'm editing this week, for example).  My art pay scale is $50 for a inked drawing with a few characters and and environment(9X14), $75 for a detailed drawing with environment(11X17), $150 for a painting(acrylic, acrylic ink, colored pencil, guasche, or watercolor), $300 for oil paintings.  The paintings take a little while, and the oil paintings take a longer while(oil paint takes a while to dry in general).

My art site will be update with samples(and I need to update the art page here too, I'll get to it).  The address is:

Me Out

I have more to say and that book review of the Steve Ericksons confounding but incomparably epic Malazan books.  Reviewing them is almost as hard as reading them.  Because explaining why I read them is for some reason really difficult.  There is a lot of stuff I did not like, but I still ended up somehow loving it as it went along and got more confusing yet made more sense.  And if ever there was an author who refuses to give you what you expect it is Erickson. And that's the double edged sword I can't seem to make a review into.

Anyway, I just need to get more art out there like a breath of air.  It's the art side of me performing.  Instead of the performing side of me trying to make art.  But they are a mix and something I can't seem to live without.  Which is fine with me.  


Feb 22, 2014


I've been working like crazy.  A bunch of different things like writing, drawing commissions, drawing pages for my anthology someday.  And at this rate I'm pretty happy, it's a good side thing and amounts to a bunch of totally different stories done in totally different ways.

I have about eleven comic stories I want to copywrite and I figure the best way to do that is to do short stories in those universes so I get a lock on those titles and concepts to revisit in the future.  It's also like planting my flag on that idea.  I love variety and totally different moods so all the stories are different genres and styles.  It will take a while but I'm already half way through one story and started on a next and that's just while I've been doing the computer work for my pitch.


I spent one day reacquainting myself with lettering on the program Illustrator.  Then I experimented with my current scans.  Lettered the whole issue.  Then reedited my new scans.  And today I'm pasting the lettering on those old pages on to these new scans.  I also have to letter two pages which will take about twenty to thirty minutes.  I already lettered the cover, the Map title and credit page, and the cast list(my fantasy book influences really show through with that stuff, but why not expand the audience or be more reader friendly if you are able, and I am able).  It's really hard to get inspired to do it.  But there are moments, like after I did the cover, I was excited and did more pages.  Basically I'm done with the hard part and have that nervous anticipation that once I'm done with this lettering, I'm done for real.  It's ready to turn in.  Well, except for--

The Pitch

I really have to write it.  I have written a few.  One of the issues with me is that I have no interest in the common story structure.  Only because it bores me.  I search for satisfying ways to make the audience happy but not have the same story structure(The first book/season of game Of Thrones is fascinating precisely because of this).  I like to follow characters to their inevitable ends. It's the surprises that are fun.  It's all plotted and figured out intricately, but the trick is to make it magic.

Magic Of Storytelling

The magic is in how the world interests and surprises you.  I think a good story interests you, and then surprises you.  You have to like it, and then be surprised by how the characters change it all(for better or worse).  It's never about stuff happening to people.  It's about people doing things.  Making decisions good or bad.  A story can be about a villian as long as it is interesting(Breaking Bad, The Sopranos).  It has nothing to do with morality.  And the thing that makes it special are the unexpected, but inevitable twists.  The inevitable part is important.  It's the feeling that this isn't out of left field, this is supposed to happen.  That's a good ending.  

So me doing a story is me taking a journey, with points I have to get to, and an ending that is supposed to surprise and be inevitable.  It's not formulaic and it's not simple.  

I need to work over the next 24 hours to spell check and write this pitch.  It will only be one page.  I've read other pitches and it is immediately apparent that they are saying too much worthless information.  And luckily I finished a whole issue and lettered and inked it, which is at least fifteen more pages and several more stages than most pitches.  

But many times people get no reply or somehow are not looked at(it is an online submission form so you never know until you get a reply).  There are other people I will be sending it to so that is not my only avenue.  But still, people are busy and sometimes not quick so I can't get my expectations up about a quick reply.  

I will be sending it on Monday.  I gave it all I got, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.


I wrote 19 pages of script on Monday and Tuesday.  That's a shitload.  But it comes out when it comes out.  I know this because I can write like crazy at times.  And most writers I meet cannot.  I think it comes from my liking of short stories, the art of it, and the writers who do it well.  I sort of have a hard time writing short stories. I love including a little of everything.  I like thinking of all the various things I can do in whatever world my story takes place in.  So with short stories I have a really hard time fitting in everything.  This is apparent in most short stories I've written(there's a few that are simple).

