Mar 14, 2016

Only Epic

Acrylic ink on gray tinted paper.

I just turned 40.  I feel younger than ever.  Not just saying that.  I look it, and am having quite a life.  Not a life I'd be living outside of LA.  I went full mid life crisis.  Lived like a rock star(way too much booze and pot) with the wildest young lady ever, quit my job the day before my birthday, went full time into art jobs and acting.  Starve if I have to.

You know life is complicated when it takes a year to write down anything about it.  And then you do and you have to delete it all because life ain't just you its others and you are not the only context in and of yourself.  So I try to write then say to myself wait a fucking minute, most of that shit you can't tell until way after the fact.  And I'm not living way after the fact I'm living in this moment, in this weird context, in uncharted territory which was my whole purpose, but now that I'm sort of here I understand the fullest meaning of be careful what you wish for.  

After a year of the shittiest living situations, I got a new roommate.  I've had a bunch, some friends, some new friends, some that hated me, but one that became a best friend.  And a muse.

And that's where I have to hold back like 80%-90% or more of the story.  I'm going to have to skim over the best, juiciest, funnest, and yeah even the shittiest parts.  I have to .  And it sucks, I don't want to but some parts of life are completely private, or just so shared that any personal tidbits are entwined with other people's. So in the spirit of trying to get something out I'll just tell the basics of what's going on now and a little on how we got there.  


And by little I'm talking just a peek.  But I swore I'd live epically and I achieved that.  So despite all the pain there is epic glory.  Things I thought would never happen but hoped, dreams I wished and forgot, lust I thought I'd have to leave behind, and the most unusual male/female relationship I've been in.

I'm at the end of this crazy portion of my life.  I'm sure there will be more because I've leveled up. Of course that was a painful leveling.  I say of course because my luck is not good to say the least.  Although things like luck play a crucial part in this part of my life.

I'm almost finished living with my Almost-Muse for six months.  She's moving because her life changed drastically(in the ultimate Hollywood sense).  This only has something to do with me because we became best friends during that time. But that was not expected by me, or her I assume. You see, despite her looks she seemed way too young so I treated her like family.  Plus what the fuck would a young super mutant of human genetics want to be friends with me for?  So I didn't let myself think about it too much.  But then we hung out way to much because we just lived the same way (up all night, sleep all day, be lazy ass cats, then work fucking hard another day and barely sleep).  On days off we'd hang out from like 1pm to 5am.  And obviously after a while I felt differently.  And she was the wildest, most different girl I'd meet and I only give a fuck about the wild ones anyway (as was proven by this story that's all I can hang with).   But we were friends. Regardless of that she was my muse.  Soon to be everyone else's.  I knew it, and so did everyone who met her. And I'd paint her all the fucking time.  Oil paintings for christ's sake.   But after a while we became super codependent.  I mean really.  Like fully for a short while.  And at that point, while I was polite, I was super honest about my feelings.  In fact I have never spoken so honestly to any woman in my life.  Mainly because people are afraid of true raw emotions even when said politely.  But she was exactly the same so you got two maniacs saying and doing whatever they want with no other care in the world but smoking pot, painting, acting, watching movies, and hanging out together.  There was a time where I'd get home from work at 11:30, get home at 11:50 and she would wake up then to hang out till the morning.  I even helped raise a pit bull she got from a shelter.  I love that guy(Han, as in Solo).

There was another time where I got frustrated and needed to not be around her because she was practically my half way girlfriend because we were so codependent.  A male roommate left because he wanted her and hated me because he thought me and her were going out(every man ever seems to respond to her which is crazy disturbing because she looks so young, but then again, look at my own reaction and realize while it sounds crazy the only reason we're still friends is because I wasn't constantly trying to get on her, although it's been six months of living together so it's not like I'm innocent either, but I was so good for a while you'd never believe it).  So I tried to keep my distance but we lived together so that was impossible.  Imagine having a beautiful up and coming actress/model soon to be Amber Heard type heartthrob argue that you have no reason not to hang out with her.  I constantly lost that fight.  But then after a few hours i'd be like, listen I'm going to my room, you can come, do whatever you want, talk, be crazy, whatever, in fact I encourage that, but I'm going to bed.  And I'd look at her like, now what you gonna do, honey?  

Hence, she became my Almost-Muse.  I try not to draw her anymore, but I have more than a half dozen paintings of her she posed for that I guess I should finish.  

Oil paint on cardboard.  About 20 percent done. Still working on this one.  My Magic Couch features prominently in these paintings. But that's where we made them.  Expert for that first one.  Which was inspired by a look.

Anyway, all that tension was resolved in ways.  But it was enough that when she started seeing someone she thought I was going to freak out or be a dick when in fact I was happy she found one of the few people who would be good for her.  I always wondered who that would be.  And I found out.  One of the most famous and good looking guys in the world.  A guy I actually admire and have a lot in common with(I knew this but as she told me about him I realized we had a shitload more in common, including being able to hang with this little maniac).

I'm only sad about the fact I'm not gonna hang out with one of my best friends anymore.  That was the wildest ride I've had with any friend. But I'm happy for her.  I was very protective yet free with her (I never told her what to do once, which every other guy did). Now I know she'll be okay.  And that was what I wanted most for her.

There is a lot of bad, sad stuff I'm skipping and all the best stuff is cut out also.  But this is where I'm at, where I was at, and where I'm going seems even crazier. If I were to sum it up, I found out that beautiful irrepressible nuevo hippies are my ideal living partner.  I'm having coffee with my first female roommate and her mind is gonna be blown.

People kept giving me advice.  All I ever heard was the sound of settling.  Eventually I just started telling people it is only epic for me.  Everything else is too fucking boring.  Most people looked at me like I was crazy or stupid.  Yet here I am in this weird epic life now.  And it's just more pain and more pleasure. But that's what I signed for.  Being normal is deadening. So only epic for me.


P.S.: my storyboarding plus a few extras acting gigs for movies and TV shows.  They all pay way better than the normal job I had. I'm doing what I love on a small scale but doing it full time.  Can't say what I've done because of contracts, but one gig was with an extremely famous rapper.  
P.S.S.: I lost all the weight I wanted to.  I've been skateboarding every where.  In the hot sun.  I started last summer when I worked 2 miles away and then I was broke a lot during that time because I was paid shit and was super depressed a few times (about bad shit I'm cutting out of this).  And at the end I became my natural weight.  
P.S.S.S.: I got to start dating.  But who the fuck is gonna distract me now? I can't even guess. Do you even get how over stimulated I am.  I need some real sexy ass shit.  I'm fucked.
P.S.S.S.S.: not a complaint.  I'm sort of happy.  But this kind of life changes drastically, as every month has been for a year.  Almost there.  Almost very happy financially.  Almost truly getting my shit together.  Almost happy.  Almost muse...