Dec 8, 2009

The Muse

"The muse in her purest aspect is the feminine part of the male artist, with which he must have intercourse if he is to bring into being a new work. She is the anima to his animus, the yin to his yang, except that, in a reversal of gender roles, she penetrates or inspires him and he gestates and brings forth, from the womb of the mind."

"Andrea del Sarto, an Italian painter born in 1486, was famously married to his muse, Lucrezia, whose features so closely approached his ideal that he made all his female figures in her likeness"

This article seems to paint the muse as manipulative. I'd like to mention unlike these examples there are plenty where the artist and muse never spoke at all. Salvador Dali got a sexual thrill from showing audiences his sexually charged pictures of his muse, his wife Gala. It's pretty clear he never even had sex with her.

At first it was all about her beauty. Then it became all about how special she is. Then it became about what she meant to me and how she inadvertently helped me out of one bad situation and then directly helped me out of another one six months later that no one could give me any real advice on but her. That was when I was hooked. That was the point she wasn't just an ideal but something more. My muse. Thats why I think of that Beatles song "She Said, She Said". Like there is a wisdom in her that was ethereal.

I thought it was funny when I realized recently that my feelings are kind of split. The part of me madly in love(I know, I know, I already covered this) with the actual person. And the part that wants to keep a distance. The part that wants to just see her as this angelic form of light. It's crazy. And I'm crazy. Then I had the realization. I started calling her a muse for a reason.

Because these things happen(to paraphrase Magnolia). They happen to artists. We specialize on some specifics in our art and those specifics can be embodied by someone. Mine are a mix of the sexual person I am and my personal fetishs. Razor like, seductive eyes, thin but shapely bodies, brown hair, sharp features. It didn't have to be like that, I've liked plenty of girls with big round eyes. I've liked plenty of girls who were not super thin(not that I even have anything against girls with some weight I just haven't dated a girl like that yet but I've been really attracted to a few) but I obsess over my fetishes which is different.

An artist need to be driven to be doing art that very well might not make money for a long while. You need to be obsessive. You need to have a will to never give up. All of these traits lend well to mad love. To just gouts and gouts of passion. It is the only way to survive as an inspired artist instead of a guy who just draws well.

I had a muse once. And we were madley in love. We only cared about one thing. Us. And when that ended I was so lost. My life went down the tubes. And then after a few years I met my current muse. She was a friendly girl and in retrospect I am sure she knew I liked her at first sight. I vaguely remember walking into the coffee shop, her asking what I'd like and that moment of just frozenness where I just looked at her with no intelligence. I saw her and my mind was frozen. And I think I smiled, acted like a human for a fucking second and snapped out of it. I told her my order but I must have lingered in that small subtle and indefinable way because she kind of had that knowing smile like she knew she blew me away and was flattered. After that I was in everyday. And we did kind of share that weird smile like we wanted to know what was up with each other. It was all friendly and my art stepped into high gear. I found out she had a boyfriend and it just fucking burned. Like a mental burn. Just stinging and sizzling. Fuck, I'm still mad about that dude. Don't even know why.

It was funny this one guy at this barbecue asked me about the origins of my comic and I told him how much I liked her and how unreasonable I was about my feelings and not giving them up no matter what anyone said. Then I mentioned how I never really hung out with her other than once. She was single. And I had a girlfriend. And truthfully, even if I didn't, even though I had healed so much, she was still too much for me. My self worth wasn't quite there. Now I think of us as equals. But back then she was still something no one should touch. The guy asked how about when we first met. I said at her work, but she had a boyfriend. And the invectives that came out of my mouth. That mother fucking shit. Fuck that guy. And so the guy was like, oh you knew him. I was like no. But fuck him. He aint me. When we switch places I'll fucking shake his hand. Till then fuck him. Then this dude was laughing. And I lightened up and said, no seriously, I love her and she is so sweet so fuckthatguyIhatehim( I was kidding but method acting is easy when you mean it).

In one of the articles I read the question was asked, if the artist never met this muse, would he ever had been successful? Would he ever reach the heights he did? My answer is no. She made it worth it. And nothing else would have, I might not be here at all. I needed her. The inspiration because of who she was, how she was, all that. It inspired me to go on. And her outside beauty was the closest I could ever get to the person she was inside. I settled for that. And now knowing her better. It is so hard to look at her. She is too bright. All of a sudden real feelings of romance spring.

When I was a kid and just started drawing I realized one day that I could possibly recreate some girl I had seen. This was before the internet, before social networking, before everyone had cellphones. This was when you saw a beautiful woman and that was the the one and only time you would see them. They would fade into memory. But I could draw them. I could make them real in some sense. Real for me.