So I wrote the second draft(most from scratch, but I had a ten pager that I recycled some dialogue from).  I just had to wait until the sew came together.  By stew, I mean how you put all the ingredients in the pot and the longer you let it simmer the better it tastes.  That's the reason to wait and not just write any old trash that comes out(also why I threw out nine pages of that first draft).  You sort of have to wait until you have so em inspirational spark of some sort.  Even a small one.  So I waited and at some point it came and I powered through a script.

It was for my acting group and basically voted on conceptually.  I pitched a nickelodeon type story with a dark edge.  The second draft got the specific mood I was going for and people seemed to like it so I guess we'll be filming it.  Doesn't sound like my style, but the weird/dark edge is clearly me.  I tried to see if there was any sort of Nickelodeon/Disney style sitcom I would ever watch and this is what I came up with.  And I'm one of the main characters.  Could be fun.

Anyway, more work to do. 


P.s.: the first picture is of the under drawing for a painting commission.  Fully painted ones like that are $150.  Then two pictures of buddies I drew in costume during class(one of the best things about my school is all the dressing up...or down).

Jan 31, 2014


Life moves really quickly here.  I think that's obvious by my posts this last year.  A lot of progression and a lot of things happen.  I think I mention less than half of them.  So there I was complaining last post and like a day or two later I was having a blast.  If anything I am actually taking things a little slow.  But slow is still pretty fast over here.

Rap Video

My friend asked me if I could help him film on Friday.  I said yes.  So I went, sort of kneeing it was going to be a little loose, because some shoots are last minute and sort of improv, I figured I'd just go with the flow.  It turned out to be a rap video.  

We arrived at the building at around 7 at night, which is pretty late.  But it was starting late so we were good.  They let us into an underground garage of a very expensive luxury apartment.  It's funny because my friend was dressed in coveralls and we were escorted by security into this really beautiful place so this all seemed like some inside heist in a movie(except they were helping us because we had permission to shoot in closed areas).

We were let into a sort of club/bar within the building.  I was immediately like a kid in a candy store.  I was just the assistant, but since my friend was doing all the camera work and the whole thing was very improv, with my friend as the main visualist, I would suggest shots to him when he had a second.  He ended up using a bunch of them.  I even pointed to the upstairs window and asked the security to take me there and we ended up using all those shots. The director liked my suggestions, and my buddy was happy because setting up shots takes forever, so me throwing set ups to him let him take his mind off of it(he was kind of directing, like I said this was pretty loose).

I got to hang out with everyone including the rapper.  It was very fun and everyone was great to work with.  The model showed up and it was the first time I have worked with a non acting model, so it's a little different.  More about placement and how the camera makes her look.  Since I wasn't directing I only told her what to do once.  But the some great shots of her were based on shots I made up(the others made up shots too, I was just most proud of the ones I made up because they were more epic, although my buddy got a lot of good close ups he made up).  I only stopped her once because a shadow was running up her legs all the way to her face.  And it looked great.  So I told my friend and then told the model to place her leg a certain way because the shadow on it looks perfect(because her legs were great, it's literally the job).

Half the time I didn't even have to do anything and actually wrote part of this post.  I remember my friend looked at me like he was asking if I was bored, and I looked back at him like, we're making art, and there's a beautiful woman here, what the hell can I complain about.  This is all I ever want.  It ended at 11 and we were out by 1130.  We even went to my new apartment, got a beer a block away at a great place, watched a bit of Jeff Who lives At Home(I really like that movie) and I drove him home and we unloaded all that equipment.  A productive night.


I stayed home on Saturday and did some work.  Mainly adding a polish and consistency to the whole issue before I rescan it.  I also sketched a lot because I feel I suck at it so I have to practice by just making a lot and trying out designs.  It's also to establish the consistent style I use in my comic.  Practice is what it all is.  With a little bit of random work thrown in.


On Sunday I went to school and worked on characters to do a monologue of. My teacher assigned one to half of us(both years consists of two classes per week, but second year, we still have to go every class, but we only perform every other class because it's harder).  I got a funny one where I get to act serious and sort of loud.  Besides that I worked on layouts for my fantasy story which was really productive and fun and I did between stuff at school.  

My friend was visiting, but since my phone was broken I sort of found out last minute.  I somehow didn't get enough sleep on Saturday even though I was home all day, but my friend was in town so I went out anyway.  And he was at my other best friends house, so I went straight from school to his house.  

