Anachronist

Well, that took forever.  Trying to move, actually moving, unpacking.  At the same time my bumper fell off, my registration wasn't up to date(which was now a major problem without a front bumper). Plus, I had some screw up in my accounts which left me next to broke and unable to pay to fix my car stuff. And I had no internet because they were taking forever on that.  Oh and I got so sick from exhaustion(I think) that I couldn't get out of bed because it felt like I was dying and since I just moved I had no food and no car so I sort of started starving to death in my bed.  That was the first half of the month.  But that's all boring shit and I took care of it all somehow, so there you go.  A horrible month in the center of the holidays, but it all ended well.  

Finishing my pitch

I was finishing my pitch that whole time but it was taking forever.  I redrew two pages and fixed a bunch of panels.  Plus I drew a map, a back cover, and a next issue preview(the scans I'm putting up with this post).  It kind of sounds like a lot but it was very little work over three weeks and right at that crucial time I need to finish and sell this.

Coming back to draw stuff in the last week has really shown me how much I learned.  All this other stuff is so what I see in my head and not a compromise in vision, that I almost have to match the pages to this later stuff to make sure it has a consistent clarity or detail and vision and not any lazy workman like stuff(it inevitably will have uninspired panels, but the goal is to avoid that).

What's going on in my mind when I draw

For other artists, I'll just explain that there are sometimes when I am just in this Moebius/Sergio Aragones state of mind.  Not in a copying sense, but in the sense that I understand that drawing is about just knowing what is in any area of your drawing.  Knowing like anything else would be wrong. Seeing it appear in your head instead of creating it on paper like a blueprint.  It's your world and things only look the way you see them.  The only logic is what you provide.  Influences are nice, but they can hinder this.  It needs to be just about what is in your drawing and why it is there.  And if you have a good imagination, you should come up with plenty(sometimes that area is negative space, black or white, for design purposes, but that is also knowing what is not there).

And the messed up part is that a large percentage of drawings I've done have  been like drawing in the dark.  Vague intentions, with confused executions.  Yet every single time I just knew, it turned out way better.

Dating

I seriously need to start dating or giving a shit or even liking anyone again.  I am missing something artistically, even.  I am extremely hard to deal with when I don't feel anything towards anyone.  And I don't.  I used to.  I used to feel stronger than anyone I met and I guess I got my heart run over so many times it doesn't really beat anymore.  I'm surrounded by every girl I could ever want, but I don't want anyone because I don't trust anyone or imagine anyone possibly feeling anything back at me.  I literally don't believe in that.  As far as I'm concerned no one from my past life ever liked me.  Or more likely liked everyone else(otherwise they would have treated me different, it's a fact I can't get past and why I'm never going back to the bay area[unless like I said before I was having sex constantly then I'd go back, but since that is an impossibility with those people and me I guess I'm never going back]).  

I mean I can't even imagine trying to be with anyone.  With all my talk of trying, it seems with this like the dumbest thing I could ever do is like anyone ever again.  I don't think I've had a good experiance.  The few girls who liked me that I went out with didn't actually like me, but the idea of me(whatever that was at the time).  Or they liked any other loser just as much.  

At the same time the only kind of woman I can understand are nymphomaniacs.  I mean girls who literally will fuck everybody.  I always get along with them yet never sleep with them, which has been a two way street of frustration because we think the same way(I told a girl I wouldn't sleep with her recently because I needed to be with someone who wanted only me. And I need to be artistically infatuated[sort of true].  I'm such a girl about that.  But artistic love is just way more fucking intense and incomparable).  But every girl I meet like that is my best friend later(because they are fascinating, if not safe).  In a way my biggest fear is that I'll meet one I fall for.  I mean I'm living in the capital of pornography.  That would just wreck me.  I'd burn out my genitalia by never stopping fucking.  There are girls who straight up tell you what they will do for you or that they will do whatever you want them to do.  And you know for a fact that it would be awesome(the bedroom part at least).  I'm really strong about all that, but only so strong.  

Of course, I do seem to respond to certain girls.  There's be an inordinate amount of beautiful red headed women in my life this last year.  One I crushed on for a few weeks but we were wrong for each other(even though we got along well). The weird funny part is that some girls act like I'm their little brother who wants to get set up, and out here getting set up is at least guaranteed to be with good looking people.  But I'm not interested.  It might even work out great, but I am only interested in people I feel a very strong connection with.  And almost no one has that with me.  I thought someone did once, and she clearly never loved me enough, and then I thought maybe someone else had that connection with me, but here we are like two years later and I'll probably never see her again and I never really thought she liked me back anyway.  And all the other ones I either liked for the wrong reasons or they liked me and I didn't really like them back.  So I stopped dating.

I have a life I'm trying to make that is so specific and fun and I don't have the slightest inclination on spending that great time and life with anyone I don't really love.  It's a treasure I can share, but I have to be careful who I share it with.  And I'm very aware that regardless of what other guys seem to have or be able to do, most are not actually impressive, it's not enough, and if they were they would be my friend(my close friends down here are the most talented, gorgous[men and women], and nicest people I have met, on that score I've really done well in this later portion of my life somehow, and I've had an easier time becoming friends with my idols and people I admired than "normal" people anyway).  I make new friends like that now.  I know the difference finally.   So when a girl goes off with some other guy now it just seems weak.  Like totally fucking weak.  Do better.  I'm not being egotistical, I'm being realistic about how uselessly pathetic and not fun most guys I've met in my life are.  I've met hundreds of women who want the worst for themselves and I can't fix that.  I can just try to be better than that.  And if they still want shit(many many girls I've known want the worst for them) they can have it. I'll find someone better.  I want love, not shit.  I want the opposite of trash and boring times with boring people.  

