Dec 31, 2016

Felisin

Image may contain: 1 person
Almost Muse 1.5, unfinished, when the time is right I'll finish it.

(I am still editing this.  Right now I am going to a bar on New Years eve by myself.  and the story behind that isn't even simple.  So what follows is my unedited rough draft as I work on it.  There is stuff I will delete and stuff I will expand upon.  All I got are eye blinks of time to let it all out like puke.  Gross, right?  This is all craziness so I have too adjust it but not will take a while.  This was what I could get out by New Years.  THIS WILL DEFINITELY CHANGE.  PLUS I'M ALREADYT TIPSY...)

Oh what a fucking month.  What a fucking year, really.  But that's LA.  Best and worst place.  A crucible.  And you either survive or leave.  But surviving is hard for everyone.  Trying to add artistic stuff into it just makes it harder.  But this is the place to do it.

So I got things to say.  Bad things, good things(maybe), just plain gray area things.

I guess theres a twist.  Just a twist in terms of recent life. I guess with everyone this long shit year. But at the same time I might have convinced my friends that I am truly crazy.  I find it funny but their like, dude, you're crazy, and I'm like yeah, you're right, but I do find it hilarious.  I know I sort of predicted the future on weird shit so I'm like, yeah, this is fucked up, but I said it way ahead of time, prophesy amount of time, so I don't know what else to say but it's funny that I'm only right in the worst ways.  Bad ways.  Ways I never want to be right.  But there you go.  I got some weird intuition.  If I could predict the future with anyone else as well as I can with my buddy, I'd be a literal psychic, but as it is I just know some people and the situations that happen based on clues I'd never be able to articulate.  So, for lack of a better word, I call it intuition.

What I'm doing here is sneaking out what little thoughts I'll let out, in the tiny moments I let them. But those windows of time are like 12 hours, maybe twice a month I'm like just let it all out.  But then situations change and people change and whatever you thought before is tempered by new information and new angles at old relationships.  That sentence was a lot of baggage in and of itself. And like I said I have only a window of time before my whole personality switches and I'm like fuck everyone else, I'm not talking about that shit.

That's why I haven't posted.  Life is complicated.  People are. I guess I am.  I feel simple in so many ways but then I know my mind seems to be going to places that people I meet are not.  Based on things I loved as a kid, moments in adult life, feelings, emotions.  So I'm a hypocrite as well as truthful.  An idiot, as well a someone trying to work complex systems of people and events to my own benefit.

Ugh.  Heres the story.  At least until I add shit next time I am not bashful(i.e.: I'm still editing and adding..and subtracting the stuff that is just too much, so catch it while you can).

The Dust Of Dreams

After the last post my relationship with that girl deteriorated.  I saw it coming a mile away, but still, that sucks. That story goes crazy places somehow.  That twist I mentioned. It was a bad argument and it was the kind that kills friendships but it was inevitable, especially once it went from weird friends to being treated like an ex boyfriend even though I never showed jealousy(because I wasn't).

 You know shit is crazy when(in the last minute and a half, at 2:45) four or five very attractive 18 year olds are talking about going for a hike right now, and I'm like, fuck that I want to sleep, fuck these girls, I'm going to my room to write pithy diatribes about my life(and I just finished working for eight hours at a bar).  This all sounds like I'm some sort of rich, suave motherfucker who's got his shit all together, or (rightfully so), one who doesn't.  At the same time I did allow my life to have space for fucking around with actresses and models(sounds like a fucking joke but this is LA. and it's really like that) and some weird paths intersected here, with weird motifs and tensions.  All the obvious stuff was thrown out for just fucked up twists everywhere.  When I explained the whole story to a good female friend of mine, she was like, well you asked for an interesting life, you got what you wanted.  And I said as I said of all this from the beginning, be careful what you wish for.  I got my wish but not in any way I wanted it. With all that came so much fucking grief.  So much adjusting and at times, nah, not adjusting because that ain't my thing.  Or maybe it's only the outside that adjusts.  And that fools everyone, but my center stays the same.