We hung out there with his family and talked about geeky things and movies and my undying love for the actor Maribel Verdu(from the movies Pans Labyrinth[hot], Y Tu Mama Tambien[holy crap], Golden Balls from Spain[Holy Fucking Shit, no seriously, Holy Fucking Shit]).  Didn't realize it, but I guess she had a long term effect in me from when I saw Y Tu Mama in the theatre.

Then we went to my place so I could show them how nice it is.  Then we walked down the street to a bar where I got a gigantic Magic Hat # 9 beer(an acting buddy shows me this gift from low budget heaven).  

My friend was texting about a job, when he received a text.  We were talking(the three of us) so I didn't take notice.  But he mentioned that someone was going to be at the bar and not to pitch anything.  And I looked at him like what the fuck are you talking about, but okay, whatever. I guess I'll find out.  It turned out our old buddy from up north was in town visiting his two friends.  Except one of them was a famous actor.  The other turned out to be recognizable and a lead in a movie he showed me.  We all had a bunch to drink.  Actually I mainly had a lot because I wasn't driving and my house was down the street half a mile.  Somehow I didn't make a fool of myself and we all got along great.  The famous dude drove us to my house and we talked for an hour while we smoked(I'm not turning down his famous joint).  I was the only one of us he never met, but we were on the same wavelength so I think well hang out again someday.  I'm good with celebrities because I beg them for nothing.  And everyone begs them for everything.  Everyone.  I ask nothing.  Just, if we had a memorable time, which is my only job here, then you'll remember it and we'll be friends.  I guess, I let fate decide that stuff on some level.  Even though I believe I'm the only person responsible for these things, really.


On Tuesday I went to my acting group and we set up projects for the future.  I was really thankful at how much they like my writing and ideas.  I had net gone for the last two months so I'm excited to be back.

Missed Connections

Then on Wednesday I went to get some coffee close to my apartment.  I walked in and someone said my name.  It was a cute actress I know.  And after that last post I was thinking I need to get out more and if not meet some more women, at least get to know the non platonic ones I already know.  I said hi and she told me I just missed the girl I crushed on last year.  This totally confused me, I looked around(the girl is easy to see from far away in a really good way), but she was nowhere to be seen.  The comedian and actor Kevin Hart was standing four feet away(all five feet of him) waiting for his coffee like I was, but no crush in sight.  

I sort of thought it was for the best though.  We're both strong headed creative types and she's sort of famous(not that that's a real barrier actually) So we didn't quite match up.  But she sort of knew what I could do so I felt she knew me a little better than most girls do.  

I left with my sad little coffee.  But I will admit I sent the girl a text despite all that and we talked a little anyway.  So there you go I got weak.

Things To Do

I have to rescan everything, edit in Photoshop, then computer let in Illustrator(does what Photoshop does not), connect two buddies on project, lock down my script on a fantasy comic and finish the detailed layouts(which I'll post next time), work in a few pitches and maybe a temporary script for my acting group, and rehearse and buy a costume for my monologue for school.

I'm basically sleeping a biphasic sleep schedule except on my school days where I just stay up late, like today.

next time,

Jan 23, 2014


Well, that took forever.  Trying to move, actually moving, unpacking.  At the same time my bumper fell off, my registration wasn't up to date(which was now a major problem without a front bumper). Plus, I had some screw up in my accounts which left me next to broke and unable to pay to fix my car stuff. And I had no internet because they were taking forever on that.  Oh and I got so sick from exhaustion(I think) that I couldn't get out of bed because it felt like I was dying and since I just moved I had no food and no car so I sort of started starving to death in my bed.  That was the first half of the month.  But that's all boring shit and I took care of it all somehow, so there you go.  A horrible month in the center of the holidays, but it all ended well.  

Finishing my pitch

I was finishing my pitch that whole time but it was taking forever.  I redrew two pages and fixed a bunch of panels.  Plus I drew a map, a back cover, and a next issue preview(the scans I'm putting up with this post).  It kind of sounds like a lot but it was very little work over three weeks and right at that crucial time I need to finish and sell this.

Coming back to draw stuff in the last week has really shown me how much I learned.  All this other stuff is so what I see in my head and not a compromise in vision, that I almost have to match the pages to this later stuff to make sure it has a consistent clarity or detail and vision and not any lazy workman like stuff(it inevitably will have uninspired panels, but the goal is to avoid that).