Of course, I'm just going on my own vision of what my potential is and expecting others to agree and see it and when they don't I dismiss them like I'm some kind of perfect person which I clearly am not.  So take all this with a grain of salt.  Maybe I suck and am in fact egotistical.  

Never Settle 

Most of all, I don't settle.  Settling has killed off every person I knew in my past.  When I say killed off, I mean their dreams.  Settling is a desk job.  Settling would kill me.  It does with every little nail it can get in me.  So I look for what I want most.  Passion and art.  And everything pales in comparison to that.  Sex is lame without all consuming passion.  I just don't give a shit unless it is intense.  And most people are not intense enough for me and that has become clearer and clearer as I've gotten older.  I need a lot of intensity and moderate amounts looks almost offensively silly to me.  Like a joke at my expense.  I think that's what goes on in my head now.  I look at a girl and think she isn't sexual enough for me.  Or strong enough.  And I lose interest.  Then I see their lame ass boyfriends(here people's boyfriends are sometimes cool and not automatically the worst like where I came from).  Since I've gotten here the only girls that had my almost full attention(no one has hooked me all the way yet) were either fiercely smart(a big turn on for me)or extremely sexy, but subtle and connected with me(I guess I need that regardless).  

Maybe I shouldn't care anymore.   Moved here thinking I might not make it.  I might just die.  I was pretty sure no one would be in my life ever again or care about me(in that way).  And so far nothing's changed.  I can't help but know that after not having anyone I love to celebrate Christmas with.  Or my birthday.  The best days I had I celebrated alone.  The worst days I cried alone.  Either way I was alone.  And every special occasion was not special for me.  It was dead and lonely.  I don't feel anything unless I feel something for a woman.  And I don't feel anything anymore.

On the brighter side

My life's been way worse.  I have good things.  I have a good life now.  It just will never seem good to me while I am alone and I have been alone way too long.  

I wonder if I should just immerse myself into my work so much I never think of women again.  I wonder if I should leave again and try to find love somewhere else.  I wonder if it matters anyway because everyone I loved in my life died and there is no one left alive.  I wonder if all my intensity will just burn out in a room alone without anyone ever knowing it.  And I wonder if I do get the things I want, which now seems more possible than ever, will I even care.

Inverted Anger

All these thoughts and feelings are like the fuel for the engine of my life.  They shouldn't be fuel.  They should just be road bumps.  Obstacles.  But since I am not happy, they are it, the only thing fueling me.  If anything is keeping me alive, it is the slight chance I can make art for people.  That's it.  The chance I can connect through art since I've never connected on anything else.  It's my only hope.  The only thing that keeps me going because everything else has been a disappointment.  I remember I had a deep conversation with a friend(ironically she looked like all my drawings, but was the wrongest match for me ever) and she said that I seemed like the most disappointed person she ever met.  Partially because I was so optimistic about work.  Not neccesarily sad or miserable, just disappointed by life.  And I laughed because she was so right.  I'm disappointed and want more.  And I never want less again.  And the only thing that makes me happy is making the things I want into reality.  For a guy so disappointed, its only because I'm getting so close to a getting everything I want.  A fear, weakness, regret, with hope spiced in.

And that is a weird sort of strength, but it's better than laying down to die.

Okay, for real, on a lighter side

I like my new town.  I like having a roommate because it feels like having a partner on some level.  Plus I can't stand men so its nice to have a woman around a lot.  We can pool our resources for acting jobs and film projects.  I love going to school.  I do have temporary crushes on girls there, but worry about our age differences(yet no one has ever held that against me here).  Of course I missed out on life so starting over with a younger person isn't really that weird an idea for me at all.  I also seem to crush on every girl with an accent.

I have several close friends who work on shows I really like or am excited about.  I get to root for famous people who are my buddies.  That is a fun thought.  And I get to work with those people.  As it is, my very few credits are all with people way more successful than me from material I have drooled over before meeting them(someday, and its already starting, my IMDB page will be a fact sheet that explains my personal life and the people in it way too much).  I love the fact that pretty much everyone here has been different than you would expect from just the outside.  It's always a discovery.  The most ridiculous looking gorgous person can be the nicest most trusted friend.  I love that we play horrible people sometimes and are the best of friends.  Because on set or during rehearsal it all about fun and friendship and work and every single one of us is playing someone we are not.

At the very least I spend all my time with the people who are the future of this crazy town.  It's a party.  And I'm just starting to get out there and experience it.  And I meet plenty of people through that who are always entertaining. I'l meet someone great. 

That was supposed to be a short post, because I have a bunch of reviews to make on stuff I watched in my downtime.  I'll get to that next time. 

Not sure Anachronist was the best title but I'm living in the present and past time.  

Adrian

P.S.: I'll try to be more chipper next time.  This is why I shouldn't write posts at 3 in the morning while reminiscing about girls.  And last post I said I had to be more private.  Oh well.