I brought this up the other day in conversation and my friend said he never heard of that. I said I thought all artists thought about this when they created art work. A song could sound like the feeling a woman gave you. A painting can feel like the moment you saw her. Words could recreate the way she bit her lip and smiled modestly. Maybe other artists think like this. Maybe it's just me.

I try to recreate her on paper. If I can get the slightest feeling it is her, the slightest true line, I would be happy.

I cannot kiss her. I cannot hug her. I cannot hold her hand and look her in the eyes. All I can do is sit at my drawing board and try to capture one true thing. Just one.

And maybe for a second it can almost feel real. Almost feel like she is with me. Almost like she feels the same way I do. Almost feel like it is her eyes looking directly into mine.

That is the power I want. This is the closest I can get.

And it never works. All those hours. All those slow precise brush strokes. Not one was good enough. Not one made her real. Not one equaled the feeling of really looking into her eyes.

Sometimes I think ten years from now, if we never see each other again, we'll think of this graphic novel, these paintings, and we'll be with our significant other, and wonder what could have happened. What the other person really was like. What opportunities we might have missed. Did they mean what they said? Do they still remember me? Does it after all this time still mean something? If it ever did?

And other times I think of what an idiot I am. How presumptuous. How there is no way I'll ever know what she thinks. How maybe she is just a girl. Maybe she never felt that deep connection I felt. Maybe I am nothing. And will always be nothing.

What do I even want? A relationship? I don't know. To get married? Definitely not. To have kids? No. All of those things in the future, maybe. But not right now.

The only answer I can come up with is Passion. That's what I want. I want burning fucking passion. Is that love? I don't know but it sure feels good. I have passion looking at her, hearing her, everything. Just seeing her be so painfully shy and so fucking cute when last we hung out. I was so awkward and not myself and she couldn't barely look up. It took me forever to realize she was being so shy. At some point we were talking and she brightened up. Part of me saw a cute kid who was guarded and scarred but still innocent(in the same way as me). That was the part of her I loved. But also the part I wanted to heal. Probably because that was all I had done for so many years. The other part saw the incredibly sexy woman she was and how much power she could have over me with the slightest look.

I have the kind of passion that could meet those eyes now. I'm 100% again. In my art work. In my words. And lately those words I have written, those stories have finally payed off. In order to become a writer or artist you have to have more passion than anyone else. Any amount of surrender will stop you forever. So you have to have a passion so strong that nothing can stop you. And even then I have so much more passion in my heart, that it eclipses my passion for art and writing. It wins over the other two. It burns like cities on fire. I have that for her.

I know I'll someday fall in love again. Maybe this new girl will be my new muse. Maybe it will all go away. The graphic novel. The girl from my comic. My feelings. Just gone from years of never seeing her again. From being with this new woman. And this whole thing, this whole house of cards I built will just collapse in on itself and be forgotten.

That makes me deeply sad. To think that this means nothing. People say I won't let anyone into my heart, but the truth is I want to. I want to badly. If only to lose myself and spend time away from this situation I cannot change. My greatest asset is that I know exactly what I want but it is a curse also. Because sometimes you cannot have what you want. I do feel better because we are friends now, but...on the other hand I may never see her again. So yes, I wish I met some person who was nice and smart and liked me and maybe I could forget. But then again some people are irreplaceable.

Maybe I do see her again. And the truth is, it will be my guard that is up. Sure, I'll be friendly, I'll chat. It will be friendly and normal. I'll make jokes like I always do. Be the little clown I always am. And just like the stereotype, I'll be hiding my sorrow. Playing through it. As long as she's laughing she'll never know I'm crying inside. Thats why when people who know me see this blog they always can't reconcile that I am this way in my writing but the opposite in person. That is my defense. My facade. The outside me. The inside me is this comic. This blog. But I would still do it. Put up the comedy act. And honestly it would all be worth it just to see her smile again.

I think of all the stories of Davinci and Mona Lisa. How that one painting, those subtle paint strokes, how that amounted to centuries of meaning for billions of people. When I die this might be the one true thing that lasts. The one true thing that I ever did. And yeah, it may just mean something to only me for now. But this is all of me.

So...she remains my muse.



Adrian said...

The painting is 18X24 inches on cold press watercolor paper. It was done in Acrylic ink with water color for flesh tones. In the picture with the pencils, the other page is a Tooth And Nail page(my non Thought Balloon Man comic).

The video was picked because it was a song I think about when I think about this stuff. Plus it has Perry Farrels fine ass girlfriend from the late 80's. But mainly I can't listen to this song without thinking of the girl in my pictures.

JKD said...

That's quality writing....well said. True on so many levels.