Glitter Dome

These are the shows I'm on: Mistresses(I'm a Grifter, lol, the crew were really nice to us extras and seemed to try to give us all good shots, I'm ordering drinks for a bunch of dangerous people, still laughing), Better Things(I really like that show, I think I'm in a montage during a concert scene behind the main actors, I don't see how the camera would have missed my face, but who knows I haven't seen it), Love(so ironic it hurts, I'm a crew member in the last episode of season 2, I think. My buddy is also on one of these last episodes, but not the same scenes), The Ranch(with the cast of That Seventies Show and a 2000's crush who I didn't meet because I had nothing to say, while I we were both alone at the coffee/food area), Girly Boss(?, I don't think you can see me anyway, I think I'm a blurry shoulder), Vengeance(I think this is a super hero one where I was in a smocks and mask so I don't think I could point myself out because there was like a hundred other people dressed the same), East Los High(I was in a wedding scene, working for like four days), Roadies( I think I'm a dot in the crowd.  My friend was more prominently on this show, I actually really want to watch that episode), Toast(I was so hung over and sleepy during this .  Thats the truth.  I pretended to talk to this girl for like four hours.  It would have been fun if I wasn't fucked up).  The Battle Of The Sexes(I think thats the title.  A movie with Steve Correl and Emma Stone.  I play a Carl Sagan looking mother fucker on the sidelines of a historic tennis match.  I'm just an extra but maybe you can see me.  They had to keep resetting a shot, so everyone had to go to their original positions after about a minute of shooting.  For some reason I was the only person out of 300 people who had walked like a hundred and fifty feet every take.  In order to not be a shitty extra, I busted my ass back to the original position.  So in this arena filled with hundreds of people, the director, all the way at the other end of the auditioriam thanks me through the loud speacker for hustling because it was saving everyone time.  Also I almost got laid later for no apparent reason.)

I think I was on one or two more but I actually forgot.  Somethings missing.  I know I was on two shows

The Chain Of Dogs


This is the part where I work for two murderers.



Lord Of tragedy

And with all that, it was at this last minute I have convinced my best friends, people who have known me for decades, that yes, Adrian is fucking crazy.  And I don't exactly disagree.  I am currently living with her again.  After six months.

At one point I told her that I had to tell a random person who would never see or meet her that , just in case, this girl living with me was my girlfriend.  She said, yeah that makes sense, I'll tell the neighbors I'm your girlfriend.  I wanted to smile so fucking bad , I was like, every dude is trying to get with her, I'm gonna look so fukcing rad, until I realized, wait a second, despite all this crap I don't want anyone thinking she's my girlfriend.  No.  That time passed and we's out, dude.




The Malazan Tales Of The Fallen

This Fucking Year

Now Wait For Last Year

I went out new Years eve.  It was the first time I'd really been out not to catch up with old friends or hang out with my young friends(I hung out with my male and female roommates a lot, both 18 and 19, so thats why I didn't go out, plus I was broke). I met a (I'm sorry this was so fucking platonic, but ...) gorgeous lesbian.  We hit it off(I think she thought I was bi because I am so open minded but I m
very solidly through biology very heterosexual, I just don't feel the need to stop people from being happy, so like what you like, my opinion is shit compared to what you like).  We talked for hours and she moved us around in the bar(her girlfriend turned out to be the bartender who I crushed on two years before) so I was like okay, this is rad, this fun woman taking me around out of nowhere to meet new people is rad(I met the lead singer of a band I knew from the nineties because his jacket caught my eye and I decided to ask him about it.  He designed it so he was very happy at the compliment.).  I didn't get her number but then hung out with her girlfriend(at work so that sort of doesn't count) but no one was there so we ended up talking(never mentioned her girlfriend who I was there for, though). [parenthesis are are over the  place and fucked, lol].



Mortal Sword

It's obvious I'm in the middle of a huge transition in my manner based on me breaking out of my little shell and discovering life is sort of good to me out here.  Like unrealistically so.  The dust of my dreams lying atop all my nightmares.  A world too crazy to be real.  But at the same time every story you ever heard.  And my fucking ass somehow is in it.  Deep.  Like opposite life.  Alternate reality.  And I have to be cold steel.  Once I was hot steel, angry and ready to just slide through people like butter, now I'm cold steel, removed, deliberate, precise.  Not a bloody gash but a perfect incision. And its scares me.  Scares me to have any power after never having any.  I'm still clueless, I'm still sort of weak.  But I know my true self does what he wants regardless of destiny or what people think I could ever do.  It is about being the truest you possible.  Never being weak to the outside and being strong for your inner self.  Surpassing what others thought were impossible obstacles.  I might have.  I don't believe it but the truth is I am now spoiled and can't see the forest for the trees.

Glory Unwitnessed

Today I complained because a girl wanted to hang out at 2 AM and get drunk.  She flaked, but I don't even give a shit.  1. because I know she'll ask that again within days, and 2. I got other people in my life now.  18 year olds are fucking crazy and I'm fine with people at least closer to my age(truthfully, in their late twenties).  I work at a bar, thats whats going on with all this 2 AM bullshit.  Anyway the next night I come home thinking she isn't gonna be there, she's not going to have rent and ditch me hardcore, and she's there braiding her hair, dressed like it's 95 degrees and she's at the beach, but it's seriously half that, and saying she's been waiting for me to come home all night.  Platonic.  "Sleep down here tonight".  Platonic.  "Lets get really drunk".  Very loosely platonic.  I guess because of all the random life shit we've been through I'm just much more physical with her.  Which is fine, we're very close, but then  I don't know.   Lines are crossed.  I'm too old and moving on with my life to get stuck on these things.  The actual problem is how hard I have to try to just not respond to some things to keep it all kosher.  But when it isn't I don't say shit.  But yeah, you start touching folks and it's just easy to go into old habits.