What's going on in my mind when I draw

For other artists, I'll just explain that there are sometimes when I am just in this Moebius/Sergio Aragones state of mind.  Not in a copying sense, but in the sense that I understand that drawing is about just knowing what is in any area of your drawing.  Knowing like anything else would be wrong. Seeing it appear in your head instead of creating it on paper like a blueprint.  It's your world and things only look the way you see them.  The only logic is what you provide.  Influences are nice, but they can hinder this.  It needs to be just about what is in your drawing and why it is there.  And if you have a good imagination, you should come up with plenty(sometimes that area is negative space, black or white, for design purposes, but that is also knowing what is not there).

And the messed up part is that a large percentage of drawings I've done have  been like drawing in the dark.  Vague intentions, with confused executions.  Yet every single time I just knew, it turned out way better.


I seriously need to start dating or giving a shit or even liking anyone again.  I am missing something artistically, even.  I am extremely hard to deal with when I don't feel anything towards anyone.  And I don't.  I used to.  I used to feel stronger than anyone I met and I guess I got my heart run over so many times it doesn't really beat anymore.  I'm surrounded by every girl I could ever want, but I don't want anyone because I don't trust anyone or imagine anyone possibly feeling anything back at me.  I literally don't believe in that.  As far as I'm concerned no one from my past life ever liked me.  Or more likely liked everyone else(otherwise they would have treated me different, it's a fact I can't get past and why I'm never going back to the bay area[unless like I said before I was having sex constantly then I'd go back, but since that is an impossibility with those people and me I guess I'm never going back]).  

I mean I can't even imagine trying to be with anyone.  With all my talk of trying, it seems with this like the dumbest thing I could ever do is like anyone ever again.  I don't think I've had a good experiance.  The few girls who liked me that I went out with didn't actually like me, but the idea of me(whatever that was at the time).  Or they liked any other loser just as much.  

At the same time the only kind of woman I can understand are nymphomaniacs.  I mean girls who literally will fuck everybody.  I always get along with them yet never sleep with them, which has been a two way street of frustration because we think the same way(I told a girl I wouldn't sleep with her recently because I needed to be with someone who wanted only me. And I need to be artistically infatuated[sort of true].  I'm such a girl about that.  But artistic love is just way more fucking intense and incomparable).  But every girl I meet like that is my best friend later(because they are fascinating, if not safe).  In a way my biggest fear is that I'll meet one I fall for.  I mean I'm living in the capital of pornography.  That would just wreck me.  I'd burn out my genitalia by never stopping fucking.  There are girls who straight up tell you what they will do for you or that they will do whatever you want them to do.  And you know for a fact that it would be awesome(the bedroom part at least).  I'm really strong about all that, but only so strong.  

Of course, I do seem to respond to certain girls.  There's be an inordinate amount of beautiful red headed women in my life this last year.  One I crushed on for a few weeks but we were wrong for each other(even though we got along well). The weird funny part is that some girls act like I'm their little brother who wants to get set up, and out here getting set up is at least guaranteed to be with good looking people.  But I'm not interested.  It might even work out great, but I am only interested in people I feel a very strong connection with.  And almost no one has that with me.  I thought someone did once, and she clearly never loved me enough, and then I thought maybe someone else had that connection with me, but here we are like two years later and I'll probably never see her again and I never really thought she liked me back anyway.  And all the other ones I either liked for the wrong reasons or they liked me and I didn't really like them back.  So I stopped dating.

I have a life I'm trying to make that is so specific and fun and I don't have the slightest inclination on spending that great time and life with anyone I don't really love.  It's a treasure I can share, but I have to be careful who I share it with.  And I'm very aware that regardless of what other guys seem to have or be able to do, most are not actually impressive, it's not enough, and if they were they would be my friend(my close friends down here are the most talented, gorgous[men and women], and nicest people I have met, on that score I've really done well in this later portion of my life somehow, and I've had an easier time becoming friends with my idols and people I admired than "normal" people anyway).  I make new friends like that now.  I know the difference finally.   So when a girl goes off with some other guy now it just seems weak.  Like totally fucking weak.  Do better.  I'm not being egotistical, I'm being realistic about how uselessly pathetic and not fun most guys I've met in my life are.  I've met hundreds of women who want the worst for themselves and I can't fix that.  I can just try to be better than that.  And if they still want shit(many many girls I've known want the worst for them) they can have it. I'll find someone better.  I want love, not shit.  I want the opposite of trash and boring times with boring people.  

Of course, I'm just going on my own vision of what my potential is and expecting others to agree and see it and when they don't I dismiss them like I'm some kind of perfect person which I clearly am not.  So take all this with a grain of salt.  Maybe I suck and am in fact egotistical.  

Never Settle 

Most of all, I don't settle.  Settling has killed off every person I knew in my past.  When I say killed off, I mean their dreams.  Settling is a desk job.  Settling would kill me.  It does with every little nail it can get in me.  So I look for what I want most.  Passion and art.  And everything pales in comparison to that.  Sex is lame without all consuming passion.  I just don't give a shit unless it is intense.  And most people are not intense enough for me and that has become clearer and clearer as I've gotten older.  I need a lot of intensity and moderate amounts looks almost offensively silly to me.  Like a joke at my expense.  I think that's what goes on in my head now.  I look at a girl and think she isn't sexual enough for me.  Or strong enough.  And I lose interest.  Then I see their lame ass boyfriends(here people's boyfriends are sometimes cool and not automatically the worst like where I came from).  Since I've gotten here the only girls that had my almost full attention(no one has hooked me all the way yet) were either fiercely smart(a big turn on for me)or extremely sexy, but subtle and connected with me(I guess I need that regardless).  

Maybe I shouldn't care anymore.   Moved here thinking I might not make it.  I might just die.  I was pretty sure no one would be in my life ever again or care about me(in that way).  And so far nothing's changed.  I can't help but know that after not having anyone I love to celebrate Christmas with.  Or my birthday.  The best days I had I celebrated alone.  The worst days I cried alone.  Either way I was alone.  And every special occasion was not special for me.  It was dead and lonely.  I don't feel anything unless I feel something for a woman.  And I don't feel anything anymore.

On the brighter side

My life's been way worse.  I have good things.  I have a good life now.  It just will never seem good to me while I am alone and I have been alone way too long.  

I wonder if I should just immerse myself into my work so much I never think of women again.  I wonder if I should leave again and try to find love somewhere else.  I wonder if it matters anyway because everyone I loved in my life died and there is no one left alive.  I wonder if all my intensity will just burn out in a room alone without anyone ever knowing it.  And I wonder if I do get the things I want, which now seems more possible than ever, will I even care.

Inverted Anger

All these thoughts and feelings are like the fuel for the engine of my life.  They shouldn't be fuel.  They should just be road bumps.  Obstacles.  But since I am not happy, they are it, the only thing fueling me.  If anything is keeping me alive, it is the slight chance I can make art for people.  That's it.  The chance I can connect through art since I've never connected on anything else.  It's my only hope.  The only thing that keeps me going because everything else has been a disappointment.  I remember I had a deep conversation with a friend(ironically she looked like all my drawings, but was the wrongest match for me ever) and she said that I seemed like the most disappointed person she ever met.  Partially because I was so optimistic about work.  Not neccesarily sad or miserable, just disappointed by life.  And I laughed because she was so right.  I'm disappointed and want more.  And I never want less again.  And the only thing that makes me happy is making the things I want into reality.  For a guy so disappointed, its only because I'm getting so close to a getting everything I want.  A fear, weakness, regret, with hope spiced in.

And that is a weird sort of strength, but it's better than laying down to die.

Okay, for real, on a lighter side

I like my new town.  I like having a roommate because it feels like having a partner on some level.  Plus I can't stand men so its nice to have a woman around a lot.  We can pool our resources for acting jobs and film projects.  I love going to school.  I do have temporary crushes on girls there, but worry about our age differences(yet no one has ever held that against me here).  Of course I missed out on life so starting over with a younger person isn't really that weird an idea for me at all.  I also seem to crush on every girl with an accent.

I have several close friends who work on shows I really like or am excited about.  I get to root for famous people who are my buddies.  That is a fun thought.  And I get to work with those people.  As it is, my very few credits are all with people way more successful than me from material I have drooled over before meeting them(someday, and its already starting, my IMDB page will be a fact sheet that explains my personal life and the people in it way too much).  I love the fact that pretty much everyone here has been different than you would expect from just the outside.  It's always a discovery.  The most ridiculous looking gorgous person can be the nicest most trusted friend.  I love that we play horrible people sometimes and are the best of friends.  Because on set or during rehearsal it all about fun and friendship and work and every single one of us is playing someone we are not.

At the very least I spend all my time with the people who are the future of this crazy town.  It's a party.  And I'm just starting to get out there and experience it.  And I meet plenty of people through that who are always entertaining. I'l meet someone great. 

That was supposed to be a short post, because I have a bunch of reviews to make on stuff I watched in my downtime.  I'll get to that next time. 

Not sure Anachronist was the best title but I'm living in the present and past time.  


P.S.: I'll try to be more chipper next time.  This is why I shouldn't write posts at 3 in the morning while reminiscing about girls.  And last post I said I had to be more private.  Oh well.