The story behind the painting is that sometime early last year me and the little maniac were living together.  I was watching tv in the living room when she came home from an audition.  She looked amazing because that's what you do for auditions.  But she really wanted to smoke so I passed her the bubbler and she sat down.  I took one look and was like, oh shit, don't move, I have to paint you like right fucking now.  I'm something of a lustful painter when it comes to certain girls(muses) so I was in heaven.  It wasn't a posed painting, I literally said don't move and keep doing what you're doing and I sat where I was sitting and did all the preliminary artwork.

Days later now, I'm watching Laser Moon with my roommate(a youtube video because we watched the whole Star Wars trilogy together when the little maniac first lived here).  We're in my room innocently watching it.  She feels tired so I walk her downstairs because she's easily spooked.  We hear a noise.  I heard it, she really heard it.  And I'm like oh shit, now this is going to be like trying to make a baby sleep for the rest of the night after hearing what might have been nothing other then a next door neighbor shutting their door.  Then there was more noise.  Definite noise.  And really, the only solution is to just go downstairs.  So I did.  Out of the kitchen walks my third roommate who has been gone for weeks in which now my friend has moved back in.  And this roommate was there for months of drama and questions on what the fuck are these two to each other.  So when , down the stairs my old friend pops out, it was sort of a shock.  And also major WTF from her because she never knew us to be hanging out upstairs.  So it turned out to look extremely suspicious.  Plus it was fucking 4:30 in the morning.  My guilty grin at, okay , maybe I should have told you who moved in just looked like I was really guilty for getting my hand caught in the cookie jar.  It was a true Threes Company moment.


Adrian

P.S.: Truth is you have to read almost the whole novel Deadhouse Gatres, one of the harshest most fucked up fantasy novels ever(cut half the novel, and you still have the Chain Of Dogs, a caravan of thousands of refugees trying to escape a jihad), to understand why I called this Felisin.  I told the only friend who would get the reference(a guy in a successful band , not the one I mentioned) who got me into the Malazan novels, especially Deadhouse Gates(because I didn't really like Gardens Of The Moon, the first novel, very much at all) and I met one of the most fucked up characters in fantasy, Felisin Paran. Apparently most readers hate her.  I was more on the fence.  But yeah, I told my friend, yo I lived with Felsisn, now I live with Shi'iak, the Whirlwind.  And he totally knew exactly what I meant.  I told him I may have methodded the whole rock star thing more than I thought because LA has become a living Neon Demon to me(the movie has elements that are so close to my life that are completely fucking weird).









Mar 14, 2016

Only Epic

Acrylic ink on gray tinted paper.

I just turned 40.  I feel younger than ever.  Not just saying that.  I look it, and am having quite a life.  Not a life I'd be living outside of LA.  I went full mid life crisis.  Lived like a rock star(way too much booze and pot) with the wildest young lady ever, quit my job the day before my birthday, went full time into art jobs and acting.  Starve if I have to.

You know life is complicated when it takes a year to write down anything about it.  And then you do and you have to delete it all because life ain't just you its others and you are not the only context in and of yourself.  So I try to write then say to myself wait a fucking minute, most of that shit you can't tell until way after the fact.  And I'm not living way after the fact I'm living in this moment, in this weird context, in uncharted territory which was my whole purpose, but now that I'm sort of here I understand the fullest meaning of be careful what you wish for.  

After a year of the shittiest living situations, I got a new roommate.  I've had a bunch, some friends, some new friends, some that hated me, but one that became a best friend.  And a muse.

And that's where I have to hold back like 80%-90% or more of the story.  I'm going to have to skim over the best, juiciest, funnest, and yeah even the shittiest parts.  I have to .  And it sucks, I don't want to but some parts of life are completely private, or just so shared that any personal tidbits are entwined with other people's. So in the spirit of trying to get something out I'll just tell the basics of what's going on now and a little on how we got there.  

Watercolor

And by little I'm talking just a peek.  But I swore I'd live epically and I achieved that.  So despite all the pain there is epic glory.  Things I thought would never happen but hoped, dreams I wished and forgot, lust I thought I'd have to leave behind, and the most unusual male/female relationship I've been in.

I'm at the end of this crazy portion of my life.  I'm sure there will be more because I've leveled up. Of course that was a painful leveling.  I say of course because my luck is not good to say the least.  Although things like luck play a crucial part in this part of my life.

I'm almost finished living with my Almost-Muse for six months.  She's moving because her life changed drastically(in the ultimate Hollywood sense).  This only has something to do with me because we became best friends during that time. But that was not expected by me, or her I assume. You see, despite her looks she seemed way too young so I treated her like family.  Plus what the fuck would a young super mutant of human genetics want to be friends with me for?  So I didn't let myself think about it too much.  But then we hung out way to much because we just lived the same way (up all night, sleep all day, be lazy ass cats, then work fucking hard another day and barely sleep).  On days off we'd hang out from like 1pm to 5am.  And obviously after a while I felt differently.  And she was the wildest, most different girl I'd meet and I only give a fuck about the wild ones anyway (as was proven by this story that's all I can hang with).   But we were friends. Regardless of that she was my muse.  Soon to be everyone else's.  I knew it, and so did everyone who met her. And I'd paint her all the fucking time.  Oil paintings for christ's sake.   But after a while we became super codependent.  I mean really.  Like fully for a short while.  And at that point, while I was polite, I was super honest about my feelings.  In fact I have never spoken so honestly to any woman in my life.  Mainly because people are afraid of true raw emotions even when said politely.  But she was exactly the same so you got two maniacs saying and doing whatever they want with no other care in the world but smoking pot, painting, acting, watching movies, and hanging out together.  There was a time where I'd get home from work at 11:30, get home at 11:50 and she would wake up then to hang out till the morning.  I even helped raise a pit bull she got from a shelter.  I love that guy(Han, as in Solo).

There was another time where I got frustrated and needed to not be around her because she was practically my half way girlfriend because we were so codependent.  A male roommate left because he wanted her and hated me because he thought me and her were going out(every man ever seems to respond to her which is crazy disturbing because she looks so young, but then again, look at my own reaction and realize while it sounds crazy the only reason we're still friends is because I wasn't constantly trying to get on her, although it's been six months of living together so it's not like I'm innocent either, but I was so good for a while you'd never believe it).  So I tried to keep my distance but we lived together so that was impossible.  Imagine having a beautiful up and coming actress/model soon to be Amber Heard type heartthrob argue that you have no reason not to hang out with her.  I constantly lost that fight.  But then after a few hours i'd be like, listen I'm going to my room, you can come, do whatever you want, talk, be crazy, whatever, in fact I encourage that, but I'm going to bed.  And I'd look at her like, now what you gonna do, honey?  

Hence, she became my Almost-Muse.  I try not to draw her anymore, but I have more than a half dozen paintings of her she posed for that I guess I should finish.  

Oil paint on cardboard.  About 20 percent done. Still working on this one.  My Magic Couch features prominently in these paintings. But that's where we made them.  Expert for that first one.  Which was inspired by a look.

Anyway, all that tension was resolved in ways.  But it was enough that when she started seeing someone she thought I was going to freak out or be a dick when in fact I was happy she found one of the few people who would be good for her.  I always wondered who that would be.  And I found out.  One of the most famous and good looking guys in the world.  A guy I actually admire and have a lot in common with(I knew this but as she told me about him I realized we had a shitload more in common, including being able to hang with this little maniac).

I'm only sad about the fact I'm not gonna hang out with one of my best friends anymore.  That was the wildest ride I've had with any friend. But I'm happy for her.  I was very protective yet free with her (I never told her what to do once, which every other guy did). Now I know she'll be okay.  And that was what I wanted most for her.

There is a lot of bad, sad stuff I'm skipping and all the best stuff is cut out also.  But this is where I'm at, where I was at, and where I'm going seems even crazier. If I were to sum it up, I found out that beautiful irrepressible nuevo hippies are my ideal living partner.  I'm having coffee with my first female roommate and her mind is gonna be blown.

People kept giving me advice.  All I ever heard was the sound of settling.  Eventually I just started telling people it is only epic for me.  Everything else is too fucking boring.  Most people looked at me like I was crazy or stupid.  Yet here I am in this weird epic life now.  And it's just more pain and more pleasure. But that's what I signed for.  Being normal is deadening. So only epic for me.

Adrian

P.S.: my storyboarding plus a few extras acting gigs for movies and TV shows.  They all pay way better than the normal job I had. I'm doing what I love on a small scale but doing it full time.  Can't say what I've done because of contracts, but one gig was with an extremely famous rapper.  
P.S.S.: I lost all the weight I wanted to.  I've been skateboarding every where.  In the hot sun.  I started last summer when I worked 2 miles away and then I was broke a lot during that time because I was paid shit and was super depressed a few times (about bad shit I'm cutting out of this).  And at the end I became my natural weight.  
P.S.S.S.: I got to start dating.  But who the fuck is gonna distract me now? I can't even guess. Do you even get how over stimulated I am.  I need some real sexy ass shit.  I'm fucked.
P.S.S.S.S.: not a complaint.  I'm sort of happy.  But this kind of life changes drastically, as every month has been for a year.  Almost there.  Almost very happy financially.  Almost truly getting my shit together.  Almost happy.  Almost